Yesterday night I woke up because of a nightmare, and I couldn't go back to sleep because I was startled of the dream. So I decided to check my weight like I usually do one time's a week (I'm obsessed in checking my weight, so I therefore try to check it less and less), and I noticed I've gained 1,4 kg.

I know, I know, it sounds so stupid that I'm sad because of that. But I got, according to my psychologist, an eating disorder. And it's kinda hard to explain but it's that I'm obsessed in loosing weight, and every time I do I set new goals. I want to loose more and more, weight less and less, be thinner and thinner, and I have no idea if the eating disorder even got a name, but it's a serious one. I don't give two shits if you think that sounds stupid; I think everyone is beautiful, no matter how much you weight or how your body looks like, but it's MY body, and I feel like it needs to be thin.
Realizing I'd gone up in weight, I started to cry and
eh
well
haha
cut again

I'm a disappointment, and I can't stay 'strong', I know. I know what kind of terrible person I am; I know I'm bad at keeping a conversation, I know I'm bad at supporting and helping people, I know how stupid and selfish I am. I know.

Now, I'm trying my best to not lose control again, I'll put the pills in my bag and the rope back to the garage, I'm not that lost. I can still live and I will try.

Clap for you who managed to read this far and not laugh of me.