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More from wolfy_tail
My eyes teer in anguish as I stare into the light
The burning reaching the depths of my skull
It hurts beyond realistic rhyme or reason
I understand that the pain is mandatory
And that I must stand up and face it every day
It seems as though there in no way to avoid it
I see the reflection as I stare back from the glass
That shadowy figure I call my physical self
The meaningless glare returning my penetrating stare
Watching as I clean the nights memories from my mouth
That stinging taste just seems to stain my tongue
Stagnating my thoughts that I didn't have the night before
A sigh escapes my lips as the steam envelopes my body
Sending me into a deep state of complete relaxation
"Well how mighty am I then, if this is everywhere I've been?"
The words just rotate in my head like a broken record player
Making me question my actions and regret the past
Stepping from the fog I release my thought and breath in my life
The burning reaching the depths of my skull
It hurts beyond realistic rhyme or reason
I understand that the pain is mandatory
And that I must stand up and face it every day
It seems as though there in no way to avoid it
I see the reflection as I stare back from the glass
That shadowy figure I call my physical self
The meaningless glare returning my penetrating stare
Watching as I clean the nights memories from my mouth
That stinging taste just seems to stain my tongue
Stagnating my thoughts that I didn't have the night before
A sigh escapes my lips as the steam envelopes my body
Sending me into a deep state of complete relaxation
"Well how mighty am I then, if this is everywhere I've been?"
The words just rotate in my head like a broken record player
Making me question my actions and regret the past
Stepping from the fog I release my thought and breath in my life
Category Poetry / Abstract
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 1.1 kB
On language used; "Teer" -> "tear." "There in no way" -> "there is no way." "Stagnating" doesn't work as a verb, and that whole line perplexing. "breath in my..." -> "breathe in my..." And the word "just" in "taste just seems" is unecessary and comes across badly.
Clichés are generally not strengths, but distracting, e.g., unnecessarily using "rhyme or reason," mentioning things "burning [into one's] skull," and "sigh escapes my lips." Saying something "hurts beyond realistic ...X" is also not very evocative. I give "words rotate in my head like a broken record player" a pass despite using "broken record player," because it mixes up interestingly with the "head spinning" cliché.
I do get some sense of your emotion. But it's so on-your-sleeve. Try showing anguish without telling it.
I don't find any rhythm-- no meter, and little rhyme (a few in-line rhymes that are interesting though). It seems like you're reaching for it-- the last six syllables of about half the lines consist of three iambs. It might help to try saying poems you work on aloud, and listen to the rythms.
Clichés are generally not strengths, but distracting, e.g., unnecessarily using "rhyme or reason," mentioning things "burning [into one's] skull," and "sigh escapes my lips." Saying something "hurts beyond realistic ...X" is also not very evocative. I give "words rotate in my head like a broken record player" a pass despite using "broken record player," because it mixes up interestingly with the "head spinning" cliché.
I do get some sense of your emotion. But it's so on-your-sleeve. Try showing anguish without telling it.
I don't find any rhythm-- no meter, and little rhyme (a few in-line rhymes that are interesting though). It seems like you're reaching for it-- the last six syllables of about half the lines consist of three iambs. It might help to try saying poems you work on aloud, and listen to the rythms.
Yeah, I knew there were some grammatical errors, but couldn't place them. =x..x= Hard to check grammar with only a spellchecker.
I thank you greatly for your critique. :3
Also, this was written in the back of a bus around 10 at night with rain dripping in from the open window. Just random thought really.
I thank you greatly for your critique. :3
Also, this was written in the back of a bus around 10 at night with rain dripping in from the open window. Just random thought really.
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