Gah! I always feel as though you're talking to me with these stream-of-conscious things.

>_>
<_<

Because, you know, I'm always up for some messin' ah round. : D

Gah, no. This isn't about you, hahahah.

...er, wait...you're what now...? :3

Yes very expiremental...um...its definitly different, though um... well... ok not trying to be harsh or anything, but um I can understand where the whole idea is coming from, but the thing is that it just starts off at sorta in the middle, (as if you just opened a book to a random page and started there) and then it keeps climatically rising, and falling, and well the thing is that it doesn't quite hold either the "high" or "low" parts quite long enough...to keep interest...Just my personal view from what I've learned from writing stories, for years, as well as reading alot of classic novels when I was younger...

Still the Idea is Not bad, Especially for working it up in an hour...

Keep at it, and after words read through what you write, a few months later, (don't scrap your work though) re read it again, and it'll be like a familiar but new perspective, and you might be able to see some things that you can make better:3
Over all theres nothing wrong with your writing I think your a great writer, you just need to work on the "flow" of suspense and keeping interest, in the stories you wrote that I've read,
I find it as this, It is a repetative flow of ups and downs, (while in its self not a bad thing) but sometimes once the suspence has built up from one paragraph, then the next suddenly cuts it down to a mellow calm...

Don't let this discourage you though, because you do have one thing that I especially like, and that is the way you keep the dialogue more in touch with real life. You write it in a more realistic tone. Thats something thats not really too easily pulled off, especially not in a way that can be taken completly through a whole story... So keep that:3 and keep working on them:3

Thanks for the comment. I appreciate the criticism. I understand the issue concerning the flow and the pacing, and I'd like to point out that it was intentionally written that way. The whole thing is supposed to read as though a guy is just standing there, ranting, with no real sense of direction...and he can't bring himself to stop because he's afraid of the silence and (more importantly) he's afraid of what the other person will say. So in that sense his extended monologue is purposefully repetitive. I think the thing I like about the piece best is that fact that his speech is really so pathetic, really, the way he carries on. I find that very significant for the character.

You make a good point, though, concerning the flow. If I started to lose your interest, then that's at least something I can keep in mind to try to work on for future projects.

I get where your coming from, and I look forward to your future works, (which I suppose is a compliment, since I usually hate reading:3...especially anything more than like 3 paragraphs...:0)