This art is really messy but I just wanted to get it out.

Maybe it will help explain why I've been a little off lately. And it's not to make anyone uncomfortable or feel bad, they're jut feelings and things I've been dealing with.

This description will probably end up being too long for anyone to care to read. Sorry.



I've never really had nightmares until this year. Sure, little kids dream of spiders and zombies but that's not what I've been having lately. I mean nightmares that wake me up just because they make me feel so empty and alone. It's like being woken up by an empty feeling, is the only way I can describe it. A dream so intolerably sad that it wakes me.

I've been having this reoccurring dream for a long while now and it's exhausting. I haven't slept, I'm exhausted. I've never been so tired as I am right now. Some of you have noticed, I've mistyped things or forgotten things, it's been getting pretty shitty. So maybe talking about what's been keeping me up will somehow magically make me able to sleep again.

Ok here we go
The dream is mostly just a memory.
In April I had a major surgery (look at that chest scar, wow) and it was pretty... idk traumatic, I guess?
In the dream I can feel the tube they had down my throat to keep my lungs working and I can feel the bits they jammed into my neck and the wires they laced under my skin in case they needed to shock my heart into beating if it stopped. And sure these things are creepy and were really shitty but that's not what ever wakes me up.

What wakes me up is how alone I am.
Now, in real life, I had nurses constantly in and out and my parents stayed through every visiting hour they could.
In the dream no one is ever there, but again, in real life nurses are always coming in to check on you especially in an ICU.
So in the dream no one in there but in real life, this is why it's been messing me up....
Even with nurses and constant tests and stresses and all that happening around me I always felt really alone.
When I was in there... no one would talk to me.
It was like I was in a bubble and I could see people and no one could see me.
I'd text and skype my friends an no one would answer me. No one. And it killed me.
In the days leading up to the surgery people talked to me, sure! Seemed interested and wanted to know what they were going to do to me. But while I was there and needed them most, no one would talk to me. And it's really messed with me.
I know it probably comes off as super selfish of me, I know people have lives outside of me, but I didn't even get a text back with "yo" or "can't talk." I was in the shittiest situation I've ever been in and no one would talk to me. I was in an 8 hour surgery, I needed a machine to be breathing for me for a couple days. I had wires threaded under my skin to electrocute me if my heart suddenly stopped. I had to walk around carrying a suitcase full of my own blood that was being gathered from a hole in my chest. I had to sit in a room with no door and no private bathroom for a month. I wasn't allowed to take showers and I needed to be helped to the fucking toilet so I couldn't rip the tubes and wires coming out of my body and bleed out on the floor. I had to listen as a child, no older than 4, was dying in the room next to mine and hear his parents screaming and see him being rolled out on his hospital bed. All I wanted was one person to respond to me so I knew there was something else out there for me to hold on to. To know someone remembered I was alive or even gave a shit.
And those memories haunt me. I feel like I'm surrounded by fair weather friends that are only around when I can give them something.
I know one person in particular decided to start a fight right before and then wondered why I was so upset afterwards. The only memory of a friend I have from that time is a fight that happened right before I was wheeled in for surgery. Do you know how much that hurts? A month after I find out they think I'm a goddamn monster for not feeling great about that sticking out to me, but no one else would talk to me and it's all I have in the friend department from that time. And yea I was a monster and I was mean about it but god damn it that's the only thing that I had between the agonizing pain and the indescribable loneliness. Where were my friends? I got more messages from people I had never talked to before on here than I got from friends. It's been eating me up. Because I've still got the same set of friends and I'm constantly wondering if they really care about me. Typing this out makes it seems very selfish, to me. I seem like I'm demanding love from people, but I just didn't want to be all alone through that month and I was. I was so scared and hurt and alone. And now I just think of it and remember the loneliness.

I regret a lot of things around that time but I can't regret feeling like this.
I think a little support is an alright thing to have wanted.

I would have been happy with someone just sending back "I'm busy" to show I wasn't just being ignored.




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After such a vent, I should probably say some positive things now hm?

After my lovely dance with death I decided that I needed to be more forgiving and I opened the door to reconnecting with people I had ended things badly with. I've regained some friends, others declined (I reached out to someone I was friends with when I was like 12, that was so weird). I don't want to have any regrets in the friend department so I've left that door open to any I've ended shit badly with.

I've made new friends since that I feel understand me more and I feel like they really care about me which is really nice. //waves at the pizza loving whale

I've gotten closer to other people and become better friends with them I think. Like Spencer and EJ, hi guys.

I've been talking to more people and getting out there more, don't wanna miss out


So it's not all doom and gloom. I'm trying to move past it, it just consumes me at night.
Here's to hoping it passes