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Just the beginning of a little side-tale.
Takes place over a hundred and fifty years before the Tales of the Folly on the Chakat’s Den.
Takes place over a hundred and fifty years before the Tales of the Folly on the Chakat’s Den.
Category Story / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 50 x 50px
File Size 68 kB
Listed in Folders
Holy hell, i'm up at this time to read it. Now lemme see what you have come-up with Fesler....
“What all will this monitor?” he asked, looking over the little sensor.
(What's with all these monitor's?)
“The PADD quires them for gases and air pressure only,”
(requires)
Neal left the ship two hours later, not having met any more of the crew. He placed an order for some of things he knew he’d be needing before going to one
(cutout "be needing" and replace it with "need")
“Just ‘pass it forward’,” Neal replied. At her look of confusion he grinned. “You know how to pay back a favor, right?” at her nod he said,
(At needs to be capitalized)
. Three, I said ‘please’
(possibly add a "just" in between "I" and "please")
Treckka nodded. “Can do. I’ll give him the ship basics while we work.”
(Possibly add a comma after "Can do" as that is a fragment)
Trust me, it’s much better than having the whole ship
(need a ";" after "me")
“Good enough…. It’s almost Kassy’s bedtime,
(bedtime needs a ";" after it)
With just her currently running on just half a lung, the air was slowing turning more and more foul.
(possibly use the word "fouler")
Neal nodded and smiled. “Don’t worry, every credit will go into you having nicer air to breath.
(need a ";" after "worry," and an "e" at the end of "breath" to make it a "breathe")
“I’ll give you guys time to discuss it,” he said before gathering up his PADD and leaving.
(guy's)
“The other screens were all patched or partially blocked, reducing the work they did
(blocked needs a ";" after it)
The last couple were just doing what they could to keep the systems going.
("was" not "were")
You’ll only prove yourself stupid if you fall to take the opportunity to learn.”
("fail" not "fall")
Alright, this is a quick edit done in roughly 15minutes. Those were th immidiate mistakes i, or MS Word found. I hope they help, take them or leave them as you will.
As for the story, i like how you incorporated the "past" with the present. It's a fresh outlook on his story. It was a fun read.
“What all will this monitor?” he asked, looking over the little sensor.
(What's with all these monitor's?)
“The PADD quires them for gases and air pressure only,”
(requires)
Neal left the ship two hours later, not having met any more of the crew. He placed an order for some of things he knew he’d be needing before going to one
(cutout "be needing" and replace it with "need")
“Just ‘pass it forward’,” Neal replied. At her look of confusion he grinned. “You know how to pay back a favor, right?” at her nod he said,
(At needs to be capitalized)
. Three, I said ‘please’
(possibly add a "just" in between "I" and "please")
Treckka nodded. “Can do. I’ll give him the ship basics while we work.”
(Possibly add a comma after "Can do" as that is a fragment)
Trust me, it’s much better than having the whole ship
(need a ";" after "me")
“Good enough…. It’s almost Kassy’s bedtime,
(bedtime needs a ";" after it)
With just her currently running on just half a lung, the air was slowing turning more and more foul.
(possibly use the word "fouler")
Neal nodded and smiled. “Don’t worry, every credit will go into you having nicer air to breath.
(need a ";" after "worry," and an "e" at the end of "breath" to make it a "breathe")
“I’ll give you guys time to discuss it,” he said before gathering up his PADD and leaving.
(guy's)
“The other screens were all patched or partially blocked, reducing the work they did
(blocked needs a ";" after it)
The last couple were just doing what they could to keep the systems going.
("was" not "were")
You’ll only prove yourself stupid if you fall to take the opportunity to learn.”
("fail" not "fall")
Alright, this is a quick edit done in roughly 15minutes. Those were th immidiate mistakes i, or MS Word found. I hope they help, take them or leave them as you will.
As for the story, i like how you incorporated the "past" with the present. It's a fresh outlook on his story. It was a fun read.
Holy hell, i'm up at this time to read it. Now lemme see what you have come-up with Fesler....
“What all will this monitor?” he asked, looking over the little sensor.
(What's with all these monitor's?)
-What will this do - not 'why do you need so many'.
“The PADD quires them for gases and air pressure only,”
(requires)
-quires - asks. requires - needs.
Neal left the ship two hours later, not having met any more of the crew. He placed an order for some of things he knew he’d be needing before going to one
(cutout "be needing" and replace it with "need")
-a little more old school.
“Just ‘pass it forward’,” Neal replied. At her look of confusion he grinned. “You know how to pay back a favor, right?” at her nod he said,
(At needs to be capitalized)
-ok
. Three, I said ‘please’
(possibly add a "just" in between "I" and "please")
Treckka nodded. “Can do. I’ll give him the ship basics while we work.”
(Possibly add a comma after "Can do" as that is a fragment)
Trust me, it’s much better than having the whole ship
(need a ";" after "me")
-ok
“Good enough…. It’s almost Kassy’s bedtime,
(bedtime needs a ";" after it)
-ok
With just her currently running on just half a lung, the air was slowing turning more and more foul.
(possibly use the word "fouler")
Neal nodded and smiled. “Don’t worry, every credit will go into you having nicer air to breath.
(need a ";" after "worry," and an "e" at the end of "breath" to make it a "breathe")
-ok
“I’ll give you guys time to discuss it,” he said before gathering up his PADD and leaving.
(guy's)
-you guys. I took this guy's stuff. Sorry, no ' for the one I used.
“The other screens were all patched or partially blocked, reducing the work they did
(blocked needs a ";" after it)
-ok
The last couple were just doing what they could to keep the systems going.
("was" not "were")
-couple means more than one, so were fits better then was. (say it out loud, it doesn't sound right with was - at least not to me )
You’ll only prove yourself stupid if you fall to take the opportunity to learn.”
("fail" not "fall")
-Thank you, correcting it for the next update.
Alright, this is a quick edit done in roughly 15minutes. Those were th immidiate mistakes i, or MS Word found. I hope they help, take them or leave them as you will.
- the problem with just using word is it wants to correct thinks 'its' way, which isn't always right either.
As for the story, i like how you incorporated the "past" with the present. It's a fresh outlook on his story. It was a fun read.
-That's what was intended. (as well as showing how there may be a few other ships that like to work with him.)
“What all will this monitor?” he asked, looking over the little sensor.
(What's with all these monitor's?)
-What will this do - not 'why do you need so many'.
“The PADD quires them for gases and air pressure only,”
(requires)
-quires - asks. requires - needs.
Neal left the ship two hours later, not having met any more of the crew. He placed an order for some of things he knew he’d be needing before going to one
(cutout "be needing" and replace it with "need")
-a little more old school.
“Just ‘pass it forward’,” Neal replied. At her look of confusion he grinned. “You know how to pay back a favor, right?” at her nod he said,
(At needs to be capitalized)
-ok
. Three, I said ‘please’
(possibly add a "just" in between "I" and "please")
Treckka nodded. “Can do. I’ll give him the ship basics while we work.”
(Possibly add a comma after "Can do" as that is a fragment)
Trust me, it’s much better than having the whole ship
(need a ";" after "me")
-ok
“Good enough…. It’s almost Kassy’s bedtime,
(bedtime needs a ";" after it)
-ok
With just her currently running on just half a lung, the air was slowing turning more and more foul.
(possibly use the word "fouler")
Neal nodded and smiled. “Don’t worry, every credit will go into you having nicer air to breath.
(need a ";" after "worry," and an "e" at the end of "breath" to make it a "breathe")
-ok
“I’ll give you guys time to discuss it,” he said before gathering up his PADD and leaving.
(guy's)
-you guys. I took this guy's stuff. Sorry, no ' for the one I used.
“The other screens were all patched or partially blocked, reducing the work they did
(blocked needs a ";" after it)
-ok
The last couple were just doing what they could to keep the systems going.
("was" not "were")
-couple means more than one, so were fits better then was. (say it out loud, it doesn't sound right with was - at least not to me )
You’ll only prove yourself stupid if you fall to take the opportunity to learn.”
("fail" not "fall")
-Thank you, correcting it for the next update.
Alright, this is a quick edit done in roughly 15minutes. Those were th immidiate mistakes i, or MS Word found. I hope they help, take them or leave them as you will.
- the problem with just using word is it wants to correct thinks 'its' way, which isn't always right either.
As for the story, i like how you incorporated the "past" with the present. It's a fresh outlook on his story. It was a fun read.
-That's what was intended. (as well as showing how there may be a few other ships that like to work with him.)
A nice read, as per usual from you. Can we look forward to more stories of Foster's Maverick shenanigans, or is this as far as the muse is going to go?
P.S. Love the use of the dazzle with brilliance / baffle with bullshit line, I had only ever heard my grandfather use that expression before.
P.S. Love the use of the dazzle with brilliance / baffle with bullshit line, I had only ever heard my grandfather use that expression before.
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