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More from Tyrranius
Suddenly started writing last night, and this is what came of it.
Plz leave comments, they would be greatly appreciated. :3
I've got one other poem that I wrote, it should be up within the hour, so don't change the channel just yet. n_n
Plz leave comments, they would be greatly appreciated. :3
I've got one other poem that I wrote, it should be up within the hour, so don't change the channel just yet. n_n
Category Poetry / All
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 1.2 kB
Interesting subject, and like how you mixed in the plant references! ;D
Positive Critique Time! \(^o^)/
1.) Now let's see, I found stanza 4 to be a bit FORCED, ONLY because of the rhyme consisting of "volcanoes" and "rhinos." Don't get me wrong, it WORKS; but, knowing that you were using a tree as your poem's basis, it threw me off, more so the "rhinos." It seems to me that those two lines were simply made TO rhyme. Their presence was kinda random. =/
2.) Also, you use the word "flourishly" in the first stanza. I'm afraid that THAT'S not a real word! D:
(Flourish) is a verb; you CAN'T make a (verb) into an (adverb), which is what you did. Are you looking for something like "cheerfully" or "buoyantly"? D:
3.) Also for the first stanza, you want to CLARIFY the flow and meaning of your lines with proper comma placement; it looks like it should be:
"You imagine yourself like the thickest tree(,)
Streaming flourishly with bright green feathers
Down your arms into your wonderous oak, so free" (changing "flourishly" of course) =3
4.) Next, the 2nd stanza's 1st line seems a bit ambiguous. Did you want it like THIS:
*) "Dreams(,) like fantasies," --> as in, dreams are LIKE fantasies?
I'm afraid the way you have it now makes me think that SOMEONE is dreaming LIKE a fantasy! :<
5.) Stanza 2, line 3 --> should be "its" (possessive)
6.) Stanza 4, line 3 --> should be "rhinos"
7.) Stanza 5, line 3 --> should be "its" (possessive)
8.) Last stanza, line 1 --> should be "reservoirs"
9.) Last stanza, line 2 --> should be "liabilities"
Anyhoo, the message was nicely presented. You've come a long way with your descriptive skills (imagery) my furiend! ;3
Sorry for the late reply, now i need to rest before reading you NEXT poem! 8D
Positive Critique Time! \(^o^)/
1.) Now let's see, I found stanza 4 to be a bit FORCED, ONLY because of the rhyme consisting of "volcanoes" and "rhinos." Don't get me wrong, it WORKS; but, knowing that you were using a tree as your poem's basis, it threw me off, more so the "rhinos." It seems to me that those two lines were simply made TO rhyme. Their presence was kinda random. =/
2.) Also, you use the word "flourishly" in the first stanza. I'm afraid that THAT'S not a real word! D:
(Flourish) is a verb; you CAN'T make a (verb) into an (adverb), which is what you did. Are you looking for something like "cheerfully" or "buoyantly"? D:
3.) Also for the first stanza, you want to CLARIFY the flow and meaning of your lines with proper comma placement; it looks like it should be:
"You imagine yourself like the thickest tree(,)
Streaming flourishly with bright green feathers
Down your arms into your wonderous oak, so free" (changing "flourishly" of course) =3
4.) Next, the 2nd stanza's 1st line seems a bit ambiguous. Did you want it like THIS:
*) "Dreams(,) like fantasies," --> as in, dreams are LIKE fantasies?
I'm afraid the way you have it now makes me think that SOMEONE is dreaming LIKE a fantasy! :<
5.) Stanza 2, line 3 --> should be "its" (possessive)
6.) Stanza 4, line 3 --> should be "rhinos"
7.) Stanza 5, line 3 --> should be "its" (possessive)
8.) Last stanza, line 1 --> should be "reservoirs"
9.) Last stanza, line 2 --> should be "liabilities"
Anyhoo, the message was nicely presented. You've come a long way with your descriptive skills (imagery) my furiend! ;3
Sorry for the late reply, now i need to rest before reading you NEXT poem! 8D
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