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Sans was power... He did everything he could to prevent your actions, but failed.
Toriel was your company. She's the one that took care of you and kept you company in the beginning...
I know it's dumb to take games seriously but I'm about to vent so just leave if you don't care about how I feel or don't know how to handle people that are realistically depressed, not the ones that can't have what they want but ones that don't have the ability to be self-sufficient. I don't want to ruin your mood or ask for your help if you can't help.
I was asked what made me happy and I had a hard time saying that. I mean, there are things that would make me smile like jokes and such, puns and silly stuff. Or maybe I'd feel satisfied with more adult things, but no.
What makes me happy is power and company. Power because it means I have an ability to do something. But not just do something like talk to people or do excercise, those are things I'm glad I'm able to do, but I mean something with a purpose. For a future.
Power to do something for my future may be in my own hands, but the future I want is unclear because I don't know how to get there, really, to just keep doing art consistently though I don't think I can suport myself with that. The other problem I have is knowing what to do when I can't do what I wanted and there's no real option to JUST DO IT! Sans had the power to do many things, but when he was overpowered, because relative to everyone else, he was the most powerful character, he kept trying and trying. Determination was a theme in the game Undertale. But what do you do when all you can literally do is nothing? This is how I feel.
I don't have the power to do a lot of things, and the motivation thereof. Sans did it because of a belief he had, to stop Chara from destroying everything, and turning everything into nothingness because he wanted absolute power. This... is pointless. Even Chara knows this, and so he offers to restore everything. But the cost is too great, so doing the wrong thing is bad, which is how it should be.
The real problem comes when you have such a power like sans, or rather, any power in the first place, and it's basically null and void. You can't do anything about it to use it for anything, really. Sans can only hope and help someone else to do what he can't do himself. There's a greater purpose to the story, but of course, it's only a game.
Throughout my life I was denied a lot of things. Attention. Friends. A teacher of life lessons. General stuff. But it became more personal when I kept being denied friends, someone to play with, a future to build, a path to actually follow that wasn't "do what you want to do" because I want to do some things some times, but that's not what I should do. I became a computer/gaming freak where all I did with so much of my time was play games or watch videos on youtube or whatever. I didn't learn much, I just entertained myself to pass the time, hoping something would change. Nothing's really changed.
More problems arose when my parents became seperated because the "love" they had was gone. To be raised by parents that don't love each other still conflicts me... I am so fucking angry but I can't be angry. I don't want to hurt others or feel hurt. I don't want to even annoy others. But it happens anyway with how naive I am when it comes to talking with others, talking about random things I can't really talk to anyone else normally. I don't think you would like me either if I came up to your group of friends and come in saying "Oh cool, are you talking about pokemon?". I never got into a clique or into another group of friends because they never really felt like I could be honest with them. I normally just stayed by my lonesome because I hate knowing that I wouldn't keep any of the friends I made. Well, that I could really keep physical contact with.
In school I couldn't really keep grades up, because I felt like I was either a bother, or nobody could take the time to teach me something or tell me what I'm doing wrong. Do you know how stupid it is for people to expect you to know anything? Literally ANYTHING? Curse of knowledge afflicts everyone. If I didn't know how to write cursive, that's because it wasn't taught to me, not because I'm retarded or anything like that. Yes, many people were taught to write and read cursive, but I grew up with print handwriting. That's just an example, though. I know how to write cursive... Just not so well that it looks like someone made the prettiest chicken-scratch ever. I wish you could be taught what you wanted, but that's just not possible when everyone treats you like a kid and forces a certain form of education on you.
So yeah, I have problems wanting to do things because I felt powerless, and possibly pointless because I can't or didn't know how to do things. And without people to support me except for my "loving" parents...
... Hahah... that's not funny. But laughing keeps the pain away...
Anyway, without much support for my future, my parents always said "i'm an intelligent child", they assumed I didn't need help... Assumption is the mother of all chaos. I'm nothing like my sister. I had no friends or even relatives I could really be close to. All the cousins I had were boys that I didn't share anything in common with, too old, too young, and were mainly girls that my sister had more time to spend with than myself. I grew up basically alone. I didn't have anyone to really relate to. Father was hard working, not much time was spent with me. Any friends I made I kept away from my own heart because sharing it would break me even more at that point because I knew they'd be gone later. And I was right...
...anyway, I did eventually fall in love... That was also pointless. The girl I loved is now married in California while I'm stuck here in Florida. It didn't hurt me as much as I thought because, I was used to this. But that feeling of affection love and endearment is still something I wish I at least had today. I know I'd be happier if someone would hold me close and be someone I could confide in. I just have my parents and they are from a different era and just... not going to appreciate me telling them how weird I am or what my strange interests are, or the fact that my mother thought drawing was the reason I couldn't do schoolwork. She did end up throwing a lot of my old art away... I drew because I was emotionally sensitive and didn't care about learning anything that wasn't going to make me feel better first. Priorities.
Doing that, destroying my art that I cared about more than anything else I had, hurt me so much. It basically overtook anything I liked about her. I realized she was clueless about how to let a child grow up instead of literally let them keep going forward. I'm nice, I'm obedient, I'm just, not wanting to worry about anything. I always want to just calm down. I can get stressed really easily because of my own thoughts. Ignoring them is literally my own job. Keeping depression away by relaxing, calming down, ignoring things, distracting myself... It is the only thing I can do now. I can barely stand the idea of talking to strangers, knowing how ignorant and instinctually foolish they can be because they only think of themselves and what's theirs, being close minded to what they believe and disrespecting anything they didn't believe that had nothing to do with them or affected them in any way. Selfish people are the worst. Or rather, selectively selfish.
I say selectively, because they care about their family, but not other people that have more problems and only expect everything to be business. People are not robots. Sadly, they don't care. Nobody cares about the condition of the people that work at jobs, one being at restaurants, fast food or otherwise. They just expect everything to be amazing. News Flash: People can't solve your problems just because you throw money at them, and even then, people are stingy with money, so things like tips aren't very significant. A car doesn't cost a mere 100 dollars, and people need to buy food, toiletries, water and electricity, deal with Air Conditioning, cleaning products, gas for the car, the car itself, housing, and of course, entertainment mostly, because God knows if I had no internet, I'd probably be desperate for an answer, so desperate that hurting people and being selfish would become my lifestyle... Ugh.
So right now, I'm just... needing money, wanting to draw, and needing to make a future. I tried making clickbank, thought of commissions, even a patreon, but do you know how demoralizing it is to see how many people are doing the same thing? Getting a job isn't easy when you're so late in the game and considered unworthy of working somewhere because "This other guy has experience" or a bunch of other reasons that are aggravating and not helping me at all. I signed up for college but paying for it seems like a dream, and the work ethic for some classes having nothing to do with what I want to do is something I despise. When the hell did I need to know in my own brain how to do anything beyond what I learned in 3rd grade with math, history, science, whatever? Everything is written in books, hell, calculators exist! Why do I need to know more than how to do it? All that leaves is just me doing it!
...all I would like is some help. But I know that won't happen. And if it comes, I will never believe it until it creates the future where I look back on and appreciate it... Suck it up and keep going? Yeah sure, tell that to someone that believes that he's pointless because everything he does has already been done a million times better by people a million times more capable than him. Otherwise, just help me. Because nobody is going to come to my house, give me a hug, and say "I know exactly what you should do".
One more problem... "Why do I feel afraid of doing it?" Because that is the main reason I can't do so many things. I am afraid, and I don't have help. All I can do is wait for help to come, to notice I need it, and not judge me for what I want to do... I can't go online and find that person like it's that easy without complications. So... I'm just waiting to either keel over and die or find an Undyne that I can imitate to give it my all and actually spend time with me. I don't want to be here. I don't know what to do. I can't figure it out. I need help.
Toriel was your company. She's the one that took care of you and kept you company in the beginning...
I know it's dumb to take games seriously but I'm about to vent so just leave if you don't care about how I feel or don't know how to handle people that are realistically depressed, not the ones that can't have what they want but ones that don't have the ability to be self-sufficient. I don't want to ruin your mood or ask for your help if you can't help.
I was asked what made me happy and I had a hard time saying that. I mean, there are things that would make me smile like jokes and such, puns and silly stuff. Or maybe I'd feel satisfied with more adult things, but no.
What makes me happy is power and company. Power because it means I have an ability to do something. But not just do something like talk to people or do excercise, those are things I'm glad I'm able to do, but I mean something with a purpose. For a future.
Power to do something for my future may be in my own hands, but the future I want is unclear because I don't know how to get there, really, to just keep doing art consistently though I don't think I can suport myself with that. The other problem I have is knowing what to do when I can't do what I wanted and there's no real option to JUST DO IT! Sans had the power to do many things, but when he was overpowered, because relative to everyone else, he was the most powerful character, he kept trying and trying. Determination was a theme in the game Undertale. But what do you do when all you can literally do is nothing? This is how I feel.
I don't have the power to do a lot of things, and the motivation thereof. Sans did it because of a belief he had, to stop Chara from destroying everything, and turning everything into nothingness because he wanted absolute power. This... is pointless. Even Chara knows this, and so he offers to restore everything. But the cost is too great, so doing the wrong thing is bad, which is how it should be.
The real problem comes when you have such a power like sans, or rather, any power in the first place, and it's basically null and void. You can't do anything about it to use it for anything, really. Sans can only hope and help someone else to do what he can't do himself. There's a greater purpose to the story, but of course, it's only a game.
Throughout my life I was denied a lot of things. Attention. Friends. A teacher of life lessons. General stuff. But it became more personal when I kept being denied friends, someone to play with, a future to build, a path to actually follow that wasn't "do what you want to do" because I want to do some things some times, but that's not what I should do. I became a computer/gaming freak where all I did with so much of my time was play games or watch videos on youtube or whatever. I didn't learn much, I just entertained myself to pass the time, hoping something would change. Nothing's really changed.
More problems arose when my parents became seperated because the "love" they had was gone. To be raised by parents that don't love each other still conflicts me... I am so fucking angry but I can't be angry. I don't want to hurt others or feel hurt. I don't want to even annoy others. But it happens anyway with how naive I am when it comes to talking with others, talking about random things I can't really talk to anyone else normally. I don't think you would like me either if I came up to your group of friends and come in saying "Oh cool, are you talking about pokemon?". I never got into a clique or into another group of friends because they never really felt like I could be honest with them. I normally just stayed by my lonesome because I hate knowing that I wouldn't keep any of the friends I made. Well, that I could really keep physical contact with.
In school I couldn't really keep grades up, because I felt like I was either a bother, or nobody could take the time to teach me something or tell me what I'm doing wrong. Do you know how stupid it is for people to expect you to know anything? Literally ANYTHING? Curse of knowledge afflicts everyone. If I didn't know how to write cursive, that's because it wasn't taught to me, not because I'm retarded or anything like that. Yes, many people were taught to write and read cursive, but I grew up with print handwriting. That's just an example, though. I know how to write cursive... Just not so well that it looks like someone made the prettiest chicken-scratch ever. I wish you could be taught what you wanted, but that's just not possible when everyone treats you like a kid and forces a certain form of education on you.
So yeah, I have problems wanting to do things because I felt powerless, and possibly pointless because I can't or didn't know how to do things. And without people to support me except for my "loving" parents...
... Hahah... that's not funny. But laughing keeps the pain away...
Anyway, without much support for my future, my parents always said "i'm an intelligent child", they assumed I didn't need help... Assumption is the mother of all chaos. I'm nothing like my sister. I had no friends or even relatives I could really be close to. All the cousins I had were boys that I didn't share anything in common with, too old, too young, and were mainly girls that my sister had more time to spend with than myself. I grew up basically alone. I didn't have anyone to really relate to. Father was hard working, not much time was spent with me. Any friends I made I kept away from my own heart because sharing it would break me even more at that point because I knew they'd be gone later. And I was right...
...anyway, I did eventually fall in love... That was also pointless. The girl I loved is now married in California while I'm stuck here in Florida. It didn't hurt me as much as I thought because, I was used to this. But that feeling of affection love and endearment is still something I wish I at least had today. I know I'd be happier if someone would hold me close and be someone I could confide in. I just have my parents and they are from a different era and just... not going to appreciate me telling them how weird I am or what my strange interests are, or the fact that my mother thought drawing was the reason I couldn't do schoolwork. She did end up throwing a lot of my old art away... I drew because I was emotionally sensitive and didn't care about learning anything that wasn't going to make me feel better first. Priorities.
Doing that, destroying my art that I cared about more than anything else I had, hurt me so much. It basically overtook anything I liked about her. I realized she was clueless about how to let a child grow up instead of literally let them keep going forward. I'm nice, I'm obedient, I'm just, not wanting to worry about anything. I always want to just calm down. I can get stressed really easily because of my own thoughts. Ignoring them is literally my own job. Keeping depression away by relaxing, calming down, ignoring things, distracting myself... It is the only thing I can do now. I can barely stand the idea of talking to strangers, knowing how ignorant and instinctually foolish they can be because they only think of themselves and what's theirs, being close minded to what they believe and disrespecting anything they didn't believe that had nothing to do with them or affected them in any way. Selfish people are the worst. Or rather, selectively selfish.
I say selectively, because they care about their family, but not other people that have more problems and only expect everything to be business. People are not robots. Sadly, they don't care. Nobody cares about the condition of the people that work at jobs, one being at restaurants, fast food or otherwise. They just expect everything to be amazing. News Flash: People can't solve your problems just because you throw money at them, and even then, people are stingy with money, so things like tips aren't very significant. A car doesn't cost a mere 100 dollars, and people need to buy food, toiletries, water and electricity, deal with Air Conditioning, cleaning products, gas for the car, the car itself, housing, and of course, entertainment mostly, because God knows if I had no internet, I'd probably be desperate for an answer, so desperate that hurting people and being selfish would become my lifestyle... Ugh.
So right now, I'm just... needing money, wanting to draw, and needing to make a future. I tried making clickbank, thought of commissions, even a patreon, but do you know how demoralizing it is to see how many people are doing the same thing? Getting a job isn't easy when you're so late in the game and considered unworthy of working somewhere because "This other guy has experience" or a bunch of other reasons that are aggravating and not helping me at all. I signed up for college but paying for it seems like a dream, and the work ethic for some classes having nothing to do with what I want to do is something I despise. When the hell did I need to know in my own brain how to do anything beyond what I learned in 3rd grade with math, history, science, whatever? Everything is written in books, hell, calculators exist! Why do I need to know more than how to do it? All that leaves is just me doing it!
...all I would like is some help. But I know that won't happen. And if it comes, I will never believe it until it creates the future where I look back on and appreciate it... Suck it up and keep going? Yeah sure, tell that to someone that believes that he's pointless because everything he does has already been done a million times better by people a million times more capable than him. Otherwise, just help me. Because nobody is going to come to my house, give me a hug, and say "I know exactly what you should do".
One more problem... "Why do I feel afraid of doing it?" Because that is the main reason I can't do so many things. I am afraid, and I don't have help. All I can do is wait for help to come, to notice I need it, and not judge me for what I want to do... I can't go online and find that person like it's that easy without complications. So... I'm just waiting to either keel over and die or find an Undyne that I can imitate to give it my all and actually spend time with me. I don't want to be here. I don't know what to do. I can't figure it out. I need help.
Category Artwork (Digital) / All
Species Unspecified / Any
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File Size 200.2 kB
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