I like that it's short and fairly evocative. But the individual lines are awfully ambiguous, it might be well to include the kind of punctuation (like commas) that show how you'd say this aloud.

There isn't really any meter, and outside of the in-line rhyme in the first line, not much rhyme. I realize sometimes people treat poetry as a series of stream-of-consciousness utterances. Poetry really is more than that though.

i thank you for your thoughts but this is only the first draft