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I was watching The Wall today with my friends and I just had my paper and such with me like usually and just started writing. It took me till after the movie to finish though.
Category Poetry / Other Music
Species Unspecified / Any
Size 120 x 72px
File Size 742 B
Ah, quite metal. Reminds me of Demanufacture by Fear Factory.
Anyway, not a bad piece, but I want to be honest with some criticism, if you'll allow me. The poetic imagery and descriptions you used work well, but I think the order is a bit off. For example, the first two stanzas talk of how people waste their lives conforming, with the third and fourth speaking of how one should leave the "herd." However, the last two stanzas do not talk of how to make this escape, more reasons why it should be made, or what the result will be when one escapes, but rather continues to the first theme of imprisonment by society. So, while the narrator recognizes the imprisonment, and seeks to end it by having people heed his words, he goes back to talking about this injustice. This 180 makes it seem as if the people the speaker is attempting to influence won't heed him, and continue their dreary existence ignorant of a better way. In my opinion, this makes the composition seem confused, as well as devoid of hope, or resolution.
Anyway, though, that's just my opinion, and you may not agree with it, whatever. Just hope I'm helping in some way.
Anyway, not a bad piece, but I want to be honest with some criticism, if you'll allow me. The poetic imagery and descriptions you used work well, but I think the order is a bit off. For example, the first two stanzas talk of how people waste their lives conforming, with the third and fourth speaking of how one should leave the "herd." However, the last two stanzas do not talk of how to make this escape, more reasons why it should be made, or what the result will be when one escapes, but rather continues to the first theme of imprisonment by society. So, while the narrator recognizes the imprisonment, and seeks to end it by having people heed his words, he goes back to talking about this injustice. This 180 makes it seem as if the people the speaker is attempting to influence won't heed him, and continue their dreary existence ignorant of a better way. In my opinion, this makes the composition seem confused, as well as devoid of hope, or resolution.
Anyway, though, that's just my opinion, and you may not agree with it, whatever. Just hope I'm helping in some way.
Nah man, that makes perfect sense. I wasn't really feeling the last two either when I was reading over. I thank you for the criticism, not enough people on here say anything other than, "I like that, its cool" and that of course doesn't help me write better at all.
I don't have a very large source on how poetry actually works, one day when I got ditched by some friends, wrote something and I've just been attempting it since. You have indeed helped and I thank you again.
I don't have a very large source on how poetry actually works, one day when I got ditched by some friends, wrote something and I've just been attempting it since. You have indeed helped and I thank you again.
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