this is vent art that i actually drew with my laptop mousepad. i looked at  ShadowInkWarrior 's base while drawing this. dont have the energy to draw it 100% myself

im venting out here, so no need to read this.

almost all of my inspiration is gone by now, and im about to fail my school year. theres a lot of work due that i honestly could have gotten done if i had just actually wanted to do them. my parents call me lazy, even after talking to my psychologist and being told i have problems with motivation and i have some sort of condition about not caring about what happens to me?

whatever... theres a lot of things i couldve done, but i dont feel like i have what it takes. im just occupying someones place at the best arts school of my country, completely letting myself go by everything. i thought i would get better, but its been worsening these past two years, bit by bit, worsening, getting better, worsening again. i dont feel like i belong anywhere.

ive lost people that were very important to me. i messed up really bad and no matter what i do, they never looked at me the same way again. i doubt they ever will, and they probably shouldnt, no matter how much i want to make it up to them. i miss the times we spent together without feeling this brick wall between us. ive been cutting contact with most of my friends too.

there was a lot of people i talked to, but now im down to 3. and i dont even talk to these every day.

one lives in the same place i do, and is going through depression too, but the times we spend together are the best we have. were like brothers.

the other two are from my school. my social lifes been a huge mess, i cant get anything right with anyone else. i cant get peace at home, it's either yelling and arguments or crying.

i forget the last time my parents said they were proud of me. im sick of hearing the same things. 'i cant take this anymore' 'what did i do to deserve this?' 'why cant you just stop being lazy and work?' 'its arts, you barely have to study, everyone has great grades, why dont you?' 'im disappointed in you.'
it hurts a lot.

yesterday i cut contact with almost all of the other friends i had, including the ones who i had problems with.

the only happiness i get is short. the times i spend with my brother. and the times i spend higher than heaven sits.

ive been feeling so awful and stressed out i puked twice yesterday, every time i tried to eat. i used to be the kind of person that would eat 3 dishes, like a fucking monster. now i can barely finish half of my plate. i feel awful all the time, and cant even tell from anxiety in my gut, or hunger anymore.

i feel empty just like i did last summer. im no one. and at this rate, everything will get worse. it's extreme to say this, and it might seem like im just trying to get attention, but im not. im not going to cut myself or commit suicide because it's not worth the effort. but death sounds... okay.