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In My Head - 011 - Coping Mechanism
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Its been a while, huh?
I've struggled with how to truly express this situation (this is my 4th draft for instance), as I'm really unable to make it clear to people when I talk with them. I always get things like "You're not -really- depressed then" or "That's not possible, what are you talking about?"
This is how I deal with things.
At one point, years and years ago now, I attempted suicide. I thought I'd moved past that. Yet I still feel myself struggling with those same dark feelings on a more and more frequent basis. It interferes with my life, with my work, with my friends...I feel like I have to isolate myself because I really don't like people seeing me in this state. When Freaky and Rook visited Washington, I really tried my best to be around and all, but one day out of their visit I just sorta had a mini-breakdown and just couldn't handle things. So I missed seeing Rook one last time before the trip home. Still feel bad about that...
There are others who have had to deal with the same issues around me too. I just...Can't handle things sometimes. Getting out of bed, going to work, eating...There are times when everything just feels so pointless, not worth the effort, or I feel entirely undeserving of even the base necessities of life. And when it gets -that- bad, there's not really anything anyone can say to me to "cheer me up", and even -that- makes me feel bad too...So, what do I do?
I eventually just get tired of it.
I get tired of laying around, so I get up. I get tired of moping, so I stop. I get tired of not eating, so I eat. I give in to all those dark feelings, give them validation, and move on. "Yes, you're right, you're 100% correct about me, I'm worthless, I'm not a good person, I'm trash...We done here now? Okay." Yes, at times, I do really want to end things. But I can't right now, I'm too busy. I'll do it later. The idea that, at any point in time I can choose to do so kind of...Empowers me I guess. Its hard to explain without people giving me the "crazy look". But really, its like letting some troll win an argument so they feel better about themselves, and you're free to go on your way, at least till they deem it necessary to antagonize you again.
So...This is what I do. It takes a while, sometimes a few days, but I am able to pull myself together. Eventually. I can't afford to sit around and not do anything, I have people depending on me. So if I can't pull myself together enough for my own accord, then I can definitely do it for them. I can smile and act the part until I get home and collapse again if need be.
I know I'm not a hero, I'm not even all that great. But I'm able to do what I need to to not burden anyone, and to make other people's lives better. Most of the time. When it really matters, for sure. I'm sorry I'm not better though.
Its been a while, huh?
I've struggled with how to truly express this situation (this is my 4th draft for instance), as I'm really unable to make it clear to people when I talk with them. I always get things like "You're not -really- depressed then" or "That's not possible, what are you talking about?"
This is how I deal with things.
At one point, years and years ago now, I attempted suicide. I thought I'd moved past that. Yet I still feel myself struggling with those same dark feelings on a more and more frequent basis. It interferes with my life, with my work, with my friends...I feel like I have to isolate myself because I really don't like people seeing me in this state. When Freaky and Rook visited Washington, I really tried my best to be around and all, but one day out of their visit I just sorta had a mini-breakdown and just couldn't handle things. So I missed seeing Rook one last time before the trip home. Still feel bad about that...
There are others who have had to deal with the same issues around me too. I just...Can't handle things sometimes. Getting out of bed, going to work, eating...There are times when everything just feels so pointless, not worth the effort, or I feel entirely undeserving of even the base necessities of life. And when it gets -that- bad, there's not really anything anyone can say to me to "cheer me up", and even -that- makes me feel bad too...So, what do I do?
I eventually just get tired of it.
I get tired of laying around, so I get up. I get tired of moping, so I stop. I get tired of not eating, so I eat. I give in to all those dark feelings, give them validation, and move on. "Yes, you're right, you're 100% correct about me, I'm worthless, I'm not a good person, I'm trash...We done here now? Okay." Yes, at times, I do really want to end things. But I can't right now, I'm too busy. I'll do it later. The idea that, at any point in time I can choose to do so kind of...Empowers me I guess. Its hard to explain without people giving me the "crazy look". But really, its like letting some troll win an argument so they feel better about themselves, and you're free to go on your way, at least till they deem it necessary to antagonize you again.
So...This is what I do. It takes a while, sometimes a few days, but I am able to pull myself together. Eventually. I can't afford to sit around and not do anything, I have people depending on me. So if I can't pull myself together enough for my own accord, then I can definitely do it for them. I can smile and act the part until I get home and collapse again if need be.
I know I'm not a hero, I'm not even all that great. But I'm able to do what I need to to not burden anyone, and to make other people's lives better. Most of the time. When it really matters, for sure. I'm sorry I'm not better though.
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http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-M...../dp/080701429X
I believe this is relevant reading. I'd recommend talking to me privately if you don't quite understand why from the description of the book written there.
I believe this is relevant reading. I'd recommend talking to me privately if you don't quite understand why from the description of the book written there.
I think it was in a class like that. It was on "The Meaning of Life" and went over all sorts of different views on it, from different time periods and countries. Was really interesting if I remember right. And thinking on it now I believe there was just excerpts from it and not the whole book, or I would've kept it.
That'd make sense if you're doing comparative philosophies, yeah.
Either way, I do recommend it. It's actually something I keep in mind when I'm having my own doubts or helping others in similar situations to yours.
The gist of it is that you don't necessarily have to be happy to be satisfied. You need to develop some sort of meaning. My personal meaning is, at a minimum, making as many people's lives better as possible when I come into contact with them. That's why I will always be super-friendly with low-paid workers and the like, and that's why I always respond to people who comment on the things I post online.
No idea if that would work for you, and I doubt it would in specifically those terms, but I think it might be a good boost, since you're already on that track.
Either way, I do recommend it. It's actually something I keep in mind when I'm having my own doubts or helping others in similar situations to yours.
The gist of it is that you don't necessarily have to be happy to be satisfied. You need to develop some sort of meaning. My personal meaning is, at a minimum, making as many people's lives better as possible when I come into contact with them. That's why I will always be super-friendly with low-paid workers and the like, and that's why I always respond to people who comment on the things I post online.
No idea if that would work for you, and I doubt it would in specifically those terms, but I think it might be a good boost, since you're already on that track.
I've dealt with that kind of inner demon before, mostly at a younger age and he still tries to get in my head. I see him in my blood (family), seen him in my once were "friends".
They said I would never make it through boot camp.
They said I would just be a leech, a worthless parasite.
You could even say that when playing Dota2 the random asshat that is on the other side can't say anything that isn't as cutting as deep as when it's your own brother saying shit like that behind one's back.
It's not so much me being tired of it all, it's me getting my motivation to shut them all up.
I guess the emotions that run into me was more of anger and animosity toward them, I just channeled it to make them eat their words... choke on them. No matter how many times I fuck up, I'm getting back up figuring where I went wrong and keep pushing forward.
They said I would never make it through boot camp.
They said I would just be a leech, a worthless parasite.
You could even say that when playing Dota2 the random asshat that is on the other side can't say anything that isn't as cutting as deep as when it's your own brother saying shit like that behind one's back.
It's not so much me being tired of it all, it's me getting my motivation to shut them all up.
I guess the emotions that run into me was more of anger and animosity toward them, I just channeled it to make them eat their words... choke on them. No matter how many times I fuck up, I'm getting back up figuring where I went wrong and keep pushing forward.
I have to say, I thoroughly enjoy seeing these little segments from you. A vivid reminder that beneath every creative personality that people look up to, there's a person with flaws just like everyone else. And sometimes it's good to give people that reminder.
As someone who routinely struggles with depression and feeling worthless, I know where you're coming from. It's not easy. It never is. But you hit it right on the head. Sometimes you just have to push past it and say "Not now. I have more important things to do."
Just hang in there, wuff. Keep sticking with it. A lot of people would be very sad not to have you around.
As someone who routinely struggles with depression and feeling worthless, I know where you're coming from. It's not easy. It never is. But you hit it right on the head. Sometimes you just have to push past it and say "Not now. I have more important things to do."
Just hang in there, wuff. Keep sticking with it. A lot of people would be very sad not to have you around.
Though I'm a bit late, I'd also like to say thank you for writing out your experience.
Despite the cheery avatar, there's a.. lot going on for me at the moment. Yet, seemingly nowhere near what other people have to deal with, which doesn't exactly help - I've got molehills in comparison, yet it feels like mountains. And breaking down? Its happened so much I'd have the T-shirt if one existed (this could be a ramble of its own - darn sensory overwhelming). People trying to cheer you up, but you just want to hide so they don't see you at your worst? Yeah, that too.
No matter, though, for as you and others remarked, people depend on you, and you just can't give up now for their sake if not your own. I don't think it's ideal to subsist on only doing life for others, but to be here means things aren't ideal. Take care of living day to day, then worry about anything more complex.
And though opinions vary on this, in my personal view, in the end it does matter.
(Pardon if I am confusing, or misunderstood your words)
Despite the cheery avatar, there's a.. lot going on for me at the moment. Yet, seemingly nowhere near what other people have to deal with, which doesn't exactly help - I've got molehills in comparison, yet it feels like mountains. And breaking down? Its happened so much I'd have the T-shirt if one existed (this could be a ramble of its own - darn sensory overwhelming). People trying to cheer you up, but you just want to hide so they don't see you at your worst? Yeah, that too.
No matter, though, for as you and others remarked, people depend on you, and you just can't give up now for their sake if not your own. I don't think it's ideal to subsist on only doing life for others, but to be here means things aren't ideal. Take care of living day to day, then worry about anything more complex.
And though opinions vary on this, in my personal view, in the end it does matter.
(Pardon if I am confusing, or misunderstood your words)
I have met this demon before and it has been lurking in the darkness at the edge of my conscious since then, but when ever it dared to strike me at my weakest, Rusty would engage it in combat and defeat it in battle but fail to strike the finishing blow, for the demon would escape at the last moment despite Rusty's minions attempt to hold it down. so anyways if you are face to face with the demon call upon your OC to chase it off. and also i wish you the best. *hugs* minions *hugs*
Yeah, no, fuck that. You are all that great. No one talks bad about one of my best friends and gets away with it. D:<
I think you got way better about these thoughts in the last few years though. Really proud of you. I hope you are able to know that somehow, because for some reason my opinion mattered a lot to you.
...I probably shouldn't get down on myself either. Just feeling some very strong feelings right now.
I think you got way better about these thoughts in the last few years though. Really proud of you. I hope you are able to know that somehow, because for some reason my opinion mattered a lot to you.
...I probably shouldn't get down on myself either. Just feeling some very strong feelings right now.
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