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Sorry it's taken so long to upload another chapter. I'm going to try and start uploading a new chapter every month.
And thank you again http://www.furaffinity.net/user/rainhues/ for the thumbnail image, feel free to shoot her a commission if you need something.
And thank you again http://www.furaffinity.net/user/rainhues/ for the thumbnail image, feel free to shoot her a commission if you need something.
Category Story / Human
Species Bear (Other)
Size 120 x 79px
File Size 376.3 kB
Listed in Folders
Thanks for the feedback, it means a lot.
I've been taking a small break the past few days, after the insane semester I just went through, but I'm ready to start working on the next chapter again.
I'll have much more free time until school starts up again in January, and if nothing crazy happens, I hope to upload at least one new chapter before the second week of January.
I've been taking a small break the past few days, after the insane semester I just went through, but I'm ready to start working on the next chapter again.
I'll have much more free time until school starts up again in January, and if nothing crazy happens, I hope to upload at least one new chapter before the second week of January.
This so far has been a wonderful coming of age story that has a lot of potential. The style is very simple, nonetheless so far that is acceptable for its rhetorical presentation.
Some critique:
Don’t create blocks of character details when introducing a new character. Like with the tiger family, instead introduce them naturally throughout a text. Yes, these things can be important as they help make character and scene, but in large blocks they can create a shut off for the audiences mind. Find ways to break it down throughout a text. It is harder to do in first person as we are dependent on character internalization; however, that internalization is the key here. It is also potent from the perspective of the “other” and the child coming of age. Tap into that: Wonder, Fear, Awe, excitement, questions at the world, the relationship dynamics. So far your mostly showing this through dialogue, but there are many opportunities to approve. This will also help your character description which will reinforce your conflict and let the audience feel with the characters more.
When writing there is a relationship between audience, text, and author. When this relationship is broken it the work can fall apart. You start chapter 3 with Bruce breaking the 4th wall. It destroyed the seriousness of the work built up prior too. In narrative construction who is he addressing and how? It cuts off his complaint about work and tells than where he works. The story is no longer living and breathing but derails. Think of how you can convey this without speaking directly to the audience. Be careful of interruptions like this in concern of the relationship between audience and text.
At last transitions: You are jumping through time and multiple characters which is 100% acceptable, though, harder to reign in in first person. The usual trick is every chapter is where you jump time and character perspective. You do not need to tell us what point of view the character is from. Simply making it so in the work itself should be understood. Your transactions are kind of weak, think of that internalization and places to leave off from into the next. Each chapter should leave and flow well into the next end to beginning, beginning to end. One can simply say next day or a few hours later, or we can have the characters take us to the next day or a few hours later.
Though, not bad at all. I like the soul of this story a lot.
Keep motivated
~Helix
Some critique:
Don’t create blocks of character details when introducing a new character. Like with the tiger family, instead introduce them naturally throughout a text. Yes, these things can be important as they help make character and scene, but in large blocks they can create a shut off for the audiences mind. Find ways to break it down throughout a text. It is harder to do in first person as we are dependent on character internalization; however, that internalization is the key here. It is also potent from the perspective of the “other” and the child coming of age. Tap into that: Wonder, Fear, Awe, excitement, questions at the world, the relationship dynamics. So far your mostly showing this through dialogue, but there are many opportunities to approve. This will also help your character description which will reinforce your conflict and let the audience feel with the characters more.
When writing there is a relationship between audience, text, and author. When this relationship is broken it the work can fall apart. You start chapter 3 with Bruce breaking the 4th wall. It destroyed the seriousness of the work built up prior too. In narrative construction who is he addressing and how? It cuts off his complaint about work and tells than where he works. The story is no longer living and breathing but derails. Think of how you can convey this without speaking directly to the audience. Be careful of interruptions like this in concern of the relationship between audience and text.
At last transitions: You are jumping through time and multiple characters which is 100% acceptable, though, harder to reign in in first person. The usual trick is every chapter is where you jump time and character perspective. You do not need to tell us what point of view the character is from. Simply making it so in the work itself should be understood. Your transactions are kind of weak, think of that internalization and places to leave off from into the next. Each chapter should leave and flow well into the next end to beginning, beginning to end. One can simply say next day or a few hours later, or we can have the characters take us to the next day or a few hours later.
Though, not bad at all. I like the soul of this story a lot.
Keep motivated
~Helix
Wow! It's really nice to see a real lengthy critique telling me in detail what I can do to improve!
I describe the characters in such detail because I'm kind of a visual thinker, but I can see how too much detail can be a negative thing, especially thinking back to how I didn't like how it was done in certain assigned books I had to read in school, like "The Odyssey".
On the fourth wall breaking, even though I didn't intend for it to come off that way, I can see how it can be perceived as Bruce breaking the 4th wall and addressing the reader. I'll try hard not to let that happen again.
And thanks for telling me about the transitions. I had been wondering for a while if I should have been writing them more naturally, instead of just explicitly stating them at the beginning of each chapter.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write all this. One of the hard parts of continuing a story like this is when I don't get really descriptive feedback like this. I mean, I like hearing what I do well, but I want to hear what mistakes I might be making even more, so that I can make the future parts of the story better.
I describe the characters in such detail because I'm kind of a visual thinker, but I can see how too much detail can be a negative thing, especially thinking back to how I didn't like how it was done in certain assigned books I had to read in school, like "The Odyssey".
On the fourth wall breaking, even though I didn't intend for it to come off that way, I can see how it can be perceived as Bruce breaking the 4th wall and addressing the reader. I'll try hard not to let that happen again.
And thanks for telling me about the transitions. I had been wondering for a while if I should have been writing them more naturally, instead of just explicitly stating them at the beginning of each chapter.
Thanks so much for taking the time to write all this. One of the hard parts of continuing a story like this is when I don't get really descriptive feedback like this. I mean, I like hearing what I do well, but I want to hear what mistakes I might be making even more, so that I can make the future parts of the story better.
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