I have this knee jerk reaction with just about anyone. The urge to really constrain myself. Hey none of us are perfect right? I get scared making jokes around people. I'm actually very...bouncy... silly, some might even say crazy if there is such a thing.

I hold in a lot of things when I talk with people though. Just do my best... When they go quiet I feel like I did something wrong and I know, I know... I keep it together and just...act accordingly. It's hard some evenings. I haven't shown that many people in my life the way I feel. Eventually I'll work up the nerve....eventually. I've been conditioned for this since I can remember.

A lot of my time has been spent against myself..so when I find the things that make me happy I feel guilty that I'm still miserable inside. It's that whole feeling terrible for feeling terrible. It takes time. It will always take time. Contrary to belief the fear and sadness doesn't go away. ever. You just..learn to appreciate it, even use it...grow hope from it. I'm sad deep down inside. I'm as sad as I am happy. Alone and isolated on a rock that some days isn't so bad and others...it's terrible..

When the kind souls rest with me on it even for a little, I feel a little better. It doesn't last but that's what makes it so valuable. Dear souls, admire the strength you have. Some of us are on the edge, sometimes believing we're alone always even when we know better. You and me..we're very much alike in the ways that matter most. You and I..we hurt in a similar way too so I want you to know...you're my soft spot just as much as you may believe I'm yours.