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Had a dream about this, so I wrote it down. It's not as long as I expected it to be, but I ran out of muse points.
“It’s the Tonight Show with Jey Leno! Featuring Rickey Minor and the Tonight Show Band!” The audience burst into applause. “And now, Jey Leenooooooooooooo!”
The audience’s applause finally started to die down, allowing the host to begin.
“Thank you very much, and welcome to the Tonight show! Got a very cool show for you tonight! Now normally, we have a few guests come on, we talk, we have a few laughs doing some goofy thing to entertain you all, BUT… not tonight. Tonight, we have a one guest, a very special guest who has graciously granted us his time for the entire show tonight. Not to worry though, we still have Adele performing for us at the end, so you can still get your fill of Bond music.” The audience chuckled lightly.
“Anyway, our guest tonight is among the biggest we’ve ever had, if I may say so. Standing at a whopping 7’ 10” and weighing in at around 1000 lb, you’d think I found the Hulk. As a matter fact, I did find the Hulk. We just couldn’t get him on the show because Stan Lee thought he wouldn’t be able to pay the insurance fees this time.” This brought a bigger reaction from the audience, the laughter overpowering the reaction from the band slightly. “You notice I said this time. We’ve had the Hulk on the show before, that’s why we had that renovation last year.” More laughter. “We felt we couldn’t air that tape because we thought the panic and destruction might have upset One Million Moms a little bit. I mean, if there’s anything that will upset moms, it’s seeing their kids watching the destruction of a room. ‘NO, THEY DON’T NEED THE ENCOURAGEMENT!’” The audience had their strongest laugh yet.
“Anyway, please help me give a very warm welcome to our guest, Jack Bartlet!”
The audience gave a collective whoop of welcome as the curtains parted. The were a collection of thumps on the floor and a large shadow could be seen just beyond the lights of the studio. A few seconds later, a figure emerged that sent a few assorted gasps throughout the crowd. Most, however, had seen Jack in various magazine photos and tv shots to know what to expect. Jack carefully walked up to Leno and shook his hand, bending over slightly as he did. A few waves to the crowd brought him around the desk where he gingerly laid down on some cushions that were laid out for him.
“Jack, welcome to the show!” Leno said as he sat down behind his desk. The audience finally started settling back down in their seats.
“Thank you, thank you for having me.” Jack replied with a small grin.
“Honestly, who wouldn’t have you?”
“Fox & Friends,” Jack replied with a shrug. The audience burst out in a quick fit of giggles.
“Whaaaat? No,” Leno reacted. “They say why?”
“Not in so many words, no.”
“What, were they worried you were going to stomp their faces in or something?”
“No, I think they were worried that I’d just sit on them and shit all over their studio.” Jack answered, grinning. The band reacted with a little skit as the audience cheered Jack on, with whistles shooting all over the crowd. Jay himself burst out laughing for a bit. Jack continued, “The repeated use of hand sanitizers during our brief meet kinda gave it away.”
“Well, to be fair,” Jay began as he wiped away a few tears. “Would that have happened?”
“Not by accident, I assure you. I did not want to the be the centaur who had to wear a diaper everywhere because I couldn’t control myself. Trust me, I relearned that particular bit of control very quickly.” A small swish of Jack’s tail betrayed a slight tinge of anxiousness.
“Well, that’s good to hear. Cause honestly, I get enough flack from our custodians about our usual antics on the show. If you hadn’t convinced them otherwise, I think they would have walked right on the job then and there.”
“They did make me wear some rubber shoes, though,” Jack said, lifting a foreleg up slightly to show off the horseshoe nailed to his hoof. “They’ll prevent me from gouging the floor, but they don’t support my weight as well as some steel shoes, so thank you for the cushions,” he said, bowing his head slightly.
“Of course, of course. Speaking of which, how much do you weigh, exactly? I was told over a 1000 lb, but-“
“I weigh 1102 lb as of this morning.” Jack confirmed.
“Wow, one thousand, one hundred -?”
“And two pounds, yes.”
“As I understand it, Guinness won’t enter you for the record of world’s heaviest human,” Leno said. Jack simply looked back at his equine half then back at him for a few seconds while the audience burst into laughter.
“I think I might be cheating a little,” Jack finally replied to more audience laughter.
“You think? Cause technically you’re still human, as I understand it.”
“I’ve got a literal horse’s ass, Jay. I don’t think Guinness cares what its made of,” Jack said pointedly.
“This is very true, this is very true,” Leno replied, chuckling. “But seriously, is it true that you have no horse DNA?”
“Yes, according to the eggheads, all my organs have simply been altered. There are some changes in my DNA, but nowhere in my genome are there any strands can be definitively identified as horse. If there is horse DNA, it’s too blended in to be sure.”
“And your fur?”
“My fur is actually the same hair that you would find on my chest. It’s simply more densely grown than what you would find on my torso and it doesn’t grow nearly as long.”
“Do you brush it yourself, or do you need help with that?”
“I actually don’t worry about it too much,” Jack explained. “Brushing is usually only needed just before someone rides a horse. It makes sure there’s nothing between the fur and the layer resting directly on the horse’s back that can rub and irritate the skin. Wild horses rub their coats against the ground, a low branch, or against each other to groom themselves. Rain also helps a lot as well. And seeing as how I shower every few days, it’s not that big a deal.”
“Do you let anyone ride you?” Leno asked.
“Not even my mother.”
“Really? What about a future-“
“Anyone who wants to ride me sees me as an ordinary horse, not a sentient being,” Jack said cooly. “I will not consent to let anyone ride me.” An awkward silence followed.
“Well, I can understand that, I suppose.” Jay answered. “So, I understand you’ve moved into a new place?”
“Yes,” Jack answered with a smile. “I’ve found a place in the northern states. Nice little place, lots of space to roam freely.”
“Taken to roaming free, have you?” Jay asked with a sly grin.
Jack smiled back. “You’d be amazed what a set of strong legs will do for you. Being able to run farther, longer, and faster than any human is quite a compelling reason to get outdoors more often.”
“On that, do you have other… instincts? Foreign desires?”
“None that I’ve noticed. I don’t have a desire to munch on grass or neigh whenever a woman walks by. It made walking a chore to relearn. To this day, I still trip over my own… hooves on occasion.” That brought a chuckle out of the audience.
“That is something I’d love to see, a horse tripping over its own feet,” Jay said, turning towards the camera. “We’ll be right back after a short break.”
“It’s the Tonight Show with Jey Leno! Featuring Rickey Minor and the Tonight Show Band!” The audience burst into applause. “And now, Jey Leenooooooooooooo!”
The audience’s applause finally started to die down, allowing the host to begin.
“Thank you very much, and welcome to the Tonight show! Got a very cool show for you tonight! Now normally, we have a few guests come on, we talk, we have a few laughs doing some goofy thing to entertain you all, BUT… not tonight. Tonight, we have a one guest, a very special guest who has graciously granted us his time for the entire show tonight. Not to worry though, we still have Adele performing for us at the end, so you can still get your fill of Bond music.” The audience chuckled lightly.
“Anyway, our guest tonight is among the biggest we’ve ever had, if I may say so. Standing at a whopping 7’ 10” and weighing in at around 1000 lb, you’d think I found the Hulk. As a matter fact, I did find the Hulk. We just couldn’t get him on the show because Stan Lee thought he wouldn’t be able to pay the insurance fees this time.” This brought a bigger reaction from the audience, the laughter overpowering the reaction from the band slightly. “You notice I said this time. We’ve had the Hulk on the show before, that’s why we had that renovation last year.” More laughter. “We felt we couldn’t air that tape because we thought the panic and destruction might have upset One Million Moms a little bit. I mean, if there’s anything that will upset moms, it’s seeing their kids watching the destruction of a room. ‘NO, THEY DON’T NEED THE ENCOURAGEMENT!’” The audience had their strongest laugh yet.
“Anyway, please help me give a very warm welcome to our guest, Jack Bartlet!”
The audience gave a collective whoop of welcome as the curtains parted. The were a collection of thumps on the floor and a large shadow could be seen just beyond the lights of the studio. A few seconds later, a figure emerged that sent a few assorted gasps throughout the crowd. Most, however, had seen Jack in various magazine photos and tv shots to know what to expect. Jack carefully walked up to Leno and shook his hand, bending over slightly as he did. A few waves to the crowd brought him around the desk where he gingerly laid down on some cushions that were laid out for him.
“Jack, welcome to the show!” Leno said as he sat down behind his desk. The audience finally started settling back down in their seats.
“Thank you, thank you for having me.” Jack replied with a small grin.
“Honestly, who wouldn’t have you?”
“Fox & Friends,” Jack replied with a shrug. The audience burst out in a quick fit of giggles.
“Whaaaat? No,” Leno reacted. “They say why?”
“Not in so many words, no.”
“What, were they worried you were going to stomp their faces in or something?”
“No, I think they were worried that I’d just sit on them and shit all over their studio.” Jack answered, grinning. The band reacted with a little skit as the audience cheered Jack on, with whistles shooting all over the crowd. Jay himself burst out laughing for a bit. Jack continued, “The repeated use of hand sanitizers during our brief meet kinda gave it away.”
“Well, to be fair,” Jay began as he wiped away a few tears. “Would that have happened?”
“Not by accident, I assure you. I did not want to the be the centaur who had to wear a diaper everywhere because I couldn’t control myself. Trust me, I relearned that particular bit of control very quickly.” A small swish of Jack’s tail betrayed a slight tinge of anxiousness.
“Well, that’s good to hear. Cause honestly, I get enough flack from our custodians about our usual antics on the show. If you hadn’t convinced them otherwise, I think they would have walked right on the job then and there.”
“They did make me wear some rubber shoes, though,” Jack said, lifting a foreleg up slightly to show off the horseshoe nailed to his hoof. “They’ll prevent me from gouging the floor, but they don’t support my weight as well as some steel shoes, so thank you for the cushions,” he said, bowing his head slightly.
“Of course, of course. Speaking of which, how much do you weigh, exactly? I was told over a 1000 lb, but-“
“I weigh 1102 lb as of this morning.” Jack confirmed.
“Wow, one thousand, one hundred -?”
“And two pounds, yes.”
“As I understand it, Guinness won’t enter you for the record of world’s heaviest human,” Leno said. Jack simply looked back at his equine half then back at him for a few seconds while the audience burst into laughter.
“I think I might be cheating a little,” Jack finally replied to more audience laughter.
“You think? Cause technically you’re still human, as I understand it.”
“I’ve got a literal horse’s ass, Jay. I don’t think Guinness cares what its made of,” Jack said pointedly.
“This is very true, this is very true,” Leno replied, chuckling. “But seriously, is it true that you have no horse DNA?”
“Yes, according to the eggheads, all my organs have simply been altered. There are some changes in my DNA, but nowhere in my genome are there any strands can be definitively identified as horse. If there is horse DNA, it’s too blended in to be sure.”
“And your fur?”
“My fur is actually the same hair that you would find on my chest. It’s simply more densely grown than what you would find on my torso and it doesn’t grow nearly as long.”
“Do you brush it yourself, or do you need help with that?”
“I actually don’t worry about it too much,” Jack explained. “Brushing is usually only needed just before someone rides a horse. It makes sure there’s nothing between the fur and the layer resting directly on the horse’s back that can rub and irritate the skin. Wild horses rub their coats against the ground, a low branch, or against each other to groom themselves. Rain also helps a lot as well. And seeing as how I shower every few days, it’s not that big a deal.”
“Do you let anyone ride you?” Leno asked.
“Not even my mother.”
“Really? What about a future-“
“Anyone who wants to ride me sees me as an ordinary horse, not a sentient being,” Jack said cooly. “I will not consent to let anyone ride me.” An awkward silence followed.
“Well, I can understand that, I suppose.” Jay answered. “So, I understand you’ve moved into a new place?”
“Yes,” Jack answered with a smile. “I’ve found a place in the northern states. Nice little place, lots of space to roam freely.”
“Taken to roaming free, have you?” Jay asked with a sly grin.
Jack smiled back. “You’d be amazed what a set of strong legs will do for you. Being able to run farther, longer, and faster than any human is quite a compelling reason to get outdoors more often.”
“On that, do you have other… instincts? Foreign desires?”
“None that I’ve noticed. I don’t have a desire to munch on grass or neigh whenever a woman walks by. It made walking a chore to relearn. To this day, I still trip over my own… hooves on occasion.” That brought a chuckle out of the audience.
“That is something I’d love to see, a horse tripping over its own feet,” Jay said, turning towards the camera. “We’ll be right back after a short break.”
Category Story / Abstract
Species Exotic (Other)
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 7.8 kB
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