Right, I can't find either meter or rhyme in any part of this. Absent any spoken structure, it's hard to see what your rationale for splitting it up into lines was. And if it's not split out into lines, doesn't it just read like a story?

You might try saying it aloud. That's really something you should always always do with a poem-- test how sounds when spoken, where the rythms are and what's tripping them up.

Also, myriad's an adjective-- "myriad cuts." It's not a word like "collection" or "multiplicity."

It sounds kinda like a running description of an over-the-top action-adventure sequence in a movie. Being that direct doesn't create the sympathy you probably want. If his feelings or sensations were left a little to the readers imagination, there might be space for us to start actually trying to imagine what he feels, without being told so forcefully.

I do thank you for your constructive criticism, but it's a bit ill-founded. It's not a poem.
RHYME
I never use rhyme in my work. It seems far too whimsical, and I rarely put whimsy in my work.
METER
If you check my gallery, you're probably not gonna find any meter. I don't write poetry, I write prose.
...
And as for the "myriad cuts", there was supposed to be an "of" in there, but it would seem I missed it in the proofreading.