Decisions are awful, aren't they? You spend so much time thinking about the right answer and end up immediately regretting making it. But there's no avoiding them

How so bud? Why are you always a shield?

It's when you always try to put others before yourself, those you love especially so. You do everything to protect and provide, with your limited powers, though in the end you try compensate for the joy you don't get from selfish choices with-

I guess I could quit drinking, let my creative pursuits fall like a house of cards for the almighty dollar and be miserable, and live much like a monk while I serve the gods that are the cardinal points of my moral compass. Sometimes I feel shame and self reproach because I don't, and sometimes I couldn't care less.

Functional alcoholics are really two different individuals with the same face.

Sounds to me like your trying to do an "eye for an eye" sort of thing with your actions, doing something altruistic whenever you do something selfish. It's not inherently a bad thing though, so long as you still do those good things what does it matter if it was for the wrong reasons

BAH! Let the gods worry about the gods, if you don't feel the need to follow then don't. There's no shame in being a good person simply because you want to be a good person. So long as you can still carry yourself on your current budget there is no need to stop what you're doing

It's not just functional alcoholics, everyone has a second face that they never let anyone see. You, me, kids, adults, the elderly, everyone