*tumbleweed*

*tumbleweed*

*tumbleweed*

*tumbleweed*

*tumbleweed*

*tumbleweed*

*tumbleweed*

Well. The whole commenty thing is going greaaaaaat eh?

it`s your picture??

nice work!!!

x3

...
I don't quite know what to say...
No, not my piccie. It was buried deep in My Pictures and looked so pretty i decided to use it. ^^

I did a quick read through. It seems interesting.

I wouldn't expect people to really comment on your story until you've posted enough of them to build a following. Furries are notoriously lazy and reading takes a lot more effort than looking at pics.

a couple of things you might want to look into for your story. pay attention to the narrator, a time or two you seem to go from first person to third person when you are referring to the narrator.

also make sure that every time a different person is talking you start a new paragraph. it helps avoid confusion.

Yeah. I write very sporadically on a when-i-feel-like-it basis. So occasionally i forget myself and switch tenses. or sometimes end up in an entirely different place because i hadn't paid attention to where i was. As for speech & new paragraphs, good idea. ^_^
Thanks.

the best way I've found to catch verb, and location, changes is to do a slow reread a week or two after I've finished writing the part. that way my mind has enough distance to see the difference and I can make the corrections.

Actually, i just read through your story. the concept is pretty good, you just need to work on your presentation a bit more.
your story could easily catch the reader's attention better if it was bit more elaborate.
You want to put the reader into the action. Make them hear it, feel it, and so on.

For example, the opening of your story:

"Sprinting forwards, the whistling growing louder by the second, he leapt onto the jeep just at the right moment, the mortar striking just where he had been standing merely seconds ago. "

Could be rewritten as this:

"The high-whistle of mortar sailing through the air heralded the danger approaching, quickly drowning out the sound of my footsteps on the acrid dirt as I made a dash to the safety of my jeep. The ground beneath my feet trembled as the mortar missed its intended mark by mere footsteps behind me."

The direction your story is taking is good, but you just gotta work a little more on immersing the reader deeper into the story...along with a few grammar errors.

Don't give up on it. You have the potential.

Thanks! That means a lot. ^.^
Even if I no longer seem to be able to add to the story at all, it seems that I can write when I try. ^.^