And again im all alone for christmas, and again nothing has changed even if I tried so hard this year.
I changed, I was myself, I tried to fit in and I tried to stick to what I am.
I did everything suggested to me, and I tried everything that came to my mind.

I can´t change myself. Sadly I´m depending on feelings and emotions towards others, but I just can´t seem to reach anyone due to my anxiety.
And when I did I had to realize how shallow most people are. Money, sex and drugs are what drive the world. As someone who values classic relationships with only one partner at a time, and the endeavor to make it last I´m now the outcast. The one who gets laughed at.
I want to share all those things I have piled up for someone, I want to give away so much love and caring for someone.
But I get either ignored, laughed at or abused. I want to make people happy in general but I dont know how when everyone seems to be so simple minded about things.

I want to show someone all those nice things you can find in the world, but there is no one left who would stop and appreciate them.

After fighting with my past since my childhood and after fighting my anxiety for so long without any visible changes I´m still not ready to give up but I just can´t find the strength to continue.
Sometimes I just wish for something as simple as a hug, but no chance for that.

I´m out of ideas, so I write this down to vent a bit and reflect. But everytime I try to think of a future for me my mind refuses to give me any image.
I got no where left to go in this world. There seems to be no place for me here. This world does not want silent but kind people, people who rather think for while before they speak. It just gets louder and faster and 'tougher' everyday.