Note: raw and mostly unfiltered emotions. Need to get that off of my chest.

I should do that more often. Heading out without a certain purpose. Just strolling around. Looking here and there, enjoying what comes. Usually, when I'm stressed, I head out on my bicycle during night, embarking on a bicylce tour. Mostly because it's quiet. But there are also quiet place during daytime. And the world looks different during the day.

I love this picture. The light that streams through the roof and casts a spot light like ambience onto the recently thrown piece on the wall jut got me. I wish I had a better camera along, not just my cell phone.

The picture somehow shows how I feel inside. Trying to be bright and colourful in a situation that's grey and kinda broken. But like with the Graffiti, it's just a matter of time before the paint wears off.

Feeling like an amimal in a cage with an information board in front of it that tells everyone what to expect what I do. Often I feel like one cares about paying attention to what I really do. I know this isn't true for everyone. But feelings can be a strong thing. People just think they know what I do and and just wait for it to happen. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and it tears me apart. Avoiding people expectations just makes it worse.

I know there's no use in being frustrated. Being frustrated doesn't help changing things. Being frustrated because one is frustrated is just being, well, useless. Nothing changes without effort but I feel burned out. I almost see no use in trying any longer. And that's the point where I'll break and I have no idea what I'll do then. I was (still am, I hope) always a joyful person. But sometimes I wonder how much is left. There are so many things that I've changed in the past three years. I lowered my work at cons to reasonable level, about to just say 'screw it, I quit it all'. I take more time to see and listen to friends. I quit responding instantly when being pissed but calm down before I write something stupid (okay, most times... I hope). And for what? For some people to tell me "you have changed, I go away". Of course people change. That's what life is about.

And there something I like the world around me to know: even when I'm not happy or something bugs me: I try to smile (and try not to run around all grumpy, like "hey, I'm pissed and everyone has to know") because it doesn't help. Feeling like you're in control over a problem helps to solve it.

Or to say it: only because I smile does - the fuck - NOT mean that I don't care. Damnit. I do care. I just have my way to deal with it. And that what I helped me keeping my head over the water. Eypecially during the last three yeasr which were, more often that not, a small piece of hell on earth when it comes to social stuff...

And the worse: isolating me doesn't help. Not me, not anyone. We all just want to feel welcome and happy.