Not many people know how hard it is for me to just find the motivation to get up anymore. My anxiety is ever growing, to the point where I don't even like walking down the hallways of my school because voices in my head scream at me how worthless, ugly, and pathetic I am. To the few I do trust, I can be very clingy around because I don't even trust that they hate me and just stay around because they're guilty to leave me on my own. I'm a burden and a useless one at that. I used to have very high grades, and now I'm struggling to keep my head above the water this semester. My parents don't understand at all and often scream at me and have damaged me mentally and emotionally for most of my life. It doesn't matter how many people call me beautiful, smart, funny, amazing, etc. on the inside I know I'm not and I can't keep the voices of anxiety and depression from dictating what I do and how I feel any more.

I've been struggling through life lately, but the past few days have been unbearable. My mate, who I've been with for two years, may be leaving me. He has cheated on me twice, which just adds to my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness more and more. But now he says he's numb and he can barely utter "I love you" to me. I never once took his love for granted, but I also never realized how much I have grown to depend on his love and security until now when I have neither. He says he's scared because he knows he'll never find someone that loves him the way I do, as he's always described my love as blissful and inhuman. He no longer sacrifices anything for me, he no longer seems to care whether I'm crying in agony or staring at a wall with a blank expression. I've never been in this much pain, and that is saying quite a lot. I've been in an abusice relationship as well, but the pain from that was nothing compared to this. My world is crashing down around me and I don't know how I'll be strong anymore. I want my mate back the way he was before this all happened. I'm tired of feeling so alone.

I'm beyond frustrated with my mental problems. I have zero help for my anxiety and depression and it is now taking a noticeable toll on me. I don't eat much. All I want is to lay in bed, but then my mind is flooded with the thoughts of everything I have to do and I make myself sick. I need constant reassurance that I'm truly loved and people aren't laughing or hating on me behind my back. I went from one of the top students in the school to a girl that won't even look her professors in the eye. I have friends but they aren't really friends.. I can't tell them any of this. I have a best friend, but I don't know how to explain this to her either. I have no idea what I'm going to do in the future, as my plans for a while now were to go down to live with my mate by the art college I want to go and just let life go as it should. But this was never planned. I never planned on being crippled by mental disorders I don't ever understand, I never planned on being this person, and I never planned on the man that I have given everything to betraying me and allowing me to be so alone during this time. I am not me. I am a bleeding, useless shell of the girl I once was.

Everything is hard on me. Even art is difficult sometimes, though I often turn to drawing as an outlet for my stress and brokenness. I don't know if and when anything will start looking better for me. As of right now, I'm struggling to keep breathing.


This song is what I can't stop listening to. After two years of being with someone that you shared everything with, countless happy memories, all those laughs and inside jokes, all the nights I cried to him in the throws of my anxiety and all the hours I spent listening to him break down about things he's never told anyone but me, all the songs we loved and all the intimate times we had. I am lost. There is not other way to describe it.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

My Immortal is by Evanescence

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