*hugs tight*
I miss you

You know something, love. From time to time, I miss you as well.

*squeezes back, exhales*

Ehhh...I had to tell my mother a couple of times of my sexual preferences. At one point she threw a bit of a tantrum and invited my dad in on it. Like a true man he only told me a couple of gay jokes and smiled at me heartily(later I found out the old fart started smoking again because of that).

A couple of years later when we were out drinking she asked me again if I even wanted to date women, I answered to her "For the fourth time already, mom, I like BOTH men AND women". She was like "I can live with that". My dad was just like "I'll just drink for you, son".

So yeah, we have our ups and downs regarding identities, opinions and principals but overall as I mature I realize more and more that my parents are basically my best friends. Especially mom with all her crazy aspergers shit(that I actually inherited a bit), I still love her to bits and I know I couldnt wish for a better, more understand woman.

I am sorry that this is what happened to you, that you didnt get the chance to tell her. But words are close to superficial, I wish I could've done more than arrange pixels on a screen for you to read.

Thank you for your kind words, love. They may only be pixels on a screen, as ethereal as a fart in the breeze, but they have more meaning than any dollar sign could attach. To me, at least.

Thank you also for sharing your story with me. I know you come from a different world, a different culture and I've often wondered what problems you face for just being who and what you are in your world. I can only learn so much from here in "way-the-fuck-over-there-land" by reading books and news articles... Never believe those damned things, by the by...

It's wonderful that you would have such a family around you. *smiles* I'm jealous, honestly. To be accepted like that is a beautiful thing.

Hey, money cant buy you happiness but it's a damn good alternative if you ask me. Materialism can be a good opiate if you can afford it.

To be honest half the things are true, those I am aware of anyway cos I usually pay little attention to my un-immediate surroundings(aspergers and what not). You can believe what you want, ask me what ever and i'll answer you, though I dont know how much of a credible source of information I am. All I know is that there was a gay parade in Tel Aviv not long ago and I fucking hate gay parades.

Well, accepted is a relative term. I recently talked to my dad, he said that the thing he wants most to see in me is a grown up individual. He is a man to whom individualism is one of the corner stones of humanity. He said that he wants me to be who I want to be, he told me that he doesnt give to shits about who I wanna fuck or get fucked by. He just said that he'd sorta prefer it if I was with a woman due to...reproductive reasons. Same goes with my mom, they are both huge Darwinists. So basically they'd prefer if I was with a woman cos they want social gene pool expansion/grandchildren rather than because it is a social taboo(pfft),

That point of view is actually quite amazing and modern for a couple that came from the USSR.

Actually I remember a story with my mom once. I was driving her around on some errands and I dont remember how the conversation began but it went a bit like this:

"Mom, you know that one way or another I'd prefer to be with a woman in the end"

"Ok son...whatever makes you happy...." She said to me in a slightly worried tone. So I asked:

"What, you prefer that I'd be with men?"

"What?"

"What did you think I said to you, mom?"

"That you'd prefer to be a woman!"

"HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! NO! I love my mutilated penis too much for that!"

I'd like to say something to comfort you. But I don't really have the words. Only that I know the pain of losing one's mother rather well. The other aspect of this, being someone else for their sake... well, I'm not sure I would've ever done that. I can't imagine trying to be someone other than who I am for another person's benefit, no matter how much I love them. And I can't imagine how it must feel for that person to be gone before you had the chance to truly show them who you are. Please remember that you have friends here, Ash. Anytime you need them, just talk to them. Love you.

...Huh. I guess I had the words after all.

*smiles* and so you did... Thank you, dear.

You were there for me then, well... as much as a person can "Be there" for someone across the sterility of a digital medium, but you were than, and I'm grateful that you still are today.

An anecdote- Something that occurred to me recently, with all those days I spent in the hospital, watching over mum's bed, there was this one nurse who kept visiting me when I took time to myself in the solarium. She and I talked at length, this and that. *chuckles* After experiencing the TREMENDOUS conservative ball of fun that m'dad was, she was pretty mischievous in her enjoyment of seeing pics of my pole dancing outfit, my then-boyfriend. "You mean, you're a...?" "Yup." "Hoooooo...." She was a confidant, of a sort, and she knew me better than my own mum.

I need to note you later, something that's been bugg'ring me for a time now.

Please, do. I'll help any way I can, and besides I miss chatting with you. *snugs you up*

Honestly? Part of me feels I should not comment on this, as this is something for you and your mother. You decided to share it, perhaps give people a place of respite to tell their own stories. And then a part of me feels I should comment and say my own feelings on the matter. I have not gone what you have gone through, I cannot even imagine. The closest thing I can imagine to coming close to that is my father walking in on me browsing furry art, and merely chuckled and said cheerfully "That's a pretty dog" before going on to saying what he walked in to say (Joke's on him, which I partially regret because parents. I once walked in on him browsing bondage porn in turn. I did not handle the surprise as well as he handled his and I just turned and walked out the room). All I know is I should likely consider myself lucky for such a reaction.

As for my thoughts on your little story and commentary, well... You say she loved that lie. You cared enough to do your best to make her happy. Say what you want, even if it's not 'real', reality is how we perceive it, if she felt happy, she likely honestly felt happy, and the happiness on her end was not Not real

You know, it's words such as these that have had me so very curious to meet you for the past few years... *smiles* Thank you for them love, and for being you.

I have to agree. *shrugs, chuckles* Maybe you're right about her -and I, of course. Surely, not everything I shared with her was falsehood. And I suppose if her love was genuine, maybe it doesn't matter as much after all. Maybe there was more of me in my facade than I think. It's all academic now, I know. But still, it vexes me more often than I ever thought it would.

I feel I should say something about Why I post things like this, very VERY personal things most would and probably should keep to themselves. *pops her neck* It's not for attention or any such tomfoolery, to be true. I want no pity. Genuinely, why I do this is because I know what it feels like to hurt in this fashion. Also, people are all different, so VERY different, but in many ways we are all the same. You and I, for example, are from almost totally opposite sides of the planet, entirely different cultures, languages, loves and hurts. Even so, we could also probably share a drink, a song and a warm bed together and awake to the world all the merrier. Different, but the same. And maybe, like our sameness, in my hurt, someone else shares that sameness. And maybe it's a vanity on my part to think it but maybe seeing this image, reading my words and knowing that they are NOT alone, maybe it'll be enough for them to not pull the trigger that day?

It may sound silly, but it's the truth.

*Chuckles cheerfully* You flatter me... Not that I am complaining, mind you~

And as I do not know any of the factors in detail, but all I am trying to say in the end is, it is the past. It is important to you, I feel, but at the same time, sometimes the best thing that can be done for both sides is to let things go. This is a bit of a personal belief, but one I do hold dear onto. The whole 'let spirits rest' and all that, though if it does still vex you, what I found helps is just take a little moment when things are silent, and speak out loud what is bothering you, what you would want your mother to hear. Not quite like a prayer directed at some god or another, but more as a bit of a therapeutic measure

I do suppose that it is similar to what you did here, something to get it off your chest, and then putting it out there, not so much for others as much for yourself as if to say you're throwing those thoughts in the open, no more shame? Merely speculating here, mind you. That and still the idea of giving people a place to vent themselves, as well. And aye, 'tis also hard of me to think of a culture that would Not want to share a drink with people despite languages, unless there's recent history inciting hate to act as a barrier... Though I do firmly believe that all cultures have some base lines in common. Not so much as to what they do, or how they do it, but Why they do it, what for. And that is what people forget to ask many á times. I usually hear "They do What?!" rather than "Oh? But why would they do that?"

Either way, as silly as it may sound, I do see merit in your words and hold no reason to object.. Besides, the world would be dull without any form of silly~

Awwww

great big green Foxx *HUGS*

*takes your hand and smiles* You know, I imagined that you'd have been one of the first to say something here, my dear. *noses it lightly* I hope the day finds you well.

This reminds me a bit of my own situation with my own mother. She may know my real name but she still clings to the one she gave me from the beginning, even if she may try to hide it. She views my correct gender as an accessory rather than a reality, and the worst part is that since she has a brain injury and early onset alzheimers probably...it would be a luxury at this point for her to be able to understand me wholesomely. Some trans people may have parents who more easily comprehend them and respect them, and thus get confused about why I'm not constantly fighting the current since I "deserve to have my identity respected". I don't think they can comprehend how vastly different our circumstances are. How I can deal with such disregard of my identity, either purposefully or not, and still hold love in my heart. They don't have a parent they will have watched die 3 times by the time they end up passing, one time from a coma only to come back from it, the other a loss of psyche in the wake of that, and the final death of the flesh. All that kind of philosophical type stuff, basically. I'm always thinking about what will happen when she passes, and I work as her PCA so I am around her much more than my other siblings.

In your case, your mom missed out on a lot of things while she was alive, and even after her death. In mine, she doesn't even remember what she doesn't miss out on, but I love her all the same and will miss her terribly when she passes. I'm not sure what else to say, and I dont even quite remember how I came across this piece since I feel kinda emotional but. I dunno, thanks for sharing such an intimate piece. It gave me quite The Feelings.