FA+
Shop
220
Views
Views
3
Favorites
Favorites
Category
Poetry / Scenery
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 90
File Size 979 B
Report this content
More from D-Tail
Ta da!! =D
More poetry goodness from yours truly!! \(^o^)/
This here poem is actually the manifestation of PAST inspiration. You see, last December, it SNOWED here!!! (O.O)
It was the 2nd time I've seen and felt the stuff, and man did it POUR!! I live in Louisiana, so this kind of event is a rarity. =P
A tingling feeling began to stir inside of me when I looked out that window! A poem was certainly on its way, but not quite yet. =/
SO HERE IT IS!!! Words carved into a sheet of ice!! =O
Enjoy!! =P
**(Note) There are two characters to pay in mind: the earth and the sky. That aside, this poem was also a test for manipulating meter. I think it came out rather well. ^^
EDITED: (as of 2/19/09)
More poetry goodness from yours truly!! \(^o^)/
This here poem is actually the manifestation of PAST inspiration. You see, last December, it SNOWED here!!! (O.O)
It was the 2nd time I've seen and felt the stuff, and man did it POUR!! I live in Louisiana, so this kind of event is a rarity. =P
A tingling feeling began to stir inside of me when I looked out that window! A poem was certainly on its way, but not quite yet. =/
SO HERE IT IS!!! Words carved into a sheet of ice!! =O
Enjoy!! =P
**(Note) There are two characters to pay in mind: the earth and the sky. That aside, this poem was also a test for manipulating meter. I think it came out rather well. ^^
EDITED: (as of 2/19/09)
Category Poetry / Scenery
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 90px
File Size 979 B
Kitty is jealous but also in love. >.>
I've always wanted to see snow.....Curse you Florida with your sunny yet unpredictable weather.
But I'm love with this poem. You have again turned something so simple such as snow, into a work of beauty and art.
And you always know the right way to end each poem. I could probably live with just those words, if I wanted to.
Also Kitty has spared Merlin, because you kept your promise......to of course keep the magic coming.
I've always wanted to see snow.....Curse you Florida with your sunny yet unpredictable weather.
But I'm love with this poem. You have again turned something so simple such as snow, into a work of beauty and art.
And you always know the right way to end each poem. I could probably live with just those words, if I wanted to.
Also Kitty has spared Merlin, because you kept your promise......to of course keep the magic coming.
THAT is a nice piece of work! It sounds great, is very evocative, and lacks any of the little tiresome touches one usually sees in FA poetry-- I can forgive the melodrama of succumbing and weeping, readily, for the overall effect.
The phrase "stippled sheet of a cryptic night," is a little too loaded. Stippled is a great word, but at the end of the line I can't remember whether we're making art, riddles, or celestial events. A good simile makes you go "yeah, those're the same!" which is waaaaay harder with three things. (For the same reason: polyamory doesn't work. ^_^)
This is also a touch awkward: "Enveloped by an iced jewel jail/
the frigid shards of North Pole pierce." I guess I expect things to be enveloped in, not by. And using pierce without an object is distracting. It's a fine line one always walks playing with diction like this. It's probably fine, I'm just nitpicking.
Also, while I'm at that, just say "scorns" not "scorns at." You're working with sprung rythm here anyway-- and it works throughout. I wouldn't hesitate to take the definite article out and make Terra more of a person, either: "And Terra scorns the silent snow!"
I really hate winter, BTW (yes, I know, I'm a sucky polarbear). If there's a heavy allusion to some interpersonal strife, I don't get it. The way personality leaps out of the inanimate in the last four lines, I feel like I'm almost being compelled to conclude there isn't any real perosnality intended, and that the whole thing is very much about the season I happen to loathe.
I have no idea if that last part is what you intended, and probably the overall impact of the thing hinges a lot on that. (I intentionally didn't read your comments before reading your poem. Sounds like probably you're on the mark.)
The phrase "stippled sheet of a cryptic night," is a little too loaded. Stippled is a great word, but at the end of the line I can't remember whether we're making art, riddles, or celestial events. A good simile makes you go "yeah, those're the same!" which is waaaaay harder with three things. (For the same reason: polyamory doesn't work. ^_^)
This is also a touch awkward: "Enveloped by an iced jewel jail/
the frigid shards of North Pole pierce." I guess I expect things to be enveloped in, not by. And using pierce without an object is distracting. It's a fine line one always walks playing with diction like this. It's probably fine, I'm just nitpicking.
Also, while I'm at that, just say "scorns" not "scorns at." You're working with sprung rythm here anyway-- and it works throughout. I wouldn't hesitate to take the definite article out and make Terra more of a person, either: "And Terra scorns the silent snow!"
I really hate winter, BTW (yes, I know, I'm a sucky polarbear). If there's a heavy allusion to some interpersonal strife, I don't get it. The way personality leaps out of the inanimate in the last four lines, I feel like I'm almost being compelled to conclude there isn't any real perosnality intended, and that the whole thing is very much about the season I happen to loathe.
I have no idea if that last part is what you intended, and probably the overall impact of the thing hinges a lot on that. (I intentionally didn't read your comments before reading your poem. Sounds like probably you're on the mark.)
Hmm, I think I see what you mean about the "stippled sheet..." =P
Perhaps "cryptic" is oddball there?! (thought I do like that word) x3
"Enveloped BY in an iced jewel jail" yeah, now that I think about it, "IN" is indeed the correct word!! (thanks for the save) =O
Ahh, yes...the articles. Well, this piece was a nice little experiment with meter. The type I was fooling around with this time was (anapestic, un/un/str). I definitely see your point, but I wouldn't want to break the anapestic trend I set earlier. ^^
As for the personality thing, here's how I pictured it:
(For starters...you'll have to ignore the natural change of seasons) Anyhoo, the earth knows that the cold of winter is pretty much a death sentence on the flora (most anyways). She really doesn't like it when that happens. As for the sky crying and such. Tears (rain) are one thing, but frozen tears (snow)?! (O.O) It's kind of my interpretation of snow. What could possibly cause the sky to bring down such a thing? The weather for the other 3 season doesn't really affect the flora that much. Something must really be troubling the sky for it to send down such cold feelings. Heh, what that trouble is...even I don't know! That's basically how I went about writing it. =D
I have a habit of enjoying things are overly imaginative (and aren't rooted too deeply into logic)! x3
Oh, and thanks much for the constructive commentary my furiend! \(^o^)/
*though you're a polar bear that hates the cold...you're still huggable!! =3
Perhaps "cryptic" is oddball there?! (thought I do like that word) x3
"Enveloped BY in an iced jewel jail" yeah, now that I think about it, "IN" is indeed the correct word!! (thanks for the save) =O
Ahh, yes...the articles. Well, this piece was a nice little experiment with meter. The type I was fooling around with this time was (anapestic, un/un/str). I definitely see your point, but I wouldn't want to break the anapestic trend I set earlier. ^^
As for the personality thing, here's how I pictured it:
(For starters...you'll have to ignore the natural change of seasons) Anyhoo, the earth knows that the cold of winter is pretty much a death sentence on the flora (most anyways). She really doesn't like it when that happens. As for the sky crying and such. Tears (rain) are one thing, but frozen tears (snow)?! (O.O) It's kind of my interpretation of snow. What could possibly cause the sky to bring down such a thing? The weather for the other 3 season doesn't really affect the flora that much. Something must really be troubling the sky for it to send down such cold feelings. Heh, what that trouble is...even I don't know! That's basically how I went about writing it. =D
I have a habit of enjoying things are overly imaginative (and aren't rooted too deeply into logic)! x3
Oh, and thanks much for the constructive commentary my furiend! \(^o^)/
*though you're a polar bear that hates the cold...you're still huggable!! =3
I like the switch back and forth between Tetrameter and Pentameter. I also enjoy how it flows through the ways of a building storm. I'm not quite sure what the blurring blue is, but other than that it's great. I don't see what Furth was talking about the line with 'stippling and cryptic' in it. I think it works right fine, because winter is mysterious, and snow is it's veil. But alas I am not him.
Well, as you can see, I EDITED that line for it to work better, so it's actually not there anymore! x3
Also, that line was describing how the speckled snow is similar to a speckled night. I used cryptic to describe how the night sky is mysterious. Though it was a good intention, I finally saw what he meant by it weighing the image down. =/
It's like this: "stippled sheet" implies dotting something...so artwork if you will; "cryptic" implies puzzles or mystery. Calling the night sky cryptic kinda overpowered my initial image of the sky just being dotted like snowflakes. THAT was the issue. It's a very subtle issue, but quite understandable. Therefore, I simply switched cryptic with "moonlight." I can retain the meter and beauty of the line, but ALSO keep the image intact by using a more (night-time) appropriate word. \(^o^)/
Heeee, I hope that made sense. (>.<)
But thank you very much for your comments! Furthling is of great help sense he tells me as HE sees it. Opinions will better me, even if I don't quite comprehend them right away! ^^
Also, that line was describing how the speckled snow is similar to a speckled night. I used cryptic to describe how the night sky is mysterious. Though it was a good intention, I finally saw what he meant by it weighing the image down. =/
It's like this: "stippled sheet" implies dotting something...so artwork if you will; "cryptic" implies puzzles or mystery. Calling the night sky cryptic kinda overpowered my initial image of the sky just being dotted like snowflakes. THAT was the issue. It's a very subtle issue, but quite understandable. Therefore, I simply switched cryptic with "moonlight." I can retain the meter and beauty of the line, but ALSO keep the image intact by using a more (night-time) appropriate word. \(^o^)/
Heeee, I hope that made sense. (>.<)
But thank you very much for your comments! Furthling is of great help sense he tells me as HE sees it. Opinions will better me, even if I don't quite comprehend them right away! ^^
Comments