Flynn has been my fursona for well over a year now. Maybe a bit more, I don't know. I've been happy with my style too.

But here we go again-- although I love Flynn with all of my heart and would never give him up for anything I just...I don't know. It's hard to explain. I see him and part of me sees pain while the other sees hope. But the side that sees hope is wavering. He just has so many memories. Ones that although I cherish, cause pain.

I've tried alternate fursonas: Tie, Red, Rooth, for example. But...I just don't click with any of them the way I had with Flynn.

It honestly hurts more than I thought it would to admit it but...I think I've lost my fursona. I used to see Flynn as the me I wanted to be. That I was. That I could be. But the memories he holds just...disturbs me.

I feel really lost now, like I don't connect with any of my characters like I once had. I feel so, so, lost without the connection I had with Flynn. Without the connection my characters and I shared.

I MIGHT be making a new fursona some time, but Flynn will still be my forever. No matter what memories he brings. But I can't keep him as my main. I just don't get the joy I once had when I draw him.

So much has happened in the time I thought I found myself a forever fursona- Flynn. And I just...I have to let it go. I have let it go. But when I did I let go of the passion I had for Flynn at the same time and didn't want to admit it or realize it until now.

I feel piled up with all of my character I have and I'd sell so many of them. Most of them.
But most of them are adopts I had adopted over on DA. Some I have adopted so long ago that I cannot remember who I got them from, and so I cannot go back and real the rules that were set when I first got them. So since I don't know if I can resell them, since I cant return them to their original designer, I am stuck with them, and it just feels like a bag of bricks on my shoulders. Like I've lost the personal touch with my characters...

I want a fursona I can draw and feel that flare of joy. To draw vent with them and truly feel better afterwards without feeling like I left something unsaid. Unheard.

I want to feel that personal connection my fursona and my characters again. But im so lost...I don't know who my fursona is. Or what it would be.

I have sooo much inner chaos im afraid to try and decipher because I don't want to know the answer. I'd rather not know, in all honesty. Perhaps I don't care if I ever do know. I don't even know anymore.

I'm also unhappy with my art style. I just...can't draw. I've tried to draw. I've tried to fight off art block, and be happy when I attempt to draw but I just can't do it. I feel lost and defeated.
I have so much of a hard time letting go of so much, and no matter how I try, no matter how I deny and pretend, no matter how I struggle and pry for myself to let go it's like i'm stuck. Once im in, i'm not coming out for some time and I HATE it...I wish I could just let go. If I never let go, i'll never fly, and I was born for freedom. Something I lack.

If I could just....escape. Run away for a while. Out in the woods to find myself again- to just let go and let everything I've ever held onto fly into the blue beyond. To feel in touch with my deepest roots again. Maybe then I'll find myself. Maybe then, I'll find inspiration and style. Maybe then the weight I feel can be lifted...maybe then wounds can have time to rest and heal until they scar over and I can accept every single aspect of every issue I have. To release the stress and watch long cold nights rise into something beautiful; a red dawn, the beginning of a new day. A new time.

In October, my family reunion is coming up and I get the chance to run away back to my roots- I always have fun, I always leave smiling and practically weightless, feeling at home and renewed...it's insane what being in a city for too long can do to ya when you were born to the heart of a country soul, on top of stress, pressure, and torn feelings.

It's like I live with two minds; two personalities.
They say "Which one screams louder?"
and I'd tell you but I don't fucking know...they both scream just as loud so it all just turns into a white noise that I don't fucking understand.

Two voices in my head, two personalities, and I want one of them DEAD so I can finally know and focus on being just that.

Im so lost right now guys, and the stress is insane. I've tried crying and when I get done I get very, very, angry before I get miserable and bitter, hating everything wanting to commit mass murder or something because I could not give two shits less of the consequences...

Buuut after that I get optimistic and feel all happy again, and like "Oh i'd never hurt anyone I just like to talk shit"
but I know very well as well as those close to me-- that I would do something majorly stupid and dangerous.
and I seriously HATE that.

Am I just...depressed and pissed off? Or am I a really good guy with very bad thoughts and little self control? Both? I don't know...I really don't.

I used to find comfort and refuge within my art, fursona, and characters. But...as stated, I don't feel happy with my art nor characters anymore.

So without my art, where will I find an outlet? What do I do with my time? Which side of me is the real me, and not just a side? Who am I?

So until I get happy with my art, and release some of this inner chaos somehow, my art will be slow or just shitty ass doodles of me trying to struggle through this. I can't just sit here and do nothing...it'd give me too much time to think and im afraid of what path my mind will chose to take.

My head hurts, my throat hurts from trying to swallow over the "Im going to fucking cry like a miserable being' lump in my throat and stop myself from crying. Im going to bed now. If you made it this far, thanks for listening/reading.

And I hope your days are good. If not, I hope they get better. Live life to its fullest man...it's too short to waste.