Lots of lame ass loser furs come up to me and ask, "Metal, how can I hope to be as cool and popular as you?"

Being a well-known and truly generous furry icon, I start by being direct and honest.
"Basically, you can't. You weren't born with the right genetics. I mean, just look at you."

Don't worry folks, I still managed to make up a chart with some pointers on why I'm so well loved by every fuckin' person on the planet.

A. Penis -
Sorry ladies, this is a male exclusive. Wanna rule the world? Not if you have a cunny, I'm afraid.
I mean, it looks like a gunshot wound and it smells like a bait shop. Tell me, who would want to take a sexy photo of that?
Also, it helps if you have a big cock. I hear mine is like the perfect size: not too small, not too big. Though, if I may toot my own horn, I had the thickest cock in my kindergarten class. As a matter of fact, it's still the biggest whenever I visit a kindergarten class to this day.
Yep, my stinky lil' cock is quite dependable.

B. Fat Gut -
People love to socialize over a good meal. That's why it's so important that you be able to put down three or more dinners in one day. Think about how much more social networking you could do if you went to Denny's, TGIF, and Chili's all in one night!

C. Big Ears -
Makes me look cute. Fuck you!

D. Bandanas -
Am I a biker, a faggot, or do I just have impeccable fashion taste? Keep them guessing with official boy's town hankies.
They also double as an ether rag if you're in need of a playmate.

E. Bullet Belt -
Covers up my F.U.P.A. (Fatty Upper Penis Area).
Plus it attracts the attention of security guards, bouncers, and creepy old men that want to show you his guns.

F. Crop -
Now you're the life of any party. Whap an old bitch in the back or let her tan your behind. It doesn't hurt that bad, so don't be a cry baby.

G. Collar -
Should be popped. No exceptions. I have no idea how I was caught with my collar in the poser configuration. Must have been early in the morning.

H. Eyes -
Piercing and yellow. Wondering whether you are going to be raped? Check here first. Also, don't expect me to recognize you; I'm legally blind.

So now you know. Don't let me catch you trying to be like me or I'll tear your scalp off.

Photography by  ersis