Nice drawing. :) I really liked the snippet of story, the grammatical errors stand out painfully though. x3

well, I m sorry,I'm not english, so it's kinda hard sometimes x_x but if you can help me, it would be really great x.x
(I'm still learning english :x )

but thanks ^^"

I didn't mean to offend, I know it's not easy learning another language. Sorry! xD
For instance: I Tried learning a little Japanese, brain caught fire roughly three times. x)

First a disclaimer. I have no professional education or experience, so there is definitely someone who could do this a whole lot better than me. ^^
I went through it doing touch ups here and there. Anything that is in parenthesize with a question mark "(?)" is me commenting on the word choice (both mine and yours) or sentence.

During the war, I was one of those soldiers who where killing without mercy. My past is all blood and death. My eyes saw(?) only chaos, I was a killing machine...
Like all(? "all" instead of "every" due to the plural use of "soldiers") soldiers, I lost (most of?) my soul in the war. I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole the heart of a lot of families (??? Literally or figuretively? This line confuses me quite a bit. Did you intend it to mean something like: "I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole(took?) away loved ones from their families.")
But now... The war has ended, and I'm coming home to(?for works as well, but I think it implies slightly more that you are coming to take something, instead of returning to a loved one.) you. But I need to ask you, can you (? ever) forgive me for what I have done? (? what I did works as well, but it's meaning changes depending on context. For example; If you where asking for forgiveness for something you did before the war. (Broke up, lost a child in an accident, left to fight a war. While "what I have done" means more asking forgiveness for what you did in the war itself. Which makes more sense in the context of the story snippet.)



And the sentence as I'd write it. Slightly edited from the above, but copy & paste ready.
During the war, I was one of those soldiers who killed without mercy. My past is all blood and death. My eyes saw only chaos, I was a killing machine...
Like all soldiers, I lost most of my soul in the war. I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole away loved ones from their families.
But now... The war has ended, and I'm coming home to you. But first I need to ask you: Can you ever forgive me for what I have done?

oh it's ok, I didn't thought that it was mean ^^' ! and yes, you don't have to be sorry ~ :p I learn when peoples do criticize what I write ^-^ if it's right or wrong
well, I tryed to learn japanese too but... I think that, learning english, spanish, japanese and chinese at the same time.. was bit too much xd
so I did stop learning japanese and chinese :o

and ok, don't worry, any help is welcomed ^-^! I don't need a professional !

also, some few things before changing the description :

1) I said "my eyes were Chaos" and you corrected it by saying " my eyes saw only chaos " I don't really know if it goes very well with what I wanted to say here, because, I wanted to say, that the woman were full of chaos in her mind, and inside of her, and most of the time, when we are angry/sad or any emotion, it reflects into our eyes (yep, I studied eyes of peoples when I was young XD ) so, it''s not like "I'm on the battlefield, and everything is dead/blood etc, so I see only chaos" it's more like, "I losted my emotions, I had only chaos in my mind, and it reflects into my eyes" thatss why I said "my eyes were Chaos" but I don't know if your correction is good for what I wanted to say or no :x

2) for all and every, I thought it would be the same, and since "every" sound better, so I choose "every" xd (for me, all and every mean the same ^^' )

3 ) yes, I understand for the "most of" here, or she couldn't be back home and say "can you forgive me what I did", so yes

4 ) for the stolen heart, I thought that, since she killed a lot of soldiers, those soldiers could have a family, and so, those family are heartbroken now, since they've losted on of their member :x so I don't know here again if your correction is great for what I wanted to say ^^'

5 ) so, if I understand well, "To" is better here for what I wanted to say ? since she don't come back to take something

6 ) what does the word "ever" do ? I know this word but I don't know exactly when and how we use it ^^'

7 ) so if I understand well, "what I have done" is the right ? since yes, here, she want to be forgiven for what she did in the war itself

thank you so much for this ^-^ ! but yes, before changing the description, I prefer to confirm :x

This is exactly the feedback I wanted. :3

1) I was unsure what you wanted for this one, so I went for the more innocent one, but you are indeed right it doesn't fit well with the characters line of thinking. Maybe something more like "My eyes embodied only chaos"? It's similar to "My eyes where chaos" but more fancy? You can also not use the "only" without losing anything in the sentence, it's just a little extra flair, to further emphasize the point that she became something akin to a monster.

2) I said all because of "soliders", as "every soldiers" is a double plural, "every soldier" or "all soldiers" both work, but not every soldiers. :)

3) :3

4) Both work I guess, but I do believe stealing a heart is more commonly used when a person falls in love. As in: "She stole my heart the very first moment I laid my eyes upon her." It's up to you, though. :)

5) Both can work, but I think "to" fits better. Seeing as she intends to stay when she does get back home. (Example use of for: "I'm coming for you" Like if a loved one had been kidnapped and taken away to a bad place.)

6) It's used for emphasis on how horrible her actions where. That if her loved one could not forgive her right away, maybe he/she could forgive her at a later point, or over time. It's not really needed, it's just extra flair. ;)

7) Yeah I think "have done" works a little better. :p

No problem, always fun to discuss stuff. :D

oh, I'm glad, that this is what you wanted, and so then, if I edit with what we said, it would be :

"I was one of those soldiers during the war, who were killing without mercy. My past is all blood and death, My eyes embodied only chaos , I was a killing machine. Like all soldiers , I losted most of my soul in the war, I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as (I stole the heart of a lot of families (still not sure) ). but now... the war just finished, and I'm coming home to you, but I need to ask, can you ever forgive me for what I have done ?


but :

1 : I still have a problem with this : My eyes embodied only chaos I don't understand "embodied" and, It doesn't sound good :/ as well as I don't know how to pronounce it xd

2 : yes, so do you think peoples will understand what I wanted to say with this sentence, or I should change ? " I stole the heart of a lot of families"

3 : for this : forgive me for what does it change something if I don't add the "for" or if I add it ? what is the difference ? :o

for the rest, I think you are right, you explained me and so.. ^-^

yep I like to discuss stuff too, and It makes me learn too :p

0.5) Personally I would reword the start to: "During the war, I was one of those who where killing without mercy." Sounds a little more dramatic to start with the war, reinforcing it's importance.
As well as some punctuation changes to add more emphasis on certain words.

1) Embodied basically means that something has whatever is in the context of the sentence in it, in a big way. Another way to say it could be "My eyes contained only chaos." I guess the reason I personally dislike "my eyes were chaos" is that it sounds like something a supreme deity would say. Although you could still use it and people would generally understand what you mean.

1.5) An extra note: "Like all soldiers, I losted most of my soul in the war" Losted is not a word. "Lost" is the one you are looking for. (English is dumb like that. xD)

2) I think many would understand, but it is still rather weird from an English speakers perspective. Still sounds like she made a lot of families like her (in the as a friend sort of way) if that sentence didn't have the context of the war. Personally I would not say it like that, but it's up to you. And if you still want to say it like that, then I'd advise you to say it like "I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole the heart from a lot of families."

3) (Assuming you mean "forgive me for what I have done.") It's basically just proper grammar. Without "for" is simply wrong in the sentence wrong. :) It would be okay with "forgive me for what I did" But in the context I feel "have done" is better.

There's also some minor capital letters you should fix, keeping to the rule that only after every period ( . ) there should be a capital letter. Except of course for I. Which is capitalized whenever it stands alone. (This includes when it is: <I'd, I'll, I'm> and so on, because they are contractions of two words: <I would, I will, I am.> )
Example: "but now... the war just finished," should have a capital letter in "But now..." as well as a "The war has just finished," but I would say "The war has ended," Instead. :)
And a comma < [u],[u] > should be right next to the previous word, like that. As well as all punctuation really. Do you understand? :3

So it would be:

"During the war, I was one of those who where killing without mercy. My past is all blood, and death. My eyes contained only chaos. I was a killing machine. Like all soldiers, I lost most of my soul in the war. I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole the heart from a lot of families. But now... The war has ended. And I'm coming home to you, but first I need to ask, can you ever forgive me for what I have done?"

Or something like that. ^^ Let me know what you like and don't like.

(I think I failed something somwhere with this, so I repost it, so, you might have received it twice o_o I don't know (still don't know how FA work XD )

0.5 : yes, it sounds good, but, I feel like there's still something missing, like my way of saying this, it directly say who she was and, when/ where she did what, so the reader already know who/where/when/what :x but in your way, we don't know, if it was a soldier, or just someone who were killing just for fun (you know, some crazy peoples )

1 ) well, if embodied is better for peoples , I might use it, but, the way it sound, is weird x) and contained too, it makes me feel like we are speaking of a glass of water or something like that xd

1.5 ) awh, I thought you just forgot to write it xd, well, I didn't know that, it's.. a bit weird, why can't we use "losted" ? I thought it's Lost - losted - losted when we learn english conjugation (or I just created this word XD ? )

2 ) mmh, I don't really see what it change if you add "from" here XD but yes, she stole/took away loved one from their families should be good I think, it just change a bit what I wanted to say, I think ? but, the result is the same

3 ) yes, you explained it for the "I have done" so, now I understand and yes, it's better, but, well, english is hard with their "to/for" and other things like that xd

I never understood why the "I" always have to be in capital letters in english xd but well, yes, it's maybe because I typed too fast, I most of the time forget the capital letters :x and ho, I did forgot this "has ended" yes you are right
I fogot to explain what I did choose "finished" it's because I add some problems in my mind, because, sometimes I see "ended up" so, I was like " is it just ended or is it ended up ?" so, I choose finished, so I was sure of how it was XD since there's not often "finished up" :x


"During the war, I was one of those (soldiers?) who where killing without mercy. My past is all blood, and death. My eyes ( contained? ) only chaos. I was a killing machine. Like all soldiers, I lost most of my soul in the war. I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as (I stole the heart from?) a lot of families. But now... The war has ended. And I'm coming home to you, but first I need to ask, can you ever forgive me for what I have done?"

seems to be good already, but still few things to see xd

I didn't get two messages, but I see what you mean. :)

0.5) It's up to you, I feel my way is a little more dramatic and cool sounding to start off with. And you're right, I missed a word. I'm not perfect, okay?! xD I messed up with where and were as well.

1) Embodied is just a little more fancy word, something you will find more interesting to use when you get a better grasp on the English language. And how does it not apply to her eyes? Can you not imagine an image of her eyes showing flames and such to represent chaos? :o

1.5) I think I just assumed you knew that one. :3 Try and Google "Define lost" and expand the bottom arrow. http://gyazo.com/b52bc5bfd844f9a39a1c2bb5cf8f19d6 and you will get a lot of examples. ^^ It's all quite confusing at first.

2) Again, it goes back to that the sayings like "She stole my heart" means that I have fallen in love with her. That's why the "from" helps emphasize the fact that she took away something precious, instead of having caused positive emotions. That's what I'm trying to distance the sentence from. :)

3) In the original message you wrote, it didn't have either "to" or "for". ^^ Using "to" there would still be incorrect grammar though. :3

The capital I's thing is a frustrating one at times. From what I understand it originated in that writers thought the little i was too pathetic looking for the big mighty men back in the days. As "I" is used to represent a person. I am speaking now. x3
"has ended" works best. And it's not ended up in this context, that's for sure. Example usage of "ended up": "I was going to go grocery shopping yesterday, but I ended up sitting on the sofa and watching TV all day." And "finished up": "I'm so glad I finished up my homework yesterday, there was a surprise test about it earlier today."

"During the war, I was one of those soldiers who were killing without mercy. My past is all blood, and death. My eyes were(still don't like it personally x3) only chaos. I was a killing machine. Like all soldiers, I lost most of my soul in the war. I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole the heart from a lot families. But now... The war has ended. And I'm coming home to you, but first I need to ask (you?), can you ever forgive me for what I have done?"

It's already implied so the extra "you" is not needed, but it doesn't hurt either.

We are definitely making progress! :D

awh, so it's ok xd

0.5 : I know you're not perfect :p , and yes, it sound more like a real "story" and not something just to explain (I don't know if you see what I mean xd )

1 : of course I can imagine that ! :o ! so yes, thinking this way, it works, but what I had in mind when youw rote it, was that glass of water XD

1.5 well yep, another weird word of english speaking <.< teh, but I'm lucky I don't have to learn french, our language is the most horrible to learn XD

2 ) well, I think I'm a bit lost about this sentence xd, so "she stole the heart of families" is not good right ? so, is "she stole away.." isn't good or ? since it's stole, so it would be more "she took away loved one" but then you say to add a from somewhere, hu, kinda lost with this sentence xd

3 ) mah, as I said, for and to are complicate words x.x ! and now that I saw the original message, and with the "for" and trying the "to" I see that it don't goes right with the "to" and sound better with the "for" if you understand what i meant o_o

oh thanks for explaining this to me :o but I'm not sure I see the diferrence between "finished up" and "ended up" :x I think I see, but I can't explain it to myself, how I understand it, and I'm not sure if I understand it well xd
and for the "I" well, the "I" looks better than the "i" so.. it's not really a difficulty here xd

and well, you are right for the "you" it would be a bit repetitive, so it's not good


"During the war, I was one of those soldiers who were killing without mercy. My past is all blood, and death. My eyes 'contained' (seems good now :p ) only chaos. I was a killing machine. Like all soldiers, I lost most of my soul in the war. I destroyed a lot of innocent lives as I stole the heart from a lot families. But now... The war has ended. And I'm coming home to you, but first I need to ask, can you ever forgive me for what I have done?"


I think it's ok now :o ?

he you made me learn a lot of things thanks XD I'm glad you said that there was grammatical errors x) !

0.5) I understand what you mean. ^^

1) It's up to you. :) And yes I understand why you would keep thinking of a glass of water. ^^

1.5) I don't even dare try to learn French. xD And you'll quickly get better at English, it's strange and bizarre at first, but over time it becomes pretty simple.

2) It keeps going back to the fact that stealing a heart can be seen as both a terrible act, and falling in live with someone. It's a very strange saying, but it's a saying nonetheless. Adding the word "from" makes sure that the sentence can't be misunderstood, it clarifies it's a negative act. So that it won't be confused with the saying.

3) I think I understand what you mean, but I'm not completely sure. o.o

It's a little hard to explain the difference for me, "finished up" is more used when you are going to finish a job or work. "I need to get this commission finished up before Friday!" (The sentence works without "up" as well.)
While ended up is more used for a person ending up at some place. "After he finished college, he ended up working at a grocery store."

Yeah, looks good to me now. :3

Happy to help! Always fun to have a conversation like this. :)

thanks again, I can change now ^-^ ~ !

No problem.