RIGHT. So you wanna eat something fucking tasty? Get this in you. Also, there aren't any peas in the rice, so I apologise for my dishonesty. This'll make about 5 large portions.

You're going to need:

For the curry:
- 2 spring onions (scallions), chopped
- 1 medium white onion, chopped.
- 3 medium potatoes, each peeled and cut into 12 chunks.
- 2 scotch bonnet chillis (or 1 if you're a fucking pussy), finely chopped. HEY, what do you think you're doing with those seeds? Leave them in, you fucking casual.
- Like, 6 sprigs of fresh thyme? I don't know, I'm not your fucking boss. Just pick the leaves off of those motherfuckers 'cause that's all you're gonna need.
- Ground white pepper and salt to taste. You don't need me to tell you how you like to season your shit.
- 6 tablespoons (yes, 15ml tablespoons) of hot curry powder (madras curry powder will do).
- 1 tablespoon of beef stock powder.
- 1 tablespoon of tomato paste.
- 4 cloves of crushed garlic.
AND FINALLY, 1.5kg of goat shoulder cut into meaty chunks. You can get the butcher to do this for you. If they don't have goat meat, mutton will do juuuuuuust fine. If they don't have mutton, use beef. If they don't have beef, then you're probably not in fucking butchers.

For the rice:
- 2 cups of rice (basmati or long grain, your choice).
- 1 can of black beans, or kidney beans if you prefer.
- 1 can of coconut milk
- 2 spring onions, chopped
- Salt and pepper to taste.
- The leaves off of four more sprigs of fresh thyme.
- Two cloves of crushed garlic.


OKAY, SO. First, put some salt and pepper on your goat meat. Now get your hands in there and rub it in. Thaaaat's it... Just like that you little bitch. Now put it in the fridge while you chop your vegetables.

Once you're done chopping, heat some oil in a big ol' pot. One of those fuck-off massive cast-iron Le Creuset ones is best, but so long as it's, like, 4 litres or more it should be fine.

Now fry off the goat (you left it in the fridge, remember?) until it's browned all over. It doesn't have to be cooked, just browned on the outside. Once that's done, add your curry powder. Yep, all six tablespoons of it. Stir it until everything is covered in curry powder. Everything in the pan, that is. If you're smearing it on yourself, stop it, you idiot.

Once that's a thing that has happened, add your chopped onions (white and spring), your chillis, your garlic, your thyme, your salt and pepper, and the tomato paste, and stir it all for a couple of minutes. Then, add water until it just covers everything. Bring it to a simmer, cover with a lid, and leave it for two hours.

Two whole hours, all to yourself... Go have a wank, you've earnt it. BUT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST. You don't want chilli juice all up in your bits.

Once you've had a wank (or done whatever else you might want to do for two hours), add your stock and your potatoes. Leave it simmering with the lid off while you do your rice, and they should both be ready at the same time if you don't fuck up.

Pour the liquid out of the can of black beans and into a measuring jug. NOT DOWN THE SINK. Add to it your can of coconut milk, and then add water until you have a total volume of one litre.

Pour this all into a pan, then add the beans back in, along with the garlic, spring onions, and salt and pepper to taste. Wash the rice thoroughly for, like, five minutes, otherwise, it'll end up horrendously sticky. Bring your pot to the boil, and add the rice in.

Boil it on a high heat for two minutes, and then reduce it to a simmer. Lid that shit, and simmer it until all of the liquid has been absorbed, which will take about 20 minutes. Don't take the lid off of the pot until you're reasonably sure it's done. There's steam in there, and that's what's cooking the rice. >:I

NOW. Your curry should be ready. The meat should be tender, and should fall apart nicely in your gob. The chunks of potato should be cooked through, and you should be able to easily cut through them with the side of a fork. Taste the sauce, season a bit more if you want, but don't go overboard.

If you're smart, you will have warmed your plates or bowls up in the oven for a bit. If you're dumb, warm the plates or bowls up in the oven for a bit.

Serve generous portions ('cause who likes a stingy host?) of the rice and the curry. I also heated up a flatbread because I needed to use them up, but you don't need 'em. Finally, enjoy!