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Magic Dabbling Part Four
Waves of satisfaction rolled off the black furball in my arms and into me. It's chest rose and fell with precision that only the peace of sleep could bring. Wrapped in blankets, an arm encircling a colourful plush and bliss evident on his face. It was hard not to fall asleep myself. Everything about the little wolf cub radiated a tranquil happiness. I smiled as a thumb became trapped in his muzzle and he began to suck on it. Reaching into my pocket, I retrieved a red dummy to replace it.
It was all such a stark contrast from the water logged cub of a few minutes ago. Never in my life had I seen such an emotional upheaval from someone so young. It was beyond a temper tantrum. That look in Foran's eyes. The last time I'd seen that level of utter despair had, well, it had been in my parent's eyes. I shivered. That was one hell of a night. Losing a son was like losing your heart. Losing a little brother was like losing your soul.
Even after all these years I still felt guilt, its claws had dug deep into my heart and left hefty scars. I closed my eyes. Screams of terror filled my ears as memories returned to the surface. The sheer agony on the little fox's face and his eyes pleading for respite. And my body there, frozen, staring. Paralysis controlled my body and mind, all I could do was observe. Observe as I refused to help someone suffering. Observe as a loved one suffered. Observe as my brother died before me and I did nothing. A single tear. What kind of sister had I been?
No. My eyes opened. I was sick of dwelling on the past. What was the point? All that was behind me and it wasn't even my fault. Now I had control of my life with a meaningful job. All it took was a little effort and I could make a difference.
I could make a difference.
My back straightened, my eyebrows contorted in a frown. I couldn't do something then, but I could take action now. One too many had slipped through my fingers on account of my inaction.
I parted the wolf cub with a kiss. Taking great care, I carried the delicate package over to the cot. Why I'd been so idle before, I didn't know. There had been others like Foran, but it wasn't hard to see his struggle was desperate. Perhaps I could help repair the damage that'd been done. I would find Foran a good home and family. For those like him, there might yet be a hope. No more would I sit by as their lives fell apart. Wasn't that why I took this job in the first place?
My stride was long; purpose and determination driving me forward. Down the hall, into the office. I opened the draw and started shuffling through the files. My finger stopped at the letter F. I pulled out a rather small file with only a single summary sheet. An elegant signature sat below a name: Susanna Wolfbain. I sneered. What kind of mother threw away their son?
Something caught my eye, or rather the lack of something did. Why was there no birth date? Seemed like a hard detail to miss. I shrugged. Nothing to be done about it now. I started putting the file away when a small leaflet fell out. An incident report.
With a quick glance around for any prying eyes, I picked up the paper. Regardless of morals, my curiosity was going ahead. I scanned over the report. But it was all information I already knew. Foran had been caught in a magic accident. Wouldn't surprise me if that gave him trauma. There was sparse details on the effects or cause, let alone what is was.
I gave my head a shake. All this talk of magical misfortune was just bringing up more repressed memories. Both Foran and my brother shared such an incident in common, though the major difference been one made it out alive. I guess my brother was better off in some ways. He had loving parents and wasn't abandoned.
A candle ignited in my head. I tried to blow it out, but it was quick to grow into a roaring flame. The idea continued to blossom in my head, but I pushed it aside. It wasn't a viable option.
Reorganising the file, I returned it to its resting place. But I couldn't look away. That manila folder continued beckoning to me. It wasn't that unviable, was it? I had a stable income and a decent living space. This wasn't the first time I'd considered something like it.
My back turned, but the indecision still wrestled in my mind. So, considering I did have the finance, what made me think I was ready for this stage in life? I lived alone after all. Was it even morally sound? Well, there was only one way to find out.
I was adopting Foran Wolfbain.
It was astonishing how calming a resolute decision was. My shoulders seemed to drop two metres, tension just fleeing my body. I couldn't help feeling a small bout of accomplishment. There was still a lot of work to do though.
Casting a cautious glance into the hallway, I slipped out of the office. A slight gust of wind and a click alerted me to the doors closing. The arch of my spine became a solid line. My shoulders pushed back, raising my neck upwards. I let my tail fall to the side and my ears perk. For trying to appear nonchalant I was sure putting a lot of effort into it.
With light footsteps I made to the nursery door. I paused. You needed calm before entering the children's drama theatre. Taking a deep breath, I stepped through the door. But instead of kids running rampage the place was quiet. They all lay down on plastic mats and cots, their overactive minds lost in the ether. My breath released itself; they were asleep. A chuckle. One could only take so many young complaints in a day. Sometimes it felt like herding sheep and others like trying to control a jailhouse.
I stepped around the land mines. No way in hell was I waking them up. I made my way over to Joel. He sat in the corner chair having nodded off. The smile returned to my face. It wasn't just the kids who were exhausted.
I tapped his shoulder, "Oi monkey, time to go home." He shot awake, yellow eyes opening wide. A brief glimpse of fear appeared in them. "You're finished for today, Joel. Go home and have a decent sleep." Joel nodded. His wary gaze relaxed a bit.
"Thanks, Rachel. Sorry about before," he said. I waved him off.
"We all make mistakes. You're doing fine. Keep your anger in check is all. I'll see you tomorrow?" He nodded before leaving.
I settled into the chair, my lazy legs unable to support me anymore. It'd been one heck of a morning. Seemed to be that all the kids had been taking shots of red cordial. Every five minutes some new problem arose. He did this, she did that. Playing judge, juror and executioner took a lot out of you. Thank goodness they feared a time out. Who knew how else you'd control them otherwise.
My attention turned to their peaceful faces; no worries or cares. Everything right in the world. I gave a sigh. But they were all so beautiful. Childhood was one of greatest times and I got to help foster them through that. Even if for just a short while, seeing them grow to learn all the little intricacies and nuances of life was a pleasure. I understood what parenthood was about, why someone would choose to go through it. That ability to love and care for someone, to guide them. To be proud of every accomplishment knowing that you played a part in it all.
Now I wanted to take that on.
The first of them awoke. A little duck stretched its wings with a soft yawning quack. I sighed. Nap time could never last long enough. I stood up and approached the duck. She rubbed her eyes and looked up at me. Putting a finger to my lips, I beckoned her over. The duck moved towards me and stepped over the other bodies. Or at least tried to.
It all seemed to play out in slow motion. As the duck fell, so did my hopes for peace. The cat gave a loud yowl as their little body was crushed under the heavy feather weight. Numerous little heads raised up at the noise. All of them wide awake. Another sigh. Perhaps one day nap time would last.
"Alright guys and gals, put your blankets away please," I said. "Remember to fold them." Number one on the toddler duty list, keep them distracted. I wandered my eyes over the room. Toy boxes all full. Arts and crafts table stocked. I gave a little nod; that would do for now. Next was the cleaning utensils. Mess was an inevitability. A mop bucket, broom and vacuum cleaner all at the ready. Nobody was ruining the carpet today. I was prepared.
A knock came at the door. I did one last scan of the room. Other than the beginnings of a toy minefield, nothing was wrong so I opened the door.
"Hey, Rachel," said the raven, a smile on his face. "Need any help?"
The relief was like a cold damp cloth running across my face. "Thank the gods, Corvie," I said. "Another toddler duty by myself could cause me to go completely insane."
He chuckled, "As if that hadn't happened already." My face was a murky pool with the dirty look I gave him. He followed in behind, continuing to chortle. My eyes just rolled. Corvie loved to joke, in particular when he knew it was a stupid one. Lucky he was good at his job. And a nice chap too.
"Nap time didn't last, huh?" Corvie asked. I nodded. "Good thing I arrived when I did. What needs doing?"
"Eh, just supervision right now. No disasters yet." But I'd spoken too soon. As if right on cue, there came an angry shout. We both turned to catch a strange sight.
A small crocodile was gnashing their half grown knives at a little Jack Russell. The puppy in question was laughing atop a table and dangling something piñata style, something the crocodile seemed intent on reaching it. His cries of irritation only spurred on the puppy's hysterics.
Corvie and I made a silent agreement. We made for the pair. I focused my curiosity on the arguments cause. My eyebrows rose. What on earth they were fighting over a bar of soap for was beyond me. Regardless, the crocodile was attempting to catch the soap with his teeth. It was not hard to see someone with a sore little paw soon. Not to mention you weren't meant to climb furniture.
"Okay, you two. What's going on here?" said Corvie.
The crocodile pointed at the soap, "I want dat thing! It smells nice and the doggie said it was a lolly. But she no share." He put on a pouty face and the puppy giggled. It appeared we had a trickster on our hands.
I stepped in. "Well, I guess that's not fair then, is it?" The little reptile shook his head. I looked at the Jack Russell and she gave a meek nod. "Can I have the soap then, please?" A paw held out the soap to me. I gave the crocodile the goods. "See now," I said. "Sharing's much better."
The crocodile cheered for joy. And then he took a massive bite.
For a few seconds, all four of us stood stock still in surprise. A look of disgust turned the little reptile a deeper shade of green than normal. The puppy begun to howl with laughter. Against all my self control, I too broke into hysterics. Corvie was soon to follow.
Of all the things, I had not expected that to happen. Tears formed in my eyes as the crocodile danced around on the spot. But it was too little avail. Corvie's own cackles drew some curious glances from the others.
I put my paw around the crocodile's shoulders, "You know you can't eat that?" Breathing in, I managed to contain my laughter. "You're alright?" He nodded, though he was still pouting. Nothing was said as his tongue lolled out limp like. "Well, so long as you don't say any naughty words, you won't have to taste it again." The mere idea of tasting soap again widened his eyes. This crocodile was never going to swear. He shook his head with vigour to show his disapproval. But it was that tongue that sold the image. After lying limp, the head shaking was giving it a rampant and wild jumpstart. It was ludicrous and hilarious.
A new wave of hysterics began.







My paw was shaking. The paper it held was the centre of my focus. This document held a choice, one there was no turning back from. Once committed, I was set on this path. I took a deep breath. And signed. The pen fell to the desk and I fell back into the chair.
For a month now that decision had been wrestling around my mind. On many occasions I'd almost turned away, but my yearn for such a golden opportunity was too strong. And now Foran was mine.
My gaze met the kangaroo across from me. She smiled, the smile of a mother.
"I think you've made the right choice, Rachel dear. I know you're more then capable of been a mother, there's a lot of you in me." She paused, "But this won't be easy. Parenthood has many challenges. Just don't be afraid to come to me for help. You're all ready and set up, right?"
I nodded, "Yeah. I've a room and all. Thanks for donating me the cot, I appreciate it."
The mother roo just continued to beam. "No worries, dear. I'm here to help."
We both stood up and embraced in a hug. I whispered in her ear, "Thank you for everything. You've been like a second mum to me." A few tears formed in my eyes.
She took a small hop back, a twinkle in her eye. "You say that as if this I won't see you again. Whilst you may have three months off, I still want you back some time."
A laugh. "I would never dream of leaving."
I stepped through the door, making my way down the hallway and turning off at the nap room. My steps stopped in front of his cot, looking down upon the black furball. His little tummy rose and fell in the peaceful grasp of sleep, the dummy working in and out of his mouth. Adorable was written all over him. Lowering the bars, I reached in and picked him up. With great care I held the pup to my chest. I couldn't bring myself to wake the sleeping babe.
Like Mary Poppins I descended the stairs. Each step glided me downwards. Much to my surprise the little bundle in my arms didn't stir once. My breath released itself at the bottom. But my mind was still in overdrive. No matter how hard I tried to dissuade it, it continued to think over the same loop, despite all I'd already had to mull this over.
Had I made the right decision? How was I supposed to cope? Did I have what it took? Had I made the right decision?
On the road, I couldn't help but check my rear mirror every few seconds. Just to make sure this wasn't all a dream. Yet every time, it appeared that the same little tyke was there sleeping in his seat. Every illuminating street light that passed by built my anticipation. I still could not believe that this was happening to me, even though the surreality was of my own cause.
I pulled up outside the small suburban unit. The cool night air brought a sense of calm to me. Taking Foran into my arms, I made towards the front door. With a jangle of keys and a doorknob twist, the door to my new life opened. I took another moment to brace myself.
Foran stirred in my arms and yawned. His eyes blinked open. They stared up at me, glazed over. I smiled to him. The glaze disappeared and he focused on me, frowning.
"Good to see you awake, little one," I said, trying on a mother's voice. "Have a nice nap?" His frown stuck. He looked around at the new surroundings, still sucking on the dummy. "Welcome to your new home, Foran." His gaze turned to me, the frown dissipating. But it was replaced with something oh so much worse: that look of complete and utter despair. That ever persistent depression. I shivered. The last time I'd seen… Maybe he was just hungry.
I placed Foran in the new high chair and walked into the kitchen. It seemed something special was in order. Setting the treat in front of him, I took my own seat.
The lid popped off and I let the smell waft to his nose. It didn't even twitch. This was a new one. I hadn't met a single baby on the whole planet who didn't like some sweet apple sauce. Ah well, it was open now. Whether he liked it or not, Foran was eating it. But still he went against my expectations. When I made to feed him a spoonful, he ate it without even so much as a fuss. I tilted my head in a quizzical manner. Did he like it or not?
The meal came to an end yet the forlorn look still remained. It seemed hunger was not the problem.
After a quick clean, I picked up Foran and carried him to the lounge room. Somehow a play pen had managed to be squeezed in. A small blanket and box of toys took up some of the enclosure. I added Foran to that mix, safe upon the blanket.
My hand drew forth a little squeaky bone. I was yet to meet a little canine who didn't love these things, if not a few adults. Squeak. There was nothing. No response at all.
"Hey, Foran. Look at the bone." Calling his name drew his eyesight towards me. His ears remained folded forward. The puppy turned away from both me and the squeaky toy. A little whimper came from his muzzle. I tried bringing the toy back into his eyesight though to no avail. It seemed not even that could draw him out.
Of course! The worm toy. He seemed to love that thing.
Hope welled up in me. How was I so stupid? I laughed. All along he just wanted his cuddle buddy. My quest took me back to my abandoned bag. It took some tedious scavenging, but I managed to retrieve the multicoloured prize.
"Well, Mr Worm," I said. "I do believe your companionship is required."
I returned to the lounge. Displaying the toy to Foran, I gave it a shake. A small rattle inside of it drew his attention. My smile returned.
The stuffed worm seemed to be drawn into his arms. He snatched it and held it close, the worm giving off a little squeak. It had a squeaker as well as a rattle? No wonder he seemed to be addicted to that thing. Foran held onto it tight and looked up at me with those big sad eyes. I sighed. My hand reached down and patted the fur on his head. His eyes closed over sending a small shiver down his body. Maybe I was getting through to him. But just as my hope began to reach a boil, it was snatched away. Foran turned from me again, scrunching his eyes whilst he embraced the fetal position. It was almost like he was hiding. From what though?
The bucket of water cascaded down my back. It was me. I was the one he was hiding from. He didn't like me, I brought the sadness. A similar feeling began to be inspired in me. Was I the one who was causing him such distress? Surely not. The doubts were returning.
Breath, Rachel. The oxygen returned a state of calm to my mind.
Maybe he was tired or it could just be down to a new environment. And even if I was causing him distress, perhaps he would adapt with time. That was all I needed: time. This wasn't going to happen overnight.
But it still seemed like an awfully strong reaction. His level of distress boarded on pure terror. Could I work through that?
Well, there was only one way to find out.
I looked down at the puppy. Perhaps a little play time could break the ice. The bone didn't seem to work, but perhaps a rattle like on his stuffed toy? I drew forth the rattle from the box. A cheap plastic thing, I hoped it would do the job.
My approach was sly. At first I waved it off from a distance. His ears perked. It took some control to contain my cheer. There was still a long way to go, this fish was fighting. Pff, fishing. Too many weekends with dad.
I shook myself and the rattle back to reality, moving closer to the target. His ears were still attentive, but they were slipping. They'd lost some of their interest. Time to regain it.
"Foran," I whispered. He shuddered at the sound of his name. I gave the rattle another shake. His ears returned to their peak. Come on, Rachel. Just got to play this right. The rattle snake let lose its seducing sound once more. My tail tucked between my legs, the stress getting to me. "Come on, buddy. Turn around," I said. It seemed to have an effect. His head shuffled round, his eye watching me in their peripherals. I broke into a wide grin.
Yet as soon we made eye contact he returned back to his hole. Another sigh. So close, and yet so far. Well, I just had to try again.
It seemed he'd caught onto my trick though. Twice more I tried but neither time he turned around. By the third attempt his ears didn't even lift.
I sat back, dejection evident in my body. My tail sagged, and my ears followed suit. Leaning against the couch, I pondered my next move. He couldn't be tired because I'd woken him from an eleven hour nap not an hour ago. There wasn't much else I could do for a baby. All they did was eat, play, sleep, cry and be adorable. This one was failing on three of those accounts yet he ate with apathy and even the cute factor was dialled down. At least that was all since he came here.
No matter what way I looked at it, it always seemed to come back to the fact he'd been so upset around me. Sure, there had been times before where he'd curled up and tried to shut out the world, but someone had managed to get through to him. It was his episodes that made me want to adopt in the first place anyway. I thought I could offer him the love and care that he needed.
But it appeared not.
What else could I do? Persistence was seeming ever harder in the face of this adversary. Sure, I could keep going, but to what end? How much was too much?
I closed my eyes over. Maybe, maybe I could just try again tomorrow. It wasn't that late, but already I felt exhausted. Perhaps giving Foran time to himself could bring him round. A single tear rolled off my cheek. It was gone quick.
Taking to my feet, I reached into the playpen and picked Foran up. Taking after the worm, he started to wriggle in my arms. My claw scratched behind his ear and he calmed. A little whimper left his muzzle. That whimper brought out my inner demons. I wasn't causing him distress was I? Was I?
My head shook trying to dislodge the devils. Trying to battle my own mind, I set out into the hallway. I had to slow my pace. The gates to the nursery opened.
The smell of fresh paint still hung in the air, the colourful and happy lies it propagated grated me. All the new furniture of the room: the crib, table, and above all else the rocking chair, it all drove home the message of false hope. It was all purchased in the hopes of fulfilling a narcissistic and ideological dream that could never be. And now it had come to mock me and point out my failures.
The tear rolled off my cheek and onto the babe in my arms. With tender care that wasn't mine to give, I placed Foran in the crib. He acted as a mirror now, those big brown eyes staring up at me. I turned away and made for the door.
I paused at its fringe. My attempts to dislodge the doubts had ran dry, and now despair was taking their place. The light turned off and the went hope with it. Right as the door was closed I caught one last glimpse of the young wolf and his face. His expression haunted me, it's image now burned onto my retina. He was trying to tell me something, the answer to that question. I'd made a mistake. That's what it was. He knew I had done wrong.
I had made the wrong decision.

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Woohoo. Five months instead of six! Keep this trend going and the next one's out in four. *Fingers crossed* Sorry about the time it took. I had period of writing block and needed to go through some rigorous quality control.

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