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More from tluthal
Rip this apart please! I'd love to hear any critique. Any questions, any comments... as long as they're polite, constructive criticisms are welcome. Thanks for reading! Images of the main character are scattered throughout my gallery, or you can check This journal.
Category Story / Fantasy
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 9.5 kB
Was wandering around the site when I stumbled on this in the FA_Writers thing. I figured I should leave the comment over here for your convenience. I'm not the world's greatest editor (I don't even trust my own writing) but there are a few things I can point out. I am half-asleep as I'm doing this so please forgive me if my typing suffers as a result.
I wouldn't start the third paragraph with "and". It isn't necessary and not grammatically correct.
"been refused the clergy" should be "refused by the clergy".
"Bust every temple" Two things there: First "Bust" should be "But" and second starting that sentence with "but" is the same as starting with "and". It;s not necessary and not technically correct.
"sauntered her way towards" doesn't need the "her way" but it isn't actually incorrect.
"an outside" should be "an outsider"
"an impure soul; but to the" doesn't need the semi-colon. The word "but" serves that function in this sentence.
"nearby town, they were" doesn't need the comma.
I would turn "closed to prevent raids by the unscrupulous Kitrai." into a new sentence. "They were closed to prevent raids by the unscrupulous Kitrai."
"gase" should be "gaze".
"welcome here, and those" doesn't need the comma.
"into disarray, and disappeared" doesn't need the comma. The word "and" serves that function in this sentence.
"commotion was, while others" doesn't need the comma.
"quirming" should be "squirming".
"the todd sighed. "Oh, kit, we won't kick you out." "The" should be capitalized and there should be a comma after "sighed" to indicate who's speaking.
"Regine moved to West Island in Centrai, and I took a change to escape her." You don't need the comma after Centrai and "change" should be "chance".
"already done so, but this High Priest" doesn't need the comma after "so".
"hear, and stared" doesn't need the comma.
"It was tough, flat bread with a sharp cheese first, then a sweeter version of the same bread with fresh honey, and last a watered, ritual wine." I would start the sentence with "first" rather than putting it after cheese. Also, you don't need a comma after "honey".
"While she had not yet felt the touch of her season, the conversion was extreme enough" I would probably start this sentence with "though" but "while" is not incorrect. Also, you don't need the comma after "season".
"steeps" should be "steps".
"since else would" I would use the word "more" there. I don't think "else" is technically wrong but it does seem a little awkward.
"felt impure - and after all, would" I don't think you need the hyphen there. Also, I think there should be another comma before "after".
"to prepare, and that" doesn't need the comma.
"chastened" should be "chastised".
"Novice-Masters, I'll be having words" It should be a period after "Novice-Masters" rather than a comma.
"little thing: but she wasn't" doesn't need the colon.
"The Gods-Ring" should be "The Gods'-Ring" since I'm assuming that you want the possessive form of plural Gods.
"sacred energy, and ringed" doesn't need the comma.
"visited on her" should be "visited upon her".
It seems like a long list, I know, but a lot of it is really the same mistake in different places. Anything else I could find to complain about would be nothing but personal taste issues (silly things like the font) and thus not something I have the right to criticize. So far so good! I don't know if there is any more of this up and I don't have time to look right now (I do need to sleep for a couple hours at some point tonight ...*looks at the sun*...today.) but the more you write the better you'll get.
I wouldn't start the third paragraph with "and". It isn't necessary and not grammatically correct.
"been refused the clergy" should be "refused by the clergy".
"Bust every temple" Two things there: First "Bust" should be "But" and second starting that sentence with "but" is the same as starting with "and". It;s not necessary and not technically correct.
"sauntered her way towards" doesn't need the "her way" but it isn't actually incorrect.
"an outside" should be "an outsider"
"an impure soul; but to the" doesn't need the semi-colon. The word "but" serves that function in this sentence.
"nearby town, they were" doesn't need the comma.
I would turn "closed to prevent raids by the unscrupulous Kitrai." into a new sentence. "They were closed to prevent raids by the unscrupulous Kitrai."
"gase" should be "gaze".
"welcome here, and those" doesn't need the comma.
"into disarray, and disappeared" doesn't need the comma. The word "and" serves that function in this sentence.
"commotion was, while others" doesn't need the comma.
"quirming" should be "squirming".
"the todd sighed. "Oh, kit, we won't kick you out." "The" should be capitalized and there should be a comma after "sighed" to indicate who's speaking.
"Regine moved to West Island in Centrai, and I took a change to escape her." You don't need the comma after Centrai and "change" should be "chance".
"already done so, but this High Priest" doesn't need the comma after "so".
"hear, and stared" doesn't need the comma.
"It was tough, flat bread with a sharp cheese first, then a sweeter version of the same bread with fresh honey, and last a watered, ritual wine." I would start the sentence with "first" rather than putting it after cheese. Also, you don't need a comma after "honey".
"While she had not yet felt the touch of her season, the conversion was extreme enough" I would probably start this sentence with "though" but "while" is not incorrect. Also, you don't need the comma after "season".
"steeps" should be "steps".
"since else would" I would use the word "more" there. I don't think "else" is technically wrong but it does seem a little awkward.
"felt impure - and after all, would" I don't think you need the hyphen there. Also, I think there should be another comma before "after".
"to prepare, and that" doesn't need the comma.
"chastened" should be "chastised".
"Novice-Masters, I'll be having words" It should be a period after "Novice-Masters" rather than a comma.
"little thing: but she wasn't" doesn't need the colon.
"The Gods-Ring" should be "The Gods'-Ring" since I'm assuming that you want the possessive form of plural Gods.
"sacred energy, and ringed" doesn't need the comma.
"visited on her" should be "visited upon her".
It seems like a long list, I know, but a lot of it is really the same mistake in different places. Anything else I could find to complain about would be nothing but personal taste issues (silly things like the font) and thus not something I have the right to criticize. So far so good! I don't know if there is any more of this up and I don't have time to look right now (I do need to sleep for a couple hours at some point tonight ...*looks at the sun*...today.) but the more you write the better you'll get.
Considering I typed most of that up in a rush, I hadn't realized the spelling mistakes (and somebody was supposed to have looked the dang thing over). I do have a response to some of those however.
"Been refused the clergy": Elwina was refused the chance to become a priestess. She wasn't refused BY the clergy, she was refused the opportunity to become part OF the clergy.
Anyplace with ", and": Just a comma would be this little thing called a comma splice. It needs the "and" or it would be two complete sentences joined with just a comma - and that is grammatically incorrect. Trust me, I just spent my last school year in comp, by the end of the year the only mistakes I was making when I was using a program with spellcheck was comma splicing.
Starting with "but" and "and": Perfect grammar wasn't entirely the point here. The paragraph with the "and"s was demonstrating a point. With the "but", again I was making a point. That was an explanation.
The semi-colon could have been a comma, but the semi-colon was separating the two ideas - An outsider versus a townsperson. And as to making a new sentence about the Kitrai, as it was part of the same idea I don't see a need. It would have required restatement which would stop the flow of the story.
Most of the "doesn't need a comma" where there wasn't an "and" were put there to indicate a pause so that the reader knew something new was being introduced. It flows better with the comma than without. It's a matter of personal preference, and again it makes the story flow better.
The bit about the todd speaking doesn't need a comma there. If "the todd sighed" were after his sentence, the last sentence he said would need a comma but as it's a complete sentence and Adolph didn't say anything in the same paragraph no comma is needed. In any case, as there was a paragraph break before Adolph spoke it's a moot point. It was very clear it was the todd speaking without a comma being needed.
The first thing is once again personal preference and has more to do with how I think than anything else.
Considering that "else" was introduced by "nothing else" it makes more sense to repeat the else than to use more.
Chastised means something different than what I meant - chastened indicates that it's not so much a punishment for itself, but a punishment to make the punished understand and accept. I wrote what I meant and meant what I wrote in that case.
The bit about the Novice-Masters doesn't need a period. I just omitted a "because" there because it should have been very obvious what she meant.
The Gods-Ring wasn't meant to be plural-possessive. It's a ring made of statues of the gods, so it's a Ring of Gods, not a Ring belonging to the Gods.
Again with the commas, yes it did need it. If you just look at what you quoted yes, it would need it, but as it was actually "lit with sacred energy, and ringed with each of the High Priests and Priestesses" it's two different things, besides which it doesn't make sense without the comma!
I think you need to re-evaluate how you look at commas. I'm taking about ten months of having how to use commas in three different classes, so except where I forget to add a conjunction after them I'm pretty good about where they go. I may be wrong, but as except for the typos none of these were marked not only by my creative writing teacher, but also my entire creative writing class I'm inclined to believe that I was write. Again, I could be wrong, it just doesn't seem likely.
Thank you VERY much for taking the time to point out where the typos and errors were rather than just saying they were there! I do appreciate it, and I'm sorry if I come off as abrasive. I don't mean to be, I'm just defending my points and views.
"Been refused the clergy": Elwina was refused the chance to become a priestess. She wasn't refused BY the clergy, she was refused the opportunity to become part OF the clergy.
Anyplace with ", and": Just a comma would be this little thing called a comma splice. It needs the "and" or it would be two complete sentences joined with just a comma - and that is grammatically incorrect. Trust me, I just spent my last school year in comp, by the end of the year the only mistakes I was making when I was using a program with spellcheck was comma splicing.
Starting with "but" and "and": Perfect grammar wasn't entirely the point here. The paragraph with the "and"s was demonstrating a point. With the "but", again I was making a point. That was an explanation.
The semi-colon could have been a comma, but the semi-colon was separating the two ideas - An outsider versus a townsperson. And as to making a new sentence about the Kitrai, as it was part of the same idea I don't see a need. It would have required restatement which would stop the flow of the story.
Most of the "doesn't need a comma" where there wasn't an "and" were put there to indicate a pause so that the reader knew something new was being introduced. It flows better with the comma than without. It's a matter of personal preference, and again it makes the story flow better.
The bit about the todd speaking doesn't need a comma there. If "the todd sighed" were after his sentence, the last sentence he said would need a comma but as it's a complete sentence and Adolph didn't say anything in the same paragraph no comma is needed. In any case, as there was a paragraph break before Adolph spoke it's a moot point. It was very clear it was the todd speaking without a comma being needed.
The first thing is once again personal preference and has more to do with how I think than anything else.
Considering that "else" was introduced by "nothing else" it makes more sense to repeat the else than to use more.
Chastised means something different than what I meant - chastened indicates that it's not so much a punishment for itself, but a punishment to make the punished understand and accept. I wrote what I meant and meant what I wrote in that case.
The bit about the Novice-Masters doesn't need a period. I just omitted a "because" there because it should have been very obvious what she meant.
The Gods-Ring wasn't meant to be plural-possessive. It's a ring made of statues of the gods, so it's a Ring of Gods, not a Ring belonging to the Gods.
Again with the commas, yes it did need it. If you just look at what you quoted yes, it would need it, but as it was actually "lit with sacred energy, and ringed with each of the High Priests and Priestesses" it's two different things, besides which it doesn't make sense without the comma!
I think you need to re-evaluate how you look at commas. I'm taking about ten months of having how to use commas in three different classes, so except where I forget to add a conjunction after them I'm pretty good about where they go. I may be wrong, but as except for the typos none of these were marked not only by my creative writing teacher, but also my entire creative writing class I'm inclined to believe that I was write. Again, I could be wrong, it just doesn't seem likely.
Thank you VERY much for taking the time to point out where the typos and errors were rather than just saying they were there! I do appreciate it, and I'm sorry if I come off as abrasive. I don't mean to be, I'm just defending my points and views.
I will be the first to admit that I do have some trouble with commas. They seem to be the one thing I find myself questioning most often. Looking at some of your explanations I can see that there are a few things that I misread and others that really are a matter of personal style. I would like to apologize for questioning the use of the word "chastened". I had been up for twenty hours at that point and was getting a little impatient. I'm afraid that I didn't look it up and assumed that it wasn't a word simply because I hadn't seen it before. Again, my apologies for that.
All that being said there are a few things that I still think I'm correct about.
Any place that I suggested removing a comma before the word "and" comes from personal experience. Whenever I used to write for school it would be marked off if I used a comma before the word "and". Since "and" is a conjunction it connects the two clauses and negates the need for another punctuation. A comma wouldn't be the correct punctuation anyway because it would create a comma splice, as you mentioned. Also, if you're listing something the "and" would serve the function of the comma. I used to be the world's worst offender when it came to comma splicing and I tend to be paranoid about overusing commas as a result.
The only other thing that I would still disagree with you about is the "Novice-Masters" part. "I'll have words with them later." is a complete sentence and does not need to be linked with the prior sentence. If you do want to keep the sentences conjoined then I would suggest using a semi-colon or a hyphen rather than a comma so as to avoid a comma splice.
No need to apologize for anything here; you didn't come off as abrasive to me. You have every right to defend your work. In fact, thank you for even taking the time to read and address my suggestions. I think the best work probably comes with the balance between what the writer wants and an editor suggests.
If I were in your position of choosing between my suggestions and your teacher's I would probably side with the teacher as well. I don't have any advanced English or writing education. All I have is some basic English, a lot of practice and a mother who was an English major. However, if you are using your teacher as your primary editor then I would would suggest mentioning my suggestions to him/her and getting his/her opinion before making a final decision.
All that being said there are a few things that I still think I'm correct about.
Any place that I suggested removing a comma before the word "and" comes from personal experience. Whenever I used to write for school it would be marked off if I used a comma before the word "and". Since "and" is a conjunction it connects the two clauses and negates the need for another punctuation. A comma wouldn't be the correct punctuation anyway because it would create a comma splice, as you mentioned. Also, if you're listing something the "and" would serve the function of the comma. I used to be the world's worst offender when it came to comma splicing and I tend to be paranoid about overusing commas as a result.
The only other thing that I would still disagree with you about is the "Novice-Masters" part. "I'll have words with them later." is a complete sentence and does not need to be linked with the prior sentence. If you do want to keep the sentences conjoined then I would suggest using a semi-colon or a hyphen rather than a comma so as to avoid a comma splice.
No need to apologize for anything here; you didn't come off as abrasive to me. You have every right to defend your work. In fact, thank you for even taking the time to read and address my suggestions. I think the best work probably comes with the balance between what the writer wants and an editor suggests.
If I were in your position of choosing between my suggestions and your teacher's I would probably side with the teacher as well. I don't have any advanced English or writing education. All I have is some basic English, a lot of practice and a mother who was an English major. However, if you are using your teacher as your primary editor then I would would suggest mentioning my suggestions to him/her and getting his/her opinion before making a final decision.
Thing with the ", and" is that since I'm not writing a paper but a story some different rules apply - a comma indicates a pause, where an "and" wouldn't. It breaks the sentence up into more workable chunks.
While the "Novice-Masters" part does have a complete sentence, "The rest of you, go report to your Novice-Masters, I'll be having words with them," makes more sense when it's all together. At least to me. I can see your point about using a semi-colon instead however.
Honestly anyone who wants to edit my work is welcome to, but unless multiple people point something out I tend to go with my first instinct or a professional's opinion.
While the "Novice-Masters" part does have a complete sentence, "The rest of you, go report to your Novice-Masters, I'll be having words with them," makes more sense when it's all together. At least to me. I can see your point about using a semi-colon instead however.
Honestly anyone who wants to edit my work is welcome to, but unless multiple people point something out I tend to go with my first instinct or a professional's opinion.
Ah, now I see what you're saying about the commas. I use "..." most of the time to represent a pause in dialogue and tend to avoid pausing in non-dialogue. I suppose I could attribute that to my comma-paranoia. Ultimately it's a matter of personal style, I guess.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my comments. I really did enjoy this story and would like to read more if you decide to continue it. Good luck with your writing!
Once again, thank you for taking the time to read my comments. I really did enjoy this story and would like to read more if you decide to continue it. Good luck with your writing!
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