Last couple of months have not been good.

In fact, this beautifully done piece by  NargilFlameWolf is quite representative of how things feel internally at times, really any time I'm not occupying my mind with work.

I'm exhausted. I want to write, to create, to continue in the artistic pursuits that I'd set out for, but as I sit down to find the stillness necessary to do that, the mind seems to surge back to other issues at hand. Issues ranging from families within the organization separating from each other and threatening lawsuits, on in one case, violence against again one another. Issue of people whom I have to put out of the organization because they either violated major regulations, such as testing positive for THC, or failing to meet basic Army Standards (such as height & weight or physical fitness). People's lives whose lives I'm in the process of changing forever, and in spite what people may think about having power and authority, such responsibilities are not fun. All the while I have to worry other major issues in regards to organizational equipment, which after our return there was a major point of failure that for a moment I thought I was going to be relieved outright, and that would probably the most stressful week of my life, as that would have been the end of my time in this profession.

Yet, when I seek escape, either online in social sites I inhabit, or within this community, I find no relief here either. And it is not because I disagree with the majority of the points of view expressed by people, I am comfortable with that, one of my express purposes as a Soldier is to ensure we keep the ability for others to voice their disagreements. What disturbs me is the sheer vitriol of it. Statements of anger and hatred voiced against things that I can hardly see quantified, voices that are reviling many things that I hold dear. But it is not something I can address directly when I see it, as in my profession I am supposed to remain "apolitical" (or more specifically, it is deemed unprofessional to voice one's political opinion publicly in this profession, and outright prohibited to do so in uniform, and considering how I've represented myself as Mag in this, it'd certainly be a fine line to walk if I were to delve into such a discussion). This effort in of itself is exhausting, trying to maintain my composure and being the "quiet professional" we are expected to be is a tremendous effort when the very strong skeptic in me has so many questions. I am greatly disturbed when the beauty created by the hands of many whom I've seen here contrasts sharply with the ugliness of the tone in their voice. I at times am tempted to outright depart, and support a community that I don't feel constantly patronized by.

But not yet. I still find some zest in this, the stories that are told, and a number of the interaction I have, so I'll plan to try and weather this storm further, and hopefully the mood around here will improve as things begin to normalize after the transition. Sadly, I do not think the same will be true professionally, as for the 10 years I've invested to getting into and being in this profession, things only seem to ramp up over time rather than slow down.

We'll see how reality unfolds as time drives on.

V/R,
Cap Mag.