53-24-107. (1) A person who appears to be intoxicated in public does not commit a criminal offense solely by reason of being in an intoxicated condition but may be detained by a peace officer for the person's own protection. 53-24-303. A person who appears to be intoxicated in a public place and to be in need of help may be assisted to the person's home, an approved private treatment facility, or other health care facility by the police.

So far, this hadn’t been a bad night. Most Fridays were hectic: bar fights, house parties, drunk driving, vandalism, you name it. There was just something about the impending weekend that made people want to act wild. And unfortunately for cops all over the world, when people get wild, they also tend to get stupid.

Luckily for Cro, tonight was seeming to be an exception to that rule. With only a few hours until the bars closed down, all he had fielded were a handful of noise complaints and a warning to three frat boys to get their open containers off the street.

Yessir, it was shaping up to be a very quiet night. Not that Cro would ever utter that word aloud, it was notoriously bad luck to even say the ‘Q’ word while on-duty. He was certainly thinking it though.

The only regret he had was in having to work on a friend’s birthday. About the time he left the restaurant, Rob and Chinook were taking turns ordering and sharing the strangest cocktails on the menu, while Ash and Tori were trying their damndest to convince Tulip to forget the wine and try a few shots of hard liquor. Between the great company and the bottomless appetizers, it was almost enough to make up for the injustice of having to go without throwing back so much as a single pint.

Come to think of it, he really hoped they’d made it home alright. Maybe he ought to swing by and see if they were still there?

Pulling up to a red light, Cro shifted into park and reached for the maple bar sitting in the center console. But before he could sink his teeth into the pastry, he noticed something moving in the cross-street to his right. Or, to be more precise, SOMEONE moving in the cross-street. A taller figure, staggering from side to side, and walking right down the center line.

Dropping his snack back into the bag, Cro pulled out into the roadway and drove slowly towards the pedestrian. He couldn’t help but groan aloud when he got a better look. The blue scales, the wings, that dress, he’d recognize her anywhere.

Tulip was stumbling along, her arms swinging along in time with her steps. And sure enough, clinging to her tail like a water-skier... was Rob.

Well, so much for moderation.

He snatched up the radio and keyed the mic. "Gallatin Sheriff, this is 647."

"Go ahead 47."

"Be out on foot traffic with two individuals at the six hundred block of South Nineteenth. One female, draconic. Other a male canine, copy?"

"10-4 out on South Nineteenth at 2340."

Careful to give them a wide berth lest Tulip stumble right into his bumper,

Cro pulled up beside the pair and activated the overhead lights. They both froze in place, and Rob turned towards the blue flashes with a wide grin.

"Lookit, Tulip! Ish Cro, an' he brought disco lights!"

Cro stepped out of the car and approached. Rob and Tulip made an attempt to stand up straight, snickering and shushing each other. Tulip sported a wide, goofy smile, and Rob was leaning heavily against her as if his feet were about to give way.

"Hey you two! Why don’t you come over here off the street and talk to me," Cro asked.

The pair bumbled their way over, with Rob bonking right into the hood of the car and Tulip nearly face-planting when one of her heels snagged on the curb. Cro reached out and grabbed hold of both the dragon’s arms to steady her, and that was when Rob came barreling up onto the sidewalk and ran directly into Tulip’s posterior. The sudden jolt caused Tulip to lurch forward, her bust nailing Cro right in the forehead. The end result was both dogs toppling onto their backs while Tulip looked back and forth in confusion.

“Heeeeey, where’d e’rybody go?”

Pushing himself to a sitting position, Cro clutched his head and tried to shake the cobwebs out. That was… really something else. Just about the best damn sucker punch he’d ever been nailed with, that was for sure. He was also rather glad the dashcam wasn’t rolling; last thing he wanted was for the rest of the precinct to see him getting blindsided by breasts.

Climbing back to his feet, he offered Rob a hand up. “What are you two doing?”

"Jus goin forra walk," Rob slurred. He tried grabbing Cro’s hand, missed. Tried again. His arms were waving in all directions, making it impossible to actually get a grip. Finally, Cro settled for grabbing the collar of his shirt and hoisting him to his feet. "Y'know, cuz issa nice night an all. Not drinking. Drunken. Us. Nooooo."

He wrinkled his nose at the strong smell of alcohol from Rob’s breath. "Rob… I was there when you started drinking, remember?”

“Yeeeeeeeeep, but ya… ya weren’t dere when we stahped drinkin’, were ya? So ya can’t prove ‘nything!”

Right," Cro said with a sigh. "So why are you way out here then?"

"We're *hic* we're jus walking to our… our frien’s house ossifer," Tulip chimed in. Apparently she didn’t recognize him at all in her current state. “His name iz Crosis…is. Crosissis. You probably work withum.”

"Uh huh. You guys realize that his house is on the other side of town..."

"S'what, we kin handle a lil’ hike," Rob said.

“You’re walking right in the middle of the road…”

“The si’walk is too bumpy!”

"And you're going the wrong direction," Cro finished.

Tulip giggled. "We're uh... takin' the scenic route! But we know ‘xactly where ta go."

“Oooookay, and which way is his house then?”

Rob gasped. “Didja forget where ya lived, Cro?”

“I… no! Just… just humor me, okay?”

Rob nodded. “Okie dokey, it’s just… that way.”

Cro looked in the direction he was pointing and groaned. “Rob, up in the sky?”

“Uh huh! Cuz ya know, Cros live in nests, right? Caw, caw, caw!” Rob looked extremely pleased with his own brand of logic, making Tulip burst into another round of giggles.

“We suuuuuure do,” Cro said. Stepping behind them and placing a hand on either back, he began carefully steering them towards his cruiser. “Tell you what, how about I give you a ride there now?”

Rob's eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store. "So we get'ta ride in a real p'lice car? I rode in onna those once, cept' it was on a roundabout inna mall, and the steerin' wheel din't work, and there wazzant any sirerns..."

“S’true!” Tulip looked back at him with a serious expression. “I’fact, he waz so sad, I hadda buy ‘im a cooky ta cheer ‘im up!”

It figured. Only Rob would be so excited about taking a ride in the back of a police car. And to be honest, Cro couldn’t blame that on the alcohol. Rob would probably have reacted the same way regardless.

Chuckling to himself, he unlocked the rear door and opened it, allowing Rob to scramble in. But while getting him into the car was easy enough, buckling him in was another matter entirely, with the smaller canine bouncing from seat to seat.

“Rob… urgh… hold still already,” he growled, trying to keep his friend still while he fumbled with the seatbelt. Dammit, why did the little guy have to be so hyper when drunk?

With a great deal of effort, Cro managed to buckle the squirming little bugger in. Stepping back from the car, he turned to his remaining passenger.

“Alright, Tulip. Ready to go? Afraid you might have to slouch a little back there,” he said with an apologetic smile.

Tulip looked down her nose at him, and Cro’s relief evaporated. He knew what that obstinate stare meant.

“I’m not getting’ in dere,” she said. Crossing her arms, she backed away from the cruiser.

Oh great. Surly drunks were one thing, but an eight-foot tall, pouting dragoness?

“Why not? I’m just giving you and Rob a ride home.”

Tulip shook her head. “I dun’ wanna ride!”

“Well, what do you want then,” he asked carefully.

“I want a p’liceman!”

Cro blinked. That… was not what he was expecting. “Wait, why do you want a cop?”

“Cuz I’m bein’ framed!” Tulip stomped her foot angrily, hands fisted at her sides. “Mah friend Crosith thinks I’m drunk! I wanna report ‘im for makin’ false accu… acc… stuff!”

Right. She still didn’t’ recognize him. Deciding to play along, Cro gave her a patient smile and said, “Well ma’am, it’s your lucky day then. Because I just happen to be a policeman.”

Tulip gasped in surprise. “Yuh are? Wow thawas fast!”

“I sure am. And as soon as I take you and Rob home, I’ll make sure to have a talk with this… Crosith guy.”

Tulip smiled widely. “See tha’ya do! He’s a *hic* rascal!” She stepped towards the car, but before Cro could help her climb inside, she paused.

“Ossifer, you b’lieve I’m not drunk, doncha?”

Cro grinned sheepishly. “Well…”

“I promise, ‘m not drunk! I c’n prove it too!”

“That’s... that’s really not necessary…”

“Hey! Doncha have some tests or sumthin’ to prove if sh’s sober’r not? Cause maybe she c’ld take ‘em!”

“Tha’sa great idea Robbie!”

And just like that, they were back to square one. No matter how much Cro tried to reassure her, Tulip refused to budge. It looked as if he’d have to oblige her.

Trying not to sound too frustrated, he reached up for his mic. “Gallatin sheriff, this is 647. I’m going to be conducting SFST’s with the female at this time.”

Even through the static, he could hear the confusion in the dispatcher’s voice. “Uh, say again 47? Thought you advised this was foot traffic?”

“That’s affirmative, but she is refusing transport until she gets the chance to prove sobriety,” he smacked one of Tulip’s hands away when she tried to reach for the mic. “Figure it might be the fastest way of getting this over with.”

“Alright ma’am, step over here in front of the vehicle,” he directed. After a moment of thought, he rolled down the window to give Rob some air while he waited. Last thing he wanted was for the guy to toss his guts inside the car.

Stepping in front of Tulip, Cro moved into the correct position for the HGN. “Okay ma’am, so I’d like you to stand with your feet planted side by side, arms at your sides. Can you do that?”

Tulip nodded her head and squinted down at his feet, carefully trying to maneuver her own into a similar stance.

“Perfect.” Raising his index finger, Cro held it up directly in front of her snout. “Now then, what I’m going to do is move my finger back and forth, and I want you to…”

Still mimicking his actions, Tulip’s finger shot up, and Cro had to tilt his head to the side to keep her from jabbing him in the chin.

“Ma’am, no. I… you don’t need to have your finger up too. Stop it, arms at your sides please.”

Getting her back into the proper position, Cro tried to continue his explanation. “Now, I’m going to move my finger back and forth in front of you. I want you to keep your eyes on the tip of my finger. Follow it with your EYES ONLY. Don’t move your head at all. You understand?”

“Yessir.” Tulip’s eyes were fixated on his finger. If she stared any harder, she’d probably burn a hole right through it.

“Okay, here we go…”

Three minutes later…

“Ma’am, remember you CAN’T move your head,” Cro reminded her for the ninth time. Seeing that she was unable to follow the directions, he let his hand fall back to his side, feeling pinpricks along his arm as the blood rushed back.

“Izza test over? How’d I do?”

Cro knew that if he didn’t tell her, she’d pester him about it nonstop. But if he did tell her, she’d probably ask about every little detail regardless.

“Well, you showed a lack of smooth pursuit in both eyes, as well as nystagmus at maximum deviation and prior to forty five degrees. I’d say you earned a six out of six on that test.”

Tulip beamed down at him happily. She stumbled back to the rear of the car, where Rob was sticking his head out the window to watch.

“Robbie, didja see that! I got… *hic* I got a perfect score!” They attempted to hug, but only managed to further entangle Rob in the seat belt.

“Way’ta go, Tulip! Ya did eet!”

“She sure did,” Cro mumbled. He didn’t quite have the heart to tell them that a full score pretty much equaled being drunk as a skunk.

He had hoped that would be the end of it, that her perceived ‘success’ would convince Tulip to finally get in the car. Unfortunately she instead declared that she was now on a roll, and emboldened by Rob’s encouragement, requested yet another test.

He finally decided on the one-leg stand. It was quick, easy, and if he was lucky it’d tire her out enough to make having a seat in the car look very inviting.

“Uh, hold up a second,” he said as Tulip was about to start. Cro pointed down at the high heels she was wearing. “You might want to kick those off before you start, probably make it a little easier.”

Based off her expression, one would think Cro had just explained that her library had burned down. Her eyes began to tear up and her lips quivered.

“But… but I dun wan’ta take off mah shoes. What if they ged lossed? An’ I’ll get my stockins durty on’da sidewalk!”

Cro held up both hands to try and placate the dragon. “Alright, alright. If that’s what you want.”

Tulip nodded, and stretching out her left leg, she began to lift it slowly.

“Thousand-one… a thousand… uh… two!” She paused for a moment. “Two-thousand one…”

“Heeeeey, tha’ luks like fun! Lemme try!” Rob twisted in his seat and managed to stick both legs out the window. He kicked them back and forth like he was peddling an invisible bike.

“Hey, hey Cro! Ah’m doing gud, right?”

“Rob, just sit back down for a minute okay? You’re going to choke yourself,” Cro said, gesturing for him to get back into the car. But thanks to the distraction, he failed to notice that Tulip was beginning to wobble. Then he heard a faint, mumbled "Uh oh..." He spun around to see the dragon tipping forward, her arms pinwheeling wildly. She was going to fall, she was going to fall hard, and she was coming RIGHT AT HIM.

"Oh, fuck me running," he muttered. Acting purely on instinct, he tried to brace his feet and simultaneously raise both hands to try and catch Tulip as she collapsed on top of him.

The dragon’s weight struck like a mattress fired out a cannon, knocking him off his feet. For the second time that night, Cro found himself flat on his back. This time, however, there was an elegantly dressed lady on top of him. Most would call that an ideal situation, except for the fact that she landed on him hard enough to knock the wind right out of his lungs.

As he lay pinned beneath Tulip’s body, Cro couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà-vu. Back when he was a toddler, Cro had this vivid memory of accidentally pulling a department store mannequin down on himself. This was a similar experience. Just heavier. And squishier. And giggling. There was also the tiny little issue of having his snout wedged tightly into Tulip's bosom. Comfy, yes. Veeeeery comfy. Did make it a bit difficult to breath though.

Loosing a string of muffled shouts, Cro tried to wiggle his way out from under the dragon's body. Tulip, however, seemed quite content and unwilling to budge, heedless of the fact that she was now smothering her friend.

"Thhhlhp! Lmmmphgh ogghttta hrrr!"

“Ummmfh, quiet. Pillows’re not s’posed ta talk,” Tulip mumbled, squashing him down further against the payment.

Well, this certainly gave a new meaning to the phrase “officer down.” Obviously pushing her off wasn’t going to work, so Cro managed to slip one of his arms free and waved it back and forth in what he hoped was the dragon's face.

“Woohoo, he’s throwin’ innna towel,” Rob hooted. “Tulip wins the mats, she’sa new champin uvda wurl! Now git o’er here fer a vic’try smooch!”

Tulip was up like a shot, scrambling off the pavement and nearly stomping one of her heels down into Cro’s stomach. He rolled onto his stomach, head spinning and chest burning. Tulip and Rob had finished their drunkenly sloppy kissing by the time he staggered back to the car, and Tulip was waiting for him. Smiling without a care in the world

"So what's... *hic* whatsa next test," Tulip asked. Cro shook his head. No way. Not after she nearly flattened him. He was getting her under control and in that car.

Reaching down to his belt, Cro unclasped his handcuffs. "Okay Tulip, I've got another test for you" he said. “We call it the Romberg. Now all I want you to do is tilt your head up, close your eyes, put your arms behind your back and count to thirty."

"Ohhh, thas' easy," she boasted. She did as he instructed, and Cro quickly stepped around her. Taking hold of both her hands, he maneuvered them together.

"Seventen, twelve, thirty-six an’ a half… how'm I doin," she asked.

Cro locked one of the cuffs around her left wrist. "Just fine, think you could crouch down for me a bit though?"

Tulip obliged, and Cro fastened the second cuff, double-locking them to keep from bruising her wrists.

"Alright Tulip. You can open your eyes now."

The dragon looked down at him, a perplexed frown crossing her face when she tried to bring her hands back around. She pulled on one arm and then the other. She wiggled her shoulders and hips, causing Rob to let out a delighted hoot from the cruiser.

"My arms are stuck," she complained.

Cro couldn’t keep from smirking. “That’s the idea. Now then,” he looped his arm around hers and pulled her to the other side of the car. “Let’s go for a ride, okay?”

“But wha’bout the tests,” Tulip whined. “Thought we were gon’ do another?”

‘I don’t think I’d survive it,’ Cro thought with a roll of the eyes. He tugged on Tulip’s arm again, but to his great dismay, the dragon was once more refusing to budge.

“Pleeaaaase? Can’ya let me do that one thing?”

“What, ‘one thing’ are you talking about?”

“You know, where you pu’ the thing in the mouth and you bow on it an’ it goes BEEP!” Tulip puffed out both her cheeks and blew a raspberry.

Oh, she wanted a PBT. Well, it was a rather harmless test, at least compared to the last one. Still, he’d put himself through enough aggravation for one night.

Cro once again tried dragging the dragon into the car. “Nope, not happening.”

“But I wanna take it!”

“Too bad, cause I’m not giving it to you!”

An evil grin crossed Tulip’s face. “Ohhhh yeth you will! Cuz if ya don’t, we’re gon’ tell Chinook allll about how you had yer nose in mah chest!”

Cro felt the blood drain from his face. Of all the times to finally recognize him, and it was in the middle of a blackmail attempt!

“You wouldn’t dare,” he said.

Tulip nodded her head. “Sure we will, won’t we *hic* Robbie?”

The smaller dog popped his head up over the cruiser’s roof. “Uh huh! You were nuzzlin’ her bewbs, I saw it all! An’ if you don’t give Tulip ‘er test, we’re gonna tell Chinook about it an’ yer gonna get int trouuubble!”

They’d warned him about times like this back in training. The worst cases are those that involve friends or family. It’s difficult to stay impartial and professional when dealing with those you know and love. He didn’t realize until right now just how true that statement could be.

And so, with a long-suffering sigh, Cro dug into the car’s jockey box for a PBT. Unwrapping the device, he motioned for Tulip to bend down.

“Okay, get both your lips wrapped tight around the nozzle. There you go…” One last check to make sure everything was ready.

“Alright ma’am, so whenever you’re ready, take a deep breath and start blowing. Don’t stop until I tell you, understand?” Tulip nodded. She stared cross-eyed down at the breathalyzer in his hand, then puffed her cheeks out wide and started to blow.

“Good job,” Cro said over the PBT’s high beep. “Keep going, keep going, keep going…”

And then it happened.

Tulip shuddered and let out a very loud hiccup. The PBT popped loose from her mouth, and before Cro could so much as blink, she was lunging forward to try and catch it. Unfortunately, her aim was a little off, and her lips clamped down over his wrist with a wet smack.

For a moment Cro just stared numbly at where his arm vanished into Tulip’s mouth. Her hot breath wafted over his hand, and she began gumming his wrist, still trying to get her mouth back over the breathalyzer.

It was the feel of her tongue flicking against his knuckles that finally snapped him out of it. With an incoherent sputter, Cro tried to yank his hand from her mouth. In response, Tulip pressed her lips down harder, trapping him.

“Ma’am, I’m gonna… have to ask you to… let go of my hand,” he said, still straining against her. Tulip didn’t seem to be listening. In fact, she seemed to have zoned out entirely. Her lips twitched back and forth, and Cro felt his arm being pulled further into her mouth. The pressure around his wrist increased, and he started feeling a strange pulling sensation across the back of his hand.

Oh for the love of… she was sucking on his hand! Looking up, Cro could see that Tulip was now gazing blearily off into the distance, grinning like a dope as her cheeks moved in and out. Not only that, she actually seemed to be enjoying the taste, savoring it like a goddamned grape lifesaver! Feeling more than a little frantic, Cro grabbed hold of his own forearm and began tugging for all he was worth.

Tulip grunted in displeasure and began straightening up to full height, taking his hand with her. Despite his struggles, Cro’s arm was lifted up and stretched high over his head, but Tulip wasn’t done yet. One foot began to slide, then the next, and then he was being lifted right off his feet.

‘I don’t believe this! I’m getting hauled up like a hooked trout,’ Cro thought wildly. He and thrashed, hoping the movement could somehow dislodge his arm. Not only did it fail to get the dragon’s attention, it only succeeded in tiring him out.

“Hey! Knock it off Tulip,” he panted. “This is a breath test, not a breath mint!”

“Mmmhmmm, uh’lfff mntts,” Tulip mumbled. Her tongue slid its way over his hand and around his wrist. Cro grimaced at the warm, wet feel of her saliva matting his fur.

“No licking,” Cro yelled. He tried to look back over his shoulder. “Hey, Rob! Little help? Call your girlfriend off before she tongues me to death!”

“Wazzat, Cro? Ya need backup?” Rob had somehow managed to squirm out of the seatbelt and was hanging out the window, too enraptured by the flashing blue overheads to notice Cro’s predicament.

“Hol’ on, lemme give ya’sum help! WEEWOO WEEWOO WEEWOO! HAN’S UP, INNA NAMEA DA CRAW! STOP’UR I’ll SIREN!”

“Great Rob, thanks,” Cro sighed. By now, his hand and wrist were absolutely soaked, and a steady flow of drool was leaking out of Tulip’s mouth and down his forearm. If he didn’t get out of here soon, he was going to be getting a very unwelcome tongue-bath.

Okay, he had to think this through logically. Reasoning with her didn’t work. Pulling loose didn’t work. All he needed to do was get her to open her mouth for just a second, but how?

Then, he got an idea. A wicked, vengeful idea.

It took several seconds worth of wriggling, but Cro finally managed to twist himself around. Now with his back to Tulip, it was time for the tricky part. Kicking out with both legs, Cro began to swing. Back and forth, closer and closer. That was when Tulip decided to get it on the fun. Humming merrily, she began shaking her head back and forth. Coupled with his own movement, this led to Cro being swung around in wide circles.

Cro’s stomach lurched as he was whipped about like a ragdoll. By some miracle, Tulip swung him back far enough for one of his feet to brush past her thigh. Cro immediately took the opportunity to wrap both legs around her hips and hang on for dear life.

He was now angled out like a figurehead on a ship, one arm bent back and still in Tulip's mouth. The strain on his shoulder was awful, but Cro clenched is teeth and tried to ignore the pain. Angling himself to the right, Cro leaned over and maneuvered his tail up and against Tulip’s ribs.

The dragon gave a surprised squeak, and Cro knew he had her. He started wagging his tail rapidly, taking care to drag the bushy fur firmly against her scales.

“Mmphfhf, hehehehemphf!” Tulip giggled and tried to lean away from the ticklish tail. Cro could feel her lips quivering against his arm as she tried to hold in her laughter. Almost there. Just one good belly laugh and he’d be loose. A quick backwards thrust of the hips, and he flicked his tail up and directly into her armpit. Pay dirt!

“MMPH PHAAHAHAHAHAAHHA!” Tulip laughed long and loud, and Cro’s arm came free with a moist ‘pop!” That was the good news.

Bad news was that now there was nothing holding him upright. Cro felt himself teetering forward. He frantically reached back for something, anything to grab hold.

Then his legs came loose.

Cro flipped ass over elbows and, for the third time that night, landed flat on his back. Only this time when he opened his eyes, he found himself looking straight up between a pair of very shapely legs.

‘What the hell did I do to deserve this,” he wondered.

Trying his best not to look, Cro scooted out from between Tulip’s legs. He really REALLY hoped neither of them remembered any of this tomorrow morning, because if they did, Tulip would probably die of embarrassment.

…And Chinook would strangle him to death.

Finally climbing to his feet, Cro tried to wipe his fur clean of the dense coating of dragon drool. And what a mess it was. If his arm fared this badly, he didn’t even want to think of what happened to the…

Cro slowly turned back to Tulip. The dragon gave him an innocent smile, but he could see the guilt in her eyes, and the lump in her cheek.

Walking up to her, Cro lifted his hand.

“Spit,” he ordered.

Tulip slowly opened her mouth and let the sopping wet PBT tumble into Cro’s palm. He grimaced and held the device at arm’s length, resolving to toss it into the incinerator soon as he got back to the station.

“Whas’ it *hic* say?”

Cro held his tongue for a few moments to let his frustration trickle away. “Ma’am,” he finally said. “Based on my training and experience, not to mention your fabulous performance on the tests, I am happy to inform you that you are indeed, very drunk.”

Tulip grinned widely. “Didja hear that, Robbie? I’m drunk, in’t that wunnerfull” she announced.

“Yeah yeah yeah, it’s great. Now, will you please get in the car?”

“Ohhhh, we goin’ somewheres?”

“Just… get in the car.”

“Right ‘way ossifer,” Tulip said. She stumbled back over to the cruiser, but instead of following Cro around to the other side, she paused by the open window. Bending down, she peered in at Rob.

“Robbie, I need’ya ta budge over,” she slurred. Pushing her head in through the window, she began trying to climb through.

Cro scrambled back around to her. “Wait, Tulip! Let me get the door before you…”

“Robbie, I’m stuck!” And stuck she was. Tulip’s upper body was now fully in the car, her legs kicking wildly and her rump up and exposed for all to see.

“Hol’ on Tulip, I gotcha!” Looping his arms around her neck, Rob braced his feet against the door, jammed his face into her bust, and began to pull.

“Oh, what the hell,” Cro muttered. If she wanted to climb in the window, then by god he’d help her climb in the window. So long as it helped end this nightmare. Stomping up to the door, Cro reached out, placed his hands firmly over Tulip’s butt, and began to shove.

“Oof, Robbie why’ya bein’ so rough,” she asked. She wiggled her rump back and forth teasingly. “C’mon, doncha wanna gimme a little squeeze, hmm?”

Rob nuzzled against Tulip’s chest. “There, izzat better?”

“Naaaaw, ya gotta squeeeeze it, an’ maybe gimme a little spankin!”
‘Nope,’ Cro thought. In a sudden burst of inspiration, he shifted his grip to just over Tulip’s knees. Lifting up her legs, he slid the dragon through the window and into the car.

“Oh, Robbie! How’ya get innna car already?”

“I’unno, when’d I leave?”

Not even bothering to try buckling them up, Cro rushed around to the front of the car. “Gallatin Sheriff, 647 I’m going to be 10-12 with two heading 10-42. Starting mileage 75410.”

Jumping into the seat, Cro gunned the engine and headed for home. “It’s almost over,” he told himself. “Just a few miles to go…”

---

Mile 2:

Rob tapped his finger against the partition. “Hey Cro? Crooooo? You there, Cro?”

Cro kept his eyes on the road and his mouth shut. Maybe if he didn’t answer, Rob would get bored and pipe down.

*tap tap tap tap*

Whatever Rob had to ask, he didn’t want to know.

*tap tap tap*

*tap tap tap tap tap*

Might as well answer. After all, there was the slim possibility it was something relevant.

*tap tap ta-*

“Yeah, I’m here,” he finally said. “What do you need, Rob?”

“C’n ya pull inna drive thru? I wanna get a cheeseb’ger”

He had the munchies. Why was that not surprising?

“I wan’ a big cheezeburter, an’ some totter tats, an’ a milkshake! A big choklate one!”

“Can I haf a miakshak too, Cro,” Tulip asked.

“Ya can share mine if’ya want!”

Cro decided he’d better nip this in the bud. “We’re not getting any cheeseburgers, or milkshakes. We are going home.”

“Bu’ we’re hungry now, we’bin driving fur hourth!”

“Tulip, it’s only been six minutes!”

“Pweaease, Cro? Jus’ one miwkshek?”

“Tell you what. If you two can sit nice and quiet for the rest of the trip, we’ll stop for milkshakes.”

Cro smirked as the two began shushing one another. That was way too easy. He just hoped that little ploy would last…

Mile 5:

"Hey, Tulip? Heeeeey," Rob mumbled. "Ya know what? Ya know..."

Tulip shook her head. "I musta forgot. Tell me'gain?"

Rob leaned over and fell into her lap. "Lisshen, I... was gonna say... um... I love you. Yeah, I frickin' lu'ya! An' I dun just go ‘round sayin’ that, ya know? ‘Cept when I do say it…"

Tulip nuzzled the back of Rob's head. "Aww, thas' soooo shweet Robbie! But, ya can' be sayin' ur luvin me!"

"Aww! How comes?"

"Cuz I already said I luuuuv you firs,” Tulip said in a stern, lecturing tone. “So... so you gots to say, you gots to say, 'TULIP! I luv u too!'"

"Bu that's wha ah already sed!"

“No you *hic* din't! You said... you... what are we alkin' about?"

"Heeheeehee, I 'unno," Rob laughed. "But I luv ya too!"

"Naaawww, I luvs YOU too!"

“Weeeeell I luv you more!”

“Nuh uh!”

Cro glared up at the light. “Hurry up and turn green, you son of a bitch,” he growled under his breath.

Mile 7:

“Ru…Robbie! Why’re we bouncin’ around sa’mch?”

“Ugh, sorry about that you two,” Cro apologized. “Forgot that I didn’t buckle you in. We’re just going over some speed bumps. Try and hold onto something.”

“But I can’t, oof! I can’t hold onta nuthin! My arms are still stuck!”

“Hol’ on, Tu’ip! Ah’ma comin!”

Something, probably Rob, thumped against the back of his seat. Two more thumps, probably Tulip that time, came from the other side.

“We’re still bouncin’ Robbie! Squeeze hardur!”

“I… ‘m tryin! Stahp hittin’ me!”

Cro chanced a look in the rearview mirror. Rob was sitting in Tulip’s lap with his arms wrapped tightly around her. Due to the size difference, however, he was functioning more as bizarre fashion statement than a safety device. Both of them still bounced a good inch or two with every bump they hit. Rob was also correct in that Tulip was indeed hitting him. Well, two particular parts of her anatomy were, at least.

“Croooo! Tulip won’ get’er bewbs outta mah face!”

‘Rob, I swear to god, next year I’m cuffing you both to the couch,” Cro said to himself.

Mile 10:

Cro nearly cried with relief when they finally pulled up to his house. Home at last. Thank god for that!

“Gallatin Sheriff, 647. I’ll be clear of my 10-12,” he said into the mic, not caring that his voice carried the same hysterical giddiness you’d expect to hear from a sunstroke addled sailor pulled from a lifeboat. “Ending mileage 75420.”

He opened the passenger door without looking, and immediately had to catch Tulip before she spilled out onto the drive. His back groaned in protest, but he somehow managed to pull her safely out of the car and stand her up. He glanced back to see Rob upside-down on the floorboards with his feet sticking up in the air. Cro decided to come back for him later. Maybe having the blood rush to his head would sober him up a bit.

Cro kept an arm around Tulip’s waist to steady her as they walked up to the house. Just before the porch, Cro reached down to unlock her handcuffs. Tulip looked back at him in confusion.

“Why’re mah arms still stuck,” she asked, giving her wrists a small wiggle. “And what’re these thilly braceles I’m wearin?”

“You’re in handcuffs,” Cro explained. The first cuff opened with a *click,* and he reached for the second, only to have Tulip yank her arm away.

“Hancuffs? Why’ya tryin’ ta put me in handcuffs!?”

“I’m not, I’m trying to take you out of…”

“Robbie! Haaalp,” she screamed. “Ah’m bein abduckeded!”

“Wait, that’s not what,” Cro paused as Rob somersaulted out of the cruiser, falling in a jumbled heap to the ground. In a surprising display of coordination, he somehow picked himself up and raised both fists in a boxer’s stance.

“Hey now! Hey…” he slurred, hopping from foot to foot. “You lissen up here, misser! Get ‘ur hands off amah woman, or I’ll getcha! I’mmma, gonna scissor-kick ya inna back of’da hed! Yeah, I’ll *hic* come atcha like a spider monkey! I…”

“Rob? Just shut up and sit down before you hurt yourself,” Cro said. He’d had way more than enough of this shit tonight. He did not want to get struck with driving the little bum to the hospital if he fell and split his head.

Rob let out a drunken bellow that might, if dropped a few decibels and played back at triple volume, have passed as a war cry. Ducking his head, he charged forward like a linebacker. Cro stood his ground, watching with weary dismay as the smaller dog rushed right by him and crashed headlong into a bush.

Tulip clasped her hands and sighed dreamily as Rob pummeled the shrubbery. “Mah hero! Aww, Robbie yur magnificent!

“Hah hah! Have atcha, ya varlet! Take that, an’ this, an’ one of those! Now apologize to’da lady an’ I’ll letcha go!”

Cro smacked a palm to his forehead. “Yeah, sure. Ouch, you really showed me. I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again,” he said in a deadpan drawl.

“See that ya’ don’t!” Satisfied with his hard-won ‘victory,’ Rob managed to extricate himself from the bush.

Thankfully, Cro managed to get them both into the house with no further problems. Snatching a spare set of blankets and pillow from the hall closet, he gave Rob a light shove onto the couch and dropped them onto him. After a moment’s thought, he gave the pile of blankets a firm poke in vicinity of Rob’s forehead.

“Don’t. You. Move,” he ordered sternly. Once he was satisfied that Rob was staying put, he steered Tulip upstairs to the bedroom.

So far, his luck was holding. Without the slightest bit of prompting, Tulip flopped onto the bed immediately after they entered the room. Cro took a moment to remove her shoes and glasses, then spread a quilt over her. Tulip mumbled something that might have been a thank you, and Cro slipped out of the room.

When he got back downstairs, he could see that Rob had burrowed down into the covers and already begun snoring. Cro shook his head.

“You two are going to be the death of me,” he said, not unkindly. Digging into the blankets, he managed to yank Rob’s shoes off as well.

Seeing that both his charges were now comfortably snoozing, he quietly made his way out of the house. Climbing back into his cruiser, Cro leaned forward and slumped against the steering wheel. He spent a few minutes just breathing in and out, enjoying the sweet silence that filled the car. He was wiped; utterly and completely exhausted.

‘So much for a quiet night,” he thought. ‘I really need to stop jinxing myself.’ His eyes drifted down to the center console, and the white paper bag that still sat in a cup holder.

Cro once more pulled out the maple bar, only to find that the doughnut was now completely stale. Damn. He’d really been looking forward to eating that.

He took his time driving back to the station, the breeze through the window gradually easing his frazzled nerves. But as soon as he pulled into the sally port, he found one of the jailers waiting for him.

Cro stepped warily from the cruiser. “Something wrong, Ian?”

“Just need a hand dealing with a few gals that came in earlier.” The moose’s lips were twitching, almost like he was trying to hold back a smile. “They’re down at intake right now.”

“Okay, let’s go then,” Cro said with a shrug. The two officers made their way down the stairs and through the various checkpoints.

“So what’d you book these folks on,” he asked, ejecting the magazine from his gun and popping the round from the chamber.

“Oh, they weren’t arrested. Just a group of public intoxers that Hoiland brought in.”

Cro frowned. “Well then why didn’t the rookie just give ‘em a lift? Why drag them all the way down here?”

Ian chuckled. “Well, they were pretty opposed to getting a ride from him. Said they wanted to wait until you could do it yourself.”

They were right at the door to the booking room now, and Cro felt a chill run up his spine. “Wait, they asked for me, personally? By name and all?”

“Who are these people,” he demanded, already knowing and dreading the answer. Ian just smirked and flung the door open wide.

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at him, and Cro’s jaw dropped in horror and dismay. Sitting before him where three very familiar women. Two sharks and an antelope doe, all securely cuffed and strapped into restraint chairs.

“eeeyyy, lookit gurls! Izzzat Cro,” Chinook asked in excitement. “Yeeeeaaa it iz ‘im! Hiiiii Crooooo!”

Tori and Ash immediately joined in, laughing and shouting in drunken glee. A strangled, broken sob burst from Cro’s lips, and he staggered back to the wall and slid limply to the floor.

No, no no no this couldn’t be happening. They were supposed to take a cab home! Ashy promised him! He couldn’t handle giving another drunken ride! Not again! Not with the three of them!

“Uh oh, he wen’ an’ fell ovuh,” Tori snickered. “Heeeey, ur not drinkin are ya Cro? Com’on and get’us outta these things. We wanna go fer a car ride!”

Cro buried his head in his hands. ‘Mom was right,’ he thought. ‘I should’ve gone into the priesthood.’

---

A story to go along with the awesome picture that  RobTheHoopedChipmunk made of Cro trying to to give a drunken Rob and Tulip a ride home. Definitely a fun story to write, though not sure how well the drunk dialogue turned out.

Cro and Chinook belong to me and my gal

Rob and Tulip belong to  RobTheHoopedChipmunk

Tori and Ash belong to  DrPossibly

Original Picture by  RobTheHoopedChipmunk

Hope you enjoyed the read!