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Siren arrives at her new post on the massive Ark Ship, a massive salvaged vessel which dwarfs all currently manufactured Earth space craft at an estimated mass of 1,880,000 metric tons. Nervous because of her self perceived inadequacies she becomes very worried when she attracts the attention of her new superior.
* * *
Yes this is a re-post. Now in the non-suck version! Thanks to the people who left me comments on the rough draft. This is like draft 4 or some such.
The rough draft and prologue have, as promised, been sent to the scraps.
* * *
Yes this is a re-post. Now in the non-suck version! Thanks to the people who left me comments on the rough draft. This is like draft 4 or some such.
The rough draft and prologue have, as promised, been sent to the scraps.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 80px
File Size 22.6 kB
I really like these stories with Siren. I think you've definitely got something here.
The only part that threw me, was this part here:
"Sir, you already knew all of that," she accused. "I know it must be in my file and you must've been told. Why ask?"
It just felt like the wrong thing to say openly in a military environment, you know? The kind of thing that would get you in trouble. I almost thought that before she makes this statement, Siren should say, "Sir, permission to speak freely?"
That's the only thing. I've never been in the military, so I can't say for sure, but it just seems more plausible to me, given the limited understanding I do have.
I think I spotted a spelling error or two, and a few spots where I thought commas might help the flow(a couple of spots in dialogue specifically). But other then that, I really liked it.
The only part that threw me, was this part here:
"Sir, you already knew all of that," she accused. "I know it must be in my file and you must've been told. Why ask?"
It just felt like the wrong thing to say openly in a military environment, you know? The kind of thing that would get you in trouble. I almost thought that before she makes this statement, Siren should say, "Sir, permission to speak freely?"
That's the only thing. I've never been in the military, so I can't say for sure, but it just seems more plausible to me, given the limited understanding I do have.
I think I spotted a spelling error or two, and a few spots where I thought commas might help the flow(a couple of spots in dialogue specifically). But other then that, I really liked it.
That was intentional, and yes it could get her in trouble but really unless she is directly challenging the command structure it depends on the officer on if she is going to get in trouble. Those who go very closely by the books, or who feel insecure in their position, could very well reprimand her (situation might also matter - if she is in trouble already she would DEFINITELY get called on it), but being that this is only a semi-formal meeting and she is quite obviously right her current commander doesn't see the point of wasting the energy on a single outburst.
If you could please send me a note of the spelling errors and comma suggestions you would make specifically I will jot them down and make corrections when I have time to come back and in-depth edit.
If you could please send me a note of the spelling errors and comma suggestions you would make specifically I will jot them down and make corrections when I have time to come back and in-depth edit.
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