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More from MrGrim
my first submited poem WOOOOOOOT!!!!
Category Poetry / Miscellaneous
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 4.4 kB
Technical stuff (your versecraft):
No denying it looks nice laid out, but I was never a big fan of visual poetry. I've dabbled with rising and falling line length, and I think it can be interesting when read aloud, especially to people with a trained ear for poetry.
Lots of things can be done to make verse sound more regular & entrancing without completely mangling the meaning and feel. You flirt with several of them here, but don't really settle. I suspect it's just because you have a decent ear, but aren't consciously trying.
For example, if you were going to simply weight down each line with two stressed syllables (dimeter), a very natural thing to do, you're already there in lines 1-6, 11, 13, 16,17, 24-27, and 29-34. You could easily split line 28 ("I wait to spit / in the eyes of god") and 23 ("I welcome it/ with open arms") into two lines, and you'd have a poem mostly (70%) in dimeter. OR better still, you could pair up shorter lines and have an even smoother bit that was predominantly tetrameter (four stresses per line). Also, if it were me, I'd un-dangle "I vow/to make" into one line. I know, I know. You were going for the layout.
I'll tell you my deepseated prejudice: poetry should be heard, and not seen. A good test for a poem is, do you want to read it aloud to somebody?
Content:
On the face of it, it does not seem to be a parody, although probably Poe's Law applies here (that without an explicit signal, it's impossible to tell serious message apart from parody in some genres).
This does create a festively spooky atmosphere. Obviously you're conscious of that. You are of course using a great deal of cliché, q.v., innocence lost, howling lost souls, welcome with open arms, the grim reaper and his scythe, etc (this one I entirely forgive though, since, after all, said reaper is a cultural fixture more like a god or folk hero than a stilted idiom, at this point).
Saying that the "song grows in intensity and passion," isn't good description. Description's a fine art, I have a lot of trouble with giving wordy analysis rather than painting a picture evocatively with suggestive words, too. Plus, generally, this many extremes seem overwrought: choirs shrieking, "skeletal reaper" bows, "slow mournful" violins, etc.
Finally, what this is, is a revenge fantasy dressed up as a cultured spectacle-- which is actually pretty interesting, as it could be that on more than one level.
It seems to me like you have something of a knack, but are exercising it without deliberation. You ought to keep writing!
No denying it looks nice laid out, but I was never a big fan of visual poetry. I've dabbled with rising and falling line length, and I think it can be interesting when read aloud, especially to people with a trained ear for poetry.
Lots of things can be done to make verse sound more regular & entrancing without completely mangling the meaning and feel. You flirt with several of them here, but don't really settle. I suspect it's just because you have a decent ear, but aren't consciously trying.
For example, if you were going to simply weight down each line with two stressed syllables (dimeter), a very natural thing to do, you're already there in lines 1-6, 11, 13, 16,17, 24-27, and 29-34. You could easily split line 28 ("I wait to spit / in the eyes of god") and 23 ("I welcome it/ with open arms") into two lines, and you'd have a poem mostly (70%) in dimeter. OR better still, you could pair up shorter lines and have an even smoother bit that was predominantly tetrameter (four stresses per line). Also, if it were me, I'd un-dangle "I vow/to make" into one line. I know, I know. You were going for the layout.
I'll tell you my deepseated prejudice: poetry should be heard, and not seen. A good test for a poem is, do you want to read it aloud to somebody?
Content:
On the face of it, it does not seem to be a parody, although probably Poe's Law applies here (that without an explicit signal, it's impossible to tell serious message apart from parody in some genres).
This does create a festively spooky atmosphere. Obviously you're conscious of that. You are of course using a great deal of cliché, q.v., innocence lost, howling lost souls, welcome with open arms, the grim reaper and his scythe, etc (this one I entirely forgive though, since, after all, said reaper is a cultural fixture more like a god or folk hero than a stilted idiom, at this point).
Saying that the "song grows in intensity and passion," isn't good description. Description's a fine art, I have a lot of trouble with giving wordy analysis rather than painting a picture evocatively with suggestive words, too. Plus, generally, this many extremes seem overwrought: choirs shrieking, "skeletal reaper" bows, "slow mournful" violins, etc.
Finally, what this is, is a revenge fantasy dressed up as a cultured spectacle-- which is actually pretty interesting, as it could be that on more than one level.
It seems to me like you have something of a knack, but are exercising it without deliberation. You ought to keep writing!
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