The next thrilling installment, courtesy me and  kiru .

I've rated it general, but watch out for the swearing, kids. Cause swearing is, like, totally uncouth or something.




It blew. My grand scheme of watching that fat raccoon meant that I also had to be awake when he was. As a result, I had to be up sickeningly early to go find him. Raccoons have this habit of being up and around before the sun, and in order to do what I was planning, I had to be, too.
I had been right. By the time I had gotten to the skate park, Sam was already up and around, ogling…her. I never learned her name, and never wanted to. This girl was cheaper than discount litter, and half as pleasant. She was busy playing basketball. Sam was busy adjusting his shorts until he finally decided to go up and talk to her. He then gives the lamest pick-up attempt I could have ever imagined, and surprise surprise, she proceeds to French him, right there. The pair hadn’t even exchanged names. As they talked, I climbed a tree, deciding not to be seen until it was time for me to make my move.
They just talked after that. About what? The most pointless, aimless banter I’ve ever been subjected to, and I’ve watched midday soap operas. I wanted to claw my ears off. They were just filling the air as an excuse to stare at each other. That girl’s eyes kept going to Sam’s crotch and chest, and Sam’s eyes kept going to her crotch and chest. It’s like they could hardly address each other’s faces. At the very least, he didn’t tell her or her breasts anything about the gang he was forming, which was more than good enough for me.
Finally, after getting away from her, he decided it was time to actually get to work. So off he goes, skating with two other coons. Sam really had either no tact or the weirdest kind I’ve ever seen. In under five minutes, he’s openly mocking the bigger one for wearing camo boxers. The coon, whose name turned out to be Roly, got pissed off at him for that, shocker. Luckily for all involved, Roly’s buddy, named Hal, stepped in and…by doing idiot fake karate or something, got Roly to calm down. I know that’s a bit of an odd thing to believe, but that’s what happened. I don’t understand people.
They talked, and somehow, in no time flat, Sam was one of them. I don’t know how he did it. I didn’t know being a douchebag made you friends, especially with the more aggressive coons. Speaking of which, once they were done skating, they went back over to the basketball court and added another fist-for-brains to the group, Marko. I knew Marko without having to hear his name. He’s just generally unpleasant. I don’t know how a person can live with the attitude he has. I should also mention that the collective scent of aggression coming from that group was almost overwhelming. I almost left from that alone.
That’s when things got interesting. I…really can’t say I understand what happened next. I could understand the basic feelings, but…I guess I really don’t understand people, especially raccoons. I’ll just explain what happened.
Nate, another coon whose name I know, suddenly comes over. Sam and he had already met. Nate goes “DUUUDE!”, which makes the whole group migrate over to him, when suddenly…
“Nathan! There you are! You sonovabitch!” Cue preppy looking ball of anger. “You took my fuckin’ bike apart.” Nathan has obvious guilt all over his face, and then decides to switch tactics.
“You’re fulla shit!” Smart move, Nate. Now he’s going to take your head apart. That’s when Sam stepped in, surprisingly.
“Hey, keep it down, man!”
So the angry coon turns on Sam, great. “Who the hell are you?”
“Sam. Leave ‘im alone, dude!”
Now he’s already got Nate. who, clearly, is all but wetting himself, by his shoulder. “What the fuck you tellin’ me to leave this punk alone? You’re not from around here. Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“Dude, you start a fight here – what if we get kicked out?”
“This motherfucker fuckin’ dismantled MY fuckin’ bike, and he fuckin’ left in IN fuckin’ PIECES on top of the motherfuckin’ Tower!”
”Tower?” Tower?
The guy then rolls his eyes. “Fuckin’ sculpture in front of the fuckin’ social center! You hear me? Now can I kick his fuckin’ ass? Is that okay with you?”
Now, Hal and Roly have been trying to help, but yeah, not likely. And out of nowhere Sam decides to play a random card. “Dude. Check it. I’m, like, formin’ a gang, man.”
I have no clue how this worked, but it worked. The other coon’s eyes got big. “You bang?” ‘You bang?’ What does that mean?
“Dude, I more than bang. I’m startin’ this shit.”
It worked better than I thought, because now everyone’s interested. Sam just pulls confidence out of his butt and says, “Dude, you seem like a stand-up dude. Tell you what. If you join up, I’ll totally make this guy fix your bike.”
Nate tries to interject, but Sam insists “You better be able to fix his fuckin’ bike, man.”
The coon looks hard at Nate, tightening his grip on his shoulder. “Can you?”
“Yyyyyeah, man. I got the tools.” And now Nate’s pulling confidence out of his butt. “You want me to put your bike back together? I am a man of my word an’ I will put your bike back together!”
“Shit, you better!”
Then Sam cuts in again, “Dude. If he doesn’t, Imma take care of ‘im. You let me know.”
The coon agrees, looking not too positive, “Name’s Turner, by the way. Sam, right?”
“Fuck, yeah.”
“Imma go make Fuckhead here fix my bike. We’ll talk.” Turner then marches Nate right out of there, and for some reason Roly and Hal think what was a possibly dangerous situation is now a joke. I really don’t understand. Ah well. With Turner gone, and given where the sun is, I need to make my move.
“That was cool, man.” Hal says.
“Right on,” Roly was adding as I hopped down from my branch a few paces behind Sam, “Dudes get kicked out for fightin’. You get, like, banned for a while. Happened to me once. It’s not fun.”
That was when Sam finally sensed me and turned around. Turns out I landed too close, because I spooked him, which somehow was the funniest thing ever to Roly and Hal, who started to make fake ‘oh no’ faces. Yeah, great. People laugh at me for showing up, great. Screw this.
"Right. Nevermind, maybe we can go to the beach when I'm not getting laughed at for existing." I turned around.

"You go to the beach, too, man?" Roly asked.

"I thought you guys didn't do water," said Hal.

"And I thought you guys might want a ride to the shore." I turned around. Let’s hope wit isn’t lost to them.

Everybody's eyes went wide at that. "Dudes," said Sam. "He totally told me he could, like, do this!"

"Holy shit," said Marko, surprised.

"How?" asked Hal.

"It's a car. It goes fast and has a trunk."

"Never heard of 'em," Marko answered. Great, sarcastic.

Silence as they put two and two together. "Coool," Sam finally said.

I kept my scowl. I needed to keep Sam as the center of this. "If you want to come, Sam, be back here in five minutes with whoever else you want to bring with."

"Five minutes?!" Roly started running off. "Imma get my board!"

"I'm there!" Hal exclaimed.

"Imma get June, *then* my board!" yelled Sam, starting to run off, but not really knowing where to.

"That's for me," said Marko, who was clearly a waddler.

Great. Sure, I was only talking to one of them, and didn’t even remotely want June to come along. That was all I needed. I sighed, then just leaned up against the nearest tree, and waited.

It took the entire five minutes for them to all head back, boards in tow. Juniper introduced herself to me, and fortunately had the presence of mind to not try to attract me. I was partly considering making her leave, but I needed Sam’s good opinion. We decided to wait for Marko, who took his sweet time, still waddling.

"What're you waiting for?!" said Hal, clearly impatient at him. "Christmas? Let's go!"

"Suck my balls," retorted Marko. Classy.

"No thanks," said Hal."I'm not interested in baby food."

Juniper guffawed. "Looks like you got your ass handed to you."

"I diiiid," said Marko in a sort of pretend-whine. Classier.

"Shut it, we're going." I said, turning east. They matched my pace pretty easily, thank goodness.

"So where we goin', dude?" asked Sam.

"To the beach," I’m gonna kill you if you don’t stop with the sarcasm, Marko

"To the parking lot behind the condo I live at."

"You live in the *condo*?" Yes, Hal.

"That must be pretty sweet," added Roly.

"No shit," put in Juniper.

"Eh. Depends." I explained.

"Wait, that must mean you've got like heat an' running water an' shit like that, right?" Sam’s question gave me the tiniest guilt pang…

"Do you have, like, hot food?" Roly asked, and I felt bad again for some reason. Fine, I can use this opportunity.

"Well if you guys can stuff yourselves in the back of the car fast enough, I can grab something before we go, but we're cutting it close already."

"Sounds good to me," said the Waddler, who duckfooted himself forward and past us. Wow, he can actually move if you give him the food incentive.

"Step on it, dudes," said Sam. They all sped up, but I didn’t. I was in no mood to run this early. Paws hit tarmac, and I called out.

"The blue one with the license plate that says 'SUMO!'"

Hal saw it first. "SUMO!" He and Roly bolted for the thing, and Roly got there first. I couldn’t understand why the race, I’m the one with the key.

Sam made that awful laugh again. "Look at that dude."

"Roly's hot shit, man," Marko explained.

"Roly's a *dumbass*," countered Juniper, laughing. And that makes you, what, Slutterella?

I pulled out the key as I approached. "Scoot." I said, waving Hal, Roly, and their surfboard fight out of my way, before hopping up, unlocking and opening the thing.
"Don't close that trunk all the way until I get back, unless you feel like suffocating for a while. I'll be right back." I hopped down as they all piled in.


"I feel like suffocating," Marko called, getting all the others to giggle like idiots. Honestly? Don’t tempt me.

I hurried inside, finding my food bowl full and Greg nearly ready to go. I weighed a few pros and cons, realizing that anything I grabbed the coons would be food I didn’t want. Doing my best to not be seen, I downed a few bites of food, then ran into the pantry. Sure enough, Greg had bought goldfish, the cheese variety. I hurried up, grabbing the economy sized box, and heading for the door, only to see Greg already leaving through it.

Crap.

I had to cram the box through my door, then take the shortcut I’m not fond of, but I got ahead of Greg, and dead sprinted when I got to the lot. "Catch!" I yelled, chucking the thing at the five coons.

"Holy shit!" came Sam's voice from the trunk.

"I'm on it!" came Roly's.

"Fuck you! Gimme that!" That was Hal.

Great, they were going to tear the box, and each other apart, in Greg’s trunk. Hell. No.

"STOP YOU IDIOTS HE'S COMING!" I bellowed, jumping up and into the trunk, snatching the mangled box from the others and slamming the trunk shut. For a second it was pitch black, then a tiny light in the back came on.

Then Marko decided he couldn’t shut up for a whole minute. "Hey, could you turn that light off? I'm sick of lookin' at Hal's ugly mug."

"Fuck you," Hal retorted.

I almost gave up right there. "If you get caught for not being quiet, I don't think I can ever get you guys a ride again." The car beeped, Greg was here.

I kept my ear up, trying to focus on his movements, but Roly had started making an idiot of himself fake-tooting on a motor oil funnel. Everyone else thought it was hysterical, save Juniper. "Grow out of it, guys, alright?" And grow into what, the spot between your legs?

I cut in. "Careful you don't get poisoned. That's used."

The car’s engine came to life, and we started moving, then up and down a speed bump. "That made my schnitzel feel kinda funny," Marko whispered. I swear I wished it was still dark in here so I could punch his nose.

Meanwhile, Hal had leaned over and looked into the wide part of Roly's funnel, which he was still clutching. "I can't see anything," he said in a stupid voice.

"Don't make me come over there," said Sam.

Alright, need a better distraction. "Here, just eat so you don't end up strangling each other." I pulled the box open. "Paws out."

For the first time, the bunch did as told, all holding their paws out at the same time. The feeling was fleeting as they noticed what they had done and bust up laughing. Marko then tried to skip the formalities and secretly put his crap-scented paw in the box.

"Ah!" I pulled the box away, and once everyone’s paws were out, I started to fill each pair with goldfish, going around and around, because they just kept snorting those things down like they were made of air.

"Dude, when's high tide?" Sam blew a few crumbs from his maw as he asked.

Marko’s answer was unintelligible, and probably unintelligent.

"Think it's like, before sunset," answered Hal, after swallowing loudly.

"Should be just startin' to come in now," added Roly, just before stuffing his maw full.

"Don't you guys like, usually dunk your food in water before eating it?" I asked, I could have sworn coons did that.

"Nah," said Marko.

"No way," agreed Juniper.

"Fuck that, dude," replied Sam.

"I think that's like a legend," said Roly. "Sometimes I *wash* my paws, but..."

"I don't think I've *ever* seen anybody *I* know do that, man," said Hal. Right, misconception one. Go me.

I got to Roly one last time, and stopped. "Right, save the rest for when lunch rolls around." Then, to Sam. "So how goes forming a gang?"

"It goes, dude. You're like lookin' at some of 'em right now."

"That's right, man," added Hal.

"Sweet, anybody else? Or like, are you guys gonna go look for other people to join, too?"

"Well," said Roly, "looks like *Turner's* gettin' in."

"Nate, too," added Sam.

Marko laughed. "That motherfucker." Who laughs while saying that?

"We're totally lookin' for others, dude," said Sam.

"Some of the surfer dudes are real bad-asses, man," Marko interrupted. "An' I'm not talkin' about just when they hit the waves."

I gave a slightly forced laugh. "Looks like you've got your work cut out for you." The car suddenly felt like it was going down. "Almost there."

Hal looked pretty excited at that prospect. "Oh, man, this is gonna be sweeeeet."

Juniper put her arm around her territory. "Sam, man, this is so rad."

"Hope it's not too calm," said Marko. "That would suck." Like everything you say?

"Not s'posed to be," said Roly. "There was like that storm off the coast two days ago. Xan told me he was out there yesterday, an' it was pretty rockin'."

"Shh." The car was starting to slow and make turn after turn, then we parked and the engine cut. The front door opened and closed, and we were in the dark again. "Alright, we're set." Fiddling with a few things at the trunk door, I got it open, then looked around and pointed at the endless blue. “Ocean.”

The other five nearly pushed me out of the trunk to get a look.
"Whoooaaaa..." breathed Sam, like he’d never seen a bunch of water before.

"It's, like, water," And now Roly was being sarcastic.

"Shut up, dude," retorted Sam.

"It's not like water. It is what it is." Thanks, Marko.

"It's not in the stuffy trunk of a car. Out." I ordered, grabbing the box of goldfish from the trunk.

"You heard the dude, dudes," said Sam. "Get the fuck out." They did, each hopping out with their own boards, Sam being the gentleman and helping out June.

Hal turned to me, finally realizing I was an actual living thing with feelings. "Hey, what's your name, man?"

"Lee, and you're Hal, that's Marko, Sam, and Roly." I kinda said to myself. "Nice to meet you."

"You're a cool dude," said Marko, reaching out to shake paws. I…what? Kind of confused, I shook, feeling a smile find the edges of my face.

“Fuck, yeah!” June then wrapped herself around Sam, who nearly messed his pants at this.

"You comin'?" Roly asked me.

"Yeah, it's like..." Sam stopped, making a face somewhere between deciding on dinner and taking a dump. "...wait..."

"How long we got?" blurted Hal.

"He goes home for lunch in three hours, comes back, then goes home four hours after that." I explained.

There was a general positive consensus, with Juniper making a scene of being draped over Sam. Sam was, of course, eating this up. I just sighed and head off for the shoreline with the other coons.

After that, for the most part, I turned back into scenery for the coons. It kind of bothered me, yanno? I was spending the whole day somewhere I didn’t really want to be, so I could be their escort.

Coons.

By that time I had had about enough of dealing with them for a day, and still had a car ride to endure. I decided to do the only thing I could enjoy at an animal-only beach, I found a cool spot with lots of sun to lay in. I spent the rest of the time there aimlessly dozing and watching. Nothing really happened, and I wasn’t about to try and decide who else should be in the gang, seeing as I was still not wanted for it. Just thinking about that made my fur stand on end.

I fell asleep for a while there, because when I came to, I realized we all needed to go, like, five minutes ago. I gathered the gang up, plus…one more. His name was Reg, and he had evidently traded in personality for size.

I ended up sending Roly back to the shore for shaking all the briney water off him and onto me, so great, I smelled, and the others…reeked. I…don’t even want to explain that car ride back. Let’s just say I was more than happy to go home, eat, and curl up in Greg’s lap for the night.