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"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" She asked. It wasn't a question meant to pry, the entire conversation had been nothing but a personal dumping ground of our pasts so far. But I still reflexively flinched at it, something Maya noticed. "What? Is-" she stopped, frowning a bit. "Look, if it's anything that hurts to think about, we can stop."
I closed my eyes, counted; one, two, three. "No. You know how it is, best to get it out in the open. Avoid any awkwardness later on." She nodded slowly. "The worst thing I've done, huh?" My eyes started to zone out, vision blur and cross. "Well, I'd just started my work. Back then I was calling myself an 'Independent Contractor' still. Bullshit, but I wasn't really ready to call myself a mercenary just yet."
Maya sipped her drink. "Was Mage with you yet?"
"No, no. He was off trying to erase any of our histories, getting all those ducks in line. I was working by myself in the meanwhile, partially funding that. Sometimes I'd be with another person, but no official team. Kind of glad honestly." I wrung my hands together. "At the time I'd take whatever job I got, happy to just make a quick buck."
"And this making a quick buck is what did it?"
"Well. The job was simple; some PMC had troubles with some bandits and needed help cleaning house; rescuing a few of their men, assisting civilians. I was one of a few people they called. I went, got my orders, and got ready to execute them."
"So what went wrong?"
My eyes shut again. "I went to the location they gave me. Said all they needed from me personally was 'janitorial duties'. Cleaning up bodies, recovering weapons and anything of value, that kind of stuff. Well, when I opened the door, I saw what looked to be three of them, chained together. Leader of the PMC then contacted me, saying for the sake of legality he had to make sure there wasn't any kind of paper trail. Dangled a big bonus in front of me if I'd assist them in 'liquidating' the rest of the bandits."
I looked over at Maya and paused, but she didn't say anything this time. Just stared at me with soft eyes; she was judging, but not judgmental. Looking to gauge who I was now, and where I'd come from, probably. Or maybe she was thinking to herself about what a monster I was, all along. There was no telling with her, a woman so wrapped up in her own morals she'd blind herself.
"The bandits..." My tongue suddenly got dry and I had to lick my lips a bit. "They weren't armed, didn't even seem violent. For all I know, still know, they could've been civilians. But the PMC owner told me, 'Two thousand dollars a body.' And..."
I stopped. My own drink slipped out of my hands and to the ground, spilling over the metal floor. My body quivered a bit, but no tears came out. Instead I just sat there, a pool of my own remorse.
"I did it. Killed them all, took my pay, and went on about my life. And it haunted me; for days, weeks, months, years. Took me, I don't know how long, to even start to fall asleep normally again. And even then, I'll still think about it from time to time. I don't stop, drop everything I'm doing, and," I gave a nervous, frightened laugh. "Well, fall apart like this. But it's something I don't think I'm ever going to put past me."
Maya opened her mouth and started to speak, but shut it. Then a little while later told me, "Knight, that's fucking awful. But you at least feel remorse over it. It doesn't wash away anything, forgive you for what you did. But at the least it means you want to atone in some capacity, right? I'm not going to lie, say you're a good person." She turned away from me. "But none of us are. The most we can do is try our best to scramble and make up for whatever hell we bring, right?"
I wished she was right. I still wish she was right. But instead I shook my head and said to her, "No. You can't just do a ton of good deeds and claim, 'Well, this'll make up for everything I've done.' All you can do is try not to let it own you, and move on." I let my head fall back against the wall, a thud coming as it connected. "And pray to god you aren't jumping off the slippery slope."
ty
lethaldoors Guy's great; gave him a phrase to work with and came up with this, bloody beaut
I closed my eyes, counted; one, two, three. "No. You know how it is, best to get it out in the open. Avoid any awkwardness later on." She nodded slowly. "The worst thing I've done, huh?" My eyes started to zone out, vision blur and cross. "Well, I'd just started my work. Back then I was calling myself an 'Independent Contractor' still. Bullshit, but I wasn't really ready to call myself a mercenary just yet."
Maya sipped her drink. "Was Mage with you yet?"
"No, no. He was off trying to erase any of our histories, getting all those ducks in line. I was working by myself in the meanwhile, partially funding that. Sometimes I'd be with another person, but no official team. Kind of glad honestly." I wrung my hands together. "At the time I'd take whatever job I got, happy to just make a quick buck."
"And this making a quick buck is what did it?"
"Well. The job was simple; some PMC had troubles with some bandits and needed help cleaning house; rescuing a few of their men, assisting civilians. I was one of a few people they called. I went, got my orders, and got ready to execute them."
"So what went wrong?"
My eyes shut again. "I went to the location they gave me. Said all they needed from me personally was 'janitorial duties'. Cleaning up bodies, recovering weapons and anything of value, that kind of stuff. Well, when I opened the door, I saw what looked to be three of them, chained together. Leader of the PMC then contacted me, saying for the sake of legality he had to make sure there wasn't any kind of paper trail. Dangled a big bonus in front of me if I'd assist them in 'liquidating' the rest of the bandits."
I looked over at Maya and paused, but she didn't say anything this time. Just stared at me with soft eyes; she was judging, but not judgmental. Looking to gauge who I was now, and where I'd come from, probably. Or maybe she was thinking to herself about what a monster I was, all along. There was no telling with her, a woman so wrapped up in her own morals she'd blind herself.
"The bandits..." My tongue suddenly got dry and I had to lick my lips a bit. "They weren't armed, didn't even seem violent. For all I know, still know, they could've been civilians. But the PMC owner told me, 'Two thousand dollars a body.' And..."
I stopped. My own drink slipped out of my hands and to the ground, spilling over the metal floor. My body quivered a bit, but no tears came out. Instead I just sat there, a pool of my own remorse.
"I did it. Killed them all, took my pay, and went on about my life. And it haunted me; for days, weeks, months, years. Took me, I don't know how long, to even start to fall asleep normally again. And even then, I'll still think about it from time to time. I don't stop, drop everything I'm doing, and," I gave a nervous, frightened laugh. "Well, fall apart like this. But it's something I don't think I'm ever going to put past me."
Maya opened her mouth and started to speak, but shut it. Then a little while later told me, "Knight, that's fucking awful. But you at least feel remorse over it. It doesn't wash away anything, forgive you for what you did. But at the least it means you want to atone in some capacity, right? I'm not going to lie, say you're a good person." She turned away from me. "But none of us are. The most we can do is try our best to scramble and make up for whatever hell we bring, right?"
I wished she was right. I still wish she was right. But instead I shook my head and said to her, "No. You can't just do a ton of good deeds and claim, 'Well, this'll make up for everything I've done.' All you can do is try not to let it own you, and move on." I let my head fall back against the wall, a thud coming as it connected. "And pray to god you aren't jumping off the slippery slope."
ty
lethaldoors Guy's great; gave him a phrase to work with and came up with this, bloody beaut
Category Artwork (Traditional) / All
Species Cheetah
Size 1021 x 654px
File Size 1 MB
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