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In the Family Way
© 2013 by Walter D. Reimer
(Characters courtesy of
Major Matt Mason and 
EOCostello
The story of the duCleds relationship and marriage can be found on the Spontoon Island website, in the following stories:
Inocenta Until Proven Guilty
Valentine's Dazed
The I Do's of March
Art by
TheTiedTigress
______________________________________________
Part 6.
Toni:
Port and cigars in the War Room. Lord Kitchener’s about to speak.
Heh.
From what Pierre’s told me, him and his brudder had a hard time as kids with their sisters. Queen dragons, alla dem, and Catherine’s the worst.
I’ve had a run-in or two with her, an’ she ain’t pleasant to be around. Pete, God bless him, tries ta keep me outta most of it, but ya just can’t avoid it sometimes, y’see? ‘Sides, I can take care o’ things myself.
Ask Rosie ‘bout that, if ya don’t believe me.
No wonder her hubby ran off. George squirreled away as much money as he could before leavin’, so it weren’t exactly spur of the moment, hanh? Lots of plannin.’
I tell ya, though, she’s been after his tail for years. I’m told her guys caught up with him in Ireland, but after he showed the judge her picture he was let go. From there he’s been spotted (so I hear) everywhere from Caracas to Spontoon and all points in between.
Now, I’ve seen Inocenta in action, so I think Big Bad Cathy’s in fer a shock.
This is one of dem hoi polloi things, where the women go in one room an’ the guys go somewhere else. I’ve seen it before, back in the old days, so we all go troopin’ off. Once I get there I ask fer a beer.
Sure ‘nuff, Marie opens the bidding. “Still hungry, Antoinette?” She knows I get my back up at my full name. “I’m told a dead mouse was found in the kitchen.”
I smile at her, not showing no teeth. “I ain’t hungry. I thought ‘bout anudder slice o’ cake, but I’m watchin’ my figure.” Marie turns red but shuts her yap – see, she ain’t missed no meals, or second helpings, neither.
Her boy Louie takes after her, the fat slob.
I gets my beer as Lucille asks Inocenta, “So, Inocenta, you’re from Spain?”
“Si. Inocenta and her family have to leave España when the civil war break out. Mami and Papi, they live now in the Spontoons.”
“And what does your, er, Papi do there?” Louise asks.
Inocenta takes a sip from her drink. Water, I think; ya need to say on yer toes with this bunch. “Pouf! Papi, he is in the business of the radio now. He organize the orchestra.”
“How very nice for him,” Louise says. Her tone would make ya think Inocenta’s daddy’s just a step up from rag-and-bone man.
Marie takes a swig of anudder martini and sez, “We all took the Grand Tour. I hated Europe. Full of low, foreign types.”
“Dover’s much better,” Catherine chimed in.
Cousin Maddy come in then, nurse in tow. She gives me a leer and I let it pass. Maddy’s a bit of a problem, cuz she likes the girls over the boys, if ya know whaddamean. She gives each of her aunts a kiss (I thought Cathy was gonna upchuck) and sits down near the fireplace.
Inocenta was talking, an’ I hear her say, “But Inocenta now make her home here in the America, with her darling Leslie-puppy. Soon she be American citizen too!”
I caught the look that crossed Cathy’s muzzle like a Number 8 bus, an’ that got me wonderin.’
***
Pierre:
Talk about an embarrassed silence.
Most of it from my nephews as we trooped into the drawing room and a junior butler (under Herne’s expert gaze) started circulating. My brother-in-law Charles lit a cigarette and accepted a small brandy. “Sorry you had to see that, Charles.”
“It’s nothing like what I see at home when she drops by,” he said, “which is frequently.” He sidled closer and I could see Les’s ears perked attentively in our direction.
Smart boy; he’ll go far.
Unlike two of his first cousins I could name.
“Is it really that bad?” Charles asked.
I smiled. “Not as bad as all that. I could see it coming last year and started taking steps. Most of the liquid assets are safely invested, and we’re under the line that fool Long’s drawn. But it means a drop in the allowance, and that – “
“Raises hackles. You wouldn’t believe the talks I’ve had with Marie.” We both glanced at his son Louis, who was having another cream tart and a glass of port. “No help from that quarter.”
“Need some more business?”
He grinned as Les grew more attentive. “You’ve already got a lot of contracts with me, Pete. We’re doing fine.” He glanced at Les and added, “Your wife looks lovely, Leslie. You’re a very lucky man.”
My nephew grinned. “Thanks, Uncle Charles. We’re both very happy – “
“Certainly looks that way,” my nephew Louis boomed. He can hardly open his muzzle without either cramming or pouring something into it – unless he’s getting ready to orate about something.
“Christ,” Charles muttered, “he’s already lit.”
“Splendid woman you got there, Les, splendid.” He winked and nudged Leslie in the ribs. “C’mon, you can tell me – any more like her in the herd?”
Les looked at him.
And smiled.
Then punched his cousin in the nose.
Wonder of wonders, it made Louis drop his drink as he grabbed at his muzzle. Richard and Thomas started looking scared, while Peter and Jeffrey laughed.
Uncle Baltasar was already snoring, so his nurse wheeled him out.
Leslie said in a quiet, almost friendly tone, “Inocenta’s an only child, Lou. And you keep a civil tongue in your head or I’ll yank it out, let it go, and watch it flap in your muzzle like a loose window-shade.”
Louis had turned away and was dabbing at his nose, checking to see if it was bleeding. It wasn’t. I think that if Les had punched him properly he would’ve broken his cousin’s nose quite effectively.
“That . . . was a low blow, Les!” he managed to splutter.
“No, it wasn’t. I just split the difference between your chins. If I’d hit you where you do your thinking, THAT would be a hit below the belt. Be thankful you’re family, Lou, or you’d be taking your meals through a straw.”
The pair crested at each other, hardly becoming behavior from two college graduates (Les from Penn, Lou from Georgetown).
Time to referee.
“Okay, both of you, knock it off,” Charles said before I could intervene. “Lou, apologize.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Unless you’d like to lose that re-election campaign you’re cadging funds for.”
“Father – “
“Yes?” I always held Charles in high esteem because he rarely took any guff from my sister or his children. Lou deflated, and mumbled an apology. He and Les shook paws and he walked out, muttering about turning in early. Charles turned back to me.
“Well done,” I murmured into my snifter.
“Thanks,” he said.
***
Les:
That was apparently the high point of everyone’s night, as most of the younger set and the older set decided to end the fun of a family dinner and retire.
Before he left, though, I took Uncle Pete aside. “The ‘Three Bs?’”
“Oh, you heard that? It stands for ‘Boys, Booze and Bugattis.’ Your Aunt Catherine’s almost but not quite made a scandal of herself since your Uncle George vanished. Dick’s known to drink, and Tom loves fast cars – but can’t drive well enough to save his life.”
Oy, as Rosie says.
I walked up the stairs with Inocenta. “How did things go?” I asked, wondering if I really wanted an answer or not.
Of course, I hadn’t been called in to stop a riot, so I guessed things passed amicably enough.
Inocenta smiled. “Leslie-puppy have no worry about his Inocenta. She was the doe of good manners tonight,” whereupon she muttered something in Spanish that I couldn’t catch, but sounded ominously like an ancient curse.
The next day we had breakfast out on the patio outside the mansion, just the two of us. The patio was made of smooth granite flagstones, now pitted from about a century of weather and bounded by a carved stone railing. It was raised about three steps above the ground level and looked out over a broad expanse of grass ending in a screen of trees and a garden maze. There was a tennis court, a legacy from my grandparents, and Richard and Thomas were getting in an early-morning doubles match against Lucille and Jeff.
The Dumbsey Twins were getting the worst of it, judging from the number of collisions and arguments that had Inocenta laughing over her grapefruit and oatmeal.
While one such fight was winding down I leaned over to Inocenta and muttered, “They’re as dumb as rocks.”
I sipped at my coffee and Inocenta asked, “But igneous is bliss, no?”
Ever blow hot coffee out through your nose?
Painful.
“I want to take you on a tour of the house,” I told her as I mopped up my coffee with a napkin, then blew my nose. “Maybe later we’ll tour the powder rooms – “
“Inocenta no need the powder of her nose.”
I blinked. “No, the powder rooms – “
“Inocenta no the fawn. Why then she need the powder?”
I can never quite tell when Inocenta is pulling my leg. Well, when she's not doing it physically.
Patience, Leslie.
“No, love,” I said, “not the powder rooms, the POWDER rooms.”
She blinked at me as she thought about my emphasis on the word, then her pretty muzzle pursed in an ‘O’ as the penny dropped. “OH! Inocenta get it!” She lowered her voice. “This is what make the Baron go big mel wolfie, yes?”
I cautiously conceded that that was, in fact, the case. “It’s the core of the family business. And, of course, you need to get ready for the wedding.”
“Oh, si! Toni say she will be happy to go with me, along with Lucille.”
I nodded, happy that things were moving along. “I will also be getting ready.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. I need to be dressed for the wedding too, you know. And I have to get you a wedding present.”
She looked delighted and clapped her paws. Despite her attempts to wheedle it out of me, I wasn’t going to tell her what her present was going to be.
The tennis foursome came loping up onto the patio, the two Brothers Dim still arguing over who missed the last point. Lucille looked very pleased with herself. “Hi!” she said. “How’s breakfast?”
“Delicioso,” Inocenta said.
“I KNEW IT! THEY’RE ATTACKING!” I about jumped out of my fur, and so did everyone else as Great-uncle Baltasar came hurtling through the French doors, waving his cane like a saber. He usually spends so much time in his wheelchair I had forgotten he’s still able to walk.
His nurse was clinging to his tail in a vain attempt to restrain him.
He made a beeline for Inocenta, brandishing his cane.
My wife, bless her, leaped up and snatched a tennis racket from Tom and started to duel with Baltasar. He snarled at her and pressed the attack while she gave ground only grudgingly.
Perhaps I should explain a few things at this point.
Great-uncle Baltasar was a lieutenant in the Army back in 1898 when the Spanish-American War started. He was part of the force under General Miles when they invaded Puerto Rico, and got himself wounded at Guanica. Left him having trouble walking.
Now in his seventies, I think, his mind’s starting to go a bit. All right, his mind has packed its bags and made ocean liner reservations.
Tends to get agitated at the sound of anyone speaking Spanish.
Inocenta held him off while the rest of us wrestled him back into his chair and the nurse sped him off to parts unknown. When the doors closed behind him we all stopped and caught our breath.
I looked at Inocenta.
“Welcome to the family, my dear.”
NEXT
FIRST
PREVIOUS
© 2013 by Walter D. Reimer
(Characters courtesy of
Major Matt Mason and 
EOCostelloThe story of the duCleds relationship and marriage can be found on the Spontoon Island website, in the following stories:
Inocenta Until Proven Guilty
Valentine's Dazed
The I Do's of March
Art by
TheTiedTigress______________________________________________
Part 6.
Toni:
Port and cigars in the War Room. Lord Kitchener’s about to speak.
Heh.
From what Pierre’s told me, him and his brudder had a hard time as kids with their sisters. Queen dragons, alla dem, and Catherine’s the worst.
I’ve had a run-in or two with her, an’ she ain’t pleasant to be around. Pete, God bless him, tries ta keep me outta most of it, but ya just can’t avoid it sometimes, y’see? ‘Sides, I can take care o’ things myself.
Ask Rosie ‘bout that, if ya don’t believe me.
No wonder her hubby ran off. George squirreled away as much money as he could before leavin’, so it weren’t exactly spur of the moment, hanh? Lots of plannin.’
I tell ya, though, she’s been after his tail for years. I’m told her guys caught up with him in Ireland, but after he showed the judge her picture he was let go. From there he’s been spotted (so I hear) everywhere from Caracas to Spontoon and all points in between.
Now, I’ve seen Inocenta in action, so I think Big Bad Cathy’s in fer a shock.
This is one of dem hoi polloi things, where the women go in one room an’ the guys go somewhere else. I’ve seen it before, back in the old days, so we all go troopin’ off. Once I get there I ask fer a beer.
Sure ‘nuff, Marie opens the bidding. “Still hungry, Antoinette?” She knows I get my back up at my full name. “I’m told a dead mouse was found in the kitchen.”
I smile at her, not showing no teeth. “I ain’t hungry. I thought ‘bout anudder slice o’ cake, but I’m watchin’ my figure.” Marie turns red but shuts her yap – see, she ain’t missed no meals, or second helpings, neither.
Her boy Louie takes after her, the fat slob.
I gets my beer as Lucille asks Inocenta, “So, Inocenta, you’re from Spain?”
“Si. Inocenta and her family have to leave España when the civil war break out. Mami and Papi, they live now in the Spontoons.”
“And what does your, er, Papi do there?” Louise asks.
Inocenta takes a sip from her drink. Water, I think; ya need to say on yer toes with this bunch. “Pouf! Papi, he is in the business of the radio now. He organize the orchestra.”
“How very nice for him,” Louise says. Her tone would make ya think Inocenta’s daddy’s just a step up from rag-and-bone man.
Marie takes a swig of anudder martini and sez, “We all took the Grand Tour. I hated Europe. Full of low, foreign types.”
“Dover’s much better,” Catherine chimed in.
Cousin Maddy come in then, nurse in tow. She gives me a leer and I let it pass. Maddy’s a bit of a problem, cuz she likes the girls over the boys, if ya know whaddamean. She gives each of her aunts a kiss (I thought Cathy was gonna upchuck) and sits down near the fireplace.
Inocenta was talking, an’ I hear her say, “But Inocenta now make her home here in the America, with her darling Leslie-puppy. Soon she be American citizen too!”
I caught the look that crossed Cathy’s muzzle like a Number 8 bus, an’ that got me wonderin.’
***
Pierre:
Talk about an embarrassed silence.
Most of it from my nephews as we trooped into the drawing room and a junior butler (under Herne’s expert gaze) started circulating. My brother-in-law Charles lit a cigarette and accepted a small brandy. “Sorry you had to see that, Charles.”
“It’s nothing like what I see at home when she drops by,” he said, “which is frequently.” He sidled closer and I could see Les’s ears perked attentively in our direction.
Smart boy; he’ll go far.
Unlike two of his first cousins I could name.
“Is it really that bad?” Charles asked.
I smiled. “Not as bad as all that. I could see it coming last year and started taking steps. Most of the liquid assets are safely invested, and we’re under the line that fool Long’s drawn. But it means a drop in the allowance, and that – “
“Raises hackles. You wouldn’t believe the talks I’ve had with Marie.” We both glanced at his son Louis, who was having another cream tart and a glass of port. “No help from that quarter.”
“Need some more business?”
He grinned as Les grew more attentive. “You’ve already got a lot of contracts with me, Pete. We’re doing fine.” He glanced at Les and added, “Your wife looks lovely, Leslie. You’re a very lucky man.”
My nephew grinned. “Thanks, Uncle Charles. We’re both very happy – “
“Certainly looks that way,” my nephew Louis boomed. He can hardly open his muzzle without either cramming or pouring something into it – unless he’s getting ready to orate about something.
“Christ,” Charles muttered, “he’s already lit.”
“Splendid woman you got there, Les, splendid.” He winked and nudged Leslie in the ribs. “C’mon, you can tell me – any more like her in the herd?”
Les looked at him.
And smiled.
Then punched his cousin in the nose.
Wonder of wonders, it made Louis drop his drink as he grabbed at his muzzle. Richard and Thomas started looking scared, while Peter and Jeffrey laughed.
Uncle Baltasar was already snoring, so his nurse wheeled him out.
Leslie said in a quiet, almost friendly tone, “Inocenta’s an only child, Lou. And you keep a civil tongue in your head or I’ll yank it out, let it go, and watch it flap in your muzzle like a loose window-shade.”
Louis had turned away and was dabbing at his nose, checking to see if it was bleeding. It wasn’t. I think that if Les had punched him properly he would’ve broken his cousin’s nose quite effectively.
“That . . . was a low blow, Les!” he managed to splutter.
“No, it wasn’t. I just split the difference between your chins. If I’d hit you where you do your thinking, THAT would be a hit below the belt. Be thankful you’re family, Lou, or you’d be taking your meals through a straw.”
The pair crested at each other, hardly becoming behavior from two college graduates (Les from Penn, Lou from Georgetown).
Time to referee.
“Okay, both of you, knock it off,” Charles said before I could intervene. “Lou, apologize.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Unless you’d like to lose that re-election campaign you’re cadging funds for.”
“Father – “
“Yes?” I always held Charles in high esteem because he rarely took any guff from my sister or his children. Lou deflated, and mumbled an apology. He and Les shook paws and he walked out, muttering about turning in early. Charles turned back to me.
“Well done,” I murmured into my snifter.
“Thanks,” he said.
***
Les:
That was apparently the high point of everyone’s night, as most of the younger set and the older set decided to end the fun of a family dinner and retire.
Before he left, though, I took Uncle Pete aside. “The ‘Three Bs?’”
“Oh, you heard that? It stands for ‘Boys, Booze and Bugattis.’ Your Aunt Catherine’s almost but not quite made a scandal of herself since your Uncle George vanished. Dick’s known to drink, and Tom loves fast cars – but can’t drive well enough to save his life.”
Oy, as Rosie says.
I walked up the stairs with Inocenta. “How did things go?” I asked, wondering if I really wanted an answer or not.
Of course, I hadn’t been called in to stop a riot, so I guessed things passed amicably enough.
Inocenta smiled. “Leslie-puppy have no worry about his Inocenta. She was the doe of good manners tonight,” whereupon she muttered something in Spanish that I couldn’t catch, but sounded ominously like an ancient curse.
The next day we had breakfast out on the patio outside the mansion, just the two of us. The patio was made of smooth granite flagstones, now pitted from about a century of weather and bounded by a carved stone railing. It was raised about three steps above the ground level and looked out over a broad expanse of grass ending in a screen of trees and a garden maze. There was a tennis court, a legacy from my grandparents, and Richard and Thomas were getting in an early-morning doubles match against Lucille and Jeff.
The Dumbsey Twins were getting the worst of it, judging from the number of collisions and arguments that had Inocenta laughing over her grapefruit and oatmeal.
While one such fight was winding down I leaned over to Inocenta and muttered, “They’re as dumb as rocks.”
I sipped at my coffee and Inocenta asked, “But igneous is bliss, no?”
Ever blow hot coffee out through your nose?
Painful.
“I want to take you on a tour of the house,” I told her as I mopped up my coffee with a napkin, then blew my nose. “Maybe later we’ll tour the powder rooms – “
“Inocenta no need the powder of her nose.”
I blinked. “No, the powder rooms – “
“Inocenta no the fawn. Why then she need the powder?”
I can never quite tell when Inocenta is pulling my leg. Well, when she's not doing it physically.
Patience, Leslie.
“No, love,” I said, “not the powder rooms, the POWDER rooms.”
She blinked at me as she thought about my emphasis on the word, then her pretty muzzle pursed in an ‘O’ as the penny dropped. “OH! Inocenta get it!” She lowered her voice. “This is what make the Baron go big mel wolfie, yes?”
I cautiously conceded that that was, in fact, the case. “It’s the core of the family business. And, of course, you need to get ready for the wedding.”
“Oh, si! Toni say she will be happy to go with me, along with Lucille.”
I nodded, happy that things were moving along. “I will also be getting ready.”
“Yes?”
“Yes. I need to be dressed for the wedding too, you know. And I have to get you a wedding present.”
She looked delighted and clapped her paws. Despite her attempts to wheedle it out of me, I wasn’t going to tell her what her present was going to be.
The tennis foursome came loping up onto the patio, the two Brothers Dim still arguing over who missed the last point. Lucille looked very pleased with herself. “Hi!” she said. “How’s breakfast?”
“Delicioso,” Inocenta said.
“I KNEW IT! THEY’RE ATTACKING!” I about jumped out of my fur, and so did everyone else as Great-uncle Baltasar came hurtling through the French doors, waving his cane like a saber. He usually spends so much time in his wheelchair I had forgotten he’s still able to walk.
His nurse was clinging to his tail in a vain attempt to restrain him.
He made a beeline for Inocenta, brandishing his cane.
My wife, bless her, leaped up and snatched a tennis racket from Tom and started to duel with Baltasar. He snarled at her and pressed the attack while she gave ground only grudgingly.
Perhaps I should explain a few things at this point.
Great-uncle Baltasar was a lieutenant in the Army back in 1898 when the Spanish-American War started. He was part of the force under General Miles when they invaded Puerto Rico, and got himself wounded at Guanica. Left him having trouble walking.
Now in his seventies, I think, his mind’s starting to go a bit. All right, his mind has packed its bags and made ocean liner reservations.
Tends to get agitated at the sound of anyone speaking Spanish.
Inocenta held him off while the rest of us wrestled him back into his chair and the nurse sped him off to parts unknown. When the doors closed behind him we all stopped and caught our breath.
I looked at Inocenta.
“Welcome to the family, my dear.”
NEXT
FIRST
PREVIOUS
Category Story / General Furry Art
Species Dog (Other)
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File Size 201.6 kB
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