I were schweepin' the cabwebs off'n my shed one day and a rolled up leaf come down and revealez isself to be conseelin' this beautiful terror.

Pictures were mandatory and I took a bunch, many of which were lousy, but still showed a very large and colorful spider. I had never seen this species; to my knowledge the only one close in stature around here is the yellow garden spider (Argiope aurantia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Argiope_aurantia) which is another colorful and imposing arachnid.

Later I told my fox about the colorful spider and he quickly identified it online as the marbled orb weaver spider: Araneus marmoreus.

This one is a female, which is considerably larger than the male. She was rather lethargic mostly, probably owing to the cool temperature that day. To look at her, it is a marvel how they can hunt as they are so ungainly. The web does most of the work fortunately as the abdomen of this species is so comically large that when she clung to the side of a tree or my shed, its mass dragged unmercifully at her whenever she moved parallel to the ground (see bottom 2 photos) and threatened to send her plummeting earthward (a risk which she actually did succumb to several times as I observed her).

While Araneus marmoreus is venomous of course, it is not generally a threat, carrying a sting likely on par with a honey bee. It's venom is used for it's tiny prey for which it is suitably effective.

While this one is a pretty orange-yellow, individuals can also be mostly white with other colors forming the marbled patterns. It is suggested that they may even change hue with the seasons and I think I saw it referred to as the "pumpkin spider" among it's more endearing references.

As far as it biting me, it seemed very disinclined, generally non-aggressive and apparently possessed of few offenses or defenses, tending to drop brick-like to the ground when disturbed.

It was a fascinating creature and I found it rather cute and charming, though let it be known, if I found one on my arm, chance of shorts-soilings would rise significantly in the immediate area.