Very descriptive. I can almost picture how he looks even down to the facial features.

Thanks. That's kind of what I was aiming for, so good to hear.

You know... so far as content, it's all very interesting, which means I think you could easily go places with this. But the writing style itself really hinders the effect. It's all rather choppy and a little awkward. For example, I read this sentence: "Polished black shoes peek out from cover, as a silver ravenheaded cane the color of night watches warily," about three times, and I still have no idea what you mean to say. You use those verbs 'peek' and 'watches' like these are two separate characters.. but, I mean, they're shoes and a cane. I would assume they belong to him.
You seem confused as to what style you to write this in. You throw in these rather obscure and ill-fitting words (visage, for example) in there all over the place, and then it seems like you try to make an excuse for it by messing with the natural word order of the sentence in some kind of attempt to make it sound more elegant ("Underneath these clothes however is"; no reason not to put 'however' at the beginning. As it is, you're disrupting the link between the subject and the verb for no apparent reason that I can see, and so it seems a little silly and pretentious).
While it's good that you have an extensive vocabulary, you don't have to use it all. This all sounds a little purple, maybe a bit too showy to be tasteful. Back to that previous example, no need to say 'visage' when you could just use 'face' (and, in fact, 'visage' in English actually means something more like 'countenance' or 'appearance', so how you used it isn't entirely accurate anyway). It would also help if you cut out about half the adjectives and adverbs and only kept what was really important. For example, any time you see a 'very' or a 'rather', get rid of it.
Be careful not to let your sentences run on too long. Here's a good example: "The head feathers or ''hair'' are dark like black velvet, but scintillates a subtle blue when light catches it just right and are, ironically, untamed and unruly, the mane-like quills long and pointed which droop down a little constantly." This monster has such a complex structure, a lot of folks are gonna' have to read it twice to get the whole gist of it, and you don't want that.
I guess, in general, I get the feeling you're trying to emulate a style, rather than using your own. You can decide whether or not I'm right about that, but that's how it comes across. If that is the case, well... don't. Just write this like you'd write an e-mail to a friend, but adding in little interesting trinkets like metaphors and poetical phraseology and the like to spice it up into something more interesting to read. If that's not the case, then just be careful you don't go overboard.

Hopefully that helps.
~Frank

Thanks, duly noted and observed.

A note on the cane bit, I spent a while trying to figure out how to word it, and eventually just gave up in favor for what it is now.


I'll re-read that over a few times and see if I can't fine tune my writing, much appreciated.


Admittedly the writing is spiked a little, as I tried to make each character bio sound in a different style. My Metroid-esque character for example has a bio that sounds like a data file.