There isn't much I can say here without it feeling cheesy or false... so I'll say this.

Thank you. Thank you for making and posting these, for sharing these things with us. And for those of us who have gone through anything similar, reminding us that we are not alone. Life is often cruel... but you've stood strong this long, and for the longest time, you've been one of my inspirations to keep moving as well. ^^

i feel the more we talk about mental healthh, and how it affects people the lest stigma there will be around it

so on top of communicating my own troubles, i think it helps others to see it also

Your experience seems to be pretty normal for those in similar circumstances. All you really can do is keep trying to be aware of those you seek a relationship with. You could always "adopt" a mom. Volunteer at a place for the elderly, find one that never gets visited by her kids, and help her out. I am sure she won't mind you wanting motherly attention in return, just make sure you brighten her day as well.

Everyone needs a mother and most good mothers want someone to smother with their affection.

Even after we talked about this and it's been a few months since my "dad" hit me.... I wish so many times that I had the guts to tell someon... Even when I did he found a way to disprove anything I said. Teachers, my freinds and even my family never thought he could do anything but thought of me as " faking being depressed to get out of work ". But the worse part of it, the bruses and broken bones will heal, but my sprit my mind and my outlook on life is shattered. The person you want to help you along when life gets bad instead beats you down. But the one way or another, good or bad it does come to an end. Even with cussing and screaming by my dad saying " im going to be another dropout working the fields till I die" I'm making it. I'm moving out and I can't wait to free myself of this burden!!

My great grandma told me this before she passed " there is a little good that Comes from evil ". I meet amazing furries here on FA, people that gave me support and were there to talk to (( like you and I thank you for being an awesome person !!)) and letting me see the brighter side of my dark times

I don't imagine that knowing there's nothing wrong with you actually helps in these sorts of situations.

it really doesnt

its something thats kinda branded into your brain. and it goes happily hand in hand with low self esteem and depression.

Kind of hard to imagine, as someone who doesn't have a whole lot of personal experience with emotional trauma. Most I can say is that I hope things get better, but I don't imagine my saying that will do anything.

You grew up with an abusive mother, so you've been conditioned deep down to believe that is normal. you're not broken, you're not unlovable, However, because your mother figure behaved this way, you may be drawn to it simply because some part of you, irrational and though you know it is wrong, believes that is what should be. It is a very difficult sort of cycle to break.

Knowing what I do now, that you had an abusive relationship at all, I am both glad, and even impressed that you got out of it. I hope you really find someone nice whom deserves you. Many in those positions fall to something called "learned helplessness" and it is something I think you should read into, it may help you to understand some of what you're going through. When someone is abused for long enough, as you have been from childhood, they come to believe that there is no way out. Even when presented with a chance to escape, they may not be able to see it. It is why abusive relationships are so hard to escape, why people on the outside have such trouble to understand why it is so difficult, they have not been conditioned in this way.

I suppose the logic, and reason behind it, does little to resolve the pain it causes you now, but maybe understanding is something that can help you find control. I would suggest, if you are not already, that you talk to someone with more professional experience if at all possible. Many may look down on it, but taking that step can do you a great deal of good and they may be able to help you come to terms with and even change what keeps drawing you into these destructive relationships and tendencies.

I cannot think of anything more I could say, save for that I hope you find happiness in the end. I'd offer hugs or anything at all to make you feel better, but I imagine the words of a stranger do much. I would not, however, mind getting to know you better and offering support. Even if you don't think you need it.

ive been wanting to seek therapy for a long time now, but my main barrier is finding transportation and finding one that takes my state health insurance

Keep trying, is all I can say to that. If it was something you could do using skype or something similar to that I might suggest that. However you manage it, think it may help. I wish I could help you myself even, only having experienced a fraction of what you have gone through is enough to know no one should suffer that. If you ever want to vent or just have an sympathetic ear, I'd offer my own.

Honestly, I hate to say it, but I kinda know what you're going through. Obviously not identical situations, but I was abused emotionally and physically by my father and older brother, and god damn, do I have some issues because of it. I was endlessly told I was useless, used for others' personal gain, and convinced I was completely worthless unless I achieved impossible standards of excellence. So despite being intelligent, generous, and strong, I grew up feeling like a fat, ugly, stupid, worthless pile of human trash good for nothing other than being an emotional outlet for other people.
It fucking sucks. I'm truly sorry about that. Every time I see something about father/daughter relationships I get vomit-y.
Honestly? There's absolutely nothing I could say to you that would make it better and I know that. But I do know self harm, suicide, and self pity aren't the answers; I don't know if you suffer with any of that, but I learned that shit the hard way, and I really wish somebody would have told me that a lot sooner.
The only thing that would help you with being unconsciously drawn to people like your mother is a mental health professional. But I get you on the health insurance etc thing. I wish you the best in finding one.