Ehhhh
It's that time of year again where my depression rises from the shadowy depths to hit me repeatedly when I'm not looking. Nothing new~

I don't notice it creeping up on me until I'm well within its grasp and can't do anything but sit tight and wait it out, every year. It's kind of dumb how I catch onto it, because my depression naturally lurks and affects me every day.

I noticed that certain songs and music will pick me up out of a dark mood I don't even recognize I'm in until I'm perked up. I'll rewatch a lot of the same movies because they provide me with small comfort. I tend to allow my room to get messy and swallow me whole. I'm more tired and withdrawn, and I end up missing out on so many things and opportunities because I just can't get up the energy to do the things I should care about. They all sound so small but when they occur at once it's kind of obvious what's happening at that point.

It all feels crappy and gross and sluggish, and it's really heartbreaking to see what it can do to someone who was so furious and vigilant only a few days or weeks prior.
I get all sentimental and gross and lonely around this time of year, not as bad as that one Spring in 2015, but close to that. I've been wanting to lock my commissions while I recoup, too, but with TFF, Anthrocon, and other things coming up, it's definitely not something I can afford right now, and I fear that a powerful burnout might be on its way again.

I feel that I might be accidentally preaching to the choir at this point because I am highly aware that many struggle with this same issue, but feelings don't make sense sometimes, and writing them down makes it easier for me to understand them.
In general, I try to be understanding and patient with myself, but it's so much easier to do that with others than yourself when you hold such high standards for your emotional and mental boundaries. At any rate, I hope everything will just smooth over as time passes.

Many of my friends can advocate that I try to take on several projects simultaneously, and I admit (quietly, just this once)t that I've had that bad habit for years. There's many things I want to do, and so little time for me to do it. I want to have and do so many things, but I feel restricted and it kills me to know that I can do something, physically, but that I shouldn't because of resources and other things.

I guess it's a mixture of still being a little kid while having to grow up, while also juggling depression and a lack of control over ADHD saying I can do 5000000 things at once.

Anyways, rant/vent over.
I need to stop staying up so damn late, this stuff hits me like a freight train at 4 AM...! XwX
Expect some commissions I was working on tonight to show up soon. <3

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