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Ok, I have the first part finished of Samhaion's request. After the dinnerscene in Samhain's script. Duke Bodvar is going to play a game with her gruop. Zok has to babysit the wolf in the kitchen. (Trust me, things will not go well for either groupd.) Duke Bodvar has a little prank up his sleeve.
Samhain, Michaela, Damien, and Caryn are copywrited and belong to Samhain. Duke Bodvar and Zok belong to me.
Samhain, Michaela, Damien, and Caryn are copywrited and belong to Samhain. Duke Bodvar and Zok belong to me.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Wolf
Size 120 x 69px
File Size 31.5 kB
After a glance through it, I can see myself in the story - or at least, how I had been when I first started writing.
You have a /lot/ of potential to you. I can see that.
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Zok was not amused by the Duke’s current guests. The group’s conduct did not impress him, and no one ever criticizes his cooking. The chefs hired by Duke Bodvar never had a complaint against his skill.
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Show, not tell. Of course, I would overlook it as: "The duke was highly unamused; both their conduct was poor and their criticism was uncouth. None had held complaint against his skill in the past."
It's just a rewording. But, it's a good start - it just takes time to learn how to word things better. Not saying you don't know how, mind, it just takes a /lot/ of time and effort.
I will take a look at a few others. Also, I will +watch you.
Just my 2cents. Hope I'm not being a jackass.
You have a /lot/ of potential to you. I can see that.
-
Zok was not amused by the Duke’s current guests. The group’s conduct did not impress him, and no one ever criticizes his cooking. The chefs hired by Duke Bodvar never had a complaint against his skill.
-
Show, not tell. Of course, I would overlook it as: "The duke was highly unamused; both their conduct was poor and their criticism was uncouth. None had held complaint against his skill in the past."
It's just a rewording. But, it's a good start - it just takes time to learn how to word things better. Not saying you don't know how, mind, it just takes a /lot/ of time and effort.
I will take a look at a few others. Also, I will +watch you.
Just my 2cents. Hope I'm not being a jackass.
No you're not. I need all the hel I can get. Note: please check "Living Fountain" Part 7 + entirity first, cause it has everything' then read the other parts in order. Any more tips, suggestions, and critisism is welcome. (This is only the beginning of the request. Check my story "Living Fountain" and Samhain's "Paracosm Tales" for more info on the characters.
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