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Why can't I make the hurting stop?
I had another startling dream tonight. I have not been sleeping much lately and did not get any the previous night. Shortly after going to bed tonight, I started to drift, then I started to dream... can't quiet remember about what.
So I got up and I took a leak, and started to have a massive urge for COOL WHIP. I am already quite contently full form all the American Thanksgiving I have been partaking in while I am down here visiting my friend,
mstover. But I cut myself a LARGE piece of cake and pile on the whipped topping, because I was not feeling good and I needed something...
I have never been THIS bad with food not in a long time. When I am at home, I try SO VERY HARD to keep too much food away form me, but fail because my family keeps buying me chips and chocolate and making me extra large portions which I stupidly can't say no to.
Fuck, I am so damn fat... I am fat, my hair is turning gray, and I am not sleeping. I try to make a cry for help and all I get is the question about my weight. NO FUCKING SHIT I AM FAT YOU MORONS!
I go out with friends who when I try to whine about my problems ask me if I know that its my weight that is causing it... after of course buying me a Frosty or cheeseburger.. NOT HELPING!
I hate all of you. I hate the world. I hate myself. I am full of sadness and rage and anger and I can't blame anyone because I am fucking fat and I am too stupid to put the fucking fork down. I don't even realize it until it is too late and here I am SHOVELING it like an animal to the troft.
I blame my family, who won't listen to me, who when I was a little fat boy instilled in me: UNHAPPY? HAVE A COOKIE! I blame them today for making me feel guilty for trying to skip a meal or try to get them to eat healthier because I am slowly dying because of them. I wish I was dead.
I just can't keep this in.. it is Four O'clock in the morning, my eyes are full of tears and I just can't keep it in. I wish I was dead, I wish I was not here, I wish I was in my own bed, never to leave because I can't stop eating. I can't stop the hurting.
I am so alone.. I am so alone and fat and ugly and I deserve to be alone because I am so fat and ugly. I am so fat and ugly and useless I can't work for more than half to three quarters of a year then I have to quit or I fuck up and get let go. I can't keep a job so I can't snag a mate because love costs money, and those who think otherwise are kidding themselves or completely delusional.
I am tired of being picked on and taking it, then turning around and passing it along to my friends, teasing them and annoying them just to relieve some of the shame I feel for myself. I have been bullied and assaulted all my life and I can't make that stop either because I am a fucking doormat. So I try to keep to myself, to keep away form others, to not bother them with my inadequacies and my disappointment in myself and the world.
When it comes time for a meal, I try my DAMNEST to cut back to smaller portions, to take less and there for do myself less harm. It does not always work. Often I leave the table still starving, or worse yet, people wheel out the desert and drop a huge slab of pie before me. And so I eat more. I get up in the middle of the night when I am sad and lonely, and I eat more. I go out to just get away form it all, to a fast food place so I can 'rent' a place that is not home, and I eat more.
I eat more... but why can't I make the hurting stop?
=^.,.^=
I had another startling dream tonight. I have not been sleeping much lately and did not get any the previous night. Shortly after going to bed tonight, I started to drift, then I started to dream... can't quiet remember about what.
So I got up and I took a leak, and started to have a massive urge for COOL WHIP. I am already quite contently full form all the American Thanksgiving I have been partaking in while I am down here visiting my friend,
mstover. But I cut myself a LARGE piece of cake and pile on the whipped topping, because I was not feeling good and I needed something...I have never been THIS bad with food not in a long time. When I am at home, I try SO VERY HARD to keep too much food away form me, but fail because my family keeps buying me chips and chocolate and making me extra large portions which I stupidly can't say no to.
Fuck, I am so damn fat... I am fat, my hair is turning gray, and I am not sleeping. I try to make a cry for help and all I get is the question about my weight. NO FUCKING SHIT I AM FAT YOU MORONS!
I go out with friends who when I try to whine about my problems ask me if I know that its my weight that is causing it... after of course buying me a Frosty or cheeseburger.. NOT HELPING!
I hate all of you. I hate the world. I hate myself. I am full of sadness and rage and anger and I can't blame anyone because I am fucking fat and I am too stupid to put the fucking fork down. I don't even realize it until it is too late and here I am SHOVELING it like an animal to the troft.
I blame my family, who won't listen to me, who when I was a little fat boy instilled in me: UNHAPPY? HAVE A COOKIE! I blame them today for making me feel guilty for trying to skip a meal or try to get them to eat healthier because I am slowly dying because of them. I wish I was dead.
I just can't keep this in.. it is Four O'clock in the morning, my eyes are full of tears and I just can't keep it in. I wish I was dead, I wish I was not here, I wish I was in my own bed, never to leave because I can't stop eating. I can't stop the hurting.
I am so alone.. I am so alone and fat and ugly and I deserve to be alone because I am so fat and ugly. I am so fat and ugly and useless I can't work for more than half to three quarters of a year then I have to quit or I fuck up and get let go. I can't keep a job so I can't snag a mate because love costs money, and those who think otherwise are kidding themselves or completely delusional.
I am tired of being picked on and taking it, then turning around and passing it along to my friends, teasing them and annoying them just to relieve some of the shame I feel for myself. I have been bullied and assaulted all my life and I can't make that stop either because I am a fucking doormat. So I try to keep to myself, to keep away form others, to not bother them with my inadequacies and my disappointment in myself and the world.
When it comes time for a meal, I try my DAMNEST to cut back to smaller portions, to take less and there for do myself less harm. It does not always work. Often I leave the table still starving, or worse yet, people wheel out the desert and drop a huge slab of pie before me. And so I eat more. I get up in the middle of the night when I am sad and lonely, and I eat more. I go out to just get away form it all, to a fast food place so I can 'rent' a place that is not home, and I eat more.
I eat more... but why can't I make the hurting stop?
=^.,.^=
Category Artwork (Traditional) / General Furry Art
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 633 x 826px
File Size 71.9 kB
Glad you let it out.
And I'm not happy no one has recognized your desire to change. You sound like you so much want it, and that's a good chunk of the effort right there. Drop me a note if you want to chat and I can give you my contact info.
Meanwhile, have a hug.
*HUGHUGHUG*
And I'm not happy no one has recognized your desire to change. You sound like you so much want it, and that's a good chunk of the effort right there. Drop me a note if you want to chat and I can give you my contact info.
Meanwhile, have a hug.
*HUGHUGHUG*
what I really need to do is more. I am so tired all the time, all this over eating is going no where but to my hips and belly.. and >.> man boobs.. *sigh* I need to do more activities so I can burn it off.
I am so tired all the time though, and I sleep so little, that I just have given up.
=^.,.^=
I am so tired all the time though, and I sleep so little, that I just have given up.
=^.,.^=
Mike, you've made an important first step here. You sound like your ready to make the life change required to lose the unwanted weight. It's best to start in small steps, going 'cold turkey' never works.
A good first step would be to stock up on 'snaking veggies' that you like. In the mood for a cookie? Try a carrot instead. Hankering for the crunch of potato chips, crunch into some celery.
I haven't tried Herbalife, what I've been using is the Slim-Fast plan. I've only lost 20 pounds in the past year, but I was only 40 pounds overweight to start. Slim-Fast's plan has you eating 5-6 smaller meals a day, so you never get to the 'really hungry' state that leads to overeating.
Also, you should let your family and friends know you're serious about losing weight. Whichever diet plan you chose, post the info in the fridge, if it uses tally cards to track calories, keep the cards with you when you go out. Just remember, this isn't just something to go on to lose the weight and then go off of, this is for The. Rest. Of. Your. Life. Once you get to your target weight, you adjust the plan to maintain that weight, which means you get to eat a little more at meals.
And whatever plan you choose, there's one other thing you need to do, and it's going to be really hard at first. You're going to need to exercise more. Again, you need to start slow and easy, doubly so with the exercise because trying too hard too soon will lead to an injury that will set you back physically and emotionally. Start out with the easy stuff, walking. Go for a stroll around the neighborhood once a week, not running, not jogging, just meandering along, letting your limbs find their natural rhythm.
Now some people may think you're 'doing the diet thing' just to get attention, and they'll make fun of you or try to sabotage your efforts. DO NOT LET THEM. This is YOUR LIFE, not theirs. Practice a few key phrases to use:
"I'm not looking for attention, I'm trying to get healthy."
"Fat? I'm fat? Why didn't anyone tell me? Of course I know I'm fat, that's why I'm trying to lose weight."
"Thank you but no, I'm trying to drop a few pounds."
Also weigh yourself at least once a week, and keep a log of it. You may not see much progress at first, (I actually GAINED five pounds before I started losing weight) but it'll help you track your progress, and it's something else you cam bring up as 'proof' that you're serious. With most plans, after the initial instability, you might lose a lot of weight quickly, and then it'll taper off, that's normal, the initial loss is 'water weight,' pounds your body feels it doesn't need, after that it's all about burning off the 'long-term reserves' of fat, which your body will jealously hold on to, you'll be fighting your own self for a time, feeling sleepy all the time as your body thinks that the food is running out and tries to put you into 'hibernate' mode so you'll survive until the next time food is plentiful. That's why the exercise is important, it keeps your metabolism up, so you won't curl up and sleep all the time. Another factor in the tapering weight loss is that the exercise builds up muscle tissue as it burns away the fat, so as you're losing the 'bad pounds' you're also gaining 'good pounds,' but the scale can't tell one from the other. Muscle tissue is good, because muscles require a constant influx of energy, unlike fat tissue, which just sort of sits there and holds onto the reserves until needed. The more muscle tissue you have the more your muscles will be 'chewing the fat' even when you're asleep.
Remember, this is for YOU, nobody else, it's time to be a little selfish, YOU want to get healthy, so YOU will get YOU healthy. Anyone who isn't ready to help YOU get YOU healthy is someone you don't need around you right now. There's a slim chance you might lose a friend along with the weight, but any 'friends' who won't support you in your life change aren't real friends.
There will be more hurting before the hurting stops, but as the pounds start to fall away, you'll start to see a happier guy looking back at you from the mirror.
I'm here for you, if you need anything, feel free to drop me a note here on FA. We're both fighting the Battle of the Bulge, and I want to see YOU WIN.
A good first step would be to stock up on 'snaking veggies' that you like. In the mood for a cookie? Try a carrot instead. Hankering for the crunch of potato chips, crunch into some celery.
I haven't tried Herbalife, what I've been using is the Slim-Fast plan. I've only lost 20 pounds in the past year, but I was only 40 pounds overweight to start. Slim-Fast's plan has you eating 5-6 smaller meals a day, so you never get to the 'really hungry' state that leads to overeating.
Also, you should let your family and friends know you're serious about losing weight. Whichever diet plan you chose, post the info in the fridge, if it uses tally cards to track calories, keep the cards with you when you go out. Just remember, this isn't just something to go on to lose the weight and then go off of, this is for The. Rest. Of. Your. Life. Once you get to your target weight, you adjust the plan to maintain that weight, which means you get to eat a little more at meals.
And whatever plan you choose, there's one other thing you need to do, and it's going to be really hard at first. You're going to need to exercise more. Again, you need to start slow and easy, doubly so with the exercise because trying too hard too soon will lead to an injury that will set you back physically and emotionally. Start out with the easy stuff, walking. Go for a stroll around the neighborhood once a week, not running, not jogging, just meandering along, letting your limbs find their natural rhythm.
Now some people may think you're 'doing the diet thing' just to get attention, and they'll make fun of you or try to sabotage your efforts. DO NOT LET THEM. This is YOUR LIFE, not theirs. Practice a few key phrases to use:
"I'm not looking for attention, I'm trying to get healthy."
"Fat? I'm fat? Why didn't anyone tell me? Of course I know I'm fat, that's why I'm trying to lose weight."
"Thank you but no, I'm trying to drop a few pounds."
Also weigh yourself at least once a week, and keep a log of it. You may not see much progress at first, (I actually GAINED five pounds before I started losing weight) but it'll help you track your progress, and it's something else you cam bring up as 'proof' that you're serious. With most plans, after the initial instability, you might lose a lot of weight quickly, and then it'll taper off, that's normal, the initial loss is 'water weight,' pounds your body feels it doesn't need, after that it's all about burning off the 'long-term reserves' of fat, which your body will jealously hold on to, you'll be fighting your own self for a time, feeling sleepy all the time as your body thinks that the food is running out and tries to put you into 'hibernate' mode so you'll survive until the next time food is plentiful. That's why the exercise is important, it keeps your metabolism up, so you won't curl up and sleep all the time. Another factor in the tapering weight loss is that the exercise builds up muscle tissue as it burns away the fat, so as you're losing the 'bad pounds' you're also gaining 'good pounds,' but the scale can't tell one from the other. Muscle tissue is good, because muscles require a constant influx of energy, unlike fat tissue, which just sort of sits there and holds onto the reserves until needed. The more muscle tissue you have the more your muscles will be 'chewing the fat' even when you're asleep.
Remember, this is for YOU, nobody else, it's time to be a little selfish, YOU want to get healthy, so YOU will get YOU healthy. Anyone who isn't ready to help YOU get YOU healthy is someone you don't need around you right now. There's a slim chance you might lose a friend along with the weight, but any 'friends' who won't support you in your life change aren't real friends.
There will be more hurting before the hurting stops, but as the pounds start to fall away, you'll start to see a happier guy looking back at you from the mirror.
I'm here for you, if you need anything, feel free to drop me a note here on FA. We're both fighting the Battle of the Bulge, and I want to see YOU WIN.
the right fast food is actually 'good' for you. EX: Small chili, side salad w/light ranch, and a Coke Zero from Wendy's is what I often try to get when I am being careful. But I can have a baked potato there too, and their chicken sandwiches (with extra lettuces and tomato) is good on calories too.
=^.,.^=
=^.,.^=
*hugs*
I know where you are coming from. I was, am , is in the same boat with regard to the weight. If I have learnt anything over the past few years it is this. The only person who can change how you act, look and feel is you!!!
You have too look deep inside of yourself Mike, look past all the negative stuff and find something positive, no matter how small and use that to bring about change.
I am fat, overweight and unfit. I procrastinate daily and i hardly ever finish what I start but thankfully I have managed to keep up with my "training" (excersing) and it is starting to show.
Cut out the cookies and crap, reach for a glass of water instead of a soda and go for walks. Out put must be greater than input and you will see a change, physically and mentally.
Please, we are all worried about you. I will always be here for you, I Just wish there was more I could do.
I know where you are coming from. I was, am , is in the same boat with regard to the weight. If I have learnt anything over the past few years it is this. The only person who can change how you act, look and feel is you!!!
You have too look deep inside of yourself Mike, look past all the negative stuff and find something positive, no matter how small and use that to bring about change.
I am fat, overweight and unfit. I procrastinate daily and i hardly ever finish what I start but thankfully I have managed to keep up with my "training" (excersing) and it is starting to show.
Cut out the cookies and crap, reach for a glass of water instead of a soda and go for walks. Out put must be greater than input and you will see a change, physically and mentally.
Please, we are all worried about you. I will always be here for you, I Just wish there was more I could do.
You had some quite valuable advice there.
I'm not the best to advise you with fewd, because I am careless with it too. I'll totally agrrrrrrree with the walkies! Now that you have no job, it's a chance. Make sure you have a decent pair of shoes, so you won't get tired quickly. I don't know if the weather in your area allows you to go out frequently, but you can still... get away with it by wearing the necessary clothes. Come to think of it, if it's cold you'll lose weight faster!
Oh. And see if you can join a local animal charity. That ought to assist your psychopathical... eeer, psychological state, and you'll do some service to animals too!
I'm not the best to advise you with fewd, because I am careless with it too. I'll totally agrrrrrrree with the walkies! Now that you have no job, it's a chance. Make sure you have a decent pair of shoes, so you won't get tired quickly. I don't know if the weather in your area allows you to go out frequently, but you can still... get away with it by wearing the necessary clothes. Come to think of it, if it's cold you'll lose weight faster!
Oh. And see if you can join a local animal charity. That ought to assist your psychopathical... eeer, psychological state, and you'll do some service to animals too!
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