well hello there, i thought about putting a journal but those come and go all the time, so decided to take my first selfie, like ever and yes i know im still not quite "in the picture" but i figure spilling a little more of myself and mayybe get a little more down to the nitty gritty

sex male
orientation straight
born 12-20-1983 (age 31)
height 5'6'
average build (about 165lbs)
brown eyes
hair dirty blonde (dark brown in winter, nearly blonde in summer)
skin color caucasian
lives in Massachusetts

lets see so far how has life gone, my first memories come from when i was 3 and i can very much so recall everything since then, i wont go too extensively but a gist of my bio, i had my first near death experience when i was 4 and nearly drowned in a pool so i think i learned to grow up quite quick. i come from a divorced family, never really knew my father for the first 10 years of my life, thought my step father was my father at the time, until my mom felt she needed to tell me the truth, and i started visiting him yearly since we live across the country apart, those were "ok" times, but the guy never gave me a dime, but was too young to care or worry about it, i think about it every day now knowing that he would owe 17years of child support, and my step father was no prize winner either, was an abusive ass to my mother and even cheated on her, needless to say they divorced when i was about 11 and i had a younger brother and sister that i had to step up and take care of with my mother, and another mile stone to show that i needed to grow up at such a young age, not necessarily a bad thing and yet i think it made me more of a loner at the same time growing up, felt i always needed to be home and my social activity became cartoons cause it was home and so was my family, and yes they drove me crazy more often then not but whose family doesnt? but thats not to say i didnt have friends i had close friends closer then i think i deserved but i had and still do have self worth issues (never good enough feel) i could probably count all my friends at any given time on one hand, still do today sometimes those friends would change, move away, move on but i guess i have never been alone but never know how to quiet open up fully to them, as i did grow i did more on the responsibility thing, by the time i was 14 i had my first job, i was always working at school and after for money, the interesting thing about it was i had never gotten an allowance growing up, but by the time i was working i was giving my mother money, we never really had much together as a family and still dont to this day really, needless to say i think the last time iwas able to afford a vacation was 15 years ago or more now, its hard to say but any time i wasnt working wasnt a vacation it was a hunt for another job, i think the most change i got into was around 6th grade, around that time i went through some dark times and actually became suicidal, and i feel it was just at such a young age, i really did want to give up, and with forced poetry as part of the classes you'd guess it crappy emo death rhymes, and then i got to be designated as some one to watch out for and got my first taste at counseling, not really a fun time either but it was nice to talk even if it was for a school counselor, but that is when i think i really went to a personality trait, i finally didnt give a fuck about anyone or what they thought, i became a loud, fun, and eccentric person, im not sure if i was considered crazy or not but i did learn a lot more feared me to ever mock me, and in some circles became popular, i wouldnt say i made any friends but i was known, people knew my name and my life was what it was moving forward, high school was never that bad as it was in jr. high and no not any HS is perfect but i do wish at time i can go back to such simpler times, as i graduated high school i did have thoughts of moving on and going to college and making something of myself but my grades suffered and i tested poorly, not to say i wasnt intelligent i just didnt have a way to figure out how to test and prove myself, needless to say i did have job experience and so i did that after HS full time, but wasnt enough i needed to move out, get my own place and live beyond my family, so for some god awful stupid reason i decided to see how the other half live and moved across the country to live with my father, would have been fine if he didnt want to completely and utterly rule my life, when i got there he gave me a room, which is to say the only thing he had ever given me, but at cost, right away he got 2 things, he got a tenet to pay him for rent and he got a son to do all the chores and work around the house, he had already remarried, had some kids so i had more siblings, but i was 19 at the time but he treated me the same as my 13 year old sister, i was given a curfew, i had to give him my time, my hard earned money, obey all the rules and just be there to be used, i could have handled one or the other but i lost all my freedoms and choices to grow and become myself, needless to say it became a terrible 6 months of my life, but i still had my mom, i still do, she is my everything and i would do anything for my mom, i may have needed to pay her, but it was to help all of us, for bills, for food, for the needs we all needed, since then i have had several jobs and no time to get back in the learning scope, but if i have to say anything about that i have learned a lot on my own, a self taught man in many ways, i think i have gotten a lot smarter on my own then what ever teacher could suffice (i would still like to get real teaching, and get classes in, maybe soon). with the moves from out to my fathers (bio-dad, i havent spoken to him in 11 years this summer) and my move back to my moms i developed debt, cost a lot out of my own pocket just to do these moves on my own, i have taken care of some but to this day and all my money issues are still in the debt area (someday ill be even) i was able to move out again, i lived with some good friends (the few i could count on one hand, still can) and that was maybe the 3 best years of my life, my own room, not with family, no responsibility but to myself and i had real moments of happiness, but like all things they do have to come to an end, my friends were couple, they had been engaged for years, and while living under the same roof gotten married, and still had a few good years living, but a married couple will stay just a couple til they are parents, and when the stork was on its way so was the time to move on again, tho i had no place to go i still had my family, back to my moms again, only this time it was a new place and was a smaller place, for the last 3 years (and now) im living on my moms couch, its not perfect but im not homeless it is where my life is right now and i will say its getting better a friend has a place for me and im ready to move, but im having (dun dun dun) life problems, my car needs work, i cant even move it right now, and it wouldnt be an issue for a move and what not, but i need my car to commute for work in the new place, if i dont have a car i cant work and then the whole cycle of having and needing money continues so until i get the car fixed im still on the couch for now, theres a silver side i just need to be patient, get to the fixing and move one, im on my way

likes, lets see i really like to make ppl laugh, with that said i want to entertain i want to voice act more than anything, i dont care if im the voice of a barking dog on a kids pre school cartoon or to likes of a voice actor on the Simpsons, its a dream and ill chase after it til my dying breath, i also want to act in the same scale from the short bit character seen in the corner of a movie walking just out of the shot to giving a memorable quote in a big time motion picture, and am entertained by so much in film, tv, art, science, history, etc... i am quite open to a lot and so into new things, i want to know it all if i could and i wouldnt loose any sleep if i never did, i still love the mystery and wonder of it all

and lets get to some other things i guess, perhaps my art and what i follow and fave for art on this site and others, yeah i have a kink, i have a thing, and for the love me i have no idea why, a straitjacket, i have never seen one in person, just from tv, movies and art and for some reason became a thing for me, but thats why theres the internet oh thank you kind internet turns out im not alone some more so then me and some not so then me and i accept that, would i ever wear one? yes, will i ever? idk, would i like to find a partner to share the exp with? yes, will i? idk but ill always take the chance to follow and fave online and get the chance to say hello to you if have art/pics/stories and i thank you for that, so about a year or so now i too started to art, i think i was into the whole thing (still even have trouble saying the word or even typing it, but straitjacket) i was sometime after puberty i think, and i guess i needed an outlet, why no clue, i think i saw a girl in a movie acting all crazy in a padded cell wrapped in a straitjacket and i got turned on, i dont think i ever turned it off tho, i think i some way my solitary way growing up, and lack of yes "hugs" may have helped but i dont know why, i just is as i is, who else could i be? sometime after the internet came out for me and i discovered using it at the local library as i kid, dial up and all i found sites, i found bondage i mean i found porn to but the bondage aspect escalated, i found joy, i found something to look for and type in the yahoo search engine (dont get me wrong porn, regular non bondage porn is still good but i can never get into hetro, guys in it just bugged me so just went with les porn and bondage) i think things like that opened my mind for toleration too, i never had a problem even as a kid to race, color, ethnicity, or orientation, it was all good for me, it was just as it was ya know and soon i found art by someone that went by the name of Arnie and i found art specifically for my interest, houdini-chan brande, lovely art and all about a professional escape artist but took on wild bets that she couldnt win, locked in a straitjacket and more often in the cliche but awesome to me scenario in a padded cell of some asylum, for me is just went hand and hand (confined hand in hand/arm over arm) and i felt alright about that, later discovered the whole site dedicated to just that, the chainsman institute, and enjoyed that art for years to come, and then all of suddenly it disappeared, or well it just stopped putting out new art, then i fellt hungry and could not find anything until i discovered dA (deviantart) and found 100's to 1000's of pictures of art, everything and anything i wanted to search would be found, good times, and sometime later i found another artist that tickled my fancy, zerohenry, and his main character Kaimera, omg it was so new and the same at the same time but the new thing about it was that it wasnt a human, it was a furry, an anthro and then something new for me, something i didnt expect, the furry aspect of things the idea of anthro characters, from that found a link or 2 and then i was open to FA (furaffinity) i mean i have never thought for myself to ever get all nice and dressed up, covered in fur (or other skin) in the form of some anthro/furry and ya know i have cosplayed before, i love halloween, i love going to cons, specifically i have only gone to a comic one once and several times back to an anime con (animeboston) and you know what given the time, the money, and opportunity i would in heart beat

what ive learned i love the community here, and i wanted to share myself with you, i know i put a lot and im sorry even i think its a bit much and if you read at all thank you, i hope to have shared a little something with you and maybe you might want to share something back, its fine if you dont like it either, this is what the internet is for, this is social media at its best and worst, given the time i will read back and get to know as well, all by choice of course

(i may edit this down in pages lol, take care)

-Shades