This is the 60-70hr collab I did w/ siege siege being a multimedia project that required media I knew nothing about as well as shooting techniques that were also alien to me. I shot this series with the idea that i was to capture fleeting moments of rapture that an old man was seeing as he was dying. It went off the idea from American Beauty sort of, that you can't capture moments and grip them, b/c it's futile.

"I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday"

So I got lost in the city and wound up taking 9 rolls of medium format film = 135 photos.

This is where the collab came in. To seek out these moments and emotions I put on certain mixes: a cuddling mix i made for my now "non specific fur" boyfriend and one i made for siege siege, and some other songs that meant a lot to me (like a Lua, "Lime Tree, and "Don't Know When a Days Gonna Come" by Bright eyes, and "The Ghost Inside My House" by Cloud Cult (which is my ringtone and also makes me think of both my bestfriend/boyfriend and Siege)).

From the photos I shot, me and Siege picked the ones we both liked the best (admittedly mine took precedence over his). We would listen to the music together sometimes, not for this but just to enjoy the other one. I told him to find lyrics in the songs that i was listening to that would inspire the feelings that i was going for. And when i presented them I would play the accompanying songs. (this didn't work however due to time restraints at my critique, but luckily i can show the real thing on here).

It is medium format negatives enlarged on 11"x14" b/w photo paper. selectively toned using rubber cement as a masking agent. the wax words were applied with brush using hot wax over a stencil of the letters. The wax was poured, sprinkled, dribbled, twisted, spattered and etc on the print (adding the effect that these moments are fleeting and melting). Then i added white paint marker to the letters due to them being lost after applied more wax. Finally I overmatted the whole series in 16"x20" mat board.

As this whole project was about what a man would remember as his fleeting moments of rapture left him, it was morbidly ironic that Siege suffered a head on collision that should have left him dead a week before i finished the series.

Both of us put so much time, energy, emotion, and yes tears into this. This can only be seen in my eyes and your eyes as ours. I've grown to love him and trust him. And was so happy it came out the way it did only shame is that truly in real life can these photos/wax painting/sculptures/poetry/music experience really take hold for someone.

I showed this to the admissions office of Kansas City Art Institute and she was so amazed by this series. I left with her asking me to push for getting into school there for the fall semester even though the deadline was Feb. 15th!!!!

"All these memories lost.....like tears in rain.......time to die"

Listen to this song while looking at this piece: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rd6KKeGMjqE (ignore the video, and just listen to the music)