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I'm sorry to vent like this on such a public profile, but there's something terribly uncomfortable to me about opening up to someone one on one. This way, I can pretend I'm just typing to myself and no one else will see. You don't need to say anything. It's just nice to vent, somewhere. When I talk to someone directly, they always feel like they have to say something, or try to make me feel better, or it's just awkward. There's not really anything you can say, though.
People keep calling me up to tell me they're sorry and that now I "can move on; at least the suffering is over." I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't try to help you sooner. I'm sorry you had to fight for so long, only to end up losing. I don't want to move on without you. We were supposed to move on together. You were supposed to get better. Then you'd sell your house and move here permanently. Preferably somewhere close enough to come by to see us often, but far enough that you'd have room for horses.
You'd come back to work for us and we'd all get rich and relax. When Elijah was old enough, you'd take him out to a lake and teach him to fish, even though I'd tell you I don't like it when you kill animals. We'd compromise and you'd only hunt or fish with the intentions to eat it. We'd go on vacation in the winter and you'd hunt a deer and finally let me taste it. I had a woman picked out for you to fall in love with. You were already starting to like her. I just had to get her to see how great you were. You'd get married, and we'd all be one big happy family. You'd come to all of our holiday parties, play with the grandkids.
I'm relieved that you're not suffering anymore, I really am. But it's such an unsatisfying end. You suffered your entire life. I remember how terrible I felt a few months ago when we were reflecting on things and you said you wasted your life. You really did and that's such a sad thought. I was excited about the future we were going to build together. If you only had 10 years left, I wanted to fill those last 10 years with as much love and happiness as I could, to make up for the previous decades of misery, loneliness, misunderstandings, fights, depression. This is why it's so hard for me. The suffering is over, but there was never any redemption.
My life will go on. My life will be great. It gets better every day. I just wish I could've shared it with you for a little bit longer. I'm really happy you came back into my life these past two years. I'm happy that I was able to be there for you when you needed it the most. Even though there was tension, and struggles, and I was horribly overwhelmed and stressed, I was happy knowing that I was helping to make the best of your situation. Reflecting back, I'm wondering if I could've done more. I'm sure everyone wonders that, though. Either way, I'm happy to have had that time with you, even though it was marred by pain, illness and difficulties. I'd prefer that over you going through it alone.
November 28th, you left my house and went to the hospital.
December 10th, you left the hospital and went to hospice.
December 27th, you left hospice and went up to heaven.
Rest in peace, daddy. You are dearly loved.
Music
Paul Mac wrote:And though you know this day will come,
You never know how hard 'til it's done
Sunk in mud and locked in time
Your face a tattoo on my mind
Light your candles, pray to space
Whatever gets you through this place
And hold that memory for the rest
Of whatever forever we have left
And when it all just seems too much
Gravity weighs until it bends
and I would give everything I've got
Just to hear you laugh again
From a photo, there's that smile
Your child a copy of your eyes
And you are still alive
As long as I am
Uncolored
I always planned on coloring this, but never did get around to it at the time.
People keep calling me up to tell me they're sorry and that now I "can move on; at least the suffering is over." I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't try to help you sooner. I'm sorry you had to fight for so long, only to end up losing. I don't want to move on without you. We were supposed to move on together. You were supposed to get better. Then you'd sell your house and move here permanently. Preferably somewhere close enough to come by to see us often, but far enough that you'd have room for horses.
You'd come back to work for us and we'd all get rich and relax. When Elijah was old enough, you'd take him out to a lake and teach him to fish, even though I'd tell you I don't like it when you kill animals. We'd compromise and you'd only hunt or fish with the intentions to eat it. We'd go on vacation in the winter and you'd hunt a deer and finally let me taste it. I had a woman picked out for you to fall in love with. You were already starting to like her. I just had to get her to see how great you were. You'd get married, and we'd all be one big happy family. You'd come to all of our holiday parties, play with the grandkids.
I'm relieved that you're not suffering anymore, I really am. But it's such an unsatisfying end. You suffered your entire life. I remember how terrible I felt a few months ago when we were reflecting on things and you said you wasted your life. You really did and that's such a sad thought. I was excited about the future we were going to build together. If you only had 10 years left, I wanted to fill those last 10 years with as much love and happiness as I could, to make up for the previous decades of misery, loneliness, misunderstandings, fights, depression. This is why it's so hard for me. The suffering is over, but there was never any redemption.
My life will go on. My life will be great. It gets better every day. I just wish I could've shared it with you for a little bit longer. I'm really happy you came back into my life these past two years. I'm happy that I was able to be there for you when you needed it the most. Even though there was tension, and struggles, and I was horribly overwhelmed and stressed, I was happy knowing that I was helping to make the best of your situation. Reflecting back, I'm wondering if I could've done more. I'm sure everyone wonders that, though. Either way, I'm happy to have had that time with you, even though it was marred by pain, illness and difficulties. I'd prefer that over you going through it alone.
November 28th, you left my house and went to the hospital.
December 10th, you left the hospital and went to hospice.
December 27th, you left hospice and went up to heaven.
Rest in peace, daddy. You are dearly loved.
Music
Paul Mac wrote:And though you know this day will come,
You never know how hard 'til it's done
Sunk in mud and locked in time
Your face a tattoo on my mind
Light your candles, pray to space
Whatever gets you through this place
And hold that memory for the rest
Of whatever forever we have left
And when it all just seems too much
Gravity weighs until it bends
and I would give everything I've got
Just to hear you laugh again
From a photo, there's that smile
Your child a copy of your eyes
And you are still alive
As long as I am
Uncolored
I always planned on coloring this, but never did get around to it at the time.
Thanks for looking! Comments appreciated. :)
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Category All / All
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Size 853 x 1280px
File Size 99.1 kB
wow, I honestly couldn't say anything, even if I tried to say something meaningful because I feel like the only words I know would sound like an ass. wether it's just me or not.
but, yeah, I think atleast the best thing anyone could do is vent, and I'm more than sure you'd have many people you trust that would lend you an ear.
but, yeah, I think atleast the best thing anyone could do is vent, and I'm more than sure you'd have many people you trust that would lend you an ear.
Just, be strong, this is what he'd want you to do. Stay strong! It's obvious by the way you wrote this, that you're able to see things clearly. Only you know what's in your heart, but that's a great skill to start with. Keep at it, keep going. This is a part of life, and remember, every parent loves their child... even if his own situation wasn't so good, to see you healthy and strong, that would give him power to keep going and feel at peace deep inside. He was there for you too when you needed him most... when you were little. You were there for him now... you did this with love, you did this because you're a great person, and that's why you shouldn't feel like you haven't done enough. This is how life is, you did what you could and felt like doing, and from these words, I can tell you did great! You're a great child to your parent... Best wishes and may he rest in peace. I would congratulate him for bringing a person like you into this world... I've seen and experienced horrible things... and a case like yours always helps me calm down and believe in myself and us
i feel like an ass doing this since its my personal policy to never respond to these things especially when they say they are venting and dont want replies... but i dont think anyone should be expected to move on from something like that quickly or even at all. its not something you can just pick up and move on from. ive never experienced it so i cant speak from personal knowledge all i can say is that venting was probably one of the best choices out there and doing it in the way thats most comfortable probably made it easier. im sorry for adding my comment here i really should shut up sometimes... i just want to see everyone i can be able to smile now and then.
That's probably the best comment anyone could make in this instance, so don't worry about it. I think some people just don't know what to say, so that's the best they can come up with. I know they say it out of love, so I don't hold it against them, but I wish it were that easy. What actually was awful to hear was while he was still alive. Any time someone would find out, I'd often get "Oh, he's going to be okay. Don't worry". He was well past the point of ever getting better. Anyone who saw him knew he was not going to get better, but people, some who didn't even know what the issue was, (and worse, those who did) felt that somehow, telling me he would get better would lift my spirits. It just made us feel worse. It was a reminder that some people do get better, but not him. I don't think I'd ever have said that to someone before, but now I've learned from experience that you never give someone false hope unless you're 100% sure that's what they want to hear.
I lost my grandad who lived with us for like ten years three years ago now, and there isn't a single week that goes past that I don't think of him and regret is not taking some of the comments he made more seriously. When he said he was in pain dad dismissed it as nothing only later did we find his nurses had neglected to change bandages and a wound was becoming infected. His passing away was sudden as well. We were told three years and so with his blessing went on holiday as he had respite at a hospice. He died the week we came back, less than three weeks since being told three years. I beat myself up all the fucking time over a stupid box of Turkish delight I left at home when we first went to see him at the hospice. I promised him I would bring it the next day, but little did I know that that was the last time I would ever see him lucid.
It fucking hurts losing someone you love, so whilst yes their pain is over it doesn't mean yours can just flutter out the window. I remember when we were comforting my dad my idiot brother told him to "stay strong, big guy" as my dad sobbed. It stopped him right in his tears but before he could strangle my brother, my youngest brother and I literally went "we got this" and told him to get the fuck out and think about what he is saying. Chased him out the bloody house to stop dad whaling on him. Those comments are not helpful. Neither is being told to "get over it" or whatnot, so I relate very much so to what you wrote.
What does bring me comfort is that my auntie was there when he passed at the hospice. It was about 1am and she smelled suddenly a floral perfume and assumed it was my cousin's girlfriends. She went to say ease up on it because it was so strong, and in the two minutes she left the room grandad snuck off and passed away peacefully. It was then she recognised the smell; it was her mother's perfume who had died 30 years ago. As far as we care now Nan came and got him and took him home. Now whenever something goes missing or unexpected happens we say grandad is there and it is a comforting thought haha
I hope you can find comforts that help you find peace with his passing, but the journey on that path is still so fresh. I wish you luck on it.
It fucking hurts losing someone you love, so whilst yes their pain is over it doesn't mean yours can just flutter out the window. I remember when we were comforting my dad my idiot brother told him to "stay strong, big guy" as my dad sobbed. It stopped him right in his tears but before he could strangle my brother, my youngest brother and I literally went "we got this" and told him to get the fuck out and think about what he is saying. Chased him out the bloody house to stop dad whaling on him. Those comments are not helpful. Neither is being told to "get over it" or whatnot, so I relate very much so to what you wrote.
What does bring me comfort is that my auntie was there when he passed at the hospice. It was about 1am and she smelled suddenly a floral perfume and assumed it was my cousin's girlfriends. She went to say ease up on it because it was so strong, and in the two minutes she left the room grandad snuck off and passed away peacefully. It was then she recognised the smell; it was her mother's perfume who had died 30 years ago. As far as we care now Nan came and got him and took him home. Now whenever something goes missing or unexpected happens we say grandad is there and it is a comforting thought haha
I hope you can find comforts that help you find peace with his passing, but the journey on that path is still so fresh. I wish you luck on it.
Ahhh, those last regrets. I My grandmother had come down from Maryland, expecting him to pass sooner. She stayed with a week and really frustrated me to tears the entire time she was here. She left on the 21st, but I carried the stress of her visit for the rest of the week. We went to my sister-in-laws house on Christmas. Once we were done with that, I went home and just relaxed. I needed the whole 26th to recuperate from all of the social interactions and did not go to see my dad and I regret it so much. That night, specifically 1 AM on the 27th, is when he passed. 11 PM, I made that post on Facebook about being afraid he'd pass soon and I really thought about going to see him, but Jason and Elijah were both sleeping, so I stayed home. And then he passed, hours later. If it hadn't been the holidays, I would've still be seeing him everyday and I would've noticed that his feet were purple and would've known he was close. @_@ The nurses say that someone was with him when he passed, so I'm trying to believe them. It may not have been someone he knew and loved, but at least he wasn't completely alone.
I knew he was dying for awhile now. At the very least, I knew when he went into hospice. The first few days he was there, he was still pretty lucid. I could've told him how proud of him I was for getting through his alcoholism a decade ago, how I admired his strength and dedication to his beliefs. I could've said so much, but it didn't occur to me. And now that he's gone, I realize how much I wanted to say to him. I was caring for him as his personal nurse, all hours of the day and night, for the 3 months he was living with me before December, and he was very irritable because of the pain, and at times, we'd fight and things would be tense for a few days. However, he had told me a few times just how appreciative he was for my help, so I'm trying to focus on that. I couldn't do anything about the cancer, but I made him as comfortable as possible and showed him through my actions how much I cared. I did what I could. Gotta remember that.
I knew he was dying for awhile now. At the very least, I knew when he went into hospice. The first few days he was there, he was still pretty lucid. I could've told him how proud of him I was for getting through his alcoholism a decade ago, how I admired his strength and dedication to his beliefs. I could've said so much, but it didn't occur to me. And now that he's gone, I realize how much I wanted to say to him. I was caring for him as his personal nurse, all hours of the day and night, for the 3 months he was living with me before December, and he was very irritable because of the pain, and at times, we'd fight and things would be tense for a few days. However, he had told me a few times just how appreciative he was for my help, so I'm trying to focus on that. I couldn't do anything about the cancer, but I made him as comfortable as possible and showed him through my actions how much I cared. I did what I could. Gotta remember that.
Had to be during the holidays as well... My condolences. I can really only imagine what it feels like... I mean I know how being cheated on feels like; the emptiness, that ball in your stomach, like if you didn't know whether you feel like crying, doing something to change your mind or really nothing at all. I can imagine it's a similar feeling. Accompanied by the rush of thoughts such as the "should have"'s and "shouldn't have"'s.
One thing I can say is this : Look at the truth in the eyes and don't be afraid to let it in or to let your feelings out. It might be harder to swallow at first but will help the "wound" heal faster. Basically the goal is to accept it. What happened, happened and you can't change it.
One thing I can say is this : Look at the truth in the eyes and don't be afraid to let it in or to let your feelings out. It might be harder to swallow at first but will help the "wound" heal faster. Basically the goal is to accept it. What happened, happened and you can't change it.
Having seen your journals for a long time now I knew that you'd gone through so much over the last few years. So many things have changed for you, but from what I have always seen you've kept taking these changes and adapting. You're clearly a very strong person, maybe with a few "issues" that you've highlighted openly in the past, like most of us (I know from experience how depression and social anxieties work with regards to dealing with people and changes), but even so you've done a great job in every situation because you're still standing and you seem to make things work out in whatever way you can. You may not feel like you've done enough, or maybe you feel you could have done more and done things differently... but the fact is you did your absolute best, you cannot change anything that you did or said in the past... so you need to be kind to yourself and accept that it's all said and done and that no matter what choices you made you'd still be sat here feeling exactly the same.
I've only experienced the loss of my grandparents who were not in my life that much so I cannot understand exactly how you feel, although I have lost people in other ways which can sometimes be very similar... so I at least empathise with how you must feel and what you must be going through. You can't just move on, it isn't like that... you will get through this in your own way and don't let anyone make you do anything. Don't push or force. You just have to put things into perspective and order in your own way, in your own time... and it will happen as time passes at its own pace. It will take a long time, but it will get "easier". You have people in your life who will pick you up time and time again and will carry you when you're too tired to move forward... a beautiful little boy who needs you and depends on you and who can only love you. It will all guide you through and it will help.
Just be good to yourself, cut yourself some slack sometimes. Nothing is your fault... and we all make errors and mistakes, that's how we learn as we age. Nobody gets it all right 100%. I am certain you are a wonderful daughter and you did your very best for your dad over the past 2 years especially. He knew you did your best for him and he loved you for it. He knew what you wanted for him and I am sure he would have been so proud of you. I know that these words may not really hit home yet but maybe in time you'll feel a bit more at peace with your thoughts and feelings.
I understand it must be really hard to write things out like this. Opening ourselves up to criticism or even just receiving kindness can sometimes be extremely hard when we are hurting so much. I am glad that you made the decision to do it though, because it shows you accept support and are still fighting hard. There is a sea of friendly people here who support everything you do and we will always care what happens to you and will do our best to give our help whenever we see you need it. It is the least we can do... we are all "human" and we all struggle sometimes.
It might sound a bit odd, but I often record voice messages using my phone before I sleep recently to deal with severe depression as it seems to help to just let go of the things that are hurting me. Nobody ever hears them, so I say whatever I need to. It can at least let me sleep when I am really anxious or upset... maybe something similar will help you just put your thoughts in order sometimes. If you have a lot left to say that you never said, maybe write a really long letter with everything you need to say.
Look after yourself well. It's very important. You do not have to struggle and cope alone, so make sure you ask for help whenever you need.
I've only experienced the loss of my grandparents who were not in my life that much so I cannot understand exactly how you feel, although I have lost people in other ways which can sometimes be very similar... so I at least empathise with how you must feel and what you must be going through. You can't just move on, it isn't like that... you will get through this in your own way and don't let anyone make you do anything. Don't push or force. You just have to put things into perspective and order in your own way, in your own time... and it will happen as time passes at its own pace. It will take a long time, but it will get "easier". You have people in your life who will pick you up time and time again and will carry you when you're too tired to move forward... a beautiful little boy who needs you and depends on you and who can only love you. It will all guide you through and it will help.
Just be good to yourself, cut yourself some slack sometimes. Nothing is your fault... and we all make errors and mistakes, that's how we learn as we age. Nobody gets it all right 100%. I am certain you are a wonderful daughter and you did your very best for your dad over the past 2 years especially. He knew you did your best for him and he loved you for it. He knew what you wanted for him and I am sure he would have been so proud of you. I know that these words may not really hit home yet but maybe in time you'll feel a bit more at peace with your thoughts and feelings.
I understand it must be really hard to write things out like this. Opening ourselves up to criticism or even just receiving kindness can sometimes be extremely hard when we are hurting so much. I am glad that you made the decision to do it though, because it shows you accept support and are still fighting hard. There is a sea of friendly people here who support everything you do and we will always care what happens to you and will do our best to give our help whenever we see you need it. It is the least we can do... we are all "human" and we all struggle sometimes.
It might sound a bit odd, but I often record voice messages using my phone before I sleep recently to deal with severe depression as it seems to help to just let go of the things that are hurting me. Nobody ever hears them, so I say whatever I need to. It can at least let me sleep when I am really anxious or upset... maybe something similar will help you just put your thoughts in order sometimes. If you have a lot left to say that you never said, maybe write a really long letter with everything you need to say.
Look after yourself well. It's very important. You do not have to struggle and cope alone, so make sure you ask for help whenever you need.
I'm not going to lie to you, it sucks. My dad went out fishing a few years ago with a friend of his and never came back ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotla.....-fife-19558570 ). Got a phone call from the police as a concerned passer by had noticed that his car was still there at midnight. The police then came to the house at 5am to tell me that they'd recovered two bodies. Fast forward 6 hours later and i'm identifying his mortal remains. I never got a chance to say goodbye, but then we were very close, so there wasn't really anything left to say to him that i felt i had to say, which was a comfort. You never get over losing someone close, but you learn to live with it. Take your time, grieve in your own way (there is no timescale for this, everyone is different) and be thankful for the time that you did get to spend with him. He may not have been back in your life for long but at least you had that time. Take care Ajna, and if you need to vent, go for it! xx
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