
[BIO]
Alan Zander began his life in a broken family in poverty.
one of the few overlanders born in the mobian capital city of Mobotropolis,
Alan never knew his father's true identity, and had to steal food to feed both himself and his mother.
At the age of 6, Alan met the then Princess Aleena.
a "quilless" Hedgehog royal visiting from the kingdom of Mobodoon.
despite there differing species and social classes, the two became friends almost instantly.
Over the years, Alan and Aleena would socialize with each Mobodoon visit to Mobotropolis.
It wasn't until they both turned 17 (in the wake of the Great War) that things changed for them, however.
Aleena's parents, King Maverick and Queen Sophia, suddenly became ill and died on the same day.
and, despite her sister being the eldest, Aleena was chosen as the heir to the throne of Mobodoon.
Alan's mother, Melody, also died during this time. due to the war, many mobians in Mobotropolis
turned on their human neighbors, prompting them to flee the city, or perish.
a handful of mobotropolin humans were killed while trying to escape..Alan's mother being among them
(though, because of his prior friendship with Aleena. Alan NEVER hated Mobians for his mother's murder.)
decades would pass before Alan would see his mobian friend again.
at the age of 21, Alan found a new life as a clerk at the Megaopolis Records.
eventually succeeding his mentor "Kanto Takei" in becoming Master Archivist.
but, Alan's fate was forever change when Warlord Julian Kintobor (rechristened "Doctor Robotnik")
betrayed King Maximillion Acorn, and began a somewhat remarkable campaign to conquer Planet Mobius.
a conquest that was officially made known to his own kind with the ruthless invasion of Megaopolis.
Through most of what is now known as "The Robotnik War"
Alan served as a soldier under the command of Hugo Brass of G.U.N.
(who trained Alan in everything he needed to know about combat and strategy.)
Mid-way through the war, Hugo Brass appeared to have perished in battle.
during which Alan reluctantly assumed "temporary command."
However, when It became known that Brass was still alive,
and now in league with Robotnik's forces for his own reasons,
Alan finally accepted his role as leader.
In order to become a more effective fighting force,
Alan (temporarily) dissolved GUN, and remade it in the image of Princess Sally's Freedom Fighters
believing that a team of "Family and Friends" would be more effective
than the strict military unit that Hugo Brass had previously led.
As a leader, Alan is compassionate, noble..but, also stern.
many under his command have come to respect him for his character,
and, actually prefer him over past leaders, and quite possibly any others that will come after.
Under Alan's command, The Resistance saw the recruitment of Mobians among It's ranks.
starting with Rouge, a teenage bat girl possessing impressive stealth skills.
After the war, G.U.N. was reinstated as the primary military of the United Federation,
with Alan's former first lieutenant "Abraham Tower" as It's new commander.
Most rejoined the new GUN, while others stayed loyal to Alan,
and, kept his "freedom fighter" team alive as a separated unit.
when Robotnik returned (reborn as Dr. Eggman), they sprang into action,
and, Alan Zander once again assumed leadership, resuming the fight for freedom.
Alan Zander married Queen Aleena Hedgehog.
and, sired the first mobilander (Mobian/Overlander Hybrid) child: Tia Zander.
At some point, Alan ALSO finally learnt the identity of his father.
revealed to be none other than the disgraced "Lord Charlemagne",
the man who STARTED the Great War between Mobians and Overlanders to begin with!
a fact that continues to trouble the gentle natured Alan Zander to this very day.
*****
After some motivation and encouragement from a friend,
I decided to get my redesign of my Sonicverse OC "Alan Zander" finished, and posted.
using a preferred Sonic style, was was careful to make Alan look 'accurate'
to how I perceive "humans" should look in Sonic's World.
Alan Zander began his life in a broken family in poverty.
one of the few overlanders born in the mobian capital city of Mobotropolis,
Alan never knew his father's true identity, and had to steal food to feed both himself and his mother.
At the age of 6, Alan met the then Princess Aleena.
a "quilless" Hedgehog royal visiting from the kingdom of Mobodoon.
despite there differing species and social classes, the two became friends almost instantly.
Over the years, Alan and Aleena would socialize with each Mobodoon visit to Mobotropolis.
It wasn't until they both turned 17 (in the wake of the Great War) that things changed for them, however.
Aleena's parents, King Maverick and Queen Sophia, suddenly became ill and died on the same day.
and, despite her sister being the eldest, Aleena was chosen as the heir to the throne of Mobodoon.
Alan's mother, Melody, also died during this time. due to the war, many mobians in Mobotropolis
turned on their human neighbors, prompting them to flee the city, or perish.
a handful of mobotropolin humans were killed while trying to escape..Alan's mother being among them
(though, because of his prior friendship with Aleena. Alan NEVER hated Mobians for his mother's murder.)
decades would pass before Alan would see his mobian friend again.
at the age of 21, Alan found a new life as a clerk at the Megaopolis Records.
eventually succeeding his mentor "Kanto Takei" in becoming Master Archivist.
but, Alan's fate was forever change when Warlord Julian Kintobor (rechristened "Doctor Robotnik")
betrayed King Maximillion Acorn, and began a somewhat remarkable campaign to conquer Planet Mobius.
a conquest that was officially made known to his own kind with the ruthless invasion of Megaopolis.
Through most of what is now known as "The Robotnik War"
Alan served as a soldier under the command of Hugo Brass of G.U.N.
(who trained Alan in everything he needed to know about combat and strategy.)
Mid-way through the war, Hugo Brass appeared to have perished in battle.
during which Alan reluctantly assumed "temporary command."
However, when It became known that Brass was still alive,
and now in league with Robotnik's forces for his own reasons,
Alan finally accepted his role as leader.
In order to become a more effective fighting force,
Alan (temporarily) dissolved GUN, and remade it in the image of Princess Sally's Freedom Fighters
believing that a team of "Family and Friends" would be more effective
than the strict military unit that Hugo Brass had previously led.
As a leader, Alan is compassionate, noble..but, also stern.
many under his command have come to respect him for his character,
and, actually prefer him over past leaders, and quite possibly any others that will come after.
Under Alan's command, The Resistance saw the recruitment of Mobians among It's ranks.
starting with Rouge, a teenage bat girl possessing impressive stealth skills.
After the war, G.U.N. was reinstated as the primary military of the United Federation,
with Alan's former first lieutenant "Abraham Tower" as It's new commander.
Most rejoined the new GUN, while others stayed loyal to Alan,
and, kept his "freedom fighter" team alive as a separated unit.
when Robotnik returned (reborn as Dr. Eggman), they sprang into action,
and, Alan Zander once again assumed leadership, resuming the fight for freedom.
Alan Zander married Queen Aleena Hedgehog.
and, sired the first mobilander (Mobian/Overlander Hybrid) child: Tia Zander.
At some point, Alan ALSO finally learnt the identity of his father.
revealed to be none other than the disgraced "Lord Charlemagne",
the man who STARTED the Great War between Mobians and Overlanders to begin with!
a fact that continues to trouble the gentle natured Alan Zander to this very day.
*****
After some motivation and encouragement from a friend,
I decided to get my redesign of my Sonicverse OC "Alan Zander" finished, and posted.
using a preferred Sonic style, was was careful to make Alan look 'accurate'
to how I perceive "humans" should look in Sonic's World.
Category Artwork (Digital) / Sonic
Species Human
Size 763 x 1280px
File Size 81.4 kB
Listed in Folders
Yeah, usually whenever I comment on something, it happens to be my personal opinion. That happens most of the time...
Also, I'm judging harshly because you seem to have put a shit ton of work into making a pretty generic Sonic OC, something that 2.46 billion people did before. Can you really blame me for rolling my eyes? I just wanted to encourage you to be a little more unique, because the drawing looks decent and you can obviously write.
Also, I'm judging harshly because you seem to have put a shit ton of work into making a pretty generic Sonic OC, something that 2.46 billion people did before. Can you really blame me for rolling my eyes? I just wanted to encourage you to be a little more unique, because the drawing looks decent and you can obviously write.
This was a brief summary. and, one that was written years ago.
The character has developed since then.
Plus, I omitted certain highlights in his personal history,
making any judgement at this point to be premature due to not having 'All' the facts.
How about you read the primary story in question: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23217149/
It may give me just a bit more to go by than just this drawing alone.
Feel free to make suggestions in how to Improve the character. But, I won't change him completely.
I rather like the characterization of a 'Hero Solider' with a close bond to a Mobian Queen.
If you really wish to help. Then, give me advice, not negative labels
The character has developed since then.
Plus, I omitted certain highlights in his personal history,
making any judgement at this point to be premature due to not having 'All' the facts.
How about you read the primary story in question: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/23217149/
It may give me just a bit more to go by than just this drawing alone.
Feel free to make suggestions in how to Improve the character. But, I won't change him completely.
I rather like the characterization of a 'Hero Solider' with a close bond to a Mobian Queen.
If you really wish to help. Then, give me advice, not negative labels
Okay, read it three times now and honestly...it's not that much development.
For instance, you say you've based the OC(s) off Transformers and G.I Joe, two big-budget franchises. So while reading the story, I imagined looking at it like the script of an action movie. Something Michael Bay could direct (Westopolis is a great setting for that, so I'll give you props for that). From what I read, this is how I would summarize Alan:
"Badass ace commander of the planet's biggest military force happens to rescue a young female Mobian. While his fellow squad members are unfamiliar with Mobians (despite one of their long-time associates being one), This particular female Mobian happens to have a special connection with human Alan from way back, so Alan's normally authoritarian and somewhat stern attitude falters around her in favor of showing how soft his eyes are. Oh and the female Mobian is also a princess who loves every living fiber of the universe unconditionally" Is this it? Am I sorta on the right track here?
Look don't take this as me being a massive bitch who wants to deconstruct your fan-fiction or something. Your writing style is actually VERY good compared to 90% of Sonic fiction. But your OC's seem to suffer from the exact same problems that many others share: there are no actual flaws. And everything that can be perceived as a flaw is glossed over in favor of interruptions or quirkiness of the subordinates.
My advice to you would be take a good look at other people's stories in this kind of setting. There are a lot of similar 'hero soldier with a close bond to Mobian [insert title here]' stories, but there's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone has to be a special snowflake. But I advise you to look at some of the pitfalls that come from generic stories like this.
Since I now feel like I've been a dick to you, allow me to compensate. Here's a link to a fanfic I wrote four years ago. Like yours, it has OC's based on movie/game franchises. It's basically the ultimate example of shoehorning one specific character into Gary Stu territory (Shadow in this case) while ignoring flaws: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/962525.....ng-Lost-Family
For instance, you say you've based the OC(s) off Transformers and G.I Joe, two big-budget franchises. So while reading the story, I imagined looking at it like the script of an action movie. Something Michael Bay could direct (Westopolis is a great setting for that, so I'll give you props for that). From what I read, this is how I would summarize Alan:
"Badass ace commander of the planet's biggest military force happens to rescue a young female Mobian. While his fellow squad members are unfamiliar with Mobians (despite one of their long-time associates being one), This particular female Mobian happens to have a special connection with human Alan from way back, so Alan's normally authoritarian and somewhat stern attitude falters around her in favor of showing how soft his eyes are. Oh and the female Mobian is also a princess who loves every living fiber of the universe unconditionally" Is this it? Am I sorta on the right track here?
Look don't take this as me being a massive bitch who wants to deconstruct your fan-fiction or something. Your writing style is actually VERY good compared to 90% of Sonic fiction. But your OC's seem to suffer from the exact same problems that many others share: there are no actual flaws. And everything that can be perceived as a flaw is glossed over in favor of interruptions or quirkiness of the subordinates.
My advice to you would be take a good look at other people's stories in this kind of setting. There are a lot of similar 'hero soldier with a close bond to Mobian [insert title here]' stories, but there's nothing wrong with that. Not everyone has to be a special snowflake. But I advise you to look at some of the pitfalls that come from generic stories like this.
Since I now feel like I've been a dick to you, allow me to compensate. Here's a link to a fanfic I wrote four years ago. Like yours, it has OC's based on movie/game franchises. It's basically the ultimate example of shoehorning one specific character into Gary Stu territory (Shadow in this case) while ignoring flaws: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/962525.....ng-Lost-Family
This comment couldn't have come at a worst time.
As recently, I feel myself in doubt of my so-called creative talent.
I am no way angry..just feeling depressed.
Yeah. I agree. What I sent perhaps wasn't a good example.
as like the artwork, the chapter that I sent was old, and hasn't been updated in a long while.
Although, I do intend for future chapters to expand on the character.
Such as a human 'hunter' character who makes Alan vulnerable.
Once by taking his mobian friend, making him frantic to save her.
and, next by nearly killing him. putting Alan close to death.
As far as 'flaws' go, Alan's stems from being a pacifist forced into combat.
and, dealing with the fact that his own father was a warlord (which weighs heavily on his soul.)
I'll..try and do better to the best of my ability.
I'm just currently not in the right state of mind to do anything right now.
As recently, I feel myself in doubt of my so-called creative talent.
I am no way angry..just feeling depressed.
Yeah. I agree. What I sent perhaps wasn't a good example.
as like the artwork, the chapter that I sent was old, and hasn't been updated in a long while.
Although, I do intend for future chapters to expand on the character.
Such as a human 'hunter' character who makes Alan vulnerable.
Once by taking his mobian friend, making him frantic to save her.
and, next by nearly killing him. putting Alan close to death.
As far as 'flaws' go, Alan's stems from being a pacifist forced into combat.
and, dealing with the fact that his own father was a warlord (which weighs heavily on his soul.)
I'll..try and do better to the best of my ability.
I'm just currently not in the right state of mind to do anything right now.
Hey it's okay man. Don't be too hard on yourself. In the end, it's your story, and nobody can decide if it's right but you. The only reason I acted like a giant asshole was because you're one of the few people on this site/DeviantART who seems to actually have some commitment to writing good fics, which I still think you definitely can. My pointers came across harsh and sarcastic, which is one of my own flaws I guess...a very, very ugly flaw at that. Please forgive me for that.
I might not be able to take away your feelings of doubts or depression. But please don't let the nitpicky opinion of a 19-yr old douchebag like me be a factor in that. It's not worth it
I might not be able to take away your feelings of doubts or depression. But please don't let the nitpicky opinion of a 19-yr old douchebag like me be a factor in that. It's not worth it
It wasn't you (not really.) Something else had happened to me.
But, fortunately, I've move past it to an extent. and, I feel better, now.
I myself should apologize to you.
I initially thought that you were an uncaring jerk who wanted to tear me down,
But I see now that you really just want me to succeed, and improve my craft,
I misjudged you. I am sorry.
and, I hope you can forgive me for that.
And, yes. when I write these Sonic stories. I do put alot of effort into them.
In fact, originally, my Alan Zander story had a first draft that was completely different.
It was originally nothing more than a 'Kingdom Hearts' ripoff,
that I decided wasn't very creative, nor was it original.
So, I deleted it, and started over with this.
I write my 'Sonicverse' fanon seriously, as It is most how I would've
written the Archie Sonic comics if I had more control as a writer.
(So, I have indeed put much commitment into this.)
Hopefully the information that I have given to you thus far
as given you more hope at how this will all turn out.
There is alot more I have yet to tell you.
so, you are really just scratching the surface at this point.
Thank you for being understanding, and wanting to help.
But, fortunately, I've move past it to an extent. and, I feel better, now.
I myself should apologize to you.
I initially thought that you were an uncaring jerk who wanted to tear me down,
But I see now that you really just want me to succeed, and improve my craft,
I misjudged you. I am sorry.
and, I hope you can forgive me for that.
And, yes. when I write these Sonic stories. I do put alot of effort into them.
In fact, originally, my Alan Zander story had a first draft that was completely different.
It was originally nothing more than a 'Kingdom Hearts' ripoff,
that I decided wasn't very creative, nor was it original.
So, I deleted it, and started over with this.
I write my 'Sonicverse' fanon seriously, as It is most how I would've
written the Archie Sonic comics if I had more control as a writer.
(So, I have indeed put much commitment into this.)
Hopefully the information that I have given to you thus far
as given you more hope at how this will all turn out.
There is alot more I have yet to tell you.
so, you are really just scratching the surface at this point.
Thank you for being understanding, and wanting to help.
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