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GreenPaw Learns How Befriending New Furs Can Lead To Having
10:30 AM.
On a Wednesday.
Warrington, United Kingdom.
“And here’s me on the beach while down in Greece,” Satan said, clicking the black plastic control that operated the slide projector. His minions, Skittles, his sister Pamela, and GreenPaw, all were seated around a table in GreenPaw’s tavern, trying their best to not show their immense boredom. The screen flashed and all their eyes widened at the startling sight of Satan in his beachwear.
“Perfectly appropriate beachwear for Greece!” Satan snapped and he clicked the button repeatedly. “Still on the beach. The beach. With a goat. And finally, Zeus, the leader of the gods…with my head on top. It was this cut-out thing they had. On the beach…” The pictures flicked by on the screen and Satan finally turned and watched as the three yawned and Skittles banged his head against the table.
“And that concludes the slideshow of my vacation to Greece. GreenPaw, lights.” GreenPaw yawned and trudged unenthusiastically over to the wall switch and clicked the switch. The tavern illuminated and the group finally noticed another figure, a female Coyote with green and yellow fur, standing near the fireplace. She had green eyes and blinked several times as she stood looking over the group, obviously uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.
“Oh. And before I forget. That is GreenFur!” Satan bellowed, and pointed a thick red finger at the Coyote. “She’s a new minion that is going to be gathering souls with you losers! So I want you to treat her like any other new minion that you don’t know anything about and who obviously thinks she can just waltz right in here and expect the writer to completely rewrite his storylines!” The Coyote shifted her weight and stepped away from the wall and gave a nervous smile. The three minions just stared at her with the same amount of interest that they had given Satan’s slideshow and GreenFur felt a little more out-of-place.
“As you can see GreenFur, all the chairs are already taken by ‘real’ minions, so I’m going to have to ask you to sit on that box of broken vodka bottles and shards of glass.” He pointed and GreenFur looked across the room, unsure.
“But what about all the empty chairs?” she asked quietly.
“Sorry, we need those in case GreenPaw actually gets any customers in this place. Now go on!” He pointed again to the box and GreenFur slowly made her way across the room, giving the minions a weak smile as she passed. Only Greenpaw caught her smile and he watched as she walked by. Satan crossed his arms and watched as she sat down gingerly on the box.
“Very good! Now let’s give GreenFur a big Hell welcome!” There was a sudden beep and Satan looked at his watch. “Maybe next time! Now drag your useless asses out there and get me some souls!” He shrugged and walked off towards the bar, leaving the three to talk amongst themselves.
“Why are we always stuck with the new minions?” Pamela whined and looked over her shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll stick her with Greenpaw. We have to talk with Satan anyways. About that thing.” Skittles replied.
“What do you mean you’ll stick her with GreenPaw?” Greenpaw balked. “I don’t want to have to wrangle her! She’s new!”
“Oh just spend some time with her. Who knows, maybe she’ll be so grateful that she’ll sleep with you.” Skittles said.
“Really? You think so?” GreenPaw answered, his eyebrows and ears becoming alert.
“I’d say she definitely nail ya,” Pamela said.
“So all I have to do is be nice to her and then I stand a good chance at getting some tail?”
“Of course. That’s how I ended up sleeping with so many different furs…”
“And your brother.” Greenpaw added.
“Seriously dude, come on! I don’t want the new minion to find out!” Skittles said, a worried look appearing on his face.
“I think she probably already knows. I mean they did that programme on The Discovery Channel about you two. Everyfur in the world probably watched it.” GreenPaw said.
“Did we ever get paid for that?” Pamela asked, looking at his brother.
“They told me that they gave the check to our manager.” Skittles replied.
“What manager? We don’t have a manager!”
“Yeah we do! They said they gave it to the green and yellow fellow that was with us!”
“That’s GreenPaw, you idiot! He’s not our manager! You let GreenPaw get our Discovery money?”
“What! GreenPaw, did you take all our money?” GreenPaw shrugged and smiled.
“Goddamn it! You did! That was our hard-earned money!” Skittles shouted.
“Yeah. We know. We all saw what you had to do to earn that money. So graphic.” GreenPaw chuckled and stood up. Skittles and his sister stood up as well and they all looked around.
“Well, we have to go. We have to meet with Satan…to discuss…something important.” Pamela said.
“Oh, that whole thing about Skittles knocking you up?” Greenpaw asked, his eyes wandering back to the female Coyote again.
“What? No! I’m not pregnant!” Pamela said.
“Okay. If you say so. What else could the two of you need to talk to Satan about?”
“It’s something very important. And has nothing to do with pups or getting knocked up or anything perverted like that!” Skittles said.
“Sure, sure…” GreenPaw said, and he rolled his eyes..
“Yeah, well…have you found anyfur to ask to the annual Warrington Make-Out Faire this Friday?” Pamela asked, her voice full of sarcasm.
“Well I was going to ask you, but since we all already know you’re going with your brother, I’ll have to find someone else.” GreenPaw replied.
“You haven’t asked anyone yet? The make-out faire is two days away!” Skittles exclaimed.
“I know, I know!”
“What about one of those nice homeless furs that live under the overpass? I think you ought to take one of them. Crazy Alice called.” Pamela taunted and smiled.
“Come on. Even I can do better than Crazy Alice.” Greenpaw said.
“Well, unless you find someone else then we’ll just assume it’ll be one of the homeless furs. We’ll make sure we bring extra pizza crusts.”
“I’m not going to the town make-out party with a homeless fur.”
“Then you’d better find somebody quick. Or else it’s Crazy Alice for you! And maybe she’ll let you take her pet nutcracker for a walk too!” Pamela laughed.
“We’ll see who’ll be cracking nuts! Come Friday, I’ll be the best tongue wrestler in all of Warrington!”
“Isn’t Crazy Alice missing half her jaw?” Skittles asked.
“And an eye as well.” Pamela added. “I heard she was in a street fight with a loaf of bread.”
“With a loaf of bread or over a loaf a bread?” Greenpaw asked.
“White or wheat?” Skittles asked.
“What difference does that make?” GreenPaw snapped.
“Wheat has the little seeds on top. They could come loose and fly into a nostril or something.”
“That’s rye bread, you moron!”
“It could be all-grain too. That has lots of seeds.” Pamela added.
“Doesn’t pumpernickel have seeds too?” Skittles asked.
“Whatever!” GreenPaw yelled, getting frustrated. “The point is that I will have a make-out partner for this Friday. And she won’t be homeless either!” His eyes drifted across the room again and fell on the new minion, Greenfur.
“You sure you don’t want some spare change just in case? They like spare change.” Pamela said. Skittles meanwhile had caught GP’s gaze and put two and two together.
“You’re not thinking about asking the new minion are you?” he gasped.
“Why not? She seems like she might be nice.”
“Most new furs are. Until provoked. Then they turn out to be…’different’” Pamela said, shaking her head.
“I should at least give her a chance. Who knows, I may even get some tail if I say hello to her.”
“I don’t think Satan would like that.” Skittles said.
“Wouldn’t like what?” Satan bellowed from behind them. They turned around and watched as the Dark Overlord eyed them up suspiciously.
“Just idle chatter.” GreenPaw said and turned back to look at GreenFur.
“GreenPaw is planning on asking a homeless fur to the make-out party.” Pamela lied.
“What?” GreenPaw asked, jerking his head around.
“It isn’t Crazy Alice is it?” Satan asked, shaking his head. GreenPaw sighed and rolled his eyes. “He knows about the loaf of bread, doesn’t he?”
“And the spare change.” Pamela said.
“Come on guys, seriously. I’m not making out with a homeless fur!” GreenPaw said.
“Yeah. He’s going to ask the new minion to the party!” Skittles interjected. Satan looked up at GreenFur and back to his minions, his eyes glowing red.
“Hey Skittles! I don’t want to hear that kind of talk coming from my minions! Not even as a joke!” He yelled and the three looked at the floor. “GreenPaw will be taking a homeless fur to the party and that’s that! Everyfur knows that befriending new furs leads to bad reputations! Now Let’s go and get this important meeting you two have been hinting at since I got back from Greece out of the way! And GreenPaw, get out there and get me some souls! And stay away from that newbie too!”
GreenPaw walked around the corner and towards the carpark and stopped when he saw GreenFur kneeling on the ground, busily bolting a tyre to her jacked-up British racing green-coloured Triumph convertible. He watched her for several seconds, almost in a trance, and then walked up towards her, his hands deep in his pockets.
“Hi there,” he said quietly.
“Hello.” GreenFur replied, her paws twirling the knock-off wrench. She paused and looked up at the green and yellow zombie Coyote standing next to her. There was an uncomfortable pause.
“Whatcha doin’?” GreenPaw asked, kicking at the ground.
“Someone slashed my tyre.” GreenFur said.
“Gee. That’s tough.” GreenPaw said. “I did it.”
“What?” she exclaimed, dropping the wrench. It clattered on the gravel and she turned to stare at the Coyote. “Why would you do that?”
Greenpaw shrugged. “I have a good excuse. Peer pressure.”
“Who put you up to it?” GreenFur demanded.
“No one. Sorry.” GreenPaw shrugged again. “Here, let me help you with that.” He bent down to pick up the wrench and she did at the same time. Their paws brushed against each others and they both giggled and looked into each other’s eyes.
“My name’s..”
“GreenPaw. I remember.” She smiled again and GreenPaw handed her the wrench.
“I like your wheels. Vintage?” GreenPaw asked, standing back up.
“I like ‘em older. Older and green…” GreenFur replied and GP blushed a little and walked around the car.
“You know what would really make her hum? Pop out the block, stick in a Peugeot 206, six-speed gearbox, turbocharger. Hell, even throw on some fender flares and functional rear wing. You know where’d you feel all that raw power? Right between your legs…”
GreenFur had watched him as he talked and was intrigued by him. She was about to say how impressed she was by his knowledge of automobiles but a sudden loud squeal interrupted the moment and the two looked across the parking lot to see Satan’s black Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible screech to a stop a few metres away from them. Satan was driving while Skittles and Pamela were sitting in the back. Satan cut the engine and the trio looked at the two green and yellow Coyotes with accusing eyes.
“What’s going on here, GreenPaw?” Satan asked, his voice low and demanding. GreenPaw shuffled his feet uneasily and quickly pulled out a switchblade knife he had hidden in his pocket.
“Just…uh…slashing the new meat’s tyres!” he called out and quickly jammed the knife into the front tyre that GreenFur had just changed. It deflated and she watched in wide-eyed astonishment.
“Way to go, GreenPaw!” Skittles yelled and he gave a thumbs-up.
“Yeah. Hey GreenPaw, we’re going into towne so these two can buy me dinner. Then we’re going over to my place to take a shower. Why don’t you join us there when you’re done?”
“Yeah, maybe. Just let me finish teaching this punk a lesson first!” GreenPaw smiled at the trio and then turned back to GreenFur. “I don’t mean any of this, really.” He took the wrench from her paw and smashed the side door glass and then whacked the windscreen several times, cracking the glass. GreenFur stared in silent horror and remained speechless.
GreenPaw then smacked the side door and fender, denting the metal.
“I like you a lot!” he told her over the sound of the banging. He smashed out the headlamps and then tossed the wrench at her feet. “I really do like you. Call me!” And with that, GreenPaw took off and ran down the street. GreenFur just stood and stared in complete disbelief at her battered car.
The high-end restaurant was almost completely filled with dining patrons. Satan, Skittles, and Pamela were seated at a wide table near the centre of the dining area, where Satan was busy ripping apart the breadsticks that were stacked in a small wicker basket. He looked around the fancy interior and grabbed another breadstick and started to pull it apart.
“This is a really fancy place. It’s about time you two minions started treating me with a little respect.” Satan said, chewing on a piece of bread.
“It really doesn’t have anything to do with respect.” Pamela said flatly.
“Yeah. We just wanted to bring you somewhere nice so you wouldn’t make a scene.” Skittles added.
“Yeah, okay.” Satan mumbled and took another bite.
“Satan, we brought you here today because we need to talk to you about something.” Pamela started.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“It’s kind of disturbing.” Skittles said, his voice lowering. Satan stopped fiddling with the bread and looked at the two minions, his head lowering and his eyes widening.
“You didn’t get your sister pregnant did you?” he asked. Pamela and Skittles exchanged disgusted and disturbed looks and stared back at Satan.
“What?” Skittles asked.
“No that’s disgusting.” Pamela said, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah it is.” Satan replied. “Stay away from that sort of thing. No good can come from getting a sibling knocked up. Trust me.”
“That’s not what we’re here to discuss.” Skittles said, obviously shocked.
“It better not be!” Satan exclaimed, picking up another breadstick. “I don’t want any retarded minions running around Hell!”
“I didn’t get my sister pregnant!” Skittles gasped, his voice trying to remain calm.
“Holy shit!” a female voice came from behind their table. They all looked up as Skittles and Pamela’s mum walked up to the empty chair and stared at the three in abhorred repulsion. “What the hell am I walking into here? You two aren’t having pups together are you?”
“No, mum.” Pamela said, hiding her face in her paws.
“What the hell is she doing here?” Satan asked, throwing his bread on the table.
“Could you please just sit down, mom. Please.” Skittles asked
“I’m not getting pulled into any perverted sex talk with you three.” Anne said, gripping the back of the empty chair.
“It’s not perverted!” Skittles exclaimed.
“Knocking up your sister is perverted, Skittles!” Satan replied.
“I didn’t knock up my sister!” Skittles yelled and the entire restaurant grew quiet, the other patrons looking in their direction with curious eyes. Skittles and Pamela both hid their faces and their mother shifted her weight uncomfortably. After a few moments, the classical music started up again and the other guests went back to their meals.
“Could you please sit down?” Pamela asked from behind her paws.
“This is why I wanted…to come somewhere nice…to avoid something like this…” Skittles said quietly. Anne sighed and at down next to Satan, who took another breadstick and started to chomp away.
“Hello Satan.” she said coolly.
“Anne.” Satan replied, glancing at her. “Your face looks like a moccasin.”
“You have turned into a retarded fur.” Anne replied.
“You’re a retard!” Satan shot back.
“Guys, guys. Can we please use some adult language? Just for a little bit?” Pamela asked.
“Look, we invited the two of you out today because we want to talk to you about something important.” Skittles began.
“There’s this fur. His name is Adam. He’s been sending us emails and pictures. He claims he is our real father. Is there a chance he could be?” Pamela asked.
“Not at all.” Satan said quickly.
“That depends. Which Adam?” Anne asked. Satan looked over at her, his mouth dropping open. “Adam…Foxburg?”
“Yeah…” the two minions said in uneasy unison.
“Then yes.” Anne answered.
“Yes, there is a chance he could be our real father?” Skittles asked, his eyes widening a little.
“No. Yes he ‘is’ your father. The both of you.”
“What?!” Satan, Skittles, and Pamela all asked at the same time.
“Do we really have to get into this right now?” she asked, filling up her glass from the wine bottle.
“Umm, yeah…” Skittles said.
“Yeah, this is kind of important to us.” Pamela added.
“How many furs have you been banging?” Satan asked, his mouth still hanging open.
“Fine, fine!” she caved in and took a long drink. “I met Adam years ago when I was travelling across Sweden. We had a night of unbridled passion and then the next day I met a butcher from Nebraska that was on vacation in Stockholm. He bought me a deli sandwich and next thing I knew I was back in the States. A few months later you two were born and since Adam didn’t have any money and was still living in Sweden, I just kept quiet and stayed in Nebraska, where I separated the two of you and dropped you off with different fathers. End of story.” Anne smiled and took another drink. Again, the three looked at her in shocked astonishment.
“End of story?” Skittles asked, his voice unbelieving.
“You mean we’re twins?” Pamela asked, and looked at her brother.
“You whore!” Satan bellowed. “Now I find out that you cruised across Sweden, selling your body and making pups! I can’t believe it!”
“What difference does that make? It’s not like you raised them!” Anne yelled back.
“You whore! I can’t believe that I have these two bastards working in Hell for me!” Satan jumped up from his chair and threw his arms in the air.
“I can’t believe that we’re actually twins.” Pamela said again.
“How could you not know? I mean you two look exactly alike.” Anne replied.
“This is so shocking! How many furs have you been with?” Satan asked.
“Calm down, Satan. This really has nothing to do with you. So don’t make a scene!” Anne snapped.
“Oh, don’t make a scene!” Satan yelled and walked around the table. “Don’t draw any attention!” He continued to rant and the restaurant grew quiet again. He went to the next table where an upper-class Great Dane couple were dining. He grabbed the male by the shirt sleeve and pointed over towards the minions’ table.
“Did you bang my minions whore mum?” Satan asked loudly and the Dane shook his head. “Did you nail her and have any pups I need to know about? How about you?’ He jumped over to the next table and asked the couple sitting there.
“Goddamn it, Satan!” Anne yelled, this time hiding her face. Skittles and Pamela followed suit.
“Goddamn it Satan!” Satan mocked. “Goddamn it, ’Satan!’” he ran around the restaurant as everyone’s eyes followed him. His face became redder as his anger grew and he started to thrash his arms around wildly. “This is such an outrage! Somebody’s gotta get stabbed!” He grabbed a steak knife off a nearby table and charged towards Anne. Unfortunately he caught the edge of a linen tablecloth and tripped. He fell to the floor and landed on the steak knife. Everyfur watched with wide eyes and Anne shook her head. Skittles and Pamela looked in disbelief from the unmoving form of Satan to their mum and back again.
“Let’s get out of here.” Anne said, standing up.
“Yeah.” Skittles agreed and the three stood up and quickly left the restaurant while the other patrons continued to stare and murmur and point at the unmoving form on the floor.
The tavern was empty and GreenPaw was behind the bar, mixing a drink and thinking about the new minion, GreenFur. He had just finished pouring some clear liquid from a brown glass bottle into his glass when the front door opened and GreenFur walked in, looking sullen. GreenPaw perked up and took a quick drink, his nerves beginning to act up and his stomach began to flutter.
“GreenFur! What are you doing here?” He asked, and took another quick drink. “Oh, and how’s your car?”
“They have to replace the windscreen and the fender.” she said quietly. GreenPaw shook his head and made a clucking sound.
“Those glass and body furs will screw you every time. Tell ya what. I have a friend who’s dad is a mechanic. He’ll hook you up. Tell him you’re a friend of mine.”
“Am I friend of yours?’ she asked, looking over at him.
“Of course you are! Would you like a drink? I just mixed up a fresh batch?”
“What’s in it?”
“Some Coke. A little bit of Captain Morgan. Mostly embalming fluid. Can you believe the morgues hog all this stuff for there own personal use?”
“You’re drinking embalming fluid?”
“There’s Coke in here too!”
“I’ll pass. But I’m kinda glad I ran into you here. I needed to talk to somefur and you’re the only one around here who doesn’t hate me.”
“Of course you can talk to me!” GreenPaw exclaimed and he leaned over the bar, looking at her. “Shove your words into my ears.”
“I’m thinking about leaving England…” GreenFur said slowly.
“What? Why?”
“I just don’t fit in here. I mean I know I should give it more than a day, but aside from you, no other furs have even acknowledged my existence. Plus I wasn’t even able to get a single soul today.”
“Yeah I wouldn’t really worry about the soul-gathering too much. That hook kinda faded away as this story series progressed. But you can’t leave already! You have to give this a shot! What would your parents think if you told them you quit being a minion only after one day?”
“That’s just it. I don’t know my real parents. I have no idea who my mother is and from what genetics was able to tell me my father was a zombified Coyote from Sweden with green and yellow fur and limited mental capabilities.” GreenFur looked down at her paws and sighed loudly.
“He sounds like quite the chap.” GreenPaw replied and looked off into space, trying hard to seem interested in GreenFur’s story.
“This is the only thing I have to remember my father by.” She reached around her neck and removed a silver necklace with a patch of green and yellow fur tied to it and laid it on the counter. “I was told this was on me when I was discovered in an empty gin box. I want you to have it.”
“Wow. It’s a patch of fur. Thank you GreenFur.” GreenPaw picked up the necklace and looked at it, unsure of what to do with it.
“It’s the least I could do. You being so understanding and everything…” Their eyes met again and GreenPaw looked away shyly and then stuttered.
“Hey…umm…GreenFur…I was wondering…maybe if you weren’t doing anything this Friday…if you’d…you’d like to go with me to the Warrington Make-out Faire.” He looked at the floor nervously but was quite relieved to finally have the question out in the air.
“You’d actually want me to go with you?” she asked nervously.
“Well it’s either you or this homeless fur. And I don’t really feel like having to hose my date down before I get a little action. If you know what I mean.”
“Those homeless really do need to bathe more often.” GreenFur snickered.
“You would think living outside and being in the public eye all the time would make hygiene their top priority.”
“Maybe after the make-out party we could drive by and throw bars of soap at them!”
“So that means you’ll go with me?”
“Of course!”
“This is great! If my breath didn’t smell like a coffin I’d kiss you right now!” Greenpaw said, his eyes brightening and a smile crossing his muzzle.
“It’s okay. I made out with a corpse before. Once you get past the beef jerky-like feeling it’s not so bad.”
“You made out with a corpse? You are one kinky girl!” GreenPaw shyly walked over and leaned in to give the minion a kiss. “Now I like you even more!”
“And I like you too, Daddy…” GreenFur replied and she stopped when she realised what she had said. GreenPaw also stopped just millimetres from her lips and looked at her with a puzzled look.
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“Oh. Oh my. Sorry. I didn’t mean…we were talking about my parents before and I was thinking of them and…I didn’t mean too…” She blushed and looked away and GreenPaw took a few steps backwards, clearly freaked out.
“That’s kinda disturbing.”
“I’m sorry. Does this mean we can’t go to the make-out party together?”
“No, no. We’ll still be going to that. The Green Pole hasn’t seen any action for a while and I have to take what I can get! But I should get us some more to drink. Can you give me a paw?”
GreenFur nodded and the two walked around the bar to the door that led to the basement. GreenPaw went downstairs to retrieve some more alcohol while GreenFur watched from the top of the stairs. He returned a few minutes later with a variety of bottles and he smiled at her.
“I’ll mix you up a special drink to celebrate our new friendship!” he said.
“Sounds good. What are you going to be mixing? It’s not going to be embalming fluid will it?”
“How can a fur that banged a corpse not like embalming fluid?”
“Made out. Not banged. Haven’t gone that far yet.”
“Oh I am so going to tear you up this Friday!” GreenPaw exclaimed, his eagerness returning. “But for now let’s get really drunk and practice things we can do with our tongues!” He started to walk back towards the front when the door banged open again and Satan came strolling in.
“GreenPaw! Is your useless ass in here?” he bellowed.
“Shit!” GreenPaw barked and turned back to GreenFur. “It’s Satan! We can’t let him see us together! Quick, hide!” And before GreenFur could respond, GreenPaw shoved her inside the basement door where she stumbled on the weak wooden steps and tumbled down to the stone floor below. GreenPaw cringed and quickly slammed the door just as Satan walked around the bar.
“What the hell are you doing back here?” Satan asked, his eyes narrowing.
“Just getting some liquor to make up some drinks!” GreenPaw replied, trying not to look nervous. “What the hell happened to you?” He pointed to Satan’s chest where a large white bandage was wrapped across the red fur.
“Oh I fell on a steak knife.”
“Okay… do you want a drink?”
“Sure. I need to get nice and drunk so that I can handle Skittles mum. We’re going to the make-out faire together. Which reminds me. Who are you taking?”
“Oh, I’ve got some fur in mind…” GreenPaw said and started to mix up another batch of drinks.
“It’s not that new minion that’s been slinking around, is it?” Satan demanded. “Because I’ve been hearing a rumour that you two have a cosy little friendship going.”
“What!? How did you hear about that?” GreenPaw exclaimed, almost spilling some liquid.
“I’m not going to say. I’m not a tell-all like Skittles; who told me all about you and that newbie.”
“Well it’s not true!”
“Well then who are you taking to the make-out party?” GreenPaw’s eyes darted around the empty tavern, frantically trying to come up with an excuse to give Beelzebub. He looked out the window and happened upon Crazy Alice poking amongst the rubbish bins.
“Crazy Alice!” he exclaimed and pointed. Satan looked just as Crazy Alice, a ragged and destitute-looking Feline, glanced in the window, an empty soup tin stuck on her frazzled muzzle. Satan looked back at GreenPaw and then back to Crazy Alice, who was now licking the window.
“So you’re not taking the new fur?” he asked, still hesitant.
“GreenFur? No way. She’s not like us at all! She’s new!” Greenpaw shook his head and laughed uneasily as he poured two pints.
“Quite good then.” Satan replied and downed the pint quickly. “Well I’m off to snag Skittles’ mum. We’ve got a lot of practicing to do if we plan on beating Skittles and Pamela on Friday in the necking and groping challenge.”
“Are we the only ones that aren’t disturbed by their relationship? I mean all that incest and shit between brother and sister just seems perverted.”
“What’s even more perverted is that they are actually twins! How’s that for a twist?”
“What the hell’s the matter with you? They look exactly alike! It’s so obvious they are twins! You’d have to be a complete moron not to realise when you’re banging a close relation!”
“We’ll see who’ll be banging relations this Friday! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tend to that whore mum of those perverted twins.”
“Make sure she screams out my name!” GreenPaw called after Satan and quickly downed his pint. He watched as Satan left and he quickly darted back to the basement door and threw it open.
“GreenFur! Are you alright?” he called down the stairs.
“I think so.” she answered meekly. “These boxes of used syringes and barrels of medical waste broke my fall…”
“Oh good. I guess it was a good thing I raided the Dumpster behind DarkPlaces Hospital last week. Do you know they just toss that stuff out like it’s garbage? And they put it in a bright red bin so it’s easy to find! Talk about convenience!”
“GreenPaw,” GreenFur said, looking up at him. Her voice had become serious and softer. “Is it true what I heard you telling Satan?”
“Well…umm…” GreenPaw stuttered, looking embarrassed. “Look. I’m sorry, GreenFur. I really want to take you to the make-out party. But if everyfur in town sees me with the new minion…well…I just can’t be a new character again. It’s so hard doing the wrong thing the right way. So, I’m sorry. We can’t go to the make-out party together. I have to think of what’s best for me here.” He offered her a sympathetic smile and she looked away, not saying anything for a few moments.
“I guess that means I should go then,” she finally spoke, her voice quivering as she struggled to hold back tears. She stood up and started towards the staircase; GreenPaw watching her.
“Hey GreenFur…” GreenPaw started.
“Yes?” she asked, looking at him again.
“Could you be a dear and clean up the mess you made down there? I have to go and lasso Crazy Alice and give her some cheese so that way I can prep her for Friday. Thanks a bunch!” And before GreenFur could respond, he slammed the door shut and grabbed a length of rope that was hanging from a hook and went outside.
Friday night arrived and the town was alight with the soft romantic glow of mood-lighting set around the centre square. Various couches, beds, benches, and automobiles were set up along the streets and lawns as every single fur in the entire town of Warrington was busy making out and groping their respective partners. Soft music played from overhead speakers strung about and a large table of various food and drink aphrodisiacs was spread out. Beside the table, on a large pleated sofa, sat GreenPaw and Crazy Alice. GreenPaw was holding his paws together and staring at the ground while Crazy Alice noisily slurped away at a plate of oysters. She finished another shellfish and tossed the shell away and looked at her make-out date, oyster slime dripping down her maw.
“I’m gonna go ‘it the crapper!” she belched and wiped her muzzle with her grubby sleeve. “When I get back you betta be ‘ere! And get me some more food, wouldya? Then I’ll give you some frisky feline lovin’!”
“Lovely,” GreenPaw replied, unenthusiastically. He watched her wobbly away (It turned out she had a wooden leg as well) and he sighed sadly. Skittles and Pamela walked over, arm in arm, and looked at the lonesome fur.
“What’s wrong, GP?” Skittles asked. “Not getting any pussy tonight?”
“Is it true you had to sedate her just to get her into your car?” Pamela asked.
“I used a cattle prod too. But what does it matter? All she’s doing is eating. And stinking. I should have come with GreenFur. At least I would have seen a little bit of action.”
“Yeah, you should have. You and her would have made a great couple. Just like me and sis here!”
“Yeah, that’s disgusting. And you guys being twins makes it even more disturbing now.”
“So why didn’t you ask GreenFur to the make-out party?” Pamela asked.
“Because everyone hated her because she was new! And if I would be seen with her then everyfur would hate me again as well!”
“Well we kinda still do hate you…” Skittles said.
“Yeah, you still are quite the asshole.” Pamela added.
“Well at least I’m not banging my sister!” GreenPaw shot back.
“You’re not banging anyfur by the look of things!” Pamela shot back.
“Bang” Skittles said, pointing at his twin sister. “And bang!” he pointed at GreenPaw. “That was a very sexy retort, Sis! Let’s go find a backseat and see what other nastiness can come out of that mouth!”
“I hope you two get herpes!” GreenPaw yelled after them as they darted away. “Sick freaks! Banging family members! How perverted is that?”
“GreenPaw?” a quiet voice called to him. He turned at saw GreenFur standing a few metres behind him, staring at him sheepishly.
“GreenFur!” he said excitedly. “I thought you left for Sweden! I haven’t seen you since the other night!”
“You uh…locked the basement door when you closed it the other night. I couldn’t get out. I knocked and yelled but nobody heard me. Finally one of Crazy Alice’s friends broke into your tavern and eventually left me out. And he stole all of your needles. And two pints of embalming fluid…”
“Son of a bitch!” GreenPaw yelled. “Here I thought all that knocking was just Crazy Alice trying to break out of that trunk I stuffed her into…”
“How is your night with her going anyhow?”
“She’s eaten a lot of oysters but I still haven’t even gotten to first base. What about you? Why are you here?”
“I’m just looking for somefur to make out with.” She smiled and blushed and GreenPaw did the same.
“Well…why couldn’t that fur…be me?”
“What about Crazy Alice?”
“Let her choke on a shell. Or her own vomit. I don’t care. You’re the one I should have come here with in the first place.” He took her paws in his and they both smiled.
“What about me being new?” she asked hesitantly.
“I was new once too. And you know what I did?” GreenFur shook her head. “I banged half the furs and backstabbed and cheated the other half in this town until they all accepted me by hating my guts. And that’s the only true way to be accepted.”
“That’s so wise.” GreenFur said and stepped closer to GP. “You can teach me so much. Do you want to go make out?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” GreenPaw answered and they started to walk towards GreenPaw’s nearby parked Citroen.
“No!” screamed a shrill and raspy voice from behind them. They both stopped and turned to see Crazy Alice standing near the food table, a length of crusty French bread in her paws.
“Hey! That new fur is trying to steal GreenPaw away from Crazy Alice!” Satan yelled
“Get her!” yelled Anne, who was trying to smooth out her fur from her and Satan’s heavy make-out session. Before either could react, Crazy Alice ran up to GreenFur and smacked her across the top of her head with the loaf. The bread broke apart in thousands of pieces and GreenFur just stood there, stupefied and a tad scared. Greenpaw had backed away from her a few steps and was frantically looking around.
“Get her! Club her!” \Satan bellowed and a large group of furs gathered around the three, eager to get a piece of the new fur. Crazy Alice let out a crazy-sounding yelp and lunged towards GreenFur, but was stopped suddenly when GP smacked her on the back of the skull with a ceramic bowl of oysters. She fell to the ground and all the furs looked at GreenPaw.
“I’ve got something to say!” GreenPaw yelled and all eyes were suddenly on him as the crowd hushed. He stepped over Crazy Alice and walked over towards GreenFur.
“I’ve learned something tonight. And I have to ask. Is it so wrong to be different? And is it so different to be new? Now I’m not saying that being new isn’t a horrible thing…of course it is. But in these trying times we must remember that the small green stem grows up to be a mighty old oak. Which in turn we chop down…to make the new axe handles…to chop down our mighty old oaks. And that’s the important thing. Thank you.” The crowd remained quiet and looked at each other with puzzled looks.
“That was beautiful, GreenPaw.” Pamela said.
“I hereby declare GreenPaw and GreenFur the king and queen of this year’s Make-Out Faire!Fit them with their crowns!” Satan said and the townfurs all began to applaud. Skittles walked over with two plastic crowns and placed them on each of their heads.
“Now let’s watch the lucky couple as they consummate their honour by going at it front of all of us!” Satan said and another round of applause followed.
“Uh…no.” green paw said quickly. “All of you can piss off! We’re out of here!” He turned and held his paw out to GreenFur. “GreenFur?” he asked gently and she smiled and took his paw and they walked past the crowd together.
“What about letting us all have a turn with the new fur?” Skittles asked, standing next to Satan, his mother, and his sister.
“Hey! You’re here with me!” Pamela scolded.
“Screw all of you!” GreenPaw shouted over his shoulder and he flipped the entire crowd off.
“What a jerk!” Pamela said.
“Yeah, but he’s going to be a happy jerk in a few minutes. He’s so gonna tap that ass!” Satan said.
“Yeah. The lucky bastard.” Skittles said, and they all shook their heads and went back to making out.
GreenPaw parked the Citroen in an empty spot in a row of automobiles that were overlooking the town square. He cut the engine and the two minions sat in silence for a few moments, admiring the star-filled sky above and hearing the faint romance music wafting through the open windows.
“Thanks for sticking up for me back there,” GreenFur finally spoke and looked at him.
“Yeah, that was nothing.” GreenPaw replied and in the blink of an eye they were kissing. Everything else was forgotten as they explored each other’s mouths with there tongues and their paws explored each others bodies. The kissing became more involved and soon the two furs were panting and squirming as they both struggled to breath and also give and receive pleasure. Finally, Greenpaw broke the deep kiss and sucked in a long breath. GreenFur scooted closer to him, also sucking in air and panting heavily.
“I couldn’t help but notice…” she panted, and pointed to the centre of his forehead where a dark hole was still visible through the fur.
“Oh yeah. I took a bullet through my head about twenty-some years ago while still living in Stockholm. Hey, maybe I should fill it in with this!” He lifted up the necklace she had given him earlier and removed the tuft of fur. He stuck it into the hole and admired his handiwork in the mirror. “Wow. It fits perfectly.”
“GreenPaw,” GreenFur said quietly as she watched him fiddle around with the tuft of fur. “Remember how I told you I never met my real parents?”
“Yeah. That’s too bad…” GreenPaw looked around the car and out the window, eager to stop talking and get back to making out.
“I think…I think maybe I just met my father…”
GreenPaw stopped looking around and stared at GreenFur. His mouth dropped open and the tuft of fur he had stuck in his forehead fell out and landed on the seat.
“Oh boy…” he said hesitantly. GreenFur’s eyes widened at the realisation.
“Why Dad, why?” she asked.
“You have to understand GreenFur. I was really crazy when I was younger. And then I was killed and came back as a Zombie and did even crazier shit. I did things I wouldn’t force on a horse. And that includes things I forced on a horse.” He offered her an apologetic smile.
“So you just gave me away?” she asked, her emotions bungling together in a mass of confusion. There was a trace of tears at the corners of her eyes.
“No, no! Never!” GreenPaw took her paws in his and squeezed them. “I traded you for a PlayStation system. And for all these years I’ve wondered…what happened to that PlayStation?”
“Well do you even know who my real mother is?” GreenFur asked, trying to grasp what GP was telling her.
“Of course I do!” GreenPaw smiled and then his eyes went blank. “Let me see. Sweden. Sweden…” He snapped his fingers and his smile returned. “It was either this overweight IKEA cashier with a fierce overbite…or a Finn. Yeah, I’m pretty sure she was from Finland. They’re as thick as flies up there. But that’s not important right now. What matters is that we’re here, together again.” He put his arm around her shoulders and she gently pulled back.
“You can’t just walk back into my life and start being my father.” she said sternly.
“Well maybe I could be your friend.” GreenPaw offered.
“That’d have been nice. But I’m leaving tomorrow to go back to Sweden.”
“What! No! I won’t let you leave again! Not now!”
“But I have to go. The writer only commissioned me for this one story so far.”
“Okay.” GreenPaw shrugged. “I guess it’s what best seeing as I don’t have any parental instincts or actual means of supporting you…”
GreenFur smiled and opened the side door and slid away from her father. GreenPaw looked at her with a puzzled look and reached out his paw to her.
“Well, goodbye Dad.” she said and gave him a quick wave.
“Wait! You’re leaving now? Can’t we still have sex?” He jumped out of the other door and ran around the car, watching as she walked off into the darkness. “GreenFur!” She disappeared and he hit the bonnet of the car in frustration.
“Damn it!” He looked around and then his eyes brightened and he jumped back into the car. “I hope Crazy Alice is still alive! The Green Pole’s throbbin’!” And he backed out and hurried back down to the faire.
GreenPaw walked into the tavern just as dawn was beginning to break over the countryside. He forced himself across the floor and was startled to see the rest of the gang propped up against the bar, downing early-morning pints.
“Well there’s the lucky son-of-a-bitch who scored with his own daughter!” Satan bellowed cheerfully and let out a loud chortle.
“What?! You knew?” GreenPaw exclaimed as he poured himself a tall pint.
“We all knew you idiot!” Skittles mum said. “I mean holy shit she looked exactly like you except for the breasts and nicer ass.”
“Yeah really. You can’t be that stupid.” Pamela chimed in.
“Well, why didn’t any of you tell me?” GreenPaw demanded.
“Because we wanted to see how perverted you really could be.” Satan answered.
“Yeah, I may be sleeping with my sister, but you nailed your own DAUGHTER!” Skittles said smugly. “Now who’s more perverted?”
“The joke’s on you losers. I only got to second base with her. Skittles got his own sister knocked up. Who’s perverted now?”
“You mean you’re that lame that you couldn’t even bag your own daughter? You’re slipping GreenPaw.” Satan said.
“You guys are a bunch of idiots. I’m not slipping at all. In fact I’ll have you know that I got hot lovin’ all night long.” GreenPaw took a long drink from his glass and let out a satisfied sigh.
“That’s right. He banged a toothless homeless fur. That’s so much better.” Pamela said.
“Yeah I would have stayed with your daughter. No good can come from banging a homeless fur. Especially one without teeth.” Anne added.
“So you’re saying it would have been alright for me to nail GreenFur?” GP asked.
“Well yeah. Who the hell wants to be known around town as the fur that bangs the homeless. What kind of reputation is that?” Satan asked.
“Son of a bitch!” GreenPaw cursed and he finished the last of his pint and got another.
Lessons learned indeed…
******************************************************
Sorry for having to post my writings this way, but the stupid site won't except Microsoft Word wps files yet and I can't get anything else to load in the other formats...so i have to keep fiddling I guess.
Anyways, this is the first new 'The Hell' story for the completely unnecessary Second Helping. In this story, a new minion is introduced to the group and GreenPaw has to find a way to befriend her without letting the others know he is talking to the new fur.
Meanwhile, Skittles and his sister have some disturbing news for Satan.
I hope you enjoy and sorry for being away for a couple of weeks...i had some eye surgery and couldn't see for a few days. (Fancy that) But i'm back in tip-top shape and ready to resume writing!
As always, the character of GreenPaw is copywrited to Shadow-SwiftPaw and used with her permission.
Duncan Skittles, Satan, Pamela, Anne, and GreenFur are my creations and talk to me in the dark and tell me to do awful things to butterflies.
Enjoy!
Adrik
On a Wednesday.
Warrington, United Kingdom.
“And here’s me on the beach while down in Greece,” Satan said, clicking the black plastic control that operated the slide projector. His minions, Skittles, his sister Pamela, and GreenPaw, all were seated around a table in GreenPaw’s tavern, trying their best to not show their immense boredom. The screen flashed and all their eyes widened at the startling sight of Satan in his beachwear.
“Perfectly appropriate beachwear for Greece!” Satan snapped and he clicked the button repeatedly. “Still on the beach. The beach. With a goat. And finally, Zeus, the leader of the gods…with my head on top. It was this cut-out thing they had. On the beach…” The pictures flicked by on the screen and Satan finally turned and watched as the three yawned and Skittles banged his head against the table.
“And that concludes the slideshow of my vacation to Greece. GreenPaw, lights.” GreenPaw yawned and trudged unenthusiastically over to the wall switch and clicked the switch. The tavern illuminated and the group finally noticed another figure, a female Coyote with green and yellow fur, standing near the fireplace. She had green eyes and blinked several times as she stood looking over the group, obviously uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.
“Oh. And before I forget. That is GreenFur!” Satan bellowed, and pointed a thick red finger at the Coyote. “She’s a new minion that is going to be gathering souls with you losers! So I want you to treat her like any other new minion that you don’t know anything about and who obviously thinks she can just waltz right in here and expect the writer to completely rewrite his storylines!” The Coyote shifted her weight and stepped away from the wall and gave a nervous smile. The three minions just stared at her with the same amount of interest that they had given Satan’s slideshow and GreenFur felt a little more out-of-place.
“As you can see GreenFur, all the chairs are already taken by ‘real’ minions, so I’m going to have to ask you to sit on that box of broken vodka bottles and shards of glass.” He pointed and GreenFur looked across the room, unsure.
“But what about all the empty chairs?” she asked quietly.
“Sorry, we need those in case GreenPaw actually gets any customers in this place. Now go on!” He pointed again to the box and GreenFur slowly made her way across the room, giving the minions a weak smile as she passed. Only Greenpaw caught her smile and he watched as she walked by. Satan crossed his arms and watched as she sat down gingerly on the box.
“Very good! Now let’s give GreenFur a big Hell welcome!” There was a sudden beep and Satan looked at his watch. “Maybe next time! Now drag your useless asses out there and get me some souls!” He shrugged and walked off towards the bar, leaving the three to talk amongst themselves.
“Why are we always stuck with the new minions?” Pamela whined and looked over her shoulder.
“Don’t worry about it. We’ll stick her with Greenpaw. We have to talk with Satan anyways. About that thing.” Skittles replied.
“What do you mean you’ll stick her with GreenPaw?” Greenpaw balked. “I don’t want to have to wrangle her! She’s new!”
“Oh just spend some time with her. Who knows, maybe she’ll be so grateful that she’ll sleep with you.” Skittles said.
“Really? You think so?” GreenPaw answered, his eyebrows and ears becoming alert.
“I’d say she definitely nail ya,” Pamela said.
“So all I have to do is be nice to her and then I stand a good chance at getting some tail?”
“Of course. That’s how I ended up sleeping with so many different furs…”
“And your brother.” Greenpaw added.
“Seriously dude, come on! I don’t want the new minion to find out!” Skittles said, a worried look appearing on his face.
“I think she probably already knows. I mean they did that programme on The Discovery Channel about you two. Everyfur in the world probably watched it.” GreenPaw said.
“Did we ever get paid for that?” Pamela asked, looking at his brother.
“They told me that they gave the check to our manager.” Skittles replied.
“What manager? We don’t have a manager!”
“Yeah we do! They said they gave it to the green and yellow fellow that was with us!”
“That’s GreenPaw, you idiot! He’s not our manager! You let GreenPaw get our Discovery money?”
“What! GreenPaw, did you take all our money?” GreenPaw shrugged and smiled.
“Goddamn it! You did! That was our hard-earned money!” Skittles shouted.
“Yeah. We know. We all saw what you had to do to earn that money. So graphic.” GreenPaw chuckled and stood up. Skittles and his sister stood up as well and they all looked around.
“Well, we have to go. We have to meet with Satan…to discuss…something important.” Pamela said.
“Oh, that whole thing about Skittles knocking you up?” Greenpaw asked, his eyes wandering back to the female Coyote again.
“What? No! I’m not pregnant!” Pamela said.
“Okay. If you say so. What else could the two of you need to talk to Satan about?”
“It’s something very important. And has nothing to do with pups or getting knocked up or anything perverted like that!” Skittles said.
“Sure, sure…” GreenPaw said, and he rolled his eyes..
“Yeah, well…have you found anyfur to ask to the annual Warrington Make-Out Faire this Friday?” Pamela asked, her voice full of sarcasm.
“Well I was going to ask you, but since we all already know you’re going with your brother, I’ll have to find someone else.” GreenPaw replied.
“You haven’t asked anyone yet? The make-out faire is two days away!” Skittles exclaimed.
“I know, I know!”
“What about one of those nice homeless furs that live under the overpass? I think you ought to take one of them. Crazy Alice called.” Pamela taunted and smiled.
“Come on. Even I can do better than Crazy Alice.” Greenpaw said.
“Well, unless you find someone else then we’ll just assume it’ll be one of the homeless furs. We’ll make sure we bring extra pizza crusts.”
“I’m not going to the town make-out party with a homeless fur.”
“Then you’d better find somebody quick. Or else it’s Crazy Alice for you! And maybe she’ll let you take her pet nutcracker for a walk too!” Pamela laughed.
“We’ll see who’ll be cracking nuts! Come Friday, I’ll be the best tongue wrestler in all of Warrington!”
“Isn’t Crazy Alice missing half her jaw?” Skittles asked.
“And an eye as well.” Pamela added. “I heard she was in a street fight with a loaf of bread.”
“With a loaf of bread or over a loaf a bread?” Greenpaw asked.
“White or wheat?” Skittles asked.
“What difference does that make?” GreenPaw snapped.
“Wheat has the little seeds on top. They could come loose and fly into a nostril or something.”
“That’s rye bread, you moron!”
“It could be all-grain too. That has lots of seeds.” Pamela added.
“Doesn’t pumpernickel have seeds too?” Skittles asked.
“Whatever!” GreenPaw yelled, getting frustrated. “The point is that I will have a make-out partner for this Friday. And she won’t be homeless either!” His eyes drifted across the room again and fell on the new minion, Greenfur.
“You sure you don’t want some spare change just in case? They like spare change.” Pamela said. Skittles meanwhile had caught GP’s gaze and put two and two together.
“You’re not thinking about asking the new minion are you?” he gasped.
“Why not? She seems like she might be nice.”
“Most new furs are. Until provoked. Then they turn out to be…’different’” Pamela said, shaking her head.
“I should at least give her a chance. Who knows, I may even get some tail if I say hello to her.”
“I don’t think Satan would like that.” Skittles said.
“Wouldn’t like what?” Satan bellowed from behind them. They turned around and watched as the Dark Overlord eyed them up suspiciously.
“Just idle chatter.” GreenPaw said and turned back to look at GreenFur.
“GreenPaw is planning on asking a homeless fur to the make-out party.” Pamela lied.
“What?” GreenPaw asked, jerking his head around.
“It isn’t Crazy Alice is it?” Satan asked, shaking his head. GreenPaw sighed and rolled his eyes. “He knows about the loaf of bread, doesn’t he?”
“And the spare change.” Pamela said.
“Come on guys, seriously. I’m not making out with a homeless fur!” GreenPaw said.
“Yeah. He’s going to ask the new minion to the party!” Skittles interjected. Satan looked up at GreenFur and back to his minions, his eyes glowing red.
“Hey Skittles! I don’t want to hear that kind of talk coming from my minions! Not even as a joke!” He yelled and the three looked at the floor. “GreenPaw will be taking a homeless fur to the party and that’s that! Everyfur knows that befriending new furs leads to bad reputations! Now Let’s go and get this important meeting you two have been hinting at since I got back from Greece out of the way! And GreenPaw, get out there and get me some souls! And stay away from that newbie too!”
GreenPaw walked around the corner and towards the carpark and stopped when he saw GreenFur kneeling on the ground, busily bolting a tyre to her jacked-up British racing green-coloured Triumph convertible. He watched her for several seconds, almost in a trance, and then walked up towards her, his hands deep in his pockets.
“Hi there,” he said quietly.
“Hello.” GreenFur replied, her paws twirling the knock-off wrench. She paused and looked up at the green and yellow zombie Coyote standing next to her. There was an uncomfortable pause.
“Whatcha doin’?” GreenPaw asked, kicking at the ground.
“Someone slashed my tyre.” GreenFur said.
“Gee. That’s tough.” GreenPaw said. “I did it.”
“What?” she exclaimed, dropping the wrench. It clattered on the gravel and she turned to stare at the Coyote. “Why would you do that?”
Greenpaw shrugged. “I have a good excuse. Peer pressure.”
“Who put you up to it?” GreenFur demanded.
“No one. Sorry.” GreenPaw shrugged again. “Here, let me help you with that.” He bent down to pick up the wrench and she did at the same time. Their paws brushed against each others and they both giggled and looked into each other’s eyes.
“My name’s..”
“GreenPaw. I remember.” She smiled again and GreenPaw handed her the wrench.
“I like your wheels. Vintage?” GreenPaw asked, standing back up.
“I like ‘em older. Older and green…” GreenFur replied and GP blushed a little and walked around the car.
“You know what would really make her hum? Pop out the block, stick in a Peugeot 206, six-speed gearbox, turbocharger. Hell, even throw on some fender flares and functional rear wing. You know where’d you feel all that raw power? Right between your legs…”
GreenFur had watched him as he talked and was intrigued by him. She was about to say how impressed she was by his knowledge of automobiles but a sudden loud squeal interrupted the moment and the two looked across the parking lot to see Satan’s black Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible screech to a stop a few metres away from them. Satan was driving while Skittles and Pamela were sitting in the back. Satan cut the engine and the trio looked at the two green and yellow Coyotes with accusing eyes.
“What’s going on here, GreenPaw?” Satan asked, his voice low and demanding. GreenPaw shuffled his feet uneasily and quickly pulled out a switchblade knife he had hidden in his pocket.
“Just…uh…slashing the new meat’s tyres!” he called out and quickly jammed the knife into the front tyre that GreenFur had just changed. It deflated and she watched in wide-eyed astonishment.
“Way to go, GreenPaw!” Skittles yelled and he gave a thumbs-up.
“Yeah. Hey GreenPaw, we’re going into towne so these two can buy me dinner. Then we’re going over to my place to take a shower. Why don’t you join us there when you’re done?”
“Yeah, maybe. Just let me finish teaching this punk a lesson first!” GreenPaw smiled at the trio and then turned back to GreenFur. “I don’t mean any of this, really.” He took the wrench from her paw and smashed the side door glass and then whacked the windscreen several times, cracking the glass. GreenFur stared in silent horror and remained speechless.
GreenPaw then smacked the side door and fender, denting the metal.
“I like you a lot!” he told her over the sound of the banging. He smashed out the headlamps and then tossed the wrench at her feet. “I really do like you. Call me!” And with that, GreenPaw took off and ran down the street. GreenFur just stood and stared in complete disbelief at her battered car.
The high-end restaurant was almost completely filled with dining patrons. Satan, Skittles, and Pamela were seated at a wide table near the centre of the dining area, where Satan was busy ripping apart the breadsticks that were stacked in a small wicker basket. He looked around the fancy interior and grabbed another breadstick and started to pull it apart.
“This is a really fancy place. It’s about time you two minions started treating me with a little respect.” Satan said, chewing on a piece of bread.
“It really doesn’t have anything to do with respect.” Pamela said flatly.
“Yeah. We just wanted to bring you somewhere nice so you wouldn’t make a scene.” Skittles added.
“Yeah, okay.” Satan mumbled and took another bite.
“Satan, we brought you here today because we need to talk to you about something.” Pamela started.
“Okay, what’s up?”
“It’s kind of disturbing.” Skittles said, his voice lowering. Satan stopped fiddling with the bread and looked at the two minions, his head lowering and his eyes widening.
“You didn’t get your sister pregnant did you?” he asked. Pamela and Skittles exchanged disgusted and disturbed looks and stared back at Satan.
“What?” Skittles asked.
“No that’s disgusting.” Pamela said, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah it is.” Satan replied. “Stay away from that sort of thing. No good can come from getting a sibling knocked up. Trust me.”
“That’s not what we’re here to discuss.” Skittles said, obviously shocked.
“It better not be!” Satan exclaimed, picking up another breadstick. “I don’t want any retarded minions running around Hell!”
“I didn’t get my sister pregnant!” Skittles gasped, his voice trying to remain calm.
“Holy shit!” a female voice came from behind their table. They all looked up as Skittles and Pamela’s mum walked up to the empty chair and stared at the three in abhorred repulsion. “What the hell am I walking into here? You two aren’t having pups together are you?”
“No, mum.” Pamela said, hiding her face in her paws.
“What the hell is she doing here?” Satan asked, throwing his bread on the table.
“Could you please just sit down, mom. Please.” Skittles asked
“I’m not getting pulled into any perverted sex talk with you three.” Anne said, gripping the back of the empty chair.
“It’s not perverted!” Skittles exclaimed.
“Knocking up your sister is perverted, Skittles!” Satan replied.
“I didn’t knock up my sister!” Skittles yelled and the entire restaurant grew quiet, the other patrons looking in their direction with curious eyes. Skittles and Pamela both hid their faces and their mother shifted her weight uncomfortably. After a few moments, the classical music started up again and the other guests went back to their meals.
“Could you please sit down?” Pamela asked from behind her paws.
“This is why I wanted…to come somewhere nice…to avoid something like this…” Skittles said quietly. Anne sighed and at down next to Satan, who took another breadstick and started to chomp away.
“Hello Satan.” she said coolly.
“Anne.” Satan replied, glancing at her. “Your face looks like a moccasin.”
“You have turned into a retarded fur.” Anne replied.
“You’re a retard!” Satan shot back.
“Guys, guys. Can we please use some adult language? Just for a little bit?” Pamela asked.
“Look, we invited the two of you out today because we want to talk to you about something important.” Skittles began.
“There’s this fur. His name is Adam. He’s been sending us emails and pictures. He claims he is our real father. Is there a chance he could be?” Pamela asked.
“Not at all.” Satan said quickly.
“That depends. Which Adam?” Anne asked. Satan looked over at her, his mouth dropping open. “Adam…Foxburg?”
“Yeah…” the two minions said in uneasy unison.
“Then yes.” Anne answered.
“Yes, there is a chance he could be our real father?” Skittles asked, his eyes widening a little.
“No. Yes he ‘is’ your father. The both of you.”
“What?!” Satan, Skittles, and Pamela all asked at the same time.
“Do we really have to get into this right now?” she asked, filling up her glass from the wine bottle.
“Umm, yeah…” Skittles said.
“Yeah, this is kind of important to us.” Pamela added.
“How many furs have you been banging?” Satan asked, his mouth still hanging open.
“Fine, fine!” she caved in and took a long drink. “I met Adam years ago when I was travelling across Sweden. We had a night of unbridled passion and then the next day I met a butcher from Nebraska that was on vacation in Stockholm. He bought me a deli sandwich and next thing I knew I was back in the States. A few months later you two were born and since Adam didn’t have any money and was still living in Sweden, I just kept quiet and stayed in Nebraska, where I separated the two of you and dropped you off with different fathers. End of story.” Anne smiled and took another drink. Again, the three looked at her in shocked astonishment.
“End of story?” Skittles asked, his voice unbelieving.
“You mean we’re twins?” Pamela asked, and looked at her brother.
“You whore!” Satan bellowed. “Now I find out that you cruised across Sweden, selling your body and making pups! I can’t believe it!”
“What difference does that make? It’s not like you raised them!” Anne yelled back.
“You whore! I can’t believe that I have these two bastards working in Hell for me!” Satan jumped up from his chair and threw his arms in the air.
“I can’t believe that we’re actually twins.” Pamela said again.
“How could you not know? I mean you two look exactly alike.” Anne replied.
“This is so shocking! How many furs have you been with?” Satan asked.
“Calm down, Satan. This really has nothing to do with you. So don’t make a scene!” Anne snapped.
“Oh, don’t make a scene!” Satan yelled and walked around the table. “Don’t draw any attention!” He continued to rant and the restaurant grew quiet again. He went to the next table where an upper-class Great Dane couple were dining. He grabbed the male by the shirt sleeve and pointed over towards the minions’ table.
“Did you bang my minions whore mum?” Satan asked loudly and the Dane shook his head. “Did you nail her and have any pups I need to know about? How about you?’ He jumped over to the next table and asked the couple sitting there.
“Goddamn it, Satan!” Anne yelled, this time hiding her face. Skittles and Pamela followed suit.
“Goddamn it Satan!” Satan mocked. “Goddamn it, ’Satan!’” he ran around the restaurant as everyone’s eyes followed him. His face became redder as his anger grew and he started to thrash his arms around wildly. “This is such an outrage! Somebody’s gotta get stabbed!” He grabbed a steak knife off a nearby table and charged towards Anne. Unfortunately he caught the edge of a linen tablecloth and tripped. He fell to the floor and landed on the steak knife. Everyfur watched with wide eyes and Anne shook her head. Skittles and Pamela looked in disbelief from the unmoving form of Satan to their mum and back again.
“Let’s get out of here.” Anne said, standing up.
“Yeah.” Skittles agreed and the three stood up and quickly left the restaurant while the other patrons continued to stare and murmur and point at the unmoving form on the floor.
The tavern was empty and GreenPaw was behind the bar, mixing a drink and thinking about the new minion, GreenFur. He had just finished pouring some clear liquid from a brown glass bottle into his glass when the front door opened and GreenFur walked in, looking sullen. GreenPaw perked up and took a quick drink, his nerves beginning to act up and his stomach began to flutter.
“GreenFur! What are you doing here?” He asked, and took another quick drink. “Oh, and how’s your car?”
“They have to replace the windscreen and the fender.” she said quietly. GreenPaw shook his head and made a clucking sound.
“Those glass and body furs will screw you every time. Tell ya what. I have a friend who’s dad is a mechanic. He’ll hook you up. Tell him you’re a friend of mine.”
“Am I friend of yours?’ she asked, looking over at him.
“Of course you are! Would you like a drink? I just mixed up a fresh batch?”
“What’s in it?”
“Some Coke. A little bit of Captain Morgan. Mostly embalming fluid. Can you believe the morgues hog all this stuff for there own personal use?”
“You’re drinking embalming fluid?”
“There’s Coke in here too!”
“I’ll pass. But I’m kinda glad I ran into you here. I needed to talk to somefur and you’re the only one around here who doesn’t hate me.”
“Of course you can talk to me!” GreenPaw exclaimed and he leaned over the bar, looking at her. “Shove your words into my ears.”
“I’m thinking about leaving England…” GreenFur said slowly.
“What? Why?”
“I just don’t fit in here. I mean I know I should give it more than a day, but aside from you, no other furs have even acknowledged my existence. Plus I wasn’t even able to get a single soul today.”
“Yeah I wouldn’t really worry about the soul-gathering too much. That hook kinda faded away as this story series progressed. But you can’t leave already! You have to give this a shot! What would your parents think if you told them you quit being a minion only after one day?”
“That’s just it. I don’t know my real parents. I have no idea who my mother is and from what genetics was able to tell me my father was a zombified Coyote from Sweden with green and yellow fur and limited mental capabilities.” GreenFur looked down at her paws and sighed loudly.
“He sounds like quite the chap.” GreenPaw replied and looked off into space, trying hard to seem interested in GreenFur’s story.
“This is the only thing I have to remember my father by.” She reached around her neck and removed a silver necklace with a patch of green and yellow fur tied to it and laid it on the counter. “I was told this was on me when I was discovered in an empty gin box. I want you to have it.”
“Wow. It’s a patch of fur. Thank you GreenFur.” GreenPaw picked up the necklace and looked at it, unsure of what to do with it.
“It’s the least I could do. You being so understanding and everything…” Their eyes met again and GreenPaw looked away shyly and then stuttered.
“Hey…umm…GreenFur…I was wondering…maybe if you weren’t doing anything this Friday…if you’d…you’d like to go with me to the Warrington Make-out Faire.” He looked at the floor nervously but was quite relieved to finally have the question out in the air.
“You’d actually want me to go with you?” she asked nervously.
“Well it’s either you or this homeless fur. And I don’t really feel like having to hose my date down before I get a little action. If you know what I mean.”
“Those homeless really do need to bathe more often.” GreenFur snickered.
“You would think living outside and being in the public eye all the time would make hygiene their top priority.”
“Maybe after the make-out party we could drive by and throw bars of soap at them!”
“So that means you’ll go with me?”
“Of course!”
“This is great! If my breath didn’t smell like a coffin I’d kiss you right now!” Greenpaw said, his eyes brightening and a smile crossing his muzzle.
“It’s okay. I made out with a corpse before. Once you get past the beef jerky-like feeling it’s not so bad.”
“You made out with a corpse? You are one kinky girl!” GreenPaw shyly walked over and leaned in to give the minion a kiss. “Now I like you even more!”
“And I like you too, Daddy…” GreenFur replied and she stopped when she realised what she had said. GreenPaw also stopped just millimetres from her lips and looked at her with a puzzled look.
“Excuse me?” he asked.
“Oh. Oh my. Sorry. I didn’t mean…we were talking about my parents before and I was thinking of them and…I didn’t mean too…” She blushed and looked away and GreenPaw took a few steps backwards, clearly freaked out.
“That’s kinda disturbing.”
“I’m sorry. Does this mean we can’t go to the make-out party together?”
“No, no. We’ll still be going to that. The Green Pole hasn’t seen any action for a while and I have to take what I can get! But I should get us some more to drink. Can you give me a paw?”
GreenFur nodded and the two walked around the bar to the door that led to the basement. GreenPaw went downstairs to retrieve some more alcohol while GreenFur watched from the top of the stairs. He returned a few minutes later with a variety of bottles and he smiled at her.
“I’ll mix you up a special drink to celebrate our new friendship!” he said.
“Sounds good. What are you going to be mixing? It’s not going to be embalming fluid will it?”
“How can a fur that banged a corpse not like embalming fluid?”
“Made out. Not banged. Haven’t gone that far yet.”
“Oh I am so going to tear you up this Friday!” GreenPaw exclaimed, his eagerness returning. “But for now let’s get really drunk and practice things we can do with our tongues!” He started to walk back towards the front when the door banged open again and Satan came strolling in.
“GreenPaw! Is your useless ass in here?” he bellowed.
“Shit!” GreenPaw barked and turned back to GreenFur. “It’s Satan! We can’t let him see us together! Quick, hide!” And before GreenFur could respond, GreenPaw shoved her inside the basement door where she stumbled on the weak wooden steps and tumbled down to the stone floor below. GreenPaw cringed and quickly slammed the door just as Satan walked around the bar.
“What the hell are you doing back here?” Satan asked, his eyes narrowing.
“Just getting some liquor to make up some drinks!” GreenPaw replied, trying not to look nervous. “What the hell happened to you?” He pointed to Satan’s chest where a large white bandage was wrapped across the red fur.
“Oh I fell on a steak knife.”
“Okay… do you want a drink?”
“Sure. I need to get nice and drunk so that I can handle Skittles mum. We’re going to the make-out faire together. Which reminds me. Who are you taking?”
“Oh, I’ve got some fur in mind…” GreenPaw said and started to mix up another batch of drinks.
“It’s not that new minion that’s been slinking around, is it?” Satan demanded. “Because I’ve been hearing a rumour that you two have a cosy little friendship going.”
“What!? How did you hear about that?” GreenPaw exclaimed, almost spilling some liquid.
“I’m not going to say. I’m not a tell-all like Skittles; who told me all about you and that newbie.”
“Well it’s not true!”
“Well then who are you taking to the make-out party?” GreenPaw’s eyes darted around the empty tavern, frantically trying to come up with an excuse to give Beelzebub. He looked out the window and happened upon Crazy Alice poking amongst the rubbish bins.
“Crazy Alice!” he exclaimed and pointed. Satan looked just as Crazy Alice, a ragged and destitute-looking Feline, glanced in the window, an empty soup tin stuck on her frazzled muzzle. Satan looked back at GreenPaw and then back to Crazy Alice, who was now licking the window.
“So you’re not taking the new fur?” he asked, still hesitant.
“GreenFur? No way. She’s not like us at all! She’s new!” Greenpaw shook his head and laughed uneasily as he poured two pints.
“Quite good then.” Satan replied and downed the pint quickly. “Well I’m off to snag Skittles’ mum. We’ve got a lot of practicing to do if we plan on beating Skittles and Pamela on Friday in the necking and groping challenge.”
“Are we the only ones that aren’t disturbed by their relationship? I mean all that incest and shit between brother and sister just seems perverted.”
“What’s even more perverted is that they are actually twins! How’s that for a twist?”
“What the hell’s the matter with you? They look exactly alike! It’s so obvious they are twins! You’d have to be a complete moron not to realise when you’re banging a close relation!”
“We’ll see who’ll be banging relations this Friday! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go tend to that whore mum of those perverted twins.”
“Make sure she screams out my name!” GreenPaw called after Satan and quickly downed his pint. He watched as Satan left and he quickly darted back to the basement door and threw it open.
“GreenFur! Are you alright?” he called down the stairs.
“I think so.” she answered meekly. “These boxes of used syringes and barrels of medical waste broke my fall…”
“Oh good. I guess it was a good thing I raided the Dumpster behind DarkPlaces Hospital last week. Do you know they just toss that stuff out like it’s garbage? And they put it in a bright red bin so it’s easy to find! Talk about convenience!”
“GreenPaw,” GreenFur said, looking up at him. Her voice had become serious and softer. “Is it true what I heard you telling Satan?”
“Well…umm…” GreenPaw stuttered, looking embarrassed. “Look. I’m sorry, GreenFur. I really want to take you to the make-out party. But if everyfur in town sees me with the new minion…well…I just can’t be a new character again. It’s so hard doing the wrong thing the right way. So, I’m sorry. We can’t go to the make-out party together. I have to think of what’s best for me here.” He offered her a sympathetic smile and she looked away, not saying anything for a few moments.
“I guess that means I should go then,” she finally spoke, her voice quivering as she struggled to hold back tears. She stood up and started towards the staircase; GreenPaw watching her.
“Hey GreenFur…” GreenPaw started.
“Yes?” she asked, looking at him again.
“Could you be a dear and clean up the mess you made down there? I have to go and lasso Crazy Alice and give her some cheese so that way I can prep her for Friday. Thanks a bunch!” And before GreenFur could respond, he slammed the door shut and grabbed a length of rope that was hanging from a hook and went outside.
Friday night arrived and the town was alight with the soft romantic glow of mood-lighting set around the centre square. Various couches, beds, benches, and automobiles were set up along the streets and lawns as every single fur in the entire town of Warrington was busy making out and groping their respective partners. Soft music played from overhead speakers strung about and a large table of various food and drink aphrodisiacs was spread out. Beside the table, on a large pleated sofa, sat GreenPaw and Crazy Alice. GreenPaw was holding his paws together and staring at the ground while Crazy Alice noisily slurped away at a plate of oysters. She finished another shellfish and tossed the shell away and looked at her make-out date, oyster slime dripping down her maw.
“I’m gonna go ‘it the crapper!” she belched and wiped her muzzle with her grubby sleeve. “When I get back you betta be ‘ere! And get me some more food, wouldya? Then I’ll give you some frisky feline lovin’!”
“Lovely,” GreenPaw replied, unenthusiastically. He watched her wobbly away (It turned out she had a wooden leg as well) and he sighed sadly. Skittles and Pamela walked over, arm in arm, and looked at the lonesome fur.
“What’s wrong, GP?” Skittles asked. “Not getting any pussy tonight?”
“Is it true you had to sedate her just to get her into your car?” Pamela asked.
“I used a cattle prod too. But what does it matter? All she’s doing is eating. And stinking. I should have come with GreenFur. At least I would have seen a little bit of action.”
“Yeah, you should have. You and her would have made a great couple. Just like me and sis here!”
“Yeah, that’s disgusting. And you guys being twins makes it even more disturbing now.”
“So why didn’t you ask GreenFur to the make-out party?” Pamela asked.
“Because everyone hated her because she was new! And if I would be seen with her then everyfur would hate me again as well!”
“Well we kinda still do hate you…” Skittles said.
“Yeah, you still are quite the asshole.” Pamela added.
“Well at least I’m not banging my sister!” GreenPaw shot back.
“You’re not banging anyfur by the look of things!” Pamela shot back.
“Bang” Skittles said, pointing at his twin sister. “And bang!” he pointed at GreenPaw. “That was a very sexy retort, Sis! Let’s go find a backseat and see what other nastiness can come out of that mouth!”
“I hope you two get herpes!” GreenPaw yelled after them as they darted away. “Sick freaks! Banging family members! How perverted is that?”
“GreenPaw?” a quiet voice called to him. He turned at saw GreenFur standing a few metres behind him, staring at him sheepishly.
“GreenFur!” he said excitedly. “I thought you left for Sweden! I haven’t seen you since the other night!”
“You uh…locked the basement door when you closed it the other night. I couldn’t get out. I knocked and yelled but nobody heard me. Finally one of Crazy Alice’s friends broke into your tavern and eventually left me out. And he stole all of your needles. And two pints of embalming fluid…”
“Son of a bitch!” GreenPaw yelled. “Here I thought all that knocking was just Crazy Alice trying to break out of that trunk I stuffed her into…”
“How is your night with her going anyhow?”
“She’s eaten a lot of oysters but I still haven’t even gotten to first base. What about you? Why are you here?”
“I’m just looking for somefur to make out with.” She smiled and blushed and GreenPaw did the same.
“Well…why couldn’t that fur…be me?”
“What about Crazy Alice?”
“Let her choke on a shell. Or her own vomit. I don’t care. You’re the one I should have come here with in the first place.” He took her paws in his and they both smiled.
“What about me being new?” she asked hesitantly.
“I was new once too. And you know what I did?” GreenFur shook her head. “I banged half the furs and backstabbed and cheated the other half in this town until they all accepted me by hating my guts. And that’s the only true way to be accepted.”
“That’s so wise.” GreenFur said and stepped closer to GP. “You can teach me so much. Do you want to go make out?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” GreenPaw answered and they started to walk towards GreenPaw’s nearby parked Citroen.
“No!” screamed a shrill and raspy voice from behind them. They both stopped and turned to see Crazy Alice standing near the food table, a length of crusty French bread in her paws.
“Hey! That new fur is trying to steal GreenPaw away from Crazy Alice!” Satan yelled
“Get her!” yelled Anne, who was trying to smooth out her fur from her and Satan’s heavy make-out session. Before either could react, Crazy Alice ran up to GreenFur and smacked her across the top of her head with the loaf. The bread broke apart in thousands of pieces and GreenFur just stood there, stupefied and a tad scared. Greenpaw had backed away from her a few steps and was frantically looking around.
“Get her! Club her!” \Satan bellowed and a large group of furs gathered around the three, eager to get a piece of the new fur. Crazy Alice let out a crazy-sounding yelp and lunged towards GreenFur, but was stopped suddenly when GP smacked her on the back of the skull with a ceramic bowl of oysters. She fell to the ground and all the furs looked at GreenPaw.
“I’ve got something to say!” GreenPaw yelled and all eyes were suddenly on him as the crowd hushed. He stepped over Crazy Alice and walked over towards GreenFur.
“I’ve learned something tonight. And I have to ask. Is it so wrong to be different? And is it so different to be new? Now I’m not saying that being new isn’t a horrible thing…of course it is. But in these trying times we must remember that the small green stem grows up to be a mighty old oak. Which in turn we chop down…to make the new axe handles…to chop down our mighty old oaks. And that’s the important thing. Thank you.” The crowd remained quiet and looked at each other with puzzled looks.
“That was beautiful, GreenPaw.” Pamela said.
“I hereby declare GreenPaw and GreenFur the king and queen of this year’s Make-Out Faire!Fit them with their crowns!” Satan said and the townfurs all began to applaud. Skittles walked over with two plastic crowns and placed them on each of their heads.
“Now let’s watch the lucky couple as they consummate their honour by going at it front of all of us!” Satan said and another round of applause followed.
“Uh…no.” green paw said quickly. “All of you can piss off! We’re out of here!” He turned and held his paw out to GreenFur. “GreenFur?” he asked gently and she smiled and took his paw and they walked past the crowd together.
“What about letting us all have a turn with the new fur?” Skittles asked, standing next to Satan, his mother, and his sister.
“Hey! You’re here with me!” Pamela scolded.
“Screw all of you!” GreenPaw shouted over his shoulder and he flipped the entire crowd off.
“What a jerk!” Pamela said.
“Yeah, but he’s going to be a happy jerk in a few minutes. He’s so gonna tap that ass!” Satan said.
“Yeah. The lucky bastard.” Skittles said, and they all shook their heads and went back to making out.
GreenPaw parked the Citroen in an empty spot in a row of automobiles that were overlooking the town square. He cut the engine and the two minions sat in silence for a few moments, admiring the star-filled sky above and hearing the faint romance music wafting through the open windows.
“Thanks for sticking up for me back there,” GreenFur finally spoke and looked at him.
“Yeah, that was nothing.” GreenPaw replied and in the blink of an eye they were kissing. Everything else was forgotten as they explored each other’s mouths with there tongues and their paws explored each others bodies. The kissing became more involved and soon the two furs were panting and squirming as they both struggled to breath and also give and receive pleasure. Finally, Greenpaw broke the deep kiss and sucked in a long breath. GreenFur scooted closer to him, also sucking in air and panting heavily.
“I couldn’t help but notice…” she panted, and pointed to the centre of his forehead where a dark hole was still visible through the fur.
“Oh yeah. I took a bullet through my head about twenty-some years ago while still living in Stockholm. Hey, maybe I should fill it in with this!” He lifted up the necklace she had given him earlier and removed the tuft of fur. He stuck it into the hole and admired his handiwork in the mirror. “Wow. It fits perfectly.”
“GreenPaw,” GreenFur said quietly as she watched him fiddle around with the tuft of fur. “Remember how I told you I never met my real parents?”
“Yeah. That’s too bad…” GreenPaw looked around the car and out the window, eager to stop talking and get back to making out.
“I think…I think maybe I just met my father…”
GreenPaw stopped looking around and stared at GreenFur. His mouth dropped open and the tuft of fur he had stuck in his forehead fell out and landed on the seat.
“Oh boy…” he said hesitantly. GreenFur’s eyes widened at the realisation.
“Why Dad, why?” she asked.
“You have to understand GreenFur. I was really crazy when I was younger. And then I was killed and came back as a Zombie and did even crazier shit. I did things I wouldn’t force on a horse. And that includes things I forced on a horse.” He offered her an apologetic smile.
“So you just gave me away?” she asked, her emotions bungling together in a mass of confusion. There was a trace of tears at the corners of her eyes.
“No, no! Never!” GreenPaw took her paws in his and squeezed them. “I traded you for a PlayStation system. And for all these years I’ve wondered…what happened to that PlayStation?”
“Well do you even know who my real mother is?” GreenFur asked, trying to grasp what GP was telling her.
“Of course I do!” GreenPaw smiled and then his eyes went blank. “Let me see. Sweden. Sweden…” He snapped his fingers and his smile returned. “It was either this overweight IKEA cashier with a fierce overbite…or a Finn. Yeah, I’m pretty sure she was from Finland. They’re as thick as flies up there. But that’s not important right now. What matters is that we’re here, together again.” He put his arm around her shoulders and she gently pulled back.
“You can’t just walk back into my life and start being my father.” she said sternly.
“Well maybe I could be your friend.” GreenPaw offered.
“That’d have been nice. But I’m leaving tomorrow to go back to Sweden.”
“What! No! I won’t let you leave again! Not now!”
“But I have to go. The writer only commissioned me for this one story so far.”
“Okay.” GreenPaw shrugged. “I guess it’s what best seeing as I don’t have any parental instincts or actual means of supporting you…”
GreenFur smiled and opened the side door and slid away from her father. GreenPaw looked at her with a puzzled look and reached out his paw to her.
“Well, goodbye Dad.” she said and gave him a quick wave.
“Wait! You’re leaving now? Can’t we still have sex?” He jumped out of the other door and ran around the car, watching as she walked off into the darkness. “GreenFur!” She disappeared and he hit the bonnet of the car in frustration.
“Damn it!” He looked around and then his eyes brightened and he jumped back into the car. “I hope Crazy Alice is still alive! The Green Pole’s throbbin’!” And he backed out and hurried back down to the faire.
GreenPaw walked into the tavern just as dawn was beginning to break over the countryside. He forced himself across the floor and was startled to see the rest of the gang propped up against the bar, downing early-morning pints.
“Well there’s the lucky son-of-a-bitch who scored with his own daughter!” Satan bellowed cheerfully and let out a loud chortle.
“What?! You knew?” GreenPaw exclaimed as he poured himself a tall pint.
“We all knew you idiot!” Skittles mum said. “I mean holy shit she looked exactly like you except for the breasts and nicer ass.”
“Yeah really. You can’t be that stupid.” Pamela chimed in.
“Well, why didn’t any of you tell me?” GreenPaw demanded.
“Because we wanted to see how perverted you really could be.” Satan answered.
“Yeah, I may be sleeping with my sister, but you nailed your own DAUGHTER!” Skittles said smugly. “Now who’s more perverted?”
“The joke’s on you losers. I only got to second base with her. Skittles got his own sister knocked up. Who’s perverted now?”
“You mean you’re that lame that you couldn’t even bag your own daughter? You’re slipping GreenPaw.” Satan said.
“You guys are a bunch of idiots. I’m not slipping at all. In fact I’ll have you know that I got hot lovin’ all night long.” GreenPaw took a long drink from his glass and let out a satisfied sigh.
“That’s right. He banged a toothless homeless fur. That’s so much better.” Pamela said.
“Yeah I would have stayed with your daughter. No good can come from banging a homeless fur. Especially one without teeth.” Anne added.
“So you’re saying it would have been alright for me to nail GreenFur?” GP asked.
“Well yeah. Who the hell wants to be known around town as the fur that bangs the homeless. What kind of reputation is that?” Satan asked.
“Son of a bitch!” GreenPaw cursed and he finished the last of his pint and got another.
Lessons learned indeed…
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Sorry for having to post my writings this way, but the stupid site won't except Microsoft Word wps files yet and I can't get anything else to load in the other formats...so i have to keep fiddling I guess.
Anyways, this is the first new 'The Hell' story for the completely unnecessary Second Helping. In this story, a new minion is introduced to the group and GreenPaw has to find a way to befriend her without letting the others know he is talking to the new fur.
Meanwhile, Skittles and his sister have some disturbing news for Satan.
I hope you enjoy and sorry for being away for a couple of weeks...i had some eye surgery and couldn't see for a few days. (Fancy that) But i'm back in tip-top shape and ready to resume writing!
As always, the character of GreenPaw is copywrited to Shadow-SwiftPaw and used with her permission.
Duncan Skittles, Satan, Pamela, Anne, and GreenFur are my creations and talk to me in the dark and tell me to do awful things to butterflies.
Enjoy!
Adrik
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Canine (Other)
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