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Almost two months after his initial promise, Larry is finally making good on bringing Arya to the city for a tour. Along the way the two of them, along with an unexpected guest, need to make a stop at a seemingly innocuous storefront led be an oddly unpleasant man. There a decision is made, one which will alter the course of Arya and Larry's lives forever...
~~~
This one took a long time and a few rewrites, but it's finally done! This chapter doesn't really include any vore, but I hope that everyone enjoys this chapter regardless. It was fun to write, and it's good to have Blitzen finally make his appearance in the present, canon storyline. It also has a few cameos of old characters of mine whose stories were never fully written down, end it was fun to finally give two of them a moment in the public eye.
This chapter is mostly setup, but we'll be getting to some of the good stuff soon. I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Breeze belongs to
markhaen62
All other characters belong to me
Clearspring belongs to
TastyTales
Pokemon belongs to GameFreak
~~~
This one took a long time and a few rewrites, but it's finally done! This chapter doesn't really include any vore, but I hope that everyone enjoys this chapter regardless. It was fun to write, and it's good to have Blitzen finally make his appearance in the present, canon storyline. It also has a few cameos of old characters of mine whose stories were never fully written down, end it was fun to finally give two of them a moment in the public eye.
This chapter is mostly setup, but we'll be getting to some of the good stuff soon. I hope you enjoy the chapter!
Breeze belongs to
markhaen62All other characters belong to me
Clearspring belongs to
TastyTalesPokemon belongs to GameFreak
Category Story / Vore
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 74.2 kB
Listed in Folders
Another fun read, but something perplexes me. What's the deal with the human? How was he able to understand what the pokemon were saying? I suppose that's something you'll cover in a future chapter - consider me intrigued
Also - Vyxen. She's someone I've seen you use on Telegram before, if I recall. I see you've made her Alolan x3
Also - Vyxen. She's someone I've seen you use on Telegram before, if I recall. I see you've made her Alolan x3
Good work, though if you'll mind my criticism.
The good parts:
-You generally wrote as well as you would have for your other stories; the description was informative, and there was decent imagery in the story.
-It's nice to see how Arya and Larry are playing nicely off eachother, the bond between them is fiarly strong considering their first interactions, and the trust they have forged. I have a feeling this will be evaluated later.
-The trading of the idol for the for the locket was an interesting part. While the whole time I was screaming in my head 'Don't do it!' I knew fairly well what the build up was leading up to. I like the fact that it refers to the real life moments where your mind is blank, and you make a split second decision that you know you'll regret sometime later. I'm wondering to see what the plot will do with this detail later.
The bad parts:
-While the story did introduce a fair amount of new characters to the series, I felt that there wasn't much in way of development at all with these characters. The Broker was very alluding, and while that may be part of his personality, it makes it very hard to tell what his real agenda is, especially seeing as how he shouldn't be able to make a living selling relatively worthless trinkets that only have sentimental value. I had a feeling he was a Zoroark in disguise, or something of that caliber. I hope this won't be left to late in the series to be touched upon, since Arya's ornament obviously has to come into play in the plot later; hopefully it will be coherent reason.
-The imagery was good and descriptive, but as with many of your stories, instead of switching to shrot sentences in times of strife, like in the combat sequences, you have a tendency to overdescribe the situation, causing the reader to lose the fast, suspenseful pace that your stories, with their surprisingly well written combat events would have. The scenes at the end and beginning are examples of this, though you do this more in your other stories.
-Most of the story felt like an entire cliff hanger. I understand that most of the characters brought up here are meant to be addressed later, but I felt there was very little to learn about the characters from this story. I was a little disappointed to see Grace be brought up, but have very little interaction with the Pokemon. I was also disappointed to see one of the only humans to be brought up; The Broker, to have misleading conversations with the Pokemon, especially Arya, rather than entertaining conversations, or a funny line.
-There are things you still need to elaborate on: If Pokemon can speak in him tongue, then why aren't there a slew of Pokemon activist groups like team Plasma, protesting when Pokemon disobey orders from their trainers, or ask to be set free? You may have said 'It was amazing how little the humans questioned when they presented their money', but it doesn't explain why. I was wondering if you were trying to show the silliness of it with that line.
-The action sequences weren't very engaging. The part at the end when Domhnall is seriously injured, wasn't very gripping. I don't think there was enough time to he attached with them, to make the audience feel sympathy when they got injured. It also, again, doesn't explain why, by who, when, where or how they got injured.
Overall, I think this was generally a good story, it was nice to see the characters explored a little more, even if some of them weren't explained very well. Keep up the good work!
The good parts:
-You generally wrote as well as you would have for your other stories; the description was informative, and there was decent imagery in the story.
-It's nice to see how Arya and Larry are playing nicely off eachother, the bond between them is fiarly strong considering their first interactions, and the trust they have forged. I have a feeling this will be evaluated later.
-The trading of the idol for the for the locket was an interesting part. While the whole time I was screaming in my head 'Don't do it!' I knew fairly well what the build up was leading up to. I like the fact that it refers to the real life moments where your mind is blank, and you make a split second decision that you know you'll regret sometime later. I'm wondering to see what the plot will do with this detail later.
The bad parts:
-While the story did introduce a fair amount of new characters to the series, I felt that there wasn't much in way of development at all with these characters. The Broker was very alluding, and while that may be part of his personality, it makes it very hard to tell what his real agenda is, especially seeing as how he shouldn't be able to make a living selling relatively worthless trinkets that only have sentimental value. I had a feeling he was a Zoroark in disguise, or something of that caliber. I hope this won't be left to late in the series to be touched upon, since Arya's ornament obviously has to come into play in the plot later; hopefully it will be coherent reason.
-The imagery was good and descriptive, but as with many of your stories, instead of switching to shrot sentences in times of strife, like in the combat sequences, you have a tendency to overdescribe the situation, causing the reader to lose the fast, suspenseful pace that your stories, with their surprisingly well written combat events would have. The scenes at the end and beginning are examples of this, though you do this more in your other stories.
-Most of the story felt like an entire cliff hanger. I understand that most of the characters brought up here are meant to be addressed later, but I felt there was very little to learn about the characters from this story. I was a little disappointed to see Grace be brought up, but have very little interaction with the Pokemon. I was also disappointed to see one of the only humans to be brought up; The Broker, to have misleading conversations with the Pokemon, especially Arya, rather than entertaining conversations, or a funny line.
-There are things you still need to elaborate on: If Pokemon can speak in him tongue, then why aren't there a slew of Pokemon activist groups like team Plasma, protesting when Pokemon disobey orders from their trainers, or ask to be set free? You may have said 'It was amazing how little the humans questioned when they presented their money', but it doesn't explain why. I was wondering if you were trying to show the silliness of it with that line.
-The action sequences weren't very engaging. The part at the end when Domhnall is seriously injured, wasn't very gripping. I don't think there was enough time to he attached with them, to make the audience feel sympathy when they got injured. It also, again, doesn't explain why, by who, when, where or how they got injured.
Overall, I think this was generally a good story, it was nice to see the characters explored a little more, even if some of them weren't explained very well. Keep up the good work!
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