So being a bit tired of my usual stick as well as wondering more and more why everyone has to suck balls when compared to Sonic, a stupid idea came to my head. Everyone became slow because of Sonic secretly knowing the Speed Force. In DC comics the Flash could steal speed to make people motionless, or to even add their speed to his own. So that's why characters suddenly started sucking so hard and becoming useless.

This was originally supposed to be a satire on the speed of the series, but it became more. It became the joke of how "Friends Suck" is a big complaint some people have. It also became filled with references to the games and little in jokes that people who played them or know about them would get.

I don't actually hate Sonic...well at least a bit honestly, but not entirely. Not a fan of his current self, but overall he was cool to me. Chalk this up as another case where I can't write a short story. I just can't. I keep trying to say 1000 word limit, but I keep going beyond it. Curse me and my flowing brain. Why can't I take it easy? Anyways satire people. I don't think Sonic is this much of a prick, it's just him personifying the people who think he should be alone and have no friends.


The Truth: Sonic Speed

(Warning. This is mostly satire. Do not take thing too literally. Sonic is not really like this. I don't hate Sonic. I merely made a joke explanation around the franchise. Do not get butt hurt please.)

Have you ever wondered why Sonic’s speed has fluctuated over the years? Have you ever wondered why his friends go from being fast, to being slow at the drop of a hat? The truth may shock you, or possibly bring out a little chuckle. Just how does Sonic go from fast to really fast, and how does his speed affect everyone else’s speed? Find out in this inside scoop of, The Truth: Sonic Speed.

Sonic the Hedgehog had just left a mark in the world as the speedy blue blur with attitude. His story of conquering the evil Robotnik had made him an icon. Perhaps enough to rival the tales of Super Mario. Things were going great. With each passing word of mouth, he was becoming more and more popular. Sonic planned a sequel adventure in the works as well as a few mini adventures just to keep the people listening. Bad guys never quit which means more stories of his triumphs would be told. Sonic couldn't be happier.

Some time passes. Things were beginning to expand with Sonic’s tales of heroics. Sonic’s presence caused Robotnik to create a metal double of Sonic. Defeating the rust bucket in a race surmounted Sonic’s popularity as speed king. Not only that, but having an evil double to fight would make for far more interesting stories. With more interesting battles would come even more fame and glory. He even saved his first damsel in distress beyond woodland critters. Some girl with a weird outfit. Sonic wasn't fond of her clinginess, but saving her gave Sonic an idea.

Sonic thought of a new way to grab attention. Sonic could get a sidekick. If he had a loser companion, he’d look even more badass by comparison. He’d also look like a brother figure to grab the attention of the adorable cutesy crowd. The blue speed demon couldn't depend on his looks and skill for everything. The blue blur planned on a sidekick who wouldn't be attracted to him in a too clingy way, but enough so he’d still be worshiped even while he’s adventuring. So Sonic adopted a kid sidekick, a Robin to his Batman. However Sonic made sure his sidekick, unlike Robin, would not be taught to protect himself. After all he can’t have the student be anywhere near the master.

Sonic hired this Tails guy, and he was introduced to the planet as Sonic’s companion. The folks found the kid adorable. Sonic was a hero, and now an older brother figure. Things started off great as the kid just got kidnapped by his nemesis soon after the announcement. This kid was going to make the blue blur look even cooler, as well as a more relatable hero. This Tails person could just become the damsel in distress kind of sidekick and be no threat to Sonic’s status.

Sonic saves Tails and the people cheered. Sonic basked in the glory, but his next true sequel adventure would really sky rocket him to fame. He had found a way to transform and copy some other well known golden warrior after this person defeated a space tyrant. Looking like a shiny golden god was very appealing to Sonic. The image of Super Sonic standing tall over Super Mario flooded his mind. It would happen. He just knew it.

Sonic goes on his next big adventure with his dopey sidekick, but things this time were different. The sequel to his first true adventure has someone else moving fast. That guy who he thought would just be a damsel, somehow started actually doing something. He couldn't believe it. Not only that, but the Tails kid could fly fast too. Sure the kit wasn't as fast as him, but even so someone flying and moving fast could be considered in a way, better than him. Sonic didn't like this. Not…one…bit. Side adventures continued this trend as the hedgehog desperately hoped there would be another kidnapping of his partner, but there wasn't. The kit even got a few side adventures of his own, but they were forgotten. Sonic at least thought there’s no way a “friend” of his could at least get their own major tale. Sonic kept his cool. This adventure was so popular he was closing in on Super Mario levels of fame.

Fast forward to the Angel Island incident, and now there was a red echidna Knuckles who became popular. Sonic was furious. There was another critter that could move fast like him, but on top of that, could glide across the skies too. Just where were these things coming from? Knuckles was being called the cool guy now. Once word of Knuckles spread, Sonic’s abilities came into question. Sure he had learned to use shield powers if he could find specific monitors, but now there were two heroes who could do what Sonic could do for the most part, and more. What if someone else after all could take the spotlight from him? Being the fastest was still his thing, but being the fastest doesn't mean you’re always the best.

With his connection to the chaos emeralds, Sonic made sure Tails could never go Super. The little kit would never have this power so long as Sonic made it impossible. Knuckles somehow proved to be a more difficult case, as perhaps his guardian link to the Master Emerald helped block out Sonic’s influence. Sonic wouldn't learn how to keep the power from Knuckles until Team Sonic was formed in a future publicity stunt.

Things weren't looking so good now. Over time more critters showed up and started getting faster. That girl from little planet returned and even she was starting to make a name for herself. She spread gossip of being Sonic’s girlfriend. The news spread like wildfire and started the shipping wars. People on the streets argued who Sonic really loved and fights broke out. Fights over something so meaningless became common. Sonic ignored them for now. Especially when he heard of people who wrote and drew about him being pregnant, or whored him out to all the people he knew. Sometimes people even did this with themselves. This horrid news had him puke in his mouth a little.

More stories of these heroes and “friends” of his began to rear their ugly heads. Tails saved Station Square and defeated Robotnik, becoming a hero in his own right. Knuckles restored the gem that controlled the most powerful jewelry in the world. Amy even got a little recognition with helping a family of birds get back together. Sonic had enough of this. He wanted these people to stop doing things. He wanted to be a solo hero. Sonic managed to save the day from the rampaging Chaos, but he missed the old days when it was just him and that fat doctor duking it out. At least then people didn't start depending on these new heroes. Worst of all a notable amount of people were starting to consider them as better than Sonic.

The speedy hedgehog could not allow this anymore. He had to find a way to put a stop to this. He couldn't just hurt these “friends”, kill them, or speak publicly to get rid of them. No he needed to find a way to stop them in secrecy. He needed to somehow make everyone feel like lesser beings when compared to him. It all started when critters started showing up and being super fast like him, so Sonic had to figure out how to take that away from them. He knew this ability had to exist in some form. After all that fat Dr. Robotnik somehow could run faster than him sometimes.

Before the events of the Space Colony Arc, the blue hedgehog discovered a massive discovery. A power he never knew existed. This power could put the heroic hedgehog back in the lead, and keep him there for eternity. Sonic had discovered The Speed Force. The Speed Force was an extra-dimensional energy that controlled kinetic motion itself. Sonic couldn't figure out how he came upon such a power source, it could change everything. With the speed force he could increase his speed, as well as steal the speed of others. Robotnik discovered this power first, but for whatever strange reason abandoned using it. Perhaps it was too dangerous even for him.

Sonic tested this ability out on Tails first. That kid was the first person to get in his way, so Sonic made sure that if something went wrong, it’d affect the kid first. Using the Speed Force he managed to gouge out Tails speed. Once the fox noticed this bizarre turn of events, he was forced to use his Tornado 2 plane for the entire Space Colony Arc event. It felt oh so good to steal that kit’s speed, though Sonic didn't quite have control over these powers just yet. For Sonic hadn't gained the speed he stole from Tails. Instead it somehow managed to make its way to the nefarious Doctor Eggman. He seemed to adopt his ridicule name for whatever reason, but also adopted super speed for a brief period of time. If Eggman got out of his mech walker, he’d have been able to have run ridiculously fast for a human. Eggman realized this when he strolled around the chao garden.

Sonic continued working on his Speed Force powers in secrecy, learning to master and one day make it so he was the dominant hero of the people of his world. Sonic had dodged a bullet when Shadow died after they both defeated that prototype ultimate life form. He didn't want someone to die, but at least he had one less person to worry about. Plus Shadow could use a Super form on his own too, he’d be a hit with the people of the world. Shadow even became so popular he was beginning to rival Sonic in popularity. However the black hedgehog had died, and so sooner or later the hype around him would die out too.

Cut to the canyon after some time had passed. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles reunite. Sonic figured he’d form a team so he’d have two lab rats to work on. His plan to become the only super power would soon come to fruition. Once again trying to use the speed force to do his bidding, he accidentally granted his team, as well as 3 other teams more speed. Sonic goofed up big time, causing him to realize he really needed to work on his hidden power. Worst of all Shadow seemed to have returned. He wasn't dead, and that meant bad news for the blue blur.

When the time came to save the day, Tails and Knuckles wanted to join Sonic to beat down Metal Sonic. Sonic couldn't just say no while he was surrounded by these other heroes (and Eggman). So he reluctantly shared the power of the chaos emeralds with his team. All was not lost though. Sonic to his own surprise managed to leave Knuckles and Tails with stupid bubble like aura’s that resembled golden shields. They reminded him of his old shield power ups back on Angel Island. It was a small victory, but Sonic at least got to look much better than his teammates by comparison.

Sonic continually trained in secrecy preparing for when he could have all the speed and all the glory like the good old days. This preparation left Sonic unprepared, which made him forget of the Shadow Factor. Aliens showed up and it turned out Shadow was linked to Aliens. Sounded kinda dumb, but worst of all when push came to shove, Shadow saved the day. Sonic and “Friends” were left behind to tiny aliens while Shadow went Super and saved the world. This was the breaking point of Sonic the Hedgehog. Its one thing to be a hero and take some of his spotlight, but no one steals it all. And no one would ever again.

Shadow may have saved the world from aliens, but his tale turned out pretty negative overall. Shadow got top billing for something that spruced overwhelming negativity. There was no way Sonic could screw up that bad right? He believed so and then in his crazy desire to be the best, thought maybe hooking up with a human could help? People seemed to like the Beauty and the Beast story, so maybe he could do something like it?

But first came the speed issue again. After being sure he mastered the speed force, Sonic tried again and succeeded in gaining enough control of it for his goals. Sonic once again stole Tails speed, followed by Shadow, Knuckles, and anyone else who was remotely fast. Sonic held back his speed a bit too just to make it look like he was affected. Though he could not yet add the stolen speed to his own.

Things were finally going his way, until the time stream became convoluted. Solaris’ end caused the entire adventure to be forgotten. A time boom erupted and suddenly all that occurred had disappeared from everyone’s mind. What took its place was great deal of hatred for Sonic. Sonic became ridiculed and a joke. His fame became so muddled that he was no longer even near Super Mario. In fact he could no longer, and would never reach Mario’s level ever again.

Sonic blamed his “friends”. This must have been there fault somehow. Sonic didn't realize if he didn't mess with his “friends” before the Solaris incident, maybe things would have turned out better. He couldn't know since his mind was erased of memories. This was probably for the better as he really shouldn't be getting into romances with humans. It’s kinda weird.

The time boom did unknowingly do some good for the hedgehog’s goals. His sidekick Tails suddenly became just as useless as he wanted him to be. Sonic didn't understand why the kit couldn't even do the simplest of things like a tail swipe or any kind of self defense, but whatever the reason; Tails was out of the picture. Sonic would never have to worry about a capable sidekick ever again even to this day.

Sonic still having memory of his secret speed steal, learned to harness the stolen speed he had within him, and created the boost technique. Sonic moved faster than ever before in his base form. No one could match him now and none of his "friends" could be of any use. No more fast critters besides the blue blur himself. Sonic was back on top just like how things all began. Sonic also tried to get Chip to become his new sidekick just in case it was possible for Tails to somehow be useful, but Chip unfortunately though showed potential as Light Gaia. Sonic turned that idea away faster than he could move.

Sonic went on many more adventures with his mostly impractical sidekick, while leaving his “friends” with nothing. A super fast cat from another dimension did turn up, but as long as she stayed in her own world, it didn’t bother blue boy. She wasn't overly popular anyways and alternate dimensions meeting up are incredibly rare. So even if she caught on, she’d probably not be around too long to become the next big thing.

Sonic goes on to defeat Eggman in an amusement park and things start looking up again. People started thinking he was possibly cool again. Praises were beginning to be sung and Sonic had all the glory. His “friends weren't around, Tails was practically worthless as a partner never getting in the way, and it was just him and the overweight doc all over again. Sonic looked up to a better future for himself. Super Mario I’m coming for you he thought.

Sonic met up with his past self due to more time space convolution caused by Time Eater. A gift from the gods gave him a golden opportunity. He could warn his past self and change his past for the better. The two Sonic’s conversed, but agreed not to mess up the time stream too much. If they did, things could turn out a whole lot worse. Someone else could become the main man. Though they both agreed to screw over their sidekicks some more as Classic Tails was made just as useless as Modern Tails via Speed Force. Shadow speed though was still around though. It seemed those hover skates and chaos powers helped him out. Didn't matter though as the two Sonic’s were the only notable heroes after beating Time Eater and the doctors inside. Sonic was good in the public eye for two consecutive well received journey's.

No one could get into the spotlight other than Sonic anymore. Though in a bizarre twist of fate after getting what he wanted, Sonic was bored. Eggman was such a joke now compared to the blue hedgehog's current abilities, that he fell apart into his own madness. Eggman failed so much he became incompetent and widely ridiculed. He even built two lackie's to make fun of him in his insanity. Sonic laughed at the stupid egghead. "Friends" make things worse.

Sonic's discomfort came from the loss of the the challenge and thrills he once felt. Sonic’s solution was to cut down his speed in the next adventure. Perhaps then he could have some thrills again. Maybe a few more bad guys for him to beat down would appear as well? Sonic did just that and saved the woodland critters. He almost single-handedly defeated the evils of the Lost Hex. A good adventure all around, or so Sonic believed.

People didn't take too much of a liking towards Sonic's last fray. They found the Lost World adventure to be boring, dull, and uninspired. Comparisons to Mario came about here more than the minor ones from the amusement park trip. What was wrong with people Sonic thought? He saved the world and was a complete badass right? Even his enemies sucked when compared to him. Sonic sought out to find the cause. He was close to being called good again, and so he wanted to at least no longer be a joke. Why didn't Mario have these problems he thought.

Through the powers of the speed force, Sonic got a peak at another universe. Maybe Sonic would feel better if he fixed other universes with Sonic in them, so that the blue dude was the super power of all the multi-verse. He entered a bizarre world where this universes' Sonic looked really weird, and had a team of 5. The spiky hedgehog didn't like the idea of a team no more, but to his amazement the team dynamic worked for him. Tails was about as useless as ever and couldn't even fly well. Knuckles was so dumb and brainless he’d never be the cool echidna ever again. Amy was ordinary and less annoying which meant the best of both worlds for Sonic. Then there was this random freak show that made Sonic look extremely cool and more tolerable by comparison. It was perfect.

Sonic guessed this worlds Sonic must be a super genius. He made himself so much better than everyone else that the original Sonic wanted some pointers. After disguising himself and finding out what people really thought, it was a disaster. This version of him was an even bigger failure than the original Sonic. Sonic blamed the friends again and kept to his judgment that the friends are what’s holding him back. Can’t be useful and possibly can’t even be around no more. Sonic aimed to keep things Sonic and Eggman. Perhaps then he’d one day overtake Super Mario.

Now you know the truth behind the speed. You know why your favourite alternate characters have become absolutely terrible. Sonic was always a cocky speed dude with attitude, but we never knew how far he’d go just to be the only star of his world. The lesson here is a good cast can make things better or worse, but a misused cast divides the fans and appeal. Friends are a good thing. Speed is key to the Sonic world. Sonic is more than just speed, but since everyone treats him as just speed, that’s why no one else can have speed. The truth is revealed.

(This is the end of the satire. Just a joke people)