---

You feel terrified at the thought of being left behind
Of losing everybody, the necessity of dying--

***

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love
Is to like the other slightly less than you get in return
I keep feeling like I'm being undercut

***

You said he got his teeth fixed
I'm gonna break them--

***

I cannot emphasize enough that my body
Is a badly designed, poorly put together vessel--

---

Los Campesinos! - We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

***

Forgive me if I happen to feel saddened. I'm told to be friendly, I'm told to be lovey-dovey, I'm told to give it my all.
I do. But it leaves me rather exhausted and as much as I do enjoy giving others attention and such, it feels...empty when the effort makes me feel like you're taking me granted for it.

I had a friend where she was frustrated and felt like no one paid attention to her. I stayed up nights just to talk her down and to make sure she was smiling. I would spend my time on the computer all day endlessly to show she mattered and did whatever I could.
She ended up hurting herself in attempts to remind herself that she wasn't cared for enough.

I spoke to another before where they was freaking out that someone close wasn't talking or spoke things out to settle stuff and how frustrated they got and I got to see both ends of the squabbles.
I give all the attention I can because I figured they wouldn't want to be ignored but as much as it was lovely at first, I've been feeling drained and rung out without much retaliation.

I gave all I could to another because of how neglected he was at home and with his friends from before and I showed that he mattered and we agreed to be good friends and I'd fight thru it all because of him being ignored and I knew how it felt to be ignored and overlooked.
As soon as he got "better" friends, he left, even after the doodles and chats and how much I did to make sure he felt needed.

I'm not gonna demand much, or demand at all

But I'd appreciate that I had some recognition or some sign that I did good and that it's not in vain that I do this

I tried so hard to not give as much of a fuck to others because of how much I hurt from caring and doing so much, only to end up feeling alone and used later on
I am able to do so for some now, some of them I can name right off the bat. But for others right now, it's hard not to still.

It's times like these that remind me I CAN stop friendships and such. I can stop the hurt. But all it does really, is make me scared of even trying to make more friends and be open, like I've been repeatedly told by others countless times.

I'm just tired.

I think my brain is saying I need to relax a bit more. I had a lot today and I need to rest once again cuz of family things still and just the overall fuckery of some people.

Will work on stuff still, just feeling mentally exhausted and thinking of talking to others. Maybe just those really really close, idk