I don't normally draw things like this, but over the last few months my mind has been becoming more and more against myself. Racing thought. Painful memories. Fears and phobias. Anxiety, depression, and pure paranoia.
I have never been very good at wording things, and have experienced plenty of times where pleads for help were simply used to guilt or persuade me to keep it all locked it, and that if they are heard at all. This is likely were alot of my cynicism comes from, being told to just shut up and deal with it like some kind of mindless drone. And the more I hold these in, the more they fuel themselves, dragging my already fragile mood and emotional state lower and lower.
So I made this to get some of the thought out of my head, some of the things I've been called or thought over the years. Whether it be the yelling and screaming from when I was a child that has left me terrified of people's anger, the lack of sympathy I faced at school despite being accident prone (being called a faker for wearing a sling several times and nobody would believe they were real injuries), people's unfairly strict standards, and just my mind assaulting myself for no real reasons.
I hate it when my mind reminds me of those times, I get angry, I get sad. I can't speak, words jumble together, sense in them vanish. My arms and body shake, I feel overheated and anxious. Sometime I get physically ill, or forget to eat and or drink more water. I just feel a primal need to run away and find someplace safe to hide and calm down. And after I calm down, I don't feel better, just numb and hollowed out for awhile. And even when I do feel better, I can't say that's true, it's more like I just forgot it or repressed it. Either way it doesn't help.
But it was good to get this all off my chest, and happy holidays everyone.